Managing impressions...

[DogwoodTree]

I've come to the conclusion that I simply have no idea how other people experience me. I work really so very hard at managing other people's impressions of me...trying to make sure I'm nice and polite and caring and unoffensive and cooperative. But it seems that I still...still...still come across in ways I don't anticipate. I'm so tired of trying. I can't process social interactions quickly enough to keep up.

And yet...the isolation inside is exhausting and painful beyond words.

Which route leads to connection? Should I keep trying to learn the social rules better-better-better, so eventually I can look more normal? Or should I give up and just try to figure out how to be myself, and hope that someone somewhere will figure out how to connect with me through all of my craziness?

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the answer might be found within these words. When things get overwhelming I try to keep this all in perspective.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference."

-Reinhold Niebuhr

I think at some point in our lives we all have to come to grips with our own limitations. Otherwise if we can't give ourselves a break, we might be inadvertently projecting that to others who act accordingly.

 

[Progster]

I have no idea what people's impression of me is, or how they see me, and as for connecting, I interact, but I don't connect so I don't bond easily, so I have lots of aquaintances and no real friends. I don't really try anymore - if it happens, then it happens, and if not, things just continue as they are now. When I was younger I used to feel a bit lonely and upset that I couldn't make friends easily, but not now - I just accept that I'm not a people person.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think at some point in our lives we all have to come to grips with our own limitations.

I get this on an intellectual level. But I don't like hurting people's feelings. I don't want to push everyone away all the time in order to "protect" them from me and to manage my own overwhelm. It's hard accepting something about myself that makes me feel like I'm a bad person...rude (unintentionally, but still), and insensitive to others' feelings, and can't handle being touched, which makes people feel like I'm rejecting them.

I'm disgusted with myself right now, and feeling helpless to keep other people from being disgusted with me, too.

 

[Judge]

I get this on an intellectual level. But I don't like hurting people's feelings. I don't want to push everyone away all the time in order to "protect" them from me and to manage my own overwhelm. It's hard accepting something about myself that makes me feel like I'm a bad person...rude (unintentionally, but still), and insensitive to others' feelings, and can't handle being touched, which makes people feel like I'm rejecting them.

I'm disgusted with myself right now, and feeling helpless to keep other people from being disgusted with me, too.

I know. It's not unlike what I've had to deal with. To receive constant negative feedback from so many that we have routine contact with. It wears us down. But at some point you just have to accept who you are "hard-wired" to be and why some things happen to us socially. For some it may be instant recognition. For others like you or me...it's a day-by-day process to come to grips with it all. Hang in there.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I thought of the child as an 'it'. It was blackened and burnt, weak, fearful, and needy. I thought of it as a wraith for a very long time. Over years the 'it' became more than something I tried to ignore, or disliked for being a weak child.

This is a good description of how I feel about myself as I child. I hope I can eventually get to a place where it's not so much a disgusting part of me.

in order for you to know, and understand the roots of your loneliness, you should attempt to consider where it comes from.

I've spent decades exploring the roots of my loneliness. I know where it comes from...from not having a single adult in my whole childhood who took the time to get to know me, as a person, who was unique from my siblings and much more on the inside than what was apparent on the outside. And people using me to meet their own needs, with absolutely no concern whatsoever for the effects it would have on me. If no one...no one...cared about me as a kid...how in this freakin' world am I ever supposed to see myself any other way?

I've tried brainwashing myself to believe differently, really, I have. It hasn't worked. I'm disgusted with myself. It's so, so hard not to give in to the hopelessness sometimes. I'm tired of being alone inside. When I try to bring a more authentic version of myself to the surface, it's disgusting, awkward, and naive. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me.

 

[DogwoodTree]

For others like you or me...it's a day-by-day process to come to grips with it all. Hang in there.

There should be a "thank-you" button for posts...

 

[DogwoodTree]

You don't seem when you write like someone who hates themselves, you appear strong and intelligent. How can it be that you think you are not? There is no facade here, so, perhaps you are stronger than you think at the moment.

The image of the genie at 30 sec in this video just flashed through my mind, lol...

Gotta think on this. I'm like a different person when I'm writing. I have time to think, and process, and choose my words. Face-to-face with me is much different...much less comfortable...much less informative. Which one is the real me (or am I someone else entirely)?

Thanks for asking some challenging questions...must ponder.

 

[dragonwolf]

Gotta think on this. I'm like a different person when I'm writing. I have time to think, and process, and choose my words. Face-to-face with me is much different...much less comfortable...much less informative. Which one is the real me (or am I someone else entirely)?

Technically speaking, they're both you. One's just more rushed than the other.

I'm like you, I've been told on multiple occasions that I'm a very "thoughtful" person, in large part because of my writing. Talking? Not so much. I'm okay for casual stuff, but I haven't learned to convey my confidence in myself enough that I don't get interrupted or ignored outright.

One of the big things that have helped me is to set boundaries and expectations in pretty much every aspect of my life. In this case, it can include something like "it takes me a little longer to get my thoughts organized into words, so please allow me a little extra time to respond to you." This can buy you the time to "write" your response in your head so that you can speak it. You still don't have the luxury of going back and re-wording things, but the extra time might be sufficient to make interactions a little easier and more positive.

Instead of thinking about what you're not or what you fail at, think about what you need to succeed. This will likely be an evolving thing, but it helps a lot. One of the early things I did this with was my job. I've bounced from job to job for years, in part because I didn't take into account my own needs when taking jobs. I had a good list of what wasn't good for me, so I used that to figure out what is good for me. I then wrote them down, and whenever I talk to recruiters or whatever, I make sure that my needs are known, and I explain that those are my needs in order to be the best employee that I can be. You don't have to start there, just find a segment of your life that seems to lend itself to this type of analysis and go from there. A little while of doing this in that segment, and the behavior started bleeding over to other parts of my life, and my life has been better for it.

I will say this -- you very well may still "lose" people in the various aspects. However, that is not inherently a bad thing. The ones you will lose are going to be the ones who are toxic for you to begin with. The remaining people are the ones that are actually worth your time (yes, they're worth your time, don't think about it the other way around).

For example, making my needs known for looking for a job means I discard easily 80-90% of the stuff that comes into my inbox (recruiters, leads, everything). This is because I've determined, using the criteria that I've written down, that these items, people, or companies are not worth my time. We're not good fits for each other and that's okay. It saves everyone time and headache, and lets everyone move on to someone or something that better fits what they're looking for. And the 10-20% that I do keep? They value and respect me that much more, and provide higher quality interactions.