Mean people

[Mars26]

A few months ago, an unforgivable thing happened to me, my ex-friends decided to ostracize me, lie about me, persuaded my toxic ex to be against me. However, I will not write about it because I already did it.

The point is that they organized our college group integration on Friday and invited everyone but me and a my friend (she was also previosuly friends with our ex-friends) who refused to ostracize me.

Everything is cool if not for the fact that they called it an integration and not a party. Of course, I wouldn't come anyway because I don't want to spend time with them, but I'm part of the group so I should be included in the group's activities. Besides, they invited two friends they hate, Peter and Mark. When my ex-friends did what they did to me and finally said what "supposedly" I did, they even said, "You're not as bad as Peter, but after what you've done, don't count on too much." But now they invited him and they didn't invite me. I do not know how to behave now because I have to go to universities where everyone will integrate and get to know better at parties to which I am not invited. Besides, some of my friends, knows what that ex-friends of mine did to me, but they still befriended them. I am generally a supporter of people making their own decisions, but they could be nice to them and go to these parties, but they don't have to be friends with them, since they know that I don't like them and I'm afraid of them.
A completely funny situation that these friends made a party because my friend (whom they invited to their party) made a house party (he called it, a house party or a party never integration) and did not invite them and a few other people he knew less. However, this is another reason why I don't know why they didn't invite me.
What should I do? How should I behave at the university? How should I feel about my friends who become friends with my ex friends aka enemies? Because, unfortunately, I'm afraid that they are so nice now that no one will discover how horrible they really are.

 

[Amy Stone]

It's simple: like the people who are directly good and nice to you and the rest can piss off

 

[Mars26]

It's simple: like the people who are directly good and nice to you and the rest can piss off

I know that but what about friends who, knowing how much I have suffered, became friends with them? Are they bad? How should I treat them? Stop hanging out with them or let them do what they want? Or maybe a compromise? Still be friends but stop trusting them?

 

[Amy Stone]

You can't control what other people do or who they are friends with. Plus people need to come to their own conclusions about who is "bad" and "good". You are overthinking this. Just be good to the people who are directly good to you and ignore the rest.

Keep in mind, just because those one group of friends are not kind to you, does not mean that are bad people in general or toxic to everyone.

 

[Mars26]

Keep in mind, just because those one group of friends are not kind to you, does not mean that are bad people in general or toxic to everyone.

I know that but It's irritates me that they (my ex friends) were awfull to me, they keep tormenting me and they still likable to everyone else. They (my friends) see this and don't react. I did nothing bad but my life is hurting not theirs (lives of my ex friends).

 

[Aspychata]

University life- so many people spend time pitting people against other people. Don't take it so personally. After you leave college, you won't even pick up the phone to talk to them. Put on your reality glasses, and take off the rose colored glasses. This is the way people act in universities. Period.

 

[Judge]

Still be friends but stop trusting them?

Just seek new friends with no toxic connections to such people. Sometimes you must start from scratch when it comes to friendships. Best not to have any such people in your social orbit.

 

[Misery]

Okay, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here because I'm usually the one to do so (I mean, come on, my name is "Misery"), and I'm not going to sugarcoat this:

Of course, I wouldn't come anyway because I don't want to spend time with them, but I'm part of the group so I should be included in the group's activities.

This, right here. I'm betting this is part of the problem.

Thing is, people can spot this sort of thing... particularly NTs. Even if you dont THINK you are projecting that... believe me, you absolutely are. And NTs in particular often feel very offended if someone they think of as a friend genuinely just does not want to spend time with them. I mean, really, if you want to hurt an NT emotionally... letting them know, in ANY form, that you dont want to spend time with them, that's THE way to make it happen.

But, one very, VERY common aspect for those on the spectrum is that they cannot spot that. Cannot spot what they themselves are projecting, that is. Or, sometimes, cannot spot the problems in the things that they are saying or doing. Like I said... VERY common. And I'm hardly any exception to the rule. The only real reason I even understand that it is there or am able to spot it these days is because certain individuals in my life, far wiser than I, were able to get the idea through my thick skull and get me to a point of understanding.

"You're not as bad as Peter, but after what you've done, don't count on too much."

And also, there's this. People dont say lines like THAT as part of "just being mean". If they want to just be mean, they'd just exclude, laugh, and maybe throw a snotty insult at you. But a line like THAT is usually borne out of frustration and a sense of having been wronged.

And one of the most bloody freaking irritating aspects of being on the spectrum is that, like I said, often we CANNOT see when we've done something that might be bad towards someone else... I mean, think about it, most of us have enough trouble just navigating basic social situations. OF COURSE we're going to say/do the wrong things and not realize it.

As for why they invited this Peter that they seem to hate more? Could be any reason. Could be that their anger at you is simply far more recent, which means it is stinging a lot right now, while something that happened earlier wouldnt be as fresh on their minds. Or, it could be that there's some other unusual reason that caused them to do it... sometimes, an invite happens for reasons beyond just "we're friends". Could be a simple obligation or that they somehow owe him something... you cant know unless they tell you.


What I'm saying here is this: We often perceive things in social situations to be a particular way, but the very nature of autism in general is such that it causes us to be drastically wrong about that perception, and it does so very, very frequently... it's one of the biggest challenges anyone on the spectrum faces. To realize that is important, because if the blame is always being placed on the other party while our own behavior is not being fully, TRULY examined (as in, without our own personal/emotional bias getting in the way)... we cant grow and improve.


Take it from someone who made a few far worse mistakes than any of this. Each of which has haunted me for years and will forever continue to do so. I'm saying all of this because I know what can happen, and why... that's all.


However, that all being said: what @Aspychata said is often true, in that people often sort of disband after university stuff is done.

But also, keep in mind something very, very important: You arent at a university to socialize and party. Yes, I know, various idiots like to project the idea that socializing is what college and whatever is all about. But that's not why you're there (or at least I hope it's not why you're there). You have an academic goal, and if you waste too much time and mental energy on trying to socialize with people who wont remember you 2 years later, it's gonna come back to bite you really darned hard later. And it'll leave a rather nasty scar... that sort of thing doesnt fade.


There, I'm done being unpleasant. I hope none of that seemed in any way mean, as it is not meant to be. But I aint always so good at the communication myself.

 

[Thinx]

The ruminating about what they all said takes us away from our own behaviours, which is the only thing we can change. What you could change here is to stop giving this attention. Hard? Yes. Nearly impossible? Perhaps it seems so. But once you learn to distract yourself from this you can live your life so much more comfortably.

You have to resolve to do so. Each time these issues come to mind, have something you say and do to distract yourself. Something active probably. I will not give this yet more attention, I will go to the shop. That kind of thing. Keep it up. It's like breaking an addiction. If you can't or won't, you are doomed to keep posting this kind of stuff which is most of all you post here. Someone's been mean to me, what should I do?

Distance yourself. Start afresh with a determined attitude not to get drawn in. Looking back over your posts should show you that you are the common factor. You seem to take some typical Aspie actions, get in difficulties where after your muddled or unsophisticated behaviours someone or a group shun you, then instead of doing something different yourself, you ask how you should now behave towards them?

You need to look after yourself, be your own friend, and stop behaving like you will some day turn into a neurotypical who everyone admires and loves, or as if anytime soon you will be the only miscommunicating Aspie who everyone loves and thinks is cute. Not gonna happen. Be brave. You sound nice, but you need to stop wishing others would understand you, and take stock.

 

[Mars26]

This, right here. I'm betting this is part of the problem.

This is not a problem, they were awfull to me but I was always helping them because I was president of our year (I don't know if I translated it correctly), I have high position in student council and i'm in Academy's Senate (again I'm not sure about translation). I was helping them even when I wasn't president anymore. So I don't know what are you saying. Because the fact that I would not like to come to the party (to which I was not invited anyway) did not result from my unjustified dislike, but from their previous behavior towards me.

And one of the most bloody freaking irritating aspects of being on the spectrum is that, like I said, often we CANNOT see when we've done something that might be bad towards someone else... I mean, think about it, most of us have enough trouble just navigating basic social situations. OF COURSE we're going to say/do the wrong things and not realize

This is also not accurate beacuse like I said I talked here about me expierience and what they did to me on forum, with friends, family and even strangers and no one said it was my fault. In short, I got drunk at a party because I lost three people close to me in six months, and my boyfriend ignored me as usual. Don't get me wrong, when I found out that I misbehaved at a party (not knowing what exactly I did) I immediately apologized to the ONLY friend who was angry with me. I wrote to her that I was sorry and that I would take a break with alcohol. She didn't answer, and in the meantime I was taken to the hospital because I hit my head at a party (which no one would inform me about) and had a concussion. After I left the hospital (there was another lockdown in our place) everything was fine and after the weekend no one spoke to me anymore, I figured they were probably busy before Easter so I didn't do drama. However, after Easter Holiday, when the hosts ordered me to pay for most of the things (even though I had brought a lot of alcohol and food), I paid because I felt bad about my misbehavior, and the next day I was kicked out of the group. About two weeks later, after lockdown, I met a friend before class who talked everyone against me and I found out the biggest nonsense in the world, she was lost in her testimony, and she said that something like this had already happened at my party where there were also others people who confirmed that it wasn't, she said that I said kinky things, even though they also said that to me because we played truth or dare, and most importantly, she told my boyfriend that I confided in her our relationship problems (well, because she was my best friend ) and claimed that I was calling him names and gossiping about him with everyone.

 

[Mars26]

If you can't or won't, you are doomed to keep posting this kind of stuff which is most of all you post here. Someone's been mean to me, what should I do?

I know but this is still the same situation (not new one) but with new factors. But you are right.

 

[Mars26]

You seem to take some typical Aspie actions, get in difficulties where after your muddled or unsophisticated behaviours someone or a group shun you, then instead of doing something different yourself, you ask how you should now behave towards them?

This I also don't understand I was drunk on party and saying things like everyone one else and nobody thaught that this was awful because like you said in my first post about this situation everyone was once embarrassed and they shouldn't judge. Besides I even don't agree what you said in second post about why I probably told my ex-best friend about my ex was because asperger. Because most of my NT friends told me or our other friends about problems with their partners, problems at collage etc. this is not only Aspie action. But you are right that I always asks friends about social things I don't understand but this wasn't it. My ex was toxic and awful and manipulative, after our break up and even before that I discover that he wasn't treated only me this way. His behavior wasn't normal.

Don't get me wrong. I'am not angry or anything, but offended a little bit. I am always working on my behavior, and I worked on behavior in my relationship for half a year. I'm not saying I didn't make a mistake. However, to suggest to me that the common factor of failing is me is not kind to me. Because you read my previosue posts and you known what they did to me and why they did it to me. They had no reason, so they made up an excuse. Because all people, friends and strangers, young and old etc. said that my behavior wasn't nice but I was drunk and regretfull but they bullied me on purpose and sober.

As for why I am writing post about it again, it is not like you said that "You seem to take some typical Aspie actions, get in difficulties where after your muddled or unsophisticated behaviours someone or a group shun you" but because new factors came in, the first post was about should I worry that my ex does not speak up after what I did, the second was about the fact that I found out that this only angry friend persuaded the rest against me with lies and half-truths, and the third one is about the fact that they don't want broke our relationship in postive way but they want to be mean to me. The same case but every post have new factor. That's why suggesting to me that I don't learn from my mistakes and keep getting to the same situation works like wind to fire for me.

Sorry, but I wanted to clarify my position on this matter. Maybe I didn't understand you or you didn't understand me, that's why I'm writing this.

 

[Thinx]

It's not that I don't agree that they are mean, and unfair. But... who here has not experienced similar stuff? At some point we have to come to terms with the fact that we don't necessarily 'get' enough of how the neurotypical majority communicate, to perform well in their way of looking at things.

And my experience of life is not that when I find others unfair or cold shouldering me, it gets solved and then we become good friends. Usually it doesn't. So it's not my fault, but how will I be most likely to feel better? Not by pinning my hopes on them, or by digging myself in deeper with more rejected attempts at communication.

Sorry this has happened, it sounds unpleasant and you posted for ideas from others. My idea at this point is, dump these people, stop thinking about them, and move on from it now, because I don't see what else you can usefully do unfortunately. I agree they are mean people. Why continue to invest any time with them?

 

[Aspychata]

The ruminating about what they all said takes us away from our own behaviours, which is the only thing we can change. What you could change here is to stop giving this attention. Hard? Yes. Nearly impossible? Perhaps it seems so. But once you learn to distract yourself from this you can live your life so much more comfortably.

You have to resolve to do so. Each time these issues come to mind, have something you say and do to distract yourself. Something active probably. I will not give this yet more attention, I will go to the shop. That kind of thing. Keep it up. It's like breaking an addiction. If you can't or won't, you are doomed to keep posting this kind of stuff which is most of all you post here. Someone's been mean to me, what should I do?

Distance yourself. Start afresh with a determined attitude not to get drawn in. Looking back over your posts should show you that you are the common factor. You seem to take some typical Aspie actions, get in difficulties where after your muddled or unsophisticated behaviours someone or a group shun you, then instead of doing something different yourself, you ask how you should now behave towards them?

You need to look after yourself, be your own friend, and stop behaving like you will some day turn into a neurotypical who everyone admires and loves, or as if anytime soon you will be the only miscommunicating Aspie who everyone loves and thinks is cute. Not gonna happen. Be brave. You sound nice, but you need to stop wishing others would understand you, and take stock.

Like the way you administered the painful truth. I need to reread this every day as my get better routine.☺

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I know that but what about friends who, knowing how much I have suffered, became friends with them? Are they bad? How should I treat them? Stop hanging out with them or let them do what they want? Or maybe a compromise? Still be friends but stop trusting them?

or make mischief towards them in a social setting

 

[Misery]

Nt's can often be assholes to people when they think they are in the position to, they are high in the hierarchy and you aren't. In their eyes its totally normal and justified behavior, it's just banter or whatever. Nt just accept this and play along. Autists will take offense and feel hurt, they then give of the vibe they don't want to be in the group and dislike those people. Nt will take insane offense and well you know what happens next.

In highschool i was in a group, there was one guy who got all the **** and just laughed it off, he stayed in the group and as far as i know didn't want to leave either. Ofcourse despite it being "innocent banter" the guy at the top never got any and didn't accept any either. They tried to the same to me but i didn't have any of it, i didn't laugh it of and i didn't like it but i was forced to stay since i didn't want to be completely alone. One person explicitly said it was weird i didn't like the "banter" while the other guy just took it. After a while they started being more genuinely toxic and anoyed so i left as should have done earlier. I am never going to join any type of group with a "banter" hierarchy again, fortunately i enjoy one on one friendships much more. tldr is i was autistic and not compatible with them so they rejected me.

They made me uncomfortable and dislike the group first tho, it's like when someone judges you for being to quiet and than thinks its weird when you don't want to talk to them anymore at all, and then even take offense for it. Don't insult someone because you think you are in the position to do so and than take offense that person isn't comfortable with you anymore.

I am not going to take blame for being unaware of giving of a "dislikes me" and "is uncomfortable" vibes when they made me feel that way in the first place.

If someone does not seem accepting of me being weird and autistic, i will dislike that person. If i can hear someone make joke about me being weird, my body language may indicate that i have a great dislike for them and don't want to be around them. Why do i need to be "polite" and pretend i do like them? Its almost always the nt that starts this entire ****ing drama in the first place. People that i deservedly don't like can feel offended all they want.

And i know i am very compatible with people that don't do this, i can have a very good time with people that don't do this fake banter that's just insulting to establish a dominant position. I really don't need it in my life. Most people do it instinctively, but it's really not necessary and we would be fine without it.

Er.... Look, I'll be totally honest here: I have no idea what you're getting at.

You seem to have quoted my post, but... I dont know why? This topic is months old, as is my post in it, and I no longer remember/understand the context in which I posted it or the thought process I had at the time (and I aint good at sifting through old forgotten conversations), so meaning and context have mostly been lost.