Meltdowns because of empty social battery

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi, I have a question about a specific thing that I experience (and always have, also when I was a child) and that I struggle the most with. Now, I don't know if that's an autism thing, an introversion thing or just a me-thing.

I honestly like being with people, but my social battery tends to go empty very suddenly and very quickly. Like, one minute I'm fine, and the next I notice this tension building up, me getting more and more stressed and closer to tears, until I feel that I need to either be alone RIGHT now or instead I burst into tears and/or start shouting (and don't feel better afterwards, either).
Of course, this happens more often when I'm stressed anyway, or when I've had a few social days. For example, it happened today: A friend stayed over, yesterday evening I was still completely fine and enjoying myself, and this morning I already woke up feeling tense, and at some point in the kitchen I decompensated, begging my partner and our friend to please leave the room because I need to be alone for a few minutes, then when I was alone I cried and almost hyperventilated for a few minutes. Clearly it had been way too late and what I like to call "rescue-alone-time", which means a very limited amount of alone time that allows me to get through the rest of the social time without decompensating. I usually do that on family holidays or get-togethers with friends where I stay for more than a few hours. Clearly, that's not ideal - but it's just not socially accepted for me to just leave for at least an hour in between to watch a series, read or put my headphones on (the things I usually do to recharge).

Now, this happens with variable frequency. If I'm already stressed in general, it might happen daily, or every 2 days. If I get plenty of alone time, like right now where I'm studying for an exam and am home alone every day until my partner gets home around 4-5 PM, it almost never happens. Just today, because of what I explained.

I don't really see early warning signs. Maybe today, I noticed for the first time that a short while before decompensating, I started singing/humming to myself, maybe already to tune out the others talking and to pretend to get into my mental alone-zone - or at least into my substitute alone-zone for emergencies. I don't do that each time, though. It's really difficult for me to foresee these moments early enough to prevent a total decompensation.

It's really worrying me... Also because in the future I want to work as a doctor, and I noticed during interships that when I worked all day around people, I come home and basically need to recharge straight away. There's not much social capacity left for my partner or friends, which I'm very sorry for. But the alternative would be to completely change fields and choose one where I can work from home, and I don't really want that...

On the rare occasions when I tell my family about this, they basically tell me to buckle up and not be so sensitive, and that everyone needs to be able to be around people. My friend implied that I just don't want to show people when I feel bad. But that's really not it. In these situations, the only reason I feel bad is because there are people around, worse if they want to talk to me. I just need to be alone. As soon as I'm alone, I feel completely fine and calm. I just feel like no one gets it. I am the only person I know to experience these kind of acute meltdowns if I can't be alone when I need to. Do some of you do too? And how do you deal with it?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long text.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

P.S.: I have it mainly when I am supposed to interact with people. When I am just in the company of a person but able to put my headphones on, read or work on something, it almost never happens. Neither with animals. I feel like it's more the necessity to talk and interact myself, rather than the simple physical presence of other people.

 

[MNAus]

Honestly? You're best placed getting a professional to help you. ASD is one of those things where one can easily associate with the descriptions, especially some of the looser definitions. But clearly this is something that's troubling you, so maybe ask your doc what you might do? This could be many things. High levels of stress can make it difficult to attend to the minutiae of social interactions, for instance.

I can give my experience of socialising, but it's only one person in a big spectrum of people. For me, there's nothing social. I like the presence of people, it feels safe, cosy, gezellig (great Dutch word). But I have nothing for them and want nothing of them. Unless I get onto a topic I enjoy (and you'll know if that happens) it's all mechanical. I like to hear genuine news and facts, but there's no bond there for me. Don't get me wrong, I like people, I love people, but conversation brings nothing. I have no interest in the people stuff, just the facts, and definitely the ideas.

 

[tazz]

Hi. This is pretty much exactly how things happen for me. For years I struggled with it - telling myself to "buckle up" and not be so impatient. But I was diagnosed with autism earlier this year and I've had input from specialists, and it is now clear to me that this is part of how autism affects me.

I find social interaction and communication, and language processing, very effortful. I can do it - and I've been told I do it very well. I don't have any learning difficulties, for example. However, I become overwhelmed if it goes on too long.

One of the problems is that there are no immediate signs that it's happening. I can be in a social situation and interact fine for a while. But at some point I start to get exhausted and very quickly it escalates into a meltdown or a blow-up.

Meltdowns are basically where my executive function starts to degrade rapidly. I find it more difficult to understand what people are saying. I find it more difficult to order my thoughts and construct sentences. It's more difficult to perform simple tasks like serving dinner because I can't work out the sequence of events. So this all starts to slow down. And then eventually I just can't interact any more. When I was younger, this would result in becoming mute and physically unresponsive. But in my adult life I just find I have to leave the situation and be alone or immerse myself in a routine task - something that allows the socialising parts of my brain to rest.

Blow ups are where I get irritated and angry. I am frustrated with myself mostly, because my executive function isn't operating properly. But also because the intensity has increased to the point where I've got like an earthquake or fireworks going off in my head. It looks like a childish tantrum. Sometimes, in rare occasions, I might hit or break something. Or I shout, usually at something. I'm never violent physically or verbally towards other people. Although I'm sure my outburst comes across that way sometimes.

Before I was diagnosed and started to understand the causes better, I was just telling myself to stop being so childish and impatient. This never worked. And it can't work really, because the issue is how my brain is processing sensory input. For a little while I can hold back my own frustrations in an effort to ensure it doesn't affect others. But that means I end up in the "blow up" territory rather than bailing out while I'm still in "meltdown" territory.

Having been diagnosed I have developed better strategies to help. Rather than seeing early warning signs, for me it was more about patterns. I know that social interaction wears me out. Even if during the social interaction everything seems to be going fine, I know if it continues for too long then it will be a problem. So planning helps - reducing the amount of interaction, giving myself quiet time before and after, making sure I can take breaks. Also, and I realise this might concern you given what you've said about your plans for work, but I have ended up changing my work - reducing my hours significantly, and cutting out the parts of my job that involved a lot of unplanned and intense social interaction.

It's about 6 months since I've had a major blow up, which is the longest I usually go before something happens. And my meltdowns, which are usually much more frequent, have reduced in frequency and severity.

 

[Aspychata]

Definitely l need me time after a lot of social interaction with usually co-workers. Like l am just to sped up in everything, and l need to dial down. So not a meltdown, but a coming down off my masking and trying to accommodate the social navigation with perhaps situations l really don't want to be in.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Honestly? You're best placed getting a professional to help you. ASD is one of those things where one can easily associate with the descriptions, especially some of the looser definitions. But clearly this is something that's troubling you, so maybe ask your doc what you might do? This could be many things. High levels of stress can make it difficult to attend to the minutiae of social interactions, for instance.

I can give my experience of socialising, but it's only one person in a big spectrum of people. For me, there's nothing social. I like the presence of people, it feels safe, cosy, gezellig (great Dutch word). But I have nothing for them and want nothing of them. Unless I get onto a topic I enjoy (and you'll know if that happens) it's all mechanical. I like to hear genuine news and facts, but there's no bond there for me. Don't get me wrong, I like people, I love people, but conversation brings nothing. I have no interest in the people stuff, just the facts, and definitely the ideas.

Thank you for your advice. I have already asked a mental health professional about this. However, in the past, I never linked it to possible autism (or at least some amount of neurodiversity). I only said that being with people exhausts me and that I'm introverted.
I have much more reasons to believe that I might be on the spectrum than this thing. However, this is the thing that I struggle most with in daily life.
The advice I got from her wasn't really helpful or appliable in daily life - it involved getting so much alone time that I wouldn't have been able to have any kind of social life at all anymore. I feel like I need to change my way of interacting with people altogether, at least with the people who are close to me, because my current way of doing it doesn't seem to be working out for me. I have one friend whom I went to language camps and stuff with when I was younger, and we had this habit of just reading or putting headphones on when we were together without the other one being offended. It was completely normal and acceptable. I barely ever had any meltdowns with her.
Of course, my meltdowns are more frequent when I'm stressed due to other reasons. But they also happen when I'm calm and happy, after too much social time. Also, I've experienced them for as long as I can remember. It was always part of me. I don't know what else it could be, to be honest...

 

[Rodafina]

@AuroraBorealis
The patterns you describe sound like they align with those of us who have experienced social burnout, shut down, and meltdowns.

I think unfortunately there is only one answer and that is: adapt. Based on the way you describe these patterns, your understanding of what is going on seems pretty thorough. Understanding is the first step and then we must adapt.

Many of us grow up with a set of expectations for ourselves and have accepted expectations from others that simply must change. If I’m not mistaken, I’ve noticed that as many of us get older, our tolerance for pushing past our social limits gets lower and lower for various reasons. Even though we look at our lives and say “nothing can change…” that isn’t true. There is often room for changes large or small that can support time and space to recharge and rebalance ourselves.

In my experience, there is no fighting it - there is only yielding to it and learning to adapt. For some, it is helpful to accept the idea that we will need to operate differently than those who do not have the same social challenges. As you learn more about autism, you can use the new knowledge to guide hopeful changes to your life.

 

[Aspychata]

There are great posts here. I guess l tolerate less since l have gotten older. Or l have better boundaries,and one of my boundaries is l don't have to tell anybody WHY l have these boundaries.

 

[Suzanne]

I like the idea of being around people, but tend to get ignored a lot and that leaves me feeling drained and very emotional too.

 

[Progster]

Yes, it happens to me. I find some reason to leave - I go for a walk, to to a room on my own, go to the bathroom, go home early, go for some fresh air. And when I know that I can do this, it seems to help.

When I was a kid, after school I went straight to the bathroom to soak in the bathtube for an hour with a good book. Always. Christmas was always a time for meltdowns - I reckon Boxing Day should be renamed Meltdown Day.

 

[Xinyta]

I get what you are going through. Though I never have burned through my capacity for socail situations like you have. And I too am trying my best to catch myself when I am on the verge.

I agree with Rodafina's sentiment about adapting. I personally need alot of help keeping myself in check and my Uncle has helped note times when I start changing in behavior. I wonder if you would want to do that yourself. Have someone you trust help take note of sudden changes and give you an idea of what to look for.

 

[vergil96]

It's really worrying me... Also because in the future I want to work as a doctor, and I noticed during interships that when I worked all day around people, I come home and basically need to recharge straight away. There's not much social capacity left for my partner or friends, which I'm very sorry for. But the alternative would be to completely change fields and choose one where I can work from home, and I don't really want that...

My family members prefer specializations where they spend most time doing surgeries. Pharmaceutical companies are an option too.

I am the only person I know to experience these kind of acute meltdowns if I can't be alone when I need to. Do some of you do too? And how do you deal with it?

Yes. I just try to avoid being overloaded... it's not always possible, but it certainly helps to identify and remove environmental stressors. 4 up to 6 hours is my total max when it comes to interactions with others, I don't become irritable from them, but I run out of mental energy to talk and interact. The way you describe it makes me think that it's not only being worn out that makes you have a meltdown, although fatigue plays a role in them in the way that if you're tired it's easier to react in an irrational manner and be taken over by some stressful thought that you don't have the capacity to repress or calm down any more. But there has to be something stressful that triggers you or a few stressful things.

Personally, I have noticed that what makes me feel snappy is constant exposure to noise, intense smells or stuffy air, crowd (people bump into me or touch me), more rarely annoying or flashing lighting, hunger, dehydration, having to go to the toilet... also not taking breaks when I need to. To sum up, sensory sources of stress/irritation pile up and result in panic attacks or lashing out. Awareness about these things resulted in making a few changes:
- I don't go to the shopping mall or walk next to the main busy streets as frequently and that alone has made a large impact
- I started to take breaks during classes (they last 1.5 hour): leave, go get a drink, eat a snack (I have to take those from home - I have many problems with food) or go to the toilet
- addressing sensory problems: opening windows, noise-cancelling headphones and ear plugs

There are also emotional components to meltdowns such as stressful situations, time pressure, perfectionism, feeling nervous about interacting with others - you can insert your own reasons. For me, those have diminished with age. However, they're not always impossible to eliminate.

P.S.: I have it mainly when I am supposed to interact with people. When I am just in the company of a person but able to put my headphones on, read or work on something, it almost never happens. Neither with animals. I feel like it's more the necessity to talk and interact myself, rather than the simple physical presence of other people.

I can relate to that. I even like to be around other people, but to not talk with them, when I'm tired. I guess I don't feel like I necessarily have to talk with others when they're around or respond with more than a nod or "aha".

and we had this habit of just reading or putting headphones on when we were together without the other one being offended. It was completely normal and acceptable. I barely ever had any meltdowns with her.

That's a perfectly okay way to be together. I want to emphasize that if this isn't acceptable in your environment, it's just how the people around you view interactions with others, to me it seems perfectly normal to hang out together this way, I have done that a lot and do, and I've never encountered the notion that it's abnormal, wrong and not expected. It doesn't have to be this way that you are expected to talk with someone who you are with or that you have to "put on an act" to make it known you're interested in the conversation (I'm often told I don't make the impression like I'm listening at all let alone being interested, while in reality I'm interested, so I have to deliberately "act interested" in order to not make that impression).

If I’m not mistaken, I’ve noticed that as many of us get older, our tolerance for pushing past our social limits gets lower and lower for various reasons.

More responsibilities...

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Hi, I have a question about a specific thing that I experience (and always have, also when I was a child) and that I struggle the most with. Now, I don't know if that's an autism thing, an introversion thing or just a me-thing.

I honestly like being with people, but my social battery tends to go empty very suddenly and very quickly. Like, one minute I'm fine, and the next I notice this tension building up, me getting more and more stressed and closer to tears, until I feel that I need to either be alone RIGHT now or instead I burst into tears and/or start shouting (and don't feel better afterwards, either).
Of course, this happens more often when I'm stressed anyway, or when I've had a few social days. For example, it happened today: A friend stayed over, yesterday evening I was still completely fine and enjoying myself, and this morning I already woke up feeling tense, and at some point in the kitchen I decompensated, begging my partner and our friend to please leave the room because I need to be alone for a few minutes, then when I was alone I cried and almost hyperventilated for a few minutes. Clearly it had been way too late and what I like to call "rescue-alone-time", which means a very limited amount of alone time that allows me to get through the rest of the social time without decompensating. I usually do that on family holidays or get-togethers with friends where I stay for more than a few hours. Clearly, that's not ideal - but it's just not socially accepted for me to just leave for at least an hour in between to watch a series, read or put my headphones on (the things I usually do to recharge).

Now, this happens with variable frequency. If I'm already stressed in general, it might happen daily, or every 2 days. If I get plenty of alone time, like right now where I'm studying for an exam and am home alone every day until my partner gets home around 4-5 PM, it almost never happens. Just today, because of what I explained.

I don't really see early warning signs. Maybe today, I noticed for the first time that a short while before decompensating, I started singing/humming to myself, maybe already to tune out the others talking and to pretend to get into my mental alone-zone - or at least into my substitute alone-zone for emergencies. I don't do that each time, though. It's really difficult for me to foresee these moments early enough to prevent a total decompensation.

It's really worrying me... Also because in the future I want to work as a doctor, and I noticed during interships that when I worked all day around people, I come home and basically need to recharge straight away. There's not much social capacity left for my partner or friends, which I'm very sorry for. But the alternative would be to completely change fields and choose one where I can work from home, and I don't really want that...

On the rare occasions when I tell my family about this, they basically tell me to buckle up and not be so sensitive, and that everyone needs to be able to be around people. My friend implied that I just don't want to show people when I feel bad. But that's really not it. In these situations, the only reason I feel bad is because there are people around, worse if they want to talk to me. I just need to be alone. As soon as I'm alone, I feel completely fine and calm. I just feel like no one gets it. I am the only person I know to experience these kind of acute meltdowns if I can't be alone when I need to. Do some of you do too? And how do you deal with it?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long text.

This is tough for me too in terms of my level if functioning may not match my dreams but I have learnt to accept that, that I can just have dreams in my head and be happy anyway.
If your plans to be a doctor do jot work out, you could always chose something else
But I hope you persist to see what happens, at times I have dreamt if being a doctor as well but there are many reasons including the study as to why that may be too hard for me especially too since my passions are creative like art.
I am the same way with people very friendly and love being with people at times but at others I wish they would disappear off the face of the earth and hate being trying to be like-minded.
I get burnt out fast too and I am not sure I would love parties because I love parties by myself.
So I am already burnt out but I still feel like with my burn out, I tire even faster.
I have days where I am like get lost people and days where I get lonely.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I want to thank you all very much for your answers. I don't reply to them all, but I read them all and each one does give me insight and helps me in some way.

My family members prefer specializations where they spend most time doing surgeries. Pharmaceutical companies are an option too.

That's true. The thing is, my times in surgery were physically so hard, that I couldn't imagine doing that for a living (although I really liked it in surgery). Also, the general hyper-ambitious attitude, pressure, constant overtime, no-one ever having lunch or taking a break, wouldn't be for me, I'm afraid.
"Unfortunately", I just love child and adolescent psychiatry, and I'm actually good at it. It just takes up so much social energy... I don't notice it while I'm at work because I'm so focused on it, but as soon as I get home I notice how worn out I am. I seem to find it easier at work because I know exactly what role I'm supposed to play. It's much harder in private surroundings. I'll just have to try it out and see, I guess...

There are also emotional components to meltdowns such as stressful situations, time pressure, perfectionism, feeling nervous about interacting with others - you can insert your own reasons.

That's true. I feel like I perfected my social skills over time so much that they seem to come natural. However, I notice that social interactions where I don't have to put so much effort in (like not having to talk, not having to smile, not having to look at people's faces the whole time, being able to tune out or even to read while still be accepted) are much less exhausting to me, and I feel a lot calmer, happier and myself. However, I grew up in a household where politeness and social skills were very important to everyone. My family gossiped about other family members who were "unpolite", and being too quiet was considered rude and inappropriate (like, "Talk a bit, are we boring you? Spend some time with your family!"). Nowadays, they're more accepting of me, but still say stuff like that sometimes.

That's a perfectly okay way to be together. I want to emphasize that if this isn't acceptable in your environment, it's just how the people around you view interactions with others, to me it seems perfectly normal to hang out together this way, I have done that a lot and do, and I've never encountered the notion that it's abnormal, wrong and not expected. It doesn't have to be this way that you are expected to talk with someone who you are with or that you have to "put on an act" to make it known you're interested in the conversation (I'm often told I don't make the impression like I'm listening at all let alone being interested, while in reality I'm interested, so I have to deliberately "act interested" in order to not make that impression).

That's actually a good point you make. I think that's a perfectly okay way to be together, too, and I did have friends who thought so too, growing up. However, my current friends (not my partner, thank god) don't seem to think so. When we're meeting up, we're talking all the time to catch up. I can do that for a few hours, but not longer, and certainly not for a whole day, let alone over night. But they seem to expect it and take anything else personally, even though they say they understand me. Also, I don't have many friends who actually live where I do. My current best friend says she understands when I tell her I need time alone, and she certainly tries to understand it, but fact is, she just doesn't. Even getting that last-minute alone-time for only 5 minutes before melting down was a problem for her that she wanted to discuss afterwards, to discuss "what just happened". Guess what - I happened. This is me and this happens to me on a regular basis if I'm overwhelmed. Sorry if you just always ignored my wish to be alone and keep talking when I say I want to read for a bit and just got kicked out a bit unfriendly (sorry for ranting. I didn't realize how much it actually upset me).

I thought about getting an autism assessment, in the hopes that it helps me accept this thing of me more and therefore also finding it easier to stand up for my needs. I'm not sure yet though. My partner says I should accept it with or without a diagnosis, and that's certainly true, but it's just so hard. I feel so stupid, like it's a weakness I have to hide from others as best as I can because it's rude and I shouldn't act so childish. (Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone, I'm just mad at myself). I contacted a therapist who does autism assessments in adults but who also does regular therapy, telling her about this problem. Maybe she can help me to find better ways to adapt. Clearly right now I don't.

 

[vergil96]

The thing is, my times in surgery were physically so hard, that I couldn't imagine doing that for a living

Yeah, it is...

There is possibility to do surgeries as a dermatologist or ophthalmologist too. Perhaps there are other specializations I haven't heard of that don't require as much physical strength and surgeries last shorter... If you can tolerate it emotionally, of course, it's more disgusting and stressful in terms of patient's safety than just seeing patients. And yeah I have to admit that the field is full of "tough guys" who look down on taking breaks and aren't easily affected by stress, aren't the most empathetic. I always liked the idea of doing radiology if I decided to become a doctor, because I just like the topic of medical imaging and I like machines and physics.

"Unfortunately", I just love child and adolescent psychiatry, and I'm actually good at it. It just takes up so much social energy... I don't notice it while I'm at work because I'm so focused on it, but as soon as I get home I notice how worn out I am. I seem to find it easier at work because I know exactly what role I'm supposed to play. It's much harder in private surroundings. I'll just have to try it out and see, I guess...

I'd give it a go if you like psychiatry. Maybe you'll get used to seeing patients and will find it less tiring with time once you figure everything out and get used to it.

However, I grew up in a household where politeness and social skills were very important to everyone. My family gossiped about other family members who were "unpolite", and being too quiet was considered rude and inappropriate (like, "Talk a bit, are we boring you? Spend some time with your family!"). Nowadays, they're more accepting of me, but still say stuff like that sometimes.

I know what you mean. Lots of "good" upbringing. I'm sorry you had to experience so much misunderstanding and judgement.

I can do that for a few hours, but not longer, and certainly not for a whole day, let alone over night.

Same, 6 hours is the absolute max for me. I just leave at the point of 6 hours after gradually becoming more silent, and I prefer around 3 hours to see each other. Your friends seem very extroverted tbh.

But they seem to expect it and take anything else personally, even though they say they understand me

Meh

(sorry for ranting. I didn't realize how much it actually upset me).

No problem

Even getting that last-minute alone-time for only 5 minutes before melting down was a problem for her that she wanted to discuss afterwards, to discuss "what just happened". Guess what - I happened. This is me and this happens to me on a regular basis if I'm overwhelmed.

Have you tried to talk about these situations with her in advance? It can be impossible to communicate during or just before a meltdown.

I feel so stupid, like it's a weakness I have to hide from others as best as I can because it's rude and I shouldn't act so childish.

It sounds like lots of "good upbringing" to the point that you're not allowed to assert your needs and set boundaries with others. It sounds like people around you call something "rude" if you are being your own person and don't do what they want you to do (they don't like it hence "rude" and other negative adjectives). It just sounds like it to me...

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Have you tried to talk about these situations with her in advance? It can be impossible to communicate during or just before a meltdown.

Yes, I actually have, several times. What I still struggle with, though, is telling people while I'm meeting them that I need a break now, while I still feel okay. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed for it and afraid that people will be mad that I usually wait until I've reached my breaking point. And yes, you're completely right, at that point it becomes impossible to communicate adequately.

It sounds like lots of "good upbringing" to the point that you're not allowed to assert your needs and set boundaries with others. It sounds like people around you call something "rude" if you are being your own person and don't do what they want you to do (they don't like it hence "rude" and other negative adjectives). It just sounds like it to me...

Yes, I struggle with that quite a lot. I just didn't realize until now how much of a problem it actually is.

I've made a few notes on what I would like to tell my partner's family when they come stay with us for a month over Christmas, since that's also something I'm quite nervous about. I'm expecting several, if not many, meltdowns on my part. Now, the wishes I'd have include (of course, nicer phrased):
- If they see me reading, leave me be, don't talk to me, even if we're in the same room
- If I'm wearing headphones, don't talk to me unless I take them off first
- If I want to go for a walk and I want to be alone, don't tag along
- If we're all in conversation and I'm not talking and not smiling much, I'm not unhappy, I'm just listening quietly, so don't ask me constantly what's wrong
- If I seem irritable, snappy, on the verge of tears, smile less or talk less, chances are about 98% that I'm just oversocialized and need a break. Please don't ask me what's wrong but just suggest I take a break now.

I'd like to let them know this per e-mail before they come. But I'm just SO ashamed and scared that they will think I'm rude. I couldn't even ask my own family these things, because I've been taught that wearing headphones while being in company is so incredibly rude even a kid with some self-respect shouldn't do it, let alone an adult. My partner's family is more understanding with these things, plus they love me and consider me their own child. Still, I'm not sure if I'll dare to do that...

 

[vergil96]

What I still struggle with, though, is telling people while I'm meeting them that I need a break now, while I still feel okay. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed for it and afraid that people will be mad that I usually wait until I've reached my breaking point. And yes, you're completely right, at that point it becomes impossible to communicate adequately.

I also struggle with it, it's hard.

I meant more... that on the beginning of the meeting you would say something like "Hey, I need to talk about something / I need you to know something, because it's important for me: I find it tiring to be with people and sometimes I get so tired that I might need to leave immediately, it doesn't mean I'm mad at you" or it's up to you how you want to explain it. It's important to tell others why you needed to leave approximately afterwards or warn them beforehand. It makes them feel more like they can help and can be with you when you're having a hard time. While I feel like it's untrue in your case, it feels like you're trying to be extremely considerate of others, to the point of neglecting of your own needs, it might make someone feel like you're hiding things from them and having secrets, like you distrust them, if you don't tell them what happened or don't get them otherwise involved, don't offer instructions how they can help etc. They might not be able to fully understand, but it makes other people feel like they matter to you.

I've made a few notes on what I would like to tell my partner's family when they come stay with us for a month over Christmas, since that's also something I'm quite nervous about. I'm expecting several, if not many, meltdowns on my part. Now, the wishes I'd have include (of course, nicer phrased):
- If they see me reading, leave me be, don't talk to me, even if we're in the same room
- If I'm wearing headphones, don't talk to me unless I take them off first
- If I want to go for a walk and I want to be alone, don't tag along
- If we're all in conversation and I'm not talking and not smiling much, I'm not unhappy, I'm just listening quietly, so don't ask me constantly what's wrong
- If I seem irritable, snappy, on the verge of tears, smile less or talk less, chances are about 98% that I'm just oversocialized and need a break. Please don't ask me what's wrong but just suggest I take a break now.

That seems like a good idea to explain this to your partner. And it's very clear and effective setting of boundaries imo.

I'd like to let them know this per e-mail before they come. But I'm just SO ashamed and scared that they will think I'm rude. I couldn't even ask my own family these things, because I've been taught that wearing headphones while being in company is so incredibly rude even a kid with some self-respect shouldn't do it, let alone an adult. My partner's family is more understanding with these things, plus they love me and consider me their own child. Still, I'm not sure if I'll dare to do that...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. What you're asking for seems reasonable to me, your expectations are clear. I know what you mean about certain needs being considered rude, like the need to leave or take a break, I also struggle with that. I have lots of problems with food, that becomes a problem when visiting someone or going out with other people... There are a number of things I don't want to do that most people seem to enjoy and I find them awful to the point I can't tolerate them, like stuffy air or hugging.

 

[tree]

Hi, I have a question about a specific thing that I experience (and always have, also when I was a child) and that I struggle the most with...

I honestly like being with people, but my social battery tends to go empty very suddenly and very quickly. Like, one minute I'm fine, and the next I notice this tension building up, me getting more and more stressed and closer to tears...

https://www.self.com/story/social-exhaustion-recovery-tips?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us

 

[Misty Avich]

Due to being hard of hearing I don't socialise well, but I do like socialising even though I can be shy especially when around loud people. Shyness has always been a setback for me but that doesn't make me dislike social gatherings. It just makes them boring if I'm there too long, as I start getting restless. Due to ADHD my mind moves faster than my body so I'm hardly enjoying the moment. My husband is an introvert NT and isn't keen on socialising but does make an effort to show his face. I like to make the effort too, as being around people does me good. But I'm more of a "speak when directly spoken to only" sort of person (except when I'm around my own family, then I just talk whenever).
But when I'm socialising around people who aren't family, if I speak when not directly spoken to, I just end up saying these random quips as a reaction to my environment, which are OK and usually socially acceptable, but sometimes I can get carried away and then speak at the wrong time, making me feel stupid or worry about looking stupid, like a social faux pas. So I just admit to being shy unless spoken directly to, because as an adult I have learnt that it's OK to be shy and quiet, as long as you're friendly and approachable.

As for the social battery thing, I don't really have problems with this. Organising and thinking logically can wear me out, but not socialising as such, as that doesn't take up much logical thinking.
When I was younger (in my early 20s) I went through this phase of becoming easily irritated when socialising with family, even though I'm close to my family and being with them has never been an effort. But I just suddenly couldn't be bothered to keep being smiley and happy all the time, so suddenly my mood would randomly drop and any little thing would just agitate me, resulting in me yelling at my family and just behaving perverse and sulky. I don't know why I got like that. I wasn't like it as a child and I'm not like it now.