Masking abilities deteriorating over time

[chincey_james]

Has anyone else found that their masking abilities deteriorated over time?

I used to be an expert masker. From a young age, I spent every bit of my energy on projecting normality and seeking comfortable responses from family members, associates, and strangers.

But ever since my diagnosis last year, my ability to mask has slipped. I am much more open about moments of overstimulation, and I do not censor my thoughts for others quite so much.

I don't know the cause, but I suspect self-acceptance, lack of practice, and tiredness play a role. It is a feeling of vulnerability. Like standing on a battlefield without a shield.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I completely get what you're describing. I have been disgnosed only 1.5 months ago, and I'm experiencing more meltdowns, more overstimulation and feel more sensory-sensitive than before. I don't really know why that is. I probably pay more attention to how I'm feeling than before. I'm not sure how I feel about this. In general, I feel good about having gotten diagnosed, and about the opportunity to learn more about myself and to act more natural. But it feels like unmasking is becoming less of a choice and more of a necessity, and I feel very vulnerable, somehow guilty (because it's more hassle for the people around me) and sometimes unhappy about it.

 

[JoSchi]

Yes, same here. But this is explainable, as we pay more attention to all this. And this costs energy too. No energy - no mask.

 

[marc_101]

It sounds more like you are less willing to do it than an issue of losing your ability. Maybe you are trying to find "yourself" after the diagnosis?

@AuroraBorealis It's a tricky balance for sure. It's like a placebo or nocebo effect but more accurately a "mindset." Give yourself time and maybe run experiments. See how much you can handle. Our minds are quite powerful.

 

[chincey_james]

That is an interesting point. I do admit that much of the time I consciously choose to mask less now.

The unconscious aspect of this is more frightening to me though, and I probably should have specified that earlier. Lately, I often find myself walls-down and having more "meltdowns" than I ever did prior to diagnosis. It almost feels like I went from one extreme to the other.

Chronic masking was horribly unhealthy, but it felt stable in a way that my post-diagnosis life does not. Growing pains I suppose...

 

[marc_101]

There must be a balance somewhere that you can achieve. The right amount and situation for meltdowns.

 

[Levitat0r]

Has anyone else found that their masking abilities deteriorated over time?

I used to be an expert masker. From a young age, I spent every bit of my energy on projecting normality and seeking comfortable responses from family members, associates, and strangers.

But ever since my diagnosis last year, my ability to mask has slipped. I am much more open about moments of overstimulation, and I do not censor my thoughts for others quite so much.

I don't know the cause, but I suspect self-acceptance, lack of practice, and tiredness play a role. It is a feeling of vulnerability. Like standing on a battlefield without a shield.

Well, back when I had a career, I exerted a lot of effort to trying to be disciplined, like some sort of white-collar marching band member. It didn't help, because I got paid about half of what I was worth, and when the people from corporate would come visit, they would literally relegate me to the hourly parking because they didn't want their bosses thinking I was a peer of theirs. I, personally, have decided I'm not going to make any effort whatsoever to present myself any certain way.

 

[Hypnalis]

@chincey_james

I wonder if you've subconsciously "lost faith" in your old mask, and have stopped using some of it.

You shouldn't expect reactions or behaviors learned while quite young to work well as an adult. But if they exist, they should probably be replaced or "upgraded" rather than ditched.

I "rebuilt" my mask as an adult, and am very glad I did so. I still "mask", but I don't do it to hide my nature, but to control how I expose it. I think this is something like the social mask NTs use. Not identical, but much closer than my "Version 1" mask.
It's certainly much less effort to interact with other people now - that alone has paid off the time and energy I put into the "rebuild" many times over.

If this resonates, my suggestion is to consciously upgrade your mask to match the current you.

 

[Levitat0r]

@chincey_james

I wonder if you've subconsciously "lost faith" in your old mask, and have stopped using some of it.

You shouldn't expect reactions or behaviors learned while quite young to work well as an adult. But if they exist, they should probably be replaced or "upgraded" rather than ditched.

I "rebuilt" my mask as an adult, and am very glad I did so. I still "mask", but I don't do it to hide my nature, but to control how I expose it. I think this is something like the social mask NTs use. Not identical, but much closer than my "Version 1" mask.
It's certainly much less effort to interact with other people now - that alone has paid off the time and energy I put into the "rebuild" many times over.

If this resonates, my suggestion is to consciously upgrade your mask to match the current you.

I find it painful to hear anyone discuss their collection of virtual masks. Like I said, I worked really hard at being attentive, and fitting the "professional" mold. It got me pretty much nowhere. I was respected less than any of the other managers, and was not even considered such on paper, nor on my paycheck. I was thrown out on the street in the dirtiest, most fraudulent way possible, to the point where they weaseled out of paying severance payments.

Go get a piece of metal bar, now bend it in the middle once, and try to bend it perfectly straight again. You never will. You will never make yourself "normal" because the sustained effort it takes is not normal. I had someone (at work) ask me "are you a loner"? I didn't bother to be like "Not as such, I don't ask for it, no...". I remember some girl commenting on how my face looks funny when I speak, and I should have realized she was flirting with me, so that was actually said a nicer way than I recount, but the fact remains. I'm not ever going to fix that stuff, and people will not take you seriously if you don't flow naturally the way they do. Effort is not natural.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Has anyone else found that their masking abilities deteriorated over time?

I used to be an expert masker. From a young age, I spent every bit of my energy on projecting normality and seeking comfortable responses from family members, associates, and strangers.

But ever since my diagnosis last year, my ability to mask has slipped. I am much more open about moments of overstimulation, and I do not censor my thoughts for others quite so much.

I don't know the cause, but I suspect self-acceptance, lack of practice, and tiredness play a role. It is a feeling of vulnerability. Like standing on a battlefield without a shield.

Agree. Self-acceptance and tiredness probably are my two main reasons. At some point, you just figure out that most people don't care, most people aren't that important to you to impress, and over the course of the day, it's just mentally exhausting, so why put yourself through it, or at least why put as much effort into it as you used to.

 

[marc_101]

It's relative though. I care about colleagues and significant people in my life. Making an effort to better interact with them is worth it, within some limits. Otherwise, I appear indifferent, not present, or rude. Like I don't care about them. Not black or white.

Or maybe: if there is an important person who accommodates my way of being, the least I can do is try to also accommodate that person so we meet midway.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

As I age I have less energy and looking at fewer years, I'd rather spend what energy I have on other pursuits.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

@chincey_james

I wonder if you've subconsciously "lost faith" in your old mask, and have stopped using some of it.

You shouldn't expect reactions or behaviors learned while quite young to work well as an adult. But if they exist, they should probably be replaced or "upgraded" rather than ditched.

I "rebuilt" my mask as an adult, and am very glad I did so. I still "mask", but I don't do it to hide my nature, but to control how I expose it. I think this is something like the social mask NTs use. Not identical, but much closer than my "Version 1" mask.
It's certainly much less effort to interact with other people now - that alone has paid off the time and energy I put into the "rebuild" many times over.

If this resonates, my suggestion is to consciously upgrade your mask to match the current you.

That sounds very interesting. Could you maybe give a few examples for former masking strategies and their upgraded versions? I can't quite picture it.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

It's relative though. I care about colleagues and significant people in my life. Making an effort to better interact with them is worth it, within some limits. Otherwise, I appear indifferent, not present, or rude. Like I don't care about them. Not black or white.

Or maybe: if there is an important person who accommodates my way of being, the least I can do is try to also accommodate that person so we meet midway.

I agree with this. There are situations where it feels painful to me to appear very disinterested, rude or like I don't care, although that's not the case. I feel like my old mask doesn't fit anymore, but it doesn't feel right either to have no masking strategies at all. If used consciously and for the right purpose, they can be very practical, after all. Like putting on my professional role at work, where I can deal with a lot of things my casual self can't - because it's a role I consciously play, and I don't feel bad during it, and more in control. I don't think masking is necessarily always bad, only if it causes you discomfort.

 

[chincey_james]

I wonder if you've subconsciously "lost faith" in your old mask, and have stopped using some of it.

If this resonates, my suggestion is to consciously upgrade your mask to match the current you.

That's true. This feels like a crisis of faith in my ability to "make it work." A period of doubt after years of unthinking belief. Masking is taking more energy for me now, and this means that my masking is going to have to evolve. I need to find a middle ground and a moderate way to exist in a social space.

Agree. Self-acceptance and tiredness probably are my two main reasons. At some point, you just figure out that most people don't care, most people aren't that important to you to impress, and over the course of the day, it's just mentally exhausting, so why put yourself through it, or at least why put as much effort into it as you used to.

Very good point. And I think that's where I am. Case in point: I just left a very large work function and didn't say goodbye to anyone. In the past, I would have forced myself to say goodbye to each person there, but I don't care anymore. I think most goodbyes are empty nonsense, and I wanted the freedom of solitude ASAP. This is the liberating side of giving up obsessive masking.

 

[Tom]

More power to the shields Scotty!