Meltdowns as an Aspie Parent

[Shawn D]

My meltdowns have increased in frequency, which has been due to increased stress from raising a special needs child.
It makes me question whether I could handle having anymore children. I don't seem to be able to handle the one we've got. She was so much easier in her first year; she hardly cried. Now, she's 20 months and cries all the time. She's mentally 3months, so we have a perma-infant.
Sometimes I can't figure out how to get her to stop. Today was one of those days and I lost it. My main sensory issue seems to be being yelled at, and if it's not being berated by my husband, it's my daughter "yelling" (e.g. hysterically crying) at me.
Do you have children and have meltdowns? How does it affect your children? Your ability to parent? Did you have concerns about your ability to handle parenthood before you had children, or before having more children once you had one? Did you find your concerns were justified once you "took the leap", so to speak?

 

[watersprite]

Yes I have children and I used to have meltdowns. Now I have shutdowns, it has been a long time since a meltdown.
It affected my children in that they became aware that 1. It is possible for me to get sensory overload even without their input, and 2. My meltdowns were never directed at them but still were scary for them. I explained more about them to the kids as the kids matured.
My ability to parent is "good enough." There are many pluses to being a parent on the spectrum that balance out, if you will, the negatives. Parenting is a journey that takes continuous courage and work and creativity.
My limit is 2 kids. Your mileage may vary.
I don't know what you mean by my concerns being justified.
If you are having a lot of meltdowns then get some help as soon as possible.
hugs,
~ kestrel

 

[Naturalist]

This is actually what led me to discover I had Asperger's. I have always had meltdowns but my family wrote them off as me being "overly sensitive" or hormonal and I didn't have an alternative explanation. But when my son was born I was in constant sensory overload, with no relief as my husband became more distant, my in-laws refused to help, and my own family dismissed my anxiety and criticized me for "not being a responsible adult". All this added to my anxiety over how to care for my son, and I had meltdowns on a daily basis. Cried a lot and started rocking routinely, as well as hitting myself, which until that point had only been something I did when really excessively stressed. I was hypersensitive to every sound and couldn't sleep, had to check on my son so frequently it was almost OCD. I had no time for my own special interests so my self-esteem dissipated; eight years later I still find it hard to work on my art or my writing, because if I start and get interrupted I really lash out at people, so it's safer not to start.

I wish I could tell my son why I act and react the way I did / do, but my husband has gotten really angry with me when I try to say anything relating to autism or Asperger's in front of my son. He says he doesn't want our son to lose confidence in me. But I don't know if that is the real reason. My husband is really concerned about what other people think of him and I think he is embarrassed to be stuck with me.

I decided after my son was born, I would have no more children. I can barely care for myself, and although I think I have learned to be a good mom for my son, having another would alter the dynamic yet again and I think would probably be too much to take.

 

[Shawn D]

My limit is 2 kids. Your mileage may vary.
I don't know what you mean by my concerns being justified.

I guess what I mean by "concerns being justified" is, did your beliefs about your ability to handle being a parent stay the same after becoming a parent?
Or, did you find you could handle things better than you previously thought you could?
I've always struggled with knowing my limits, so I'm not sure how I'd really be with two kids. Of course, once you have 'em, there's no going back, so adding another baby is not a decision I take lightly. Though, my ambivalence comes from knowing that I may one day regret NOT having another child, but it will be too late.

 

[NateSean]

I'm not a parent, but it sounds like you really need an outside source of support. Whatever advice we give you here simply won't replace that of a professional. The main reason I didn't have children is because I knew I would never have the mental faculties to keep another human being alive, at least in any way that was beneficial to society.

 

[watersprite]

Shawn D Okay, thanks - in my case, I handled it about as well as I expected. With the (obvious) caveat that there are always unknowns and surprises. I do not handle surprises well, not even little ones, so that is an area where, always, a shutdown or meltdown was/is a possibility. Also, I raised them by myself without family around. This both simplified and "harsh-ified" our situation. I've learned a lot. Most importantly to go ahead and act on things that are feeling important.

 

[Shawn D]

Shawn D Okay, thanks - in my case, I handled it about as well as I expected. With the (obvious) caveat that there are always unknowns and surprises. I do not handle surprises well, not even little ones, so that is an area where, always, a shutdown or meltdown was/is a possibility. Also, I raised them by myself without family around. This both simplified and "harsh-ified" our situation. I've learned a lot. Most importantly to go ahead and act on things that are feeling important.

Thank you for your input. I know all too well about surprises. We had no idea our baby had a rare, life-limiting syndrome until after she was born. I didn't meltdown, I just shutdown. The meltdowns came later.

I'm just tired of making fear-based decisions. The problem with this one is, deciding TO have another baby is fear-based, in that I'm afraid of being alone. The divorce rate of parents with special needs kids is 80% and I'll outlive my current child.

The decision NOT to have another baby is fear-based, in that I'm afraid of having another special needs child, and oddly, nearly as afraid of having a typical one (they seem so much more emotionally draining).

So, I can't make a decision that isn't based in fear. And, historically, I don't make good decisions, so I'm afraid to make a decision at all!
Is this common with Aspies? Living in constant and paralyzing fear? Should I just start flipping a coin to make decisions to take the pressure off? [emoji12]

I do see a therapist. So far, we've been working on how I can be less defensive when I feel blamed. I suppose the next issue to tackle is how I can live fearlessly AND make better decisions at the same time. I used to throw caution to the wind, to do things without much thought, and it always seemed to get me trouble.

Now, I over analyze all of my life choices, out of fear I'll make more bad ones. It's exhausting.

 

[Naturalist]

So, I can't make a decision that isn't based in fear. And, historically, I don't make good decisions, so I'm afraid to make a decision at all!
Is this common with Aspies? Living in constant and paralyzing fear? Should I just start flipping a coin to make decisions to take the pressure off? [emoji12]

I think it is a common experience for us. My family always insisted that I take everything too seriously, and internalize it too much.

Along the lines of coin-flipping, is the realization that any decision you make will have both benefits or drawbacks for your family. Perhaps it would help for your family to meet with a family therapist, rather than your individual therapist, who can help you to consider all the possibilities and make a sound, objective decision. Especially since you don't want your decision to negatively affect your daughter; you want her to have the best life possible for her, even though she can't tell you what that might mean.

Also, it might be helpful for you to read "The Mighty." There are so many insightful posts by people who are in similar situations, raising children with chronic illness or disability: http://themighty.com . (FWIW, there are a lot of essays about living with Asperger's / autism as well.)

 

[Shawn D]

I think it is a common experience for us. My family always insisted that I take everything too seriously, and internalize it too much.

Along the lines of coin-flipping, is the realization that any decision you make will have both benefits or drawbacks for your family. Perhaps it would help for your family to meet with a family therapist, rather than your individual therapist, who can help you to consider all the possibilities and make a sound, objective decision. Especially since you don't want your decision to negatively affect your daughter; you want her to have the best life possible for her, even though she can't tell you what that might mean.

Also, it might be helpful for you to read "The Mighty." There are so many insightful posts by people who are in similar situations, raising children with chronic illness or disability: http://themighty.com . (FWIW, there are a lot of essays about living with Asperger's / autism as well.)

Thank you! I see The Mighty on my Facebook newsfeed, but I haven't visited their website yet; they may have an entry particularly relevant to my conundrum.
I really do want what's best for my daughter, and for my marriage. My husband and I used to see a couples therapist, and things were better then, but she admitted to not knowing much about Asperger's. Maybe the therapist I'm seeing now could see my husband and me together, since he is familiar with Asperger's.
Thank you again for you advice!

 

[Rocco]

First let me say I understand, to a degree, and you have my deepest sympathy. I will "follow" you on the site and commence sending platonic positive messages to you, if that is acceptable?

I was diagnosed almost two years ago-ish. Because of this, I never made major life decisions with an Aspie awareness mindset.

Do you have children and have meltdowns?

Yes I have three daughters, now 13,13(twins),10. Yes I have meltdowns but have learned to vacate the area when i feel it coming, I got hide in my garage/studio. I tend to have inappropriate outbursts when triggered which is NOT cool.

How does it affect your children?

They tend to get quiet and not involved. I shudder to think of any long term impact my behavior has, but I am a loving caring supportive father.

Your ability to parent? Did you have concerns about your ability to handle parenthood before you had children, or before having more children once you had one?

Yes I was worried before I had kids, but I didn't know I was on spectrum when I started a family.
I worry about setting a poor example all the time.

It IS VERY difficult in my opinion, raising children while on the spectrum.
One twin had some emotional issues, and the youngest is almost definitely an Aspie.
Twins were born at almost 7 months old, icu, and were very special needs until around 2-3.
As far as more in the future absolutely not! unless there is a civilization collapse and reproduction is required for the survival of the human species.


The only advice I can offer is more of a request... Find something to give you a moment in time; Headphones, paint or draw a picture, listen to music, excercise, stim like it's an Olympic event, visit this website, punch a stuffed animal or pillow (it won't hurt it, and it can't hit back )
Do something creative, meditate, weight blanket, etc.

Do something for YOU when you feel overwhelmed, doing this has helped me immensely. And being active here.

Best wishes.

 

[Datura]

I am not a parrent, but I will offer my thoughts.

First of all, I think that seeing a couples therapist is a very good idea. You can't tell a baby to stop crying, but your husband really shouldn't be berating you. If he communicated with you in a more respectful and sensory friendly manner that would give you more reserve to deal with the crying.

Also; even though your child is severly delayed that doesn't mean she isn't picking up on your moods. If you and your husband have a calmer and more harmonious relationship this might actually make for a calmer baby, which will make for calmer parents. It's a positive feedback loop.

As for me; I don't see myself ever being a parent at this point in my life Lacking the ability to procreate I would have to addopt, so any form of parenthood on my part would have to be very deliberate. I just don't think it would be responsible to subject a child to my intermittent employability and volatile mood swings. I don't think I would ever be directly abbusive to a child, but I fear for my ability to provide for them materially and emotionally. A child would also be likely to internalize my own negative emotions and think that they were in some way responsible, or at least lack a sense of stability as they would not understand why mommy crying and rocking on the couch, or storming around the house muttering to herself. I already feel bad for my dog, who starts shaking and wants to be let out as soon as I get in a bad mood.

 

[AspiePie]

My dad had a lot of meltdowns?

 

[Naturalist]

My husband and I used to see a couples therapist, and things were better then, but she admitted to not knowing much about Asperger's. Maybe the therapist I'm seeing now could see my husband and me together, since he is familiar with Asperger's.

My own counselor advised me that the couples counselor should be a separate person if possible, because your personal counselor may unwittingly develop a bias. If the couples counselor doesn't know about Aspergers she might wish to confer with your personal counselor occasionally to see if she is reading your situation accurately. (With your permission, of course!)