Marriage help.

[Unclewolverine]

It is well documented that there are significant hurdles to overcome in a neuro diverse relationship, with the NT partner often feeling lonely and frustrated. One of the main reasons I joined this forum was to try and gain insight and ask for help in my own relationship.

On paper we are doing well, our children are straight A students and involved in school; we have a very nice antique farm house and host almost all of our extended family functions. We take take trips to Disney and do foster care where we are considered a preferred home.

However all is not always well. We do not really fight but there is not the closeness that there once was, my wife says the significant gap in communication makes her feel cut off from me.

So my question is for married couples that have faced issues and come through the other side. What worked for you? Any tips and welcomed, we are already trying to implement some changes to move in the right direction.

We are trying to make sure there are at least 15-20 minutes a night without kids to just try to talk, and we are going to try and re-evaluate the finances so that she is not the only one handling the bills and I don't have to feel like a child asking for money if I need something.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. So are you autistic or is she?

 

[Unclewolverine]

I am. High functioning very good at mimicking NT, but there are the occasional rough days that I shut down, and I will suffer a minor depressive episode. These are very frustrating because she knows that the worst thing you can say to someone in a depressed state is to snap out of it, but that's still what she does :/ thankfully those a fewer and further between than they used to be; our main issue is lack of closeness due to poor communication.

 

[Magna]

I am. High functioning very good at mimicking NT, but there are the occasional rough days that I shut down, and I will suffer a minor depressive episode. These are very frustrating because she knows that the worst thing you can say to someone in a depressed state is to snap out of it, but that's still what she does :/ thankfully those a fewer and further between than they used to be; our main issue is lack of closeness due to poor communication.

Thanks for clarifying. If you're in the U.S. you might want to check into AANE.org (Asperger/Autism Network) www.aane.org They are a wonderful resource for all things autism. They offer a totally free no obligation, no pressure (not a sales pitch) 30 minute phone consult to discuss anything related to autism including relationships. They also offer internet-based counseling including counseling specifically for mixed couples (NT/ND). I'm married to an NT woman as well. It's my contention that people like us are in fact in a "mixed marriage" although rather than race it's a difference in neurology.

Have you been diagnosed recently?

Has your wife always known you're autistic or did that happen at some point after your marriage was underway?

Have you felt "closeness" with any other woman in a relationship prior to your marriage or has it always been like this for you?

I'm wiling to share a bit. I've been married 20 years but was not professionally diagnosed until approx 3.5 years ago. Has my diagnosis changed things? In my opinion yes and no. In some ways it has helped because my wife has had more willingness to accept sensitivities (e.g. sounds, smells and touch mainly) and challenges that I have as legitimate rather than me just choosing to be difficult. I bring a lot "to the table" as I'm the breadwinner and provide for our family, I work my *ss off not only with my job but also helping around the house. I'm loyal, devoted, faithful and loving. She says she's lucky to have me and she loves me (and I her).

It's far from rosy all the time. All relationships are hard and are work. None that are real are easy. I need a lot of downtime/alone time. I have to have a certain amount of time at night to be "off the clock" (as a father mainly). You mention poor communication. You're correct that this is a main problem in neuro-mixed relationships (I just came up with that, but maybe it's been coined before).

The hard part is that you'll likely never communicate instinctively or naturally in the same way "so long as you both shall live". She'll need to accept that. It's quite common for NT women to want their partners to "get them"; meaning, sense their moods and be in tune with how they're feeling at any given time without them having to tell you. Moreover, with a lot of NT women, if their partner doesn't "get them" then it's a big problem for them. Autistic people by and large need people to be direct. "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

You likely have to mull things over especially if they're related to emotions. It's probably quite difficult for you to know how you're feeling (Alexithymia) and be able to engage in back and forth verbal conversation in real time about things that are of import. Also, if things are bothering you, it's probably difficult for you to express your feelings and put them to words in real time. You may have to think over the situation for days before you're able to talk about your thoughts and feelings. That's normal for an autistic person. Neurotypicals don't understand that.

One way that neuro-mixed couples work around this difference in communication is to communicate in written form. If you or your wife are upset or bothered about something. Write a letter to the other to explain how you feel. Communicate back and forth via a chat function (Facebook, Google, etc). Be in different rooms or different parts of the house if that helps. Sometimes communication can be a hybrid of starting with written communication/chatting and then transition to verbal after the main concerns, thoughts, issues have been discussed in writing/chat.

NT partners need to understand and accept that their autistic partners will probably never change and become a fully engaged verbal communicator in real time in all situations with them.

 

[Unclewolverine]

Wow, thank you for your long thought out reply! I had completely forgotten how at one time we had figured out that it was easier for me to communicate through writing. We have been together for 18 years, I was diagnosed in 2016. My diagnosis explained a lot and helped in some ways but hurt in other ways. I've never really felt closeness with anyone but my childhood wasn't conducive to close relationships, my dad was fairly cold and my mom was, at the time, un-diagnosed bi polar.

 

[ForestGumpett]

5 year happy marriage, I’m Aspie, we’re pretty sure he’s on the border. We do argue about things but it’s always done with respect, respecting each other is right up there with love and the commitment.

We do “date” even though it may be at home and in our daytime PJ’s, lol. We get games out like Chess or we read and have Bible study together. We do things as a “Team” during the week, even gardening is better done with both - no resentments and we learn to work together. We try out different meals, but being best friends give each other the night off when we are just stressed/tired. Lots of give and take but we’re both wired givers to start with.

Hope some of this helped, have heard the stay at home orders have stressed a lot of marriages. We used the times to make ours closer. Not all sunshine, but we’ve come so far!

 

[Thinx]

I'm the self diagnosed Aspie half of the relationship, also gay and born female, now identify as nonbinary. I'm a counsellor, after doing a lot of personal therapy, so I think that's all helped us a lot. My partners pretty tolerant although may throw a wobbler at times especially as I am much less neat or bothered about housework. We do ok, I agree there's time delays on understanding sometimes it does happen on both sides for different reasons.

Great advice from others here, your communication time is a great idea, definitely keep that up. Don't underestimate how you can develop yourself a bit, part of this is male gender conditioning, NT guys have that too and plenty of their wives want more from them too in that area. Aspies can find ways around this, especially because you are so good and motivated in the relationship.

 

[Suzette]

You sound like you have a lot to deal with at home. This is confirmed by your statement:

. We are trying to make sure there are at least 15-20 minutes a night without kids to just try to talk

With so much going on it must be extreamly difficult to process your own thoughts, let alone have time to build closeness in your marriage. You both seem to have become cogs in the machine efficiency of your life with foster kids.

Is there a way for the two of you to find more time together? Strengthening your communication is great but maybe you could also use some time to reconnect on a personal level and see each other as humans before your roles as parents and partners in mechanics of your life.

It is so easy to slip into a habit of roles that you play. If you have a stuffed full life roles are a comfort. They let you get your job(s) done with the assurence you are doing exactly what you need to do. But roles also become an almost autonomic response that can make human connection feel stilted and constrained.

If you can't find more time, maybe you and your wife can swap some roles. Maybe you could take over the household finances? Perhaps your wife can do something you normally do too.

These are just things I was thinking as I read your post. Please just ignore my answer if it is of little value to you.

 

[paloftoon]

Consider a couples therapist- preferably one that specializes in autism. Maybe reach out to Dr. Phil if you're willing to be on TV. This is a difficult balance where she probably needs to be able to be more verbal with you, but you also need to be able to figure out things she might be doing without her having to figure out every single little thing to say. Both are important- expressing things more for better communication, but then you understanding a decent amount so that the other person doesn't lose all their energy trying to explain things.

'=============

Extreme real life example of why it's not okay to expect 100% directness and explaining/re-explaining "everything":

I had a person that met me on a dating app. We never actually "matched" but he wrote me a message and I had to "match" him in order to respond. One of my first lines to him immediately was that I was only interested in something of a platonic nature.

He revealed his diagnosis very early on, and I did the same in return as a result.

As time passed on, we tried to do a little bit of each others' interests. He was frustrated that I wasn't spending more time with him, but I had hobbies that he wasn't interested in. He wanted to do things only in-person, but we both had full time jobs and I was interested in dating people and spending time with other friends who definitely did or might have more in common with me.

He wanted me to do 30 min. of yoga for 10 days straight in a row as one of his "starter" activities and I told him at the beginning that I am not that interested in yoga. (I might do more or ease into it with someone I was more attracted to, lol.) I refused of course explaining that I like what I'm already doing and doing too much of it.

The last time we hung out, all in the same day, he made some uncomfortable physical advances toward me. When we hugged, he rubbed his face against mine. I knew that this could be cultural, and didn't feel this was cultural for him, but I just tried to distance my face next time he wanted a hug. Near when he was going to leave, he also wanted a high ten. So, I gave him his high ten and he rubbed his fingers on my palms. I was too surprised in the moment to say anything, but I let him know online about my uncomfortableness and the inappropriateness of those actions that same night or the next day. He asked me how he should be physically with me and I told him just not to touch me at all -period. He then proceeded to argue with me about how I wasn't getting together with him enough and how I took so much energy out of him and wasn't listening to him.

Mind you, I'm already worn out from talking about the physical boundaries with this person. I ended up blocking this person because it was just non-stop. Next thing I know, (this is an exaggeration), he could've said "oh, I'm sorry for using my ring finger. I had used my middle finger to touch your palm last time and just didn't know any better."

Not only could it be tiring for the explainer, but maybe the other person could be using it as a crutch from real growth.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

If you can't say the words, maybe just holding her for a long time will get what you want to say across.

 

[Suzette]

@ForestGumpett , we follow this plan too. In fact we gave our joint account a name to depersonalize the account so that neither of us feel guilty using it if we need to. My husband might say "Jenny is taking us to luch today" or I might comment "Jenny has worked hard and needs a raise". It is just a silly little psychological trick that helps us feel that we are both part of the money team.

 

[Unclewolverine]

Thank you all! I am not good with money which is why she handles all the bills, but with all the money in her hands I feel like a child having to ask for money if I want to get something or get a present for her. We have been throwing around the idea of each getting a percentage of what we make with the rest going into the central account.