Mental Anguish

[weazelbeast]

Hello Everyone

I am new to the site so not sure where to put this. I am 40 years old but not in a very good place. I have spent most of my life in an anxiety driven state, education and work pretty much a no no.

I have never done well in day to day living and often feel very much like I have never put in the proper effort. I always thought being me was ok even if i didn't work and just focused on loving the people around me. It's driving me nuts that my assumptions are most likely wrong and all I am left with is that i am a reliant idiot that thought it was ok to be as he was.

It would seem however I was born, developed and became is fundamentally wrong and I find myself absolutely petrified with fear of both who I am, what i've done and in a state that i truly think I am either insane or that I have completely ruined myself because of the fears of getting it all wrong, it really feels like a monumental paradigm shift in my head.

It all started with leaving school at 14 through anxiety and since then things just didn't click in my head and I have never seemingly matured or know how.

thank you for reading, I hope you are all well.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I think a lot of us struggle with day to day responsibilities, especially in adulthood. Chronic anxiety seems to be common with people who are neurodiverse. I started getting anxiety around a similar age to you, although I had been hit with several strong bouts in my pre-teen years as well.

There's plenty of articles, books and material out there regarding autism etc. How much it helps I guess is down to us. Can we truly change our beliefs and expectations? Can we let go of the things that drive our anxieties? It's hard. A recent relationship of mine ended due to my anxiety and co-morbidity. The same fears/worries that I've had in every single relationship since 18 years ago. Ahh well.

This here is a lovely place. Inviting and friendly. You'll fit right in I'm sure. And if you're happy to share or overshare, you'll find sound advice.

Ed

 

[weazelbeast]

I keep getting told I have been a good dad etc. Truth is i always liked to live indoors, never much of an outsie person and I feel forced. I was content enough to be a house husband but since being declared autistic it's really thrown my whole life and mental state into flux. I try not to think I suffer from self pity syndrome but it feels like it. I will never understand why I am so over anxious but I also know I don't operate like other people, I don't think remotely as fast or in the same way, I was always never able to take part in conversations without feeling like I was just butting in, almost like the words had no meaning.

It feels like my entire personality has collapsed and in it's wake this needy little boy who is terrified to push but the reality it puts on others. My wife works but I feel powerless, it's like life needs to be just so for me, and I thought thats how it was for lots of people.

I hope I can be of help to other people too.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Is it outdoors in general? Or places with a lot of people, or visually or audibly crowded? Those sorts of places have me reaching for my noise cancelling headphones and music. Then I can navigate better. Sometimes have to dumb down a few senses. Music distraction and watching my feet as I walk to give myself tunnel vision away from crowds.

Out in nature is good I find. Especially near water. Although being in the water unnerves me, especially outside of a pool.

Self pity is another part of the inner critic, same with the relentless anxiety and "what if's" we seem to conjure up. But you can think yourself into a hole that's hard to get out of sometimes.

A good quote from a Marc Maron standup: "The monster I created to protect the kid inside is hard to deal with."

What aspects of the diagnosis hit home hardest? Autism colours every part of our existence; especially how we think and perceive the world. Routines can be extremely important and indeed, comforting. But we have to open ourselves up if we want to see change, and that isn't easy.

Change is scary, as is the unknown. But often it's because we hit ourselves with an avalanche of anxiety and what if's which can have us cancelling plans, or avoiding things entirely. But that only further entrenches us in our own world, rather than experiencing the one around us.

Ed

 

[weazelbeast]

Is it outdoors in general? Or places with a lot of people, or visually or audibly crowded? Those sorts of places have me reaching for my noise cancelling headphones and music. Then I can navigate better. Sometimes have to dumb down a few senses. Music distraction and watching my feet as I walk to give myself tunnel vision away from crowds.

Out in nature is good I find. Especially near water. Although being in the water unnerves me, especially outside of a pool.

Self pity is another part of the inner critic, same with the relentless anxiety and "what if's" we seem to conjure up. But you can think yourself into a hole that's hard to get out of sometimes.

A good quote from a Marc Maron standup: "The monster I created to protect the kid inside is hard to deal with."

What aspects of the diagnosis hit home hardest? Autism colours every part of our existence; especially how we think and perceive the world. Routines can be extremely important and indeed, comforting. But we have to open ourselves up if we want to see change, and that isn't easy.

Change is scary, as is the unknown. But often it's because we hit ourselves with an avalanche of anxiety and what if's which can have us cancelling plans, or avoiding things entirely. But that only further entrenches us in our own world, rather than experiencing the one around us.

Ed

Ive lived mostly on a computer. With things taken care of I didn't think I was doing all that much wrong. Since my wife started working It has hit me extremely hard that I have avoided the world for nigh on 20 years, and with it missed a hell of alot of lessons along the way, I feel like a 40 year old kid. I am paralysed by the fact ive hardly done a thing in that entire time, yes i am married, raised a kid but never payed bills, worked a job, just became a person who thought things were ok.

Now I find myself wondering if any of it, including autism and it's effects are true to me....yes I have always been shy, unable to act or be like other people instinctively, but i never realised i was heading into a death trap of adulthood and I feel like I have survived on pity and things. I truly feel like i have lived a life I was not allowed too and I am always looking over my shoulder the entire time, I don't know who I really am.

Your quote makes sense, as it often feels like I am trapped behind glass and truly feel alienated and worse, that while other people struggle to survive, I have gone the easy route, and I don't know how to deal with that reality, to the point I have been suicidal.

As far as diagnosis goes, I know I was having extreme issues with the idea of work, I was volunteering and that was ok enough, but the reality of other things in life, it just felt like a never ending upward battle I was never going to win, that I was never going to achieve, and volunteering allowed me a certain freedom that work would not. The diagnosis hit me because while i was sure I had traits I didn't know how much of an impact the reality would have on my being. I saw it as a possibility to withdraw and that be ok, to not have to do what truly terrified me, but now i see as being a child, and it hurts so much, I have been a loving father, but one that never provided, it's like trying to have the world my way when it can never be so, like having the very essence of who I am ripped from me but is that childishness, selfishness or both.

I am having very bad mental shifts where it feels like my entire mindset is made up, crafted from nothing other than self survival, and my mind refuses flat out to accept that for over 25 years my mind can have been wrong, and i could indeed just be a workshy not for me person. While i can turn around and say I have suffered anxiety as far back as i can remember, it's like im a big fake with zero responsibility most of his life, other than keeping an eye on things, no forward motion really, I don't even know how I would deal with most daily real world and ND lived lives.

It truly feels like part of me is dying and i dont know who the other person is, other than if all this comes to pass I am one seriously damaged, misguided and ill equipped man who is now also going blind. In other words I don't know if im a man child, a man, correct or not, it's what I would assume madness to be.

 

[Thinx]

It's worth remembering that we may tend to overthinking things. Like, you got by, you coped, but now you are second guessing yourself. You did your best at the time. If you want to change how you do things now, that's a possibility, but the past is the past. Be kind to the guy who had to cope, to yourself I mean, sounds like you did ok to me.

Also, when children get more independent or leave home, can be a time we are less immediately needed by them, and have time to consider our own needs more. What could you do that you'd like and enjoy? That would make you feel better. That would help you look after yourself, same as you have already parented your child.

 

[weazelbeast]

It's worth remembering that we may tend to overthinking things. Like, you got by, you coped, but now you are second guessing yourself. You did your best at the time. If you want to change how you do things now, that's a possibility, but the past is the past. Be kind to the guy who had to cope, to yourself I mean, sounds like you did ok to me.

Also, when children get more independent or leave home, can be a time we are less immediately needed by them, and have time to consider our own needs more. What could you do that you'd like and enjoy? That would make you feel better. That would help you look after yourself, same as you have already parented your child.

I was always partial to old retro gaming, ive never really done much else, maybe a little bit of gardening. My problem seems to be overwhelming anxiety, of even doing those small things.

I have never felt very capable in this life. I don't know how to deal with how i see things, and i keep getting told there is more to life than work. If i could do some house stuff and some gaming i would be fine, but is that a reasonable ask or am I just pie in the sky thinking?

 

[SusanLR]

It all started with leaving school at 14 through anxiety and since then things just didn't click in my head and I have never seemingly matured or know how.

Sounds like the story of my life and I'm now 65.
You must have matured more than I did to get married and have a child.
I never wanted anything but to live it my way and that meant living with my parents all my life.

I did get a career in pharmaceuticals, but it didn't last all that long until I was on
disability from back injury and panic attacks.
Never stopped to think how it would be if I lost my parents.
I found out in 2013 and it was a shock.

I don't feel bad about myself for living as I chose.
Afterall most of my life I had it my way even though I suffered from anxiety so bad
I didn't want to go out and do much either.

My therapist thinks they should have forced me out.
But I'm glad they didn't. I wouldn't have lasted this long if they had.
I know two others about my age that lived and felt the same.
Some of us just don't get past puberty.
Don't feel bad about yourself. It would have been nice not to suffer from
such anxiety. For some, this is life.

 

[weazelbeast]

Had i known my life would have been this id have not bothered. The entirity aeems to have been my way or no way. Nobody ever said different.

 

[weazelbeast]

For those of you trying your best well done. Some of us take the cake. Be well all