Meltdowns?? Or am I just a horrible person

[simplysteffe]

Hi.
I'm 37 years old was diagnosed with ADHD 1.5 years ago. Since being treated I have now been referred for an autism assessment which I am still awaiting.
I guess I'm looking for some support with meltdowns. I just had terrible one.
Most of my melt downs are when plans get changed. So this one was caused by my ex changing childcare arrangements last minute and saying he was dropping them back in 30 mins instead in 2 days time.

I have just been away with the children for 7 nights on holiday and I am extremely burnt out and over stimulated. I have stayed at home in my room for the last 48 hours to try and avoid a meltdown/ curb the burnout.
The melt downs I have are me screaming at people, crying, shouting, slamming doors, saying out loud in front of my eldest son, horrible things, like I don't want to be here anymore. Etc etc.

It's like I cannot control myself.
Is this a melt down. Or am I just a really bad person.
I then shut myself off and calm down, and then I feel so awful. I feel so guilty for how I acted. I know very well I shouldn't act like that. But for some reason in that 5-15 minute time frame I cannot stop.

I am feeling very very alone right now and trying my hardest to navigate this all. Thanks if you even got to the end of this thread
Steff
As I don't have an official diagnosis.

 

[Xinyta]

Hi, @simplysteffe

Glad to have you with us on here~

All of us have been in your position, in more than one way. Late diagnosis is actually not as uncommon as you may think and the fact you are getting assessed is great for you and everyone around you. Not that being diagnosed is absolutely necessary. But it does present piece of mind and much needed journey to understanding how you can apply who you are to the world.

I honestly do believe that your outbursts are spectrum related. Changing of plans, changing location of objects, lost objects, etc. All these thing can cause someone on the Spectrum to panic and overreact. But it isn't because you are a horrible person. It's because we, unlike NTs, can't handle sudden change without time to process any of it. In some cases, mentally preparing yourself for sudden changes can help minimize shut downs and overreactions.

If you try to continually mask your Autism, that is normally alot of the reason for Autistic Burnout.

The longer you try to interact, while masking more than not. The more time you'll need to recharge.

Alot of the trick to handling this is accepting the fact we are on the spectrum. Take time to understand and sit with our emotions. And try to communicate that we are not in the best state of mind when on the verge of meltdown.

There is little we can control in this world outside our own emotions, and how we chose to respond and approach things that come our way.

But in all this, you ARE NOT alone.

 

[Tom]

No not a terrible person. But not in the level of self control you would like. Best suggestion I can come up with is to seek professional help (pyschologist, therapist, etc - with autism experience) and possibly pyschiatrist for medication assist. Medications are tricky but can really be of assistance in bringing intensity levels down to more manageable proportions.

 

[Tom]

Oh and welcome! And here is my customary (lately) silly old monster pic.

 

[tazz]

Welcome.

That sounds very much like the meltdowns I have. Professionals I've consulted have linked them to ASC and related depression.

In my case, I have a deep instinct for order and routine. When things are out of place or don't happen in the usual way, I find it uncomfortable and distressing. I also find social interaction difficult and draining. I don't tend to notice it happening (although I'm getting better at it since I was diagnosed and getting advice, including from members of this forum). So the discomfort, distress and exhaustion build up. And then seemingly out of nowhere I have this meltdown where I shout, swear, and sometimes break things. At the time it is not controllable. The only way I've found to control it is to notice myself becoming distressed much earlier and take measures to avoid reaching the meltdown - isolation, familiar routines/food/sounds. Of course sometimes it's not possible to take the necessary measures for practical reasons so I'm not always successful.

I also feel very guilty afterwards. But lately I'm starting to accept that it's not because I'm a bad person. Diagnosis definitely helped in that regard.

 

[TBRS1]

That's would be a good description of one on my meltdowns.

I know I'm not a bad person, but I also know I can sometimes act like one. This was what got me in to see a doctor. Now, I'm not often like that any more.

The suggestion Tazz gave would also be my suggestion.

For me, it was worst with untreated depression.

 

[simplysteffe]

Morning, thanks for all your replies. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I have been like this for as long as I can remember. It's exhausting.

I have areas of life where I have been learning to unmask since my ADHD diagnosis, but the holiday definitely wasn't one of those places.

I feel like my bucket gets so full with life stresses so quickly that one thing that seems so small can tip me over the edge, that other people could just manage, but I cannot.
I have been trying to notice when I feel these emotions build up and sometimes I can foresee it and put measures into place like cold water on my wrists, going to a safe place. But others like yesterday the emotion ran up through me sooooo hugely it felt.like I had been set in fire. I'm not always angry lots of the time it's just tears and words but this time was anger and breaking things.

Do you think that anger management could help?

Another thing I thought I would mention is I am on atomoxitine (for my ADHD) could tis be contributing and making my melt downs worse?

I have got up for work this morning but I feel unwell, so I have come back to bed Nd called in sick for the day. Normally I would never do this I would plow on and become even more over stimulated there again. This time I'm listening to my brain.

Thanks again for your support x

 

[Progster]

I have frustration meltdowns too, and I just have to avoid triggers. I'm also on antidepressants at the moment - they act as mood stabilizers and I now only have the occasional meltdown.

 

[Rodafina]

You are not a horrible person, but it certainly sounds like you would not like the behavior you described to continue. Having meltdowns in front of your own children is nothing to be ashamed of, but it might be important for you to eventually explain to them what has been happening.

Overall management of emotions and build up to a meltdown would be important, but in the meantime, if it all possible, it may be a good idea to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you feel one coming on.

On a hopeful note, it sounds like many people here have had a decrease in meltdowns over the span of their lives. From my part, as soon as I joined this forum and began to learn exactly what meltdowns were and so many different things about autism, they have almost gone away. I just didn’t know what was happening before, but as soon as I was given the tools to understand, I have been able to recognize the warning signs of withdrawal, burn out, and shut down. I’ve been able to learn my triggers and be mindful of what is happening in my brain.

I hope that you are able to get the same kind of support and understanding here and that you experience this sort of thing much less often.

 

[Xinyta]

But others like yesterday the emotion ran up through me sooooo hugely it felt.like I had been set in fire. I'm not always angry lots of the time it's just tears and words but this time was anger and breaking things.

Do you think that anger management could help?

Another thing I thought I would mention is I am on atomoxitine (for my ADHD) could tis be contributing and making my melt downs worse?

Atomoxitine- Use & Symptoms

This is what I found on it, though more digging would be beneficial.

But from what I just read. Sudden irritatabity and agitation, amongst other things, can happen while on this medication. Which does make me think that your suspicions with the medication making your meltdowns worse, is quite warranted.

This is the tricky part about all this. You don't know what medication does to you till you take it and many people react differently to medications like this. Though if you feel like your medication is a hindrance to your overall well being, you can talk to your doctor about trying another ADHD medication.

Though it's your choice in the end with what you want to do.

But I should ask: When did you start taking this medication?

 

[tazz]

Do you think that anger management could help?

I don't know. But I have received therapy for depression and discovered that a lot of the research that the therapies are based on doesn't take autism into account. In fact, a lot of research projects specifically screen out people with autism and other co-existing conditions in order to ensure they don't confuse the results. In my case, my psychologist (who was a specialist in depression not autism) sought input from a separate team who specialise in autism and together they worked out an approach for the depression. So I would just be careful to ensure that whoever provides the therapy for anger adapts their approach to take autism into account.

I've been thinking about anger therapy myself but from what I have read so far I don't think the standard approaches to anger management are appropriate. Compassion Focused Therapy, for example, addresses anger and depression, but seems to make some assumptions about the way anger manifests that did not fit my meltdown experience. Maybe there are some similarities, but I definitely feel like I'd want my therapist to have specialist knowledge of autism and anger, not just anger.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Hi.
I'm 37 years old was diagnosed with ADHD 1.5 years ago. Since being treated I have now been referred for an autism assessment which I am still awaiting.
I guess I'm looking for some support with meltdowns. I just had terrible one.
Most of my melt downs are when plans get changed. So this one was caused by my ex changing childcare arrangements last minute and saying he was dropping them back in 30 mins instead in 2 days time.

I have just been away with the children for 7 nights on holiday and I am extremely burnt out and over stimulated. I have stayed at home in my room for the last 48 hours to try and avoid a meltdown/ curb the burnout.
The melt downs I have are me screaming at people, crying, shouting, slamming doors, saying out loud in front of my eldest son, horrible things, like I don't want to be here anymore. Etc etc.

It's like I cannot control myself.
Is this a melt down. Or am I just a really bad person.
I then shut myself off and calm down, and then I feel so awful. I feel so guilty for how I acted. I know very well I shouldn't act like that. But for some reason in that 5-15 minute time frame I cannot stop.

I am feeling very very alone right now and trying my hardest to navigate this all. Thanks if you even got to the end of this thread
Steff
As I don't have an official diagnosis.

I have violent meltdowns and u know why because I am confused and hurt and do not know how things in my life are good or going to work out well
Because I am traumatised and angry at God
Because I am attracted to unavailable people I do not know but just want to be happy but seems to b a sexuality battle where I am avoiding commitment because it seems unexciting and boring and do not want to give up single life or be chained
And noone understand s I just want to be happy

So I just wreck everything, most of all myself.
Because I do not want people to hurt me anymore and if I accidentally hurt them, forgive me
Because I do my best and I know some stuff I think and feel is really wrong but
It does not mean I really want that
Amr I do nor understand why I have to suffer for it
I am sick of people hurting me
And I do not like to hurt people back and try to get rid of the pain and problem and it is still there and really really hurts me
So I meltdown because i just want a good life and for it all to be good and I am frustrated because I am sick of being hurt in the worse ways imaginable
Trauma related meltdowns are often the worse and hard to control
And I am sick of the rubbish and just want the best, some stuff is really hard for my mind