"Masking" and "unmasking"

[Neri]

So in an attempt to unpack my social aversion and figure out how now to go out in the world, knowing I'm an Autistic person, I wanted to air out my thoughts on this topic and hopefully, glean some diverse thoughts and opinions on the matter.
I've come to the realisation that everybody masks, for the most part, autists and non autists, that is just How Society Functions.

The problem, as I see it, is that it just tends to take an enormous, unsustainable, toll on many of us spectrumites.Add to that the fact that for some of us, the capacity to mask is itself compromised due to our more monotropic brains and sensory issues.

Before I realised my autism I heavily masked and hid as much as I could. I was also in an abuse relationship and allegedly I masked that really well too, as after I, finally, left, I had someone come up to me and say "We never knew". It was narcissistic abuse and not physical in the way most people think of abuse relationships, it was more subtle, underhand but devastating on my health and sense of self and sanity.

So I entered severe breakdown/burnout mode which galvanised my exit of that situation. I was still unaware of my autism at this point, still heavily masking, still trying to "keep up" with the allistic folk, still thinking I'm just really defective.

Fast forward years later and a new relationship with a fellow autist and finally, I wasn't in such desperate survival mode, I'm on disability support and I've been in trauma treatment for years BUT I have no desire to make and keep friendships or really to work outside of the home, I'm struggling with executive function and my "special interests" consume my attention, and I realise I am sooooo socially burnt out and I am too run down and exhausted in the brain to mask the way I tried so hard to, in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.

I'm trying to figure out a compromise with masking so I can re enter society and I'm wondering what are other autistic people's thoughts on this matter?

The line of work I am considering, apart from writing, art and publishing some of my work, is around advocacy and peer work, as I am passionate about autism education and I'm trained in the mental health peer support field. I'm thinking this is an appropriate compromise between the necessary masking and being my authentic autistic self.

I now take great comfort in some ever more obvious stimming in public, the last couple of times I was out I rocked and it was soooo soothing. Prior to that I have been small stimming, stroking my arms and fingers, foot and toe movements. I've always hid the big stuff like jumping up and down, slapping myself on the thighs, but I, even back when I tried to "be NT" I danced a lot, and sang a lot and I'm pretty sure I dance very autistically, as my daughter got very embarrassed by me, growing up, and my now partner seems pretty embarrassed by my dancing but some people really like it and tell me so.

I'm able to "be myself", for the most part, with my Aspie guy friend, which, to me, feels like a life line, a metaphorical drink of fresh cool water in the desert.

Parenting, I've been trying so hard for so long that I think I'm pretty good at it, but some of my kid's, I think, struggle with me being an autist, and some are fine with it.

So, any reflections on the matter? How do you compromise, knowing you are a spectrumite? Or do you resign yourself to fully masking and just deal with the burn out as it happens? Is there ways you have found to avoid burn out and horrible brain fry from being out in the world?

Being a musician was great, I see musical instruments almost as just elaborate stimming tools but I'm no longer in that field. And I don't get to dance much anymore. Although I'd like to get back to both, just need more wellness at this point.

 

[Dagan]

I've talked about playing live and such per this area, as well. Any live event entertainment, actually. I'm working and focused, so the crowd doesn't consciously bother me in the moment, if you will. We are also just meeting that one expectation of everyone, too. We aren't being full on social and trying to relate and converse like a mixer party or such. It offers the perfect combination of performing art, actually being out and about, entertaining (which is a goal of making people happy) and feeling a strong sense of belonging. We get to be emotional and honestly stim in plain sight and be happy ourselves without so much of a mask (or any mask at all).

Anyway, to the main topic: I do also think that everyone masks to some degree. Per our kind, we do it more and definitely in relation to the list (ever growing for many of us) of apprehensions that we have because of how many times and however many different ways we felt rejection, mocked, etc. in social situations before. I am not a fan of how much it just makes us look like really insecure people, but that's the reality of how many will judge us. If they only knew!

My dealing with it all is simply to try to do more art / entertainment live events, if I can. I don't allow burnout, though. I learned my limit. And in the times that I just can't do these things amongst others in public...I turn to the ways I can enjoy them at home, alone even, if needs be. That's when these same things become labeled as "coping mechanisms," but I don't feel swayed off by labels. If I'm even just able to find myself content, then that's a great thing.

 

[tree]

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/masking.43150/#post-968941
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/unmasking-wordily.42308/
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/confidence-masking-and-general-weirdness.41708/#post-908010
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/how-do-i-stop-masking.42018/
https://www.autismforums.com/resour...covering-the-new-faces-of-neurodiversity.210/
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/trying-to-take-the-mask-off.31973/

 

[Neri]

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/masking.43150/#post-968941
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/unmasking-wordily.42308/
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/confidence-masking-and-general-weirdness.41708/#post-908010
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/how-do-i-stop-masking.42018/
https://www.autismforums.com/resour...covering-the-new-faces-of-neurodiversity.210/
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/trying-to-take-the-mask-off.31973/

Thanks for that @tree! I will look into those.

 

[Neri]

I've talked about playing live and such per this area, as well. Any live event entertainment, actually. I'm working and focused, so the crowd doesn't consciously bother me in the moment, if you will. We are also just meeting that one expectation of everyone, too. We aren't being full on social and trying to relate and converse like a mixer party or such. It offers the perfect combination of performing art, actually being out and about, entertaining (which is a goal of making people happy) and feeling a strong sense of belonging. We get to be emotional and honestly stim in plain sight and be happy ourselves without so much of a mask (or any mask at all).

Anyway, to the main topic: I do also think that everyone masks to some degree. Per our kind, we do it more and definitely in relation to the list (ever growing for many of us) of apprehensions that we have because of how many times and however many different ways we felt rejection, mocked, etc. in social situations before. I am not a fan of how much it just makes us look like really insecure people, but that's the reality of how many will judge us. If they only knew!

My dealing with it all is simply to try to do more art / entertainment live events, if I can. I don't allow burnout, though. I learned my limit. And in the times that I just can't do these things amongst others in public...I turn to the ways I can enjoy them at home, alone even, if needs be. That's when these same things become labeled as "coping mechanisms," but I don't feel swayed off by labels. If I'm even just able to find myself content, then that's a great thing.

Absolutely! My musical performance "career" if you will, was awesome for coping with being autistic before I had any idea that I was.
I miss it sorely. Unfortunately, my oddness and lack of social finesse and driving skillls meant that when I left my musician partner, I also lost my entry into such work

I did a little live band work when I was training to be a peer worker. Our course was full of musicians and artists, so I was able to front a little rock/metal/reggae fusion band and write a theme song about "Mental Health Peer Support". I was the reggae musician, the other guys were metal heads and one psy rock guy.

I've left the reggae genre though, that was my ex's thing, but it was a great training ground for me to develop my craft. I'm quite skilled at improv so maybe I should go into jazz. What I am thinking of doing is learning guitar and becoming a folky. I love writing songs. And I reeaalllly love singing. Singing was my main stim for years and years, as I raised all my babies. I sort of stopped, not totally, but slowed down while living here in this low income housing neughborhood.

Ironically, when a neighbor I don't feel comfortable around praised me when I was singing in my garden.

I don't have the tech skills though. My poor brain just won't go there without some help. My youngest son is going to go to a Sound Audio Engineering school though and we have already done a little recording together, so you never know, he might help me, with the techie side of things, in the future.

 

[Dagan]

I seriously taught myself with the simplest of the tech that's available to us, now. I didn't want to get overwhelmed by too many bells and whistles, fancy this and that. I use Audacity, a simple USB condenser microphone, I purchased EZDrummer 2 to use on the laptop (and it's surprisingly really easy) and I have the MX5 Headrush modeling amp for any guitar / bass sounds that I could ever want. I released an album back in March and am working on an original Christmas song to release very soon.

I definitely want to inspire anyone else to try it and excel...but I definitely understand that we all have whatever levels of what overwhelms us. I can seriously use the old cliche' in this case, though - "if I can do this, surely you can do it." I will go so far as to say that probably many others can do it way better. I have never been able to understand recording much at all, but again, the tech exists now, and some of it is so much more simplified than I could ever ask for. I hope you do give it a go. Using your Son for help is probably going to speed you along and get better probably.

 

[Neri]

I seriously taught myself with the simplest of the tech that's available to us, now. I didn't want to get overwhelmed by too many bells and whistles, fancy this and that. I use Audacity, a simple USB condenser microphone, I purchased EZDrummer 2 to use on the laptop (and it's surprisingly really easy) and I have the MX5 Headrush modeling amp for any guitar / bass sounds that I could ever want. I released an album back in March and am working on an original Christmas song to release very soon.

I definitely want to inspire anyone else to try it and excel...but I definitely understand that we all have whatever levels of what overwhelms us. I can seriously use the old cliche' in this case, though - "if I can do this, surely you can do it." I will go so far as to say that probably many others can do it way better. I have never been able to understand recording much at all, but again, the tech exists now, and some of it is so much more simplified than I could ever ask for. I hope you do give it a go. Using your Son for help is probably going to speed you along and get better probably.

I think that, now with my youngest kid moving away and getting some support with the things I'm really struggling with, I should look into it. I bought an actual hardware desk that had a digital interface connected to it, mikes, both a recording ribbon mike and a performing mike, a street cube (which I think I ruined by leaving batteries in it) for busking, which I never did, and a loop station. But, I haven't had room or confidence to strike out on my own yet. These are probably all out of date tech by now, as I bought them in 2012.

On the up side I've been supporting my youngest son in learning to be a vocalist and songwriter. We've been having fun days sharing youtube songs and bands we like and singing along with them and we've both gotten a lot out of it.

I went to am amazing rave festival with my oldest son which, despite the sensory overload that wrecked me for many months after, I LOVED. I feel "doofers" as we call them here in australia, are my people. So many freaky people, all just completely being themselves! I did bump into a crew of Autie girls but they weren't loving the roughing-it, camping, side of things. I did ruin my health a lot for most of the year, by doing it, but still I loved it!

I had a little jam with a crew in the low key jamming live music tent and I had some lovely feedback and encouragement re my singing.
One fellow told me I should keep coming back to doof festivals to find a crew to make music with, and I'd still like to do that. I do love me some psy trance as well.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri

I've followed a different approach to masking than (AFAIK) most people here. It's worked well for me:

The short version that's relevant to your question is that I started tuning my mask as an adult.
The main pre-req for this (in my case anyway) was understanding what I was actually doing. A lot of it was automatic, and as it turned out, a lot of that was formed when I was young and had very little understanding of NT's or NT communication.

I started by recognizing things that didn't work well, and changing what I did. This cut down a lot on the effort I spent on masking, so I had bandwidth available to experiment with other things. I've been on a "continuous improvement program" of sorts ever since.

Now (after perhaps a couple of decades) I don't really mask at all - I show "the real me" with minor adjustments (mostly omissions) so I register as "normal" to NTs. And it's much less effort than before, which means I also do a better job of communicating (or defending if I'm dealing with NPCs

This doesn't seem to be all that common among forum members, but there's at least one other person here ("Outdated") who's done the same thing, and probably several others who've done so, but haven't stated it explicitly.

A final point: I'm factual/analytical by nature. That might make relatively easier for me to "unwrap" my own behaviors and communication style. OTOH there may be other ways for Aspies to change their masking.

@Outdated might like to add his perspective to this (the @ will send him an alert).

 

[Midnights11]

@Neri

I've followed a different approach to masking than (AFAIK) most people here. It's worked well for me:

The short version that's relevant to your question is that I started tuning my mask as an adult.
The main pre-req for this (in my case anyway) was understanding what I was actually doing. A lot of it was automatic, and as it turned out, a lot of that was formed when I was young and had very little understanding of NT's or NT communication.

I started by recognizing things that didn't work well, and changing what I did. This cut down a lot on the effort I spent on masking, so I had bandwidth available to experiment with other things. I've been on a "continuous improvement program" of sorts ever since.

Now (after perhaps a couple of decades) I don't really mask at all - I show "the real me" with minor adjustments (mostly omissions) so I register as "normal" to NTs. And it's much less effort than before, which means I also do a better job of communicating (or defending if I'm dealing with NPCs

This doesn't seem to be all that common among forum members, but there's at least one other person here ("Outdated") who's done the same thing, and probably several others who've done so, but haven't stated it explicitly.

A final point: I'm factual/analytical by nature. That might make relatively easier for me to "unwrap" my own behaviors and communication style. OTOH there may be other ways for Aspies to change their masking.

@Outdated might like to add his perspective to this (the @ will send him an alert).

I probably register as normal to most of my friends and family too, but they don’t realize life is always on high volume for me. And it’s stressful

 

[Neri]

@Neri

I've followed a different approach to masking than (AFAIK) most people here. It's worked well for me:

The short version that's relevant to your question is that I started tuning my mask as an adult.
The main pre-req for this (in my case anyway) was understanding what I was actually doing. A lot of it was automatic, and as it turned out, a lot of that was formed when I was young and had very little understanding of NT's or NT communication.

I started by recognizing things that didn't work well, and changing what I did. This cut down a lot on the effort I spent on masking, so I had bandwidth available to experiment with other things. I've been on a "continuous improvement program" of sorts ever since.

Now (after perhaps a couple of decades) I don't really mask at all - I show "the real me" with minor adjustments (mostly omissions) so I register as "normal" to NTs. And it's much less effort than before, which means I also do a better job of communicating (or defending if I'm dealing with NPCs

This doesn't seem to be all that common among forum members, but there's at least one other person here ("Outdated") who's done the same thing, and probably several others who've done so, but haven't stated it explicitly.

A final point: I'm factual/analytical by nature. That might make relatively easier for me to "unwrap" my own behaviors and communication style. OTOH there may be other ways for Aspies to change their masking.

@Outdated might like to add his perspective to this (the @ will send him an alert).

That really does resonate. I seem to be in a very steep learning curve of late, because I'm making these kinds of realisations, very recently, today, even, in regards to just "toning down" some of my go-to, automatic modes of relating, especially now that I'm out and about again.

Today was lovely because when it comes to "hanging out" with support worker type peeps, I can just relax and let it all hang out a bit more. I can waffle on about myself and autism fun facts, which is my latest topic-of-much-passion-and-fascination, but, when it come to my family; my kid's and partner, I have to tone down the special-interest-of-the-moment, as they are either bored of hearing about it, reactive about it, or just plain not interested.

Being a very high scorer on the monotropic brain test, it takes quite a bit of energy to omit and not say what I'm immersed in, but, then I figure, I can info dump and talk autism stuff here and it's probably not gonna have people rolling their eyes or wishing I'd shut up.

I think I'm quite good at masking, and it's been a double-edged sword situation, but then I'm also bad at it and really can't hide my oddness and trying too hard never pans out well.

 

[Outdated]

[@Outdated might like to add his perspective to this (the @ will send him an alert).

Sorry I didn't notice this earlier.

As a child I didn't fit in, and I was bullied that much that by age 7 I had completely given up even trying to fit in with others. I didn't learn how to behave around other people at all as a child, except for defensive maneuvers. Both school life and homelife were fairly traumatic for me.

Then I started working at age 16 and my whole world turned around. The people I worked with treated me well and they were people I looked up to and it was only then that I started to learn acceptable social behaviour.

At the same time my only friend had just got his first job working in sales and he got sent to a sales training seminar. When he came back from that he told me all about it and one of the things he mentioned resonated with me, he said one of the lessons was about "how to wear the face". To always be happy and smiling no matter what's going on inside your head.

Especially at age 16 and having my own real money for the first time in my life, I wanted a girlfriend. And to do that I had to be able to act in a manner that girls would find attractive. I quickly realised how this would impact all other areas of my life too.

I started taking a lot more notice of other people, not just their facial expressions but also the way they walked, the way they moved. Then I started imitating those that looked good to me. I mean literally imitating, I'd go home and practice facial expressions and body movements in front of the mirror.

And practiced different ways of walking as well. How my hips move, how my shoulders are set and how my arms swing. From going through all this and practicing in the real world I started to notice how people responded differently to me and this also helped me to evolve my different masks.

Having grown up in a very rough neighbourhood and having been bullied all through my childhood one of the first things that cemented these lessons for me was just walking through my neighbourhood. I had learnt to walk not just with confidence, but with a grace and fluidity that people noticed. This made a huge difference to my every day life, when I walked through my neighbourhood I was no longer looking like a victim, instead I looked like I owned the place.

I still do that today, I walk in to a room and it's obvious to everyone that I own that room. That (apparent) self confidence opens a lot of doors for you but be careful. Overstep that fine line between self confidence and arrogance and all those doors will slam shut in your face. It's all just an act of course, internally I'm nervous as all hell and really need to go to the toilet, but the act works.

And naturally after seeing a few successes you'll keep repeating the same acts, with repetition comes ease and familiarity of use and everything starts to feel more natural.

This separated into several different masks over the years, one for every different type of situation. When I swagger in to a pub I'm displaying the same self confidence that I display when I stride in to an office for a job interview but there's behavioural differences in those two situations as well.

There's also times when I need to display anger, regardless of wether or not I'm feeling it, this became necessary as a Production Manager in control of staff. I was surprised that people didn't wonder if I was schizophrenic, I could turn around and yell at someone for something they weren't supposed to be doing, then instantly be my usual happy self again. Yet over the years people commented to me that they appreciated that about my nature.

Where I get myself in to trouble is that I do really care about what other people think of me and so I'm always very cautious about offending people. This means I often get dragged in to social events that I'd really prefer to avoid and I end up getting burned out a little more than I should, but it's nice to know people like me.

 

[Neri]

Sorry I didn't notice this earlier.

As a child I didn't fit in, and I was bullied that much that by age 7 I had completely given up even trying to fit in with others. I didn't learn how to behave around other people at all as a child, except for defensive maneuvers. Both school life and homelife were fairly traumatic for me.

Then I started working at age 16 and my whole world turned around. The people I worked with treated me well and they were people I looked up to and it was only then that I started to learn acceptable social behaviour.

At the same time my only friend had just got his first job working in sales and he got sent to a sales training seminar. When he came back from that he told me all about it and one of the things he mentioned resonated with me, he said one of the lessons was about "how to wear the face". To always be happy and smiling no matter what's going on inside your head.

Especially at age 16 and having my own real money for the first time in my life, I wanted a girlfriend. And to do that I had to be able to act in a manner that girls would find attractive. I quickly realised how this would impact all other areas of my life too.

I started taking a lot more notice of other people, not just their facial expressions but also the way they walked, the way they moved. Then I started imitating those that looked good to me. I mean literally imitating, I'd go home and practice facial expressions and body movements in front of the mirror.

And practiced different ways of walking as well. How my hips move, how my shoulders are set and how my arms swing. From going through all this and practicing in the real world I started to notice how people responded differently to me and this also helped me to evolve my different masks.

Having grown up in a very rough neighbourhood and having been bullied all through my childhood one of the first things that cemented these lessons for me was just walking through my neighbourhood. I had learnt to walk not just with confidence, but with a grace and fluidity that people noticed. This made a huge difference to my every day life, when I walked through my neighbourhood I was no longer looking like a victim, instead I looked like I owned the place.

I still do that today, I walk in to a room and it's obvious to everyone that I own that room. That (apparent) self confidence opens a lot of doors for you but be careful. Overstep that fine line between self confidence and arrogance and all those doors will slam shut in your face. It's all just an act of course, internally I'm nervous as all hell and really need to go to the toilet, but the act works.

And naturally after seeing a few successes you'll keep repeating the same acts, with repetition comes ease and familiarity of use and everything starts to feel more natural.

This separated into several different masks over the years, one for every different type of situation. When I swagger in to a pub I'm displaying the same self confidence that I display when I stride in to an office for a job interview but there's behavioural differences in those two situations as well.

There's also times when I need to display anger, regardless of wether or not I'm feeling it, this became necessary as a Production Manager in control of staff. I was surprised that people didn't wonder if I was schizophrenic, I could turn around and yell at someone for something they weren't supposed to be doing, then instantly be my usual happy self again. Yet over the years people commented to me that they appreciated that about my nature.

Where I get myself in to trouble is that I do really care about what other people think of me and so I'm always very cautious about offending people. This means I often get dragged in to social events that I'd really prefer to avoid and I end up getting burned out a little more than I should, but it's nice to know people like me.

You sound like someone I would like to meet. I feel like I could learn a lot from you. You sound very hardy and like you developed some amazing self confidence.
I would like to absorb some of that.
I am very hypersensitive about hurting people's feelings ILR. I, pretty much, always cry if I find out that I have, except when that person is very abrasive and unconcerned about other's feelings, then I am not so appalled and shamed.
I suffer from a lot of shame feelings and I'm in therapy for that.
I went through a lot of sexual abuse from being a neglected autistic teenage girl.
I wish I had confidence in my conversational abilities, but, I overshare and feel excruciatingly socially awkward, and I feel nervous and I talk a lot when I'm nervous. I'm very cautious and hypervigilant about people wanting to disengage, because I suffer from pretty severe rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's a common ADHD thing, and I have pretty severe ADHD. It's very painful so I am on hyper alert about being rejectable so have a lot of defensive ploys at play because of it. Despite that, I have been getting a lot of very positive feedback from various people I've spoken with lately. Some know me very well and some I've just met.
I'm just so damn complex I find myself I explicable .
I think I was much more likable when I did a lot of performance art (music and dance), probably because doing that made me happy and I feel confident in my skills and abilities.
Now, I am jangled, nervous, insecure, low self esteemy and unemployed and have been parenting too much for too long. So tiring. 33 years and counting. I need to do more fun things for myself and mix with more people that I'm not related to.

 

[Outdated]

probably because doing that made me happy and I feel confident in my skills and abilities.

This is how it always worked for me, being happy was crucial to my being able to function well. I was a big drinker when I was young and that certainly helped me be more sociable, tip enough beer in and you don't care what other people think.

I got too old to keep living like that though. Also, we slow down a bit as we get older, we don't have the same drive to go out and socialise and it's very easy to get used to not being around people all the time, very difficult to try and train yourself to tolerate them again after that.

 

[Neri]

This is how it always worked for me, being happy was crucial to my being able to function well. I was a big drinker when I was young and that certainly helped me be more sociable, tip enough beer in and you don't care what other people think.

I got too old to keep living like that though. Also, we slow down a bit as we get older, we don't have the same drive to go out and socialise and it's very easy to get used to not being around people all the time, very difficult to try and train yourself to tolerate them again after that.

I drank heavily for a year, when I was 16. Then I met my ex who was a stoner and so I switched to that on and off for 20 years. Then I gave that up for 10 years. Now I partake minimally, never smoke though. I wouldn't go out under the influence now though as it sensitizes me too much. I do drink moderately. If having to do a social thing at a pub, sometimes I will drink a little just to deal with the sensory overload. I don't really like hanging in pubs, though. I used to perform in them and that was fine.

Having a task to do when out in public always makes being out in public much more doable. My very monotropic brain loves to focus on a tunnel vision task and hates the unpredictability of an unstructured social situation. Sigh. Having said that, I am newly embarking on engaging with a bunch of disability services and I think that will be good for me

 

[Outdated]

I'm doing similar myself, trying to evolve a bit of a social life that doesn't involve grog. I've been involving myself a bit more lately. Try having a look at this mob: Home - Orana Volunteerability

They help match up different people's abilities and disabilities with what they know is required at different volunteer organisations and I found them really helpful.

 

[Neri]

I'm doing similar myself, trying to evolve a bit of a social life that doesn't involve grog. I've been involving myself a bit more lately. Try having a look at this mob: Home - Orana Volunteerability

They help match up different people's abilities and disabilities with what they know is required at different volunteer organisations and I found them really helpful.

I had a quick look at the site. It looks intriguing. Thanks for that

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

So in an attempt to unpack my social aversion and figure out how now to go out in the world, knowing I'm an Autistic person, I wanted to air out my thoughts on this topic and hopefully, glean some diverse thoughts and opinions on the matter.
I've come to the realisation that everybody masks, for the most part, autists and non autists, that is just How Society Functions.

The problem, as I see it, is that it just tends to take an enormous, unsustainable, toll on many of us spectrumites.Add to that the fact that for some of us, the capacity to mask is itself compromised due to our more monotropic brains and sensory issues.

Before I realised my autism I heavily masked and hid as much as I could. I was also in an abuse relationship and allegedly I masked that really well too, as after I, finally, left, I had someone come up to me and say "We never knew". It was narcissistic abuse and not physical in the way most people think of abuse relationships, it was more subtle, underhand but devastating on my health and sense of self and sanity.

So I entered severe breakdown/burnout mode which galvanised my exit of that situation. I was still unaware of my autism at this point, still heavily masking, still trying to "keep up" with the allistic folk, still thinking I'm just really defective.

Fast forward years later and a new relationship with a fellow autist and finally, I wasn't in such desperate survival mode, I'm on disability support and I've been in trauma treatment for years BUT I have no desire to make and keep friendships or really to work outside of the home, I'm struggling with executive function and my "special interests" consume my attention, and I realise I am sooooo socially burnt out and I am too run down and exhausted in the brain to mask the way I tried so hard to, in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.

I'm trying to figure out a compromise with masking so I can re enter society and I'm wondering what are other autistic people's thoughts on this matter?

The line of work I am considering, apart from writing, art and publishing some of my work, is around advocacy and peer work, as I am passionate about autism education and I'm trained in the mental health peer support field. I'm thinking this is an appropriate compromise between the necessary masking and being my authentic autistic self.

I now take great comfort in some ever more obvious stimming in public, the last couple of times I was out I rocked and it was soooo soothing. Prior to that I have been small stimming, stroking my arms and fingers, foot and toe movements. I've always hid the big stuff like jumping up and down, slapping myself on the thighs, but I, even back when I tried to "be NT" I danced a lot, and sang a lot and I'm pretty sure I dance very autistically, as my daughter got very embarrassed by me, growing up, and my now partner seems pretty embarrassed by my dancing but some people really like it and tell me so.

I'm able to "be myself", for the most part, with my Aspie guy friend, which, to me, feels like a life line, a metaphorical drink of fresh cool water in the desert.

Parenting, I've been trying so hard for so long that I think I'm pretty good at it, but some of my kid's, I think, struggle with me being an autist, and some are fine with it.

So, any reflections on the matter? How do you compromise, knowing you are a spectrumite? Or do you resign yourself to fully masking and just deal with the burn out as it happens? Is there ways you have found to avoid burn out and horrible brain fry from being out in the world?

Being a musician was great, I see musical instruments almost as just elaborate stimming tools but I'm no longer in that field. And I don't get to dance much anymore. Although I'd like to get back to both, just need more wellness at this point.

How do I see it?
I think I do mask some things just because I feel lonely, does not mean I like crummy situations where I am taken advantage of
And just because I am not happy feeling like that, does not mean I do not love people in my own way.
or that I would want to hurt them if we do not have compatible personalities
I do not think I mask my kindness much.
the only thing that is hard is co~operation at times but
i like to be at peace with others
i am no bully or *****
but also some people yes I find difficult
but there has to be some flash inside us because most people I get along with just sometimes it requires masking
I think I need a proper diagnosis too because
I never ever felt the need to mask in the past
just maybe had to keep some thoughts and feelings to myself
so in the past there were just things I could not say
but you do sometimes need to mask to survive, I do at times if necessary
or never bond or be with some people
i mask my inside needs and my truths
i mask them because they are true no matter who invalidates them
and I do not feel like I need to ‘mask’ to hide them
my truths are right
and I am angry because I am scared and hurt and I never liked my rage but I am so used to it now and use it as a survival mechanism
and it is not fair your only fight in you would be your rage
because you do not know anymore how to exist without feeling like people are hurting you or you are well
i should be able to feel what I need, have what I need and not be told evil things particularly about women
like a personal attack
because even if it not I am too sick to hear it,
and what difference does it make if I am going to be triggered by it and fearful
what kind of spiritual entity would backstab you at the last minute and use your hurt against you when you have done so much for his kingdom
and then try to invalidate your truths because of your triggers
not someone who loves and appreciates you
who would say rage that you could not understand and could not celebrate was well?
like someone hates you so much they want to destroy you
because you were not the same as another person.
help them so much when u are unwell and have him validate them and say you are wrong when you have triggers and you and your family have suffered immensely
like you have not spend ur whole life being a loving caring person and never looking down on anyone for appearance or any difference

 

[Jumpinbare]

I was over-the-top emotionally unstable as a kid and I hated it. A friend at school had a book about self hypnosis and shared it with me. I was fascinated. I saw the self-hypnosis as a way to get the emotions under control. I also learned I could use it to tune out pain. As a bullied kid, that came in handy as well. When word got around that I didn't respond to pain, one of the more infamous bullies at my school confirmed that by pummelling me one day. I was aware he was probably bruising me, but I just stood there, not reacting at all. After that, I became a non-target (no fun) for the bullies, at least as far as physical beatings went.

Over time, I found the self-hypnosis process to be generally useful to put up with a lot of unpleasant things. It didn't help me to pick up on social clues any better, but I could make myself better tolerate the ickyness of social interaction(mostly). I could also better tolerate noise, temperature extremes, etc. This book made the point that it was mostly believing that hypnosis would work that made it work. Sort of programming your brain. Being the logical young professor, I figured I could go straight to the belief without the tedium of the hypnosis process. I could just decide what effect I needed, and it would happen. The ability to tune out unpleasantness, whether physical or emotional, became the primary engine enabling my masking. I learned to put up with just about anything. People actually commented to me numerous times over the years what a patient person I was (if they only knew - I was not patient at all, nor am I now - I just learned to ACT patient and suppress my frustration). Of course, I always needed frequent solitude to recharge.

After learning of my autism early in 2023, and reading various articles and books on unmasking, I decided to just let down all my guards and react naturally to everything - up to a point (I still need to behave politely, and tolerate the feeling of wearing clothing when I'm in public, for example). But I have found that I can't eliminate all my filters even when alone. Some of my masking is necessary from a purely physical standpoint. With my guards down, I find that things like washing my hands in cold water, taking a shower at any temperature, walking on cold or rough surfaces, hearing dogs barking, or just my day-to-day arthritis pains are REALLY unpleasant. I literally hadn't realized just how much of the world I had learned to tune out. It has become so habitual I had become consciously unaware of it until I deliberately tried to stop doing it.

I really shouldn't complain too much. This has been the biggest factor in my being able to function successfully for decades with my aberrant neurology. I forced myself to perform, and tuned out most of the unpleasantness.