Mental Bomb

[Peace]

After a long history of unjustified attacks (due to misunderstanding) in my relationship, I loose my shield. Yesterday, my wife (who I have been trying to work things out with) brought one accusation fourth. In the middle of a nice conversation, she accused me of being judgmental of someone because she misunderstood an observation I made.
"BOOM"! The mental bomb went off, and as usual, it was a direct hit. Instantly my brain shut down. I completely lost my ability to think and to stay in conversation with her. My brain was incapable of hearing anything and also of processing any information. It was like in the movies when they portray a person who was near an explosion. Everything around you is silent, in slow motion and difficult to perceive.
After enduring this, I become wiped out. I am drained of any energy, tired, even sleepy, Exhausted! I usually cannot recover until I sleep.
Does this happen to any of you?

 

[King_Oni]

Oh... I have this. Not as much as I used to have, but I can relate to this in one way or another.

For me it's rarely in conversation with people, but whenever I hear something that I think will affect my functioning or personal life... In the past it was a lot of news in politics and how cutbacks and new rules would affect my finances and living situation. And while it's something everyone worries about; it's those times where I just totally black out mentally and keep processing and going over this information and I'm pretty much unavailable for anyone in terms of a conversation... for days.

With me however, sleep doesn't fix it. It's sometimes a process that takes 3 to 4 days to set me back on track again. It's also why for these things I really need someone else to look into these things and just tell me the outcome, rather than me hearing bits and pieces to make something out of it. It's why I've been in touch with a social worker the past few years, just to avoid this kind of stuff, because this actually stagnates anything I'm doing at the moment; either a personal project, or something that I need to do to move on in life.

 

[Wintertime]

Yes, very much. Within positive examples as well as negative. It can and does put me into shutdown. The chemical overload is simply overwhelming and I pity my synapses. I find a similar phenomenon occurs as Oni described- that having certain types of information relayed to me makes it easier. And also, if I am reflecting upon something as I usually do, I do it to myself, too, when I can see a perspective that I hadn't considered, such as seeing a different way that something I've said can come across, and how divergent it is from my intended interpretation, to the extent where it could be perceived as something hurtful or negligible when I meant it as something positive. It's quite shocking to me when this happens.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is that I fear I may cause these in others and I very much recoil at the thought. Much moreso than being on the receiving end. Especially over the past few weeks, when my life has had a lot of hardship and I have had reactions in response to it that I haven't been able to manage as well as I would have wanted. I kind of want to lock myself away till it's over and life is somewhat stable again. That's hardly realistic though.

*edit- interestingly enough, I did not have this or shutdowns happen with such frequency prior to recent history (past couple of months or so) but life got very strange and a bit brutal, one of those cycles that tends to happen, so I suppose it makes sense.

 

[Spiller]

Instantly my brain shut down. I completely lost my ability to think and to stay in conversation with her. My brain was incapable of hearing anything and also of processing any information. It was like in the movies when they portray a person who was near an explosion.

edit- interestingly enough, I did not have this or shutdowns happen with such frequency prior to recent history (past couple of months or so) but life got very strange and a bit brutal,

It seems to me as if I stood up too quick - everything goes white and I can't think or function.. it's usually brief, seconds maybe, but after a breakdown last year (I've come across the term 'Middle-age Aspie Burnout'), I become overwhelmed much more easily and it can take several days of solitude to recover.

 

[Vanilla]

I know the feeling, but it's not so common anymore. I think it's because our emotional extremes are just that; extreme. It really takes it out of you. For me, it's not even just mentally, but physically draining. Also, my head feels tender, and sore, when touched afterwards.

 

[Ereth]

Does this happen to any of you?

Short answer: yes.

 

[Kari Suttle]

This happens to me a lot. It can be sudden or from something more cumulative in nature, like stress at work one day, or a mix of both. At work its usually a mix of both, outside of work its almost always suddenly provoked. I just suddenly become unable to talk to others or communicate at all (even say hi to a customer). I can't process anything, or think straight. If i have to talk, my words resemble a two year old's attempt at their first sentences more than anything else - one word answers (work) and 'no other' (my laptop hears this one a lot) are extremely common examples. I avoid eye contact a lot too, whereas normally i'm okay with this to an extent at work when i'm already scripting 90% of what is say anyways. Its more noticable at work, hence why my examples are work related. At work it lasts hours, and usually only time brings me out of it fully although nice people, a break, and food/drink can help with it. I'll at least start scripting a little if i get a particularly nice customer, sometimes. I've found that little things like listening to my favorite song before work helps keep me happier, which therein helps me handle stress better, which of course keeps the shutdowns at work to a minimum.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Mine aren't as immediate. Usually when I have a shut down it's after a few hours of verbal thrashing.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Happens the worst with me when I feel like a failure in my marriage. DH gets tired and frustrated sometimes (completely normal, of course), then I start tumbling into that abyss. He's not directing anger at me, but we never yell at each other, so even small signs of his being dissatisfied with me really cut deep. I'm trying to give him the freedom to be a regular human being, you know? But I feel very badly to be putting him through all of this with me.

Then being around my family takes a valorous act of solidarity to stay sane if there's any conflict at all...sometimes even their "Look how super happy I am despite your craziness, and if you would just be more like me, you could be this happy too" messages get to me. Their manipulation and guilt trips are very subtle, usually, but have a really strong effect on me. I think I'm way too sensitive to their manipulation, but it's hard to find the space to get over that. Until the past couple of years, it hardly ever affected me at all...I could withstand all of their drama and antics and not get sucked in. But my defenses have just fallen apart the past year or so. I read in another thread where someone mentioned "asperger's middle age burnout", and that really resonates with me. I'm not the person I was a year ago, and especially not two years ago. Or maybe I'm just now becoming the person I've been all along...

 

[Judge]

Happens the worst with me when I feel like a failure in my marriage.

So much frustration- it's understandable. Yet consider another perspective.

You HAVE a marriage. You appear to be PERPETUATING it. At times I'm almost in awe of you married Aspies.

From my point of view (and trail of broken relationships) you are a relative success. Truly. At nearly 60 and never been married, I have no social prospects at all. You're "batting at 900" from where I sit. Well done.

 

[DogwoodTree]

So much frustration- it's understandable. Yet consider another perspective.

You HAVE a marriage. You appear to be PERPETUATING it.

From my point of view (and trail of broken relationships) you are a relative success. Truly.

Thanks. Really. I'm going to try to remember that. I just feel so badly sometimes for putting him through all of this. It's been really tough, on both of us. All things considered, I'm doing okay I guess...I just feel so guilty that I brought this craziness into the marriage, with my history of CSA and now this. I just want to fix it all and make it better, you know?

 

[Judge]

Thanks. Really. I'm going to try to remember that. I just feel so badly sometimes for putting him through all of this. It's been really tough, on both of us. All things considered, I'm doing okay I guess...I just feel so guilty that I brought this craziness into the marriage, with my history of CSA and now this. I just want to fix it all and make it better, you know?

Oh yeah. Make no mistake about it. What you are concerned about IS an uphill battle. But for you it sounds like a battle you can win in time.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do you realize I stuck around on this board at the beginning a month ago because of a post you made to me? I was in a terrible place that day, and I don't even remember exactly what you said, but you nailed it and shifted my perspective back into a more grounded reality.

Anyway, just want to say thanks. Your posts are always encouraging. Regardless of what's happened with your romantic relationships...the goodness in you shines through here. I'm very grateful.

 

[Judge]

Anyway, just want to say thanks. Your posts are always encouraging. Regardless of what's happened with your romantic relationships...the goodness in you shines through here. I'm very grateful.

Thanks, although I'm sure there are a few folks here would beg to disagree, LOL. But occasionally some posters like yourself hit upon things that touch me. Things I can deeply relate to. But more often from a perspective of failure more than any successes. My hindsight isn't usually enough to help myself in any profound way, but if I can help others, that's always a good thing.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Wisdom hangs around with people who have messed up and learned from it. I've got too many people in my life who think they've "arrived" and got it all figured out, who can't fathom that they might still have a lot of learning and growing to do. Thanks for taking the time to share your hard-earned insights.

 

[abby normal]

the older I get the shorter my mileage between rest, so I find myself as a hermit nowadays because I just don't have the energy for people anymore.