Messaging etiquette

[mollynd]

Hi sorry this may be a bit long! I'm struggling with an aspergers friend and communication and would like some advice. I am neuro diverse as are all my children and other family members so am familiar with different levels of communication but I am unsure what is best to do with this particular friend as he is the much more extreme with the changes in communication.

He has various things going on as he cares for his elderly mum almost full time which he struggles with so often shuts down and completely stops all communication as a way to cope. Rarely a warning just suddenly stops replying/answering calls. So I am used to this but occasionally it lasts a lot longer than average and I am unsure whether during this time I should also stop messaging. Normally I may drop a breezy non confrontational message every couple of days. I never chase a reply and never comment on lack of reply to previous messages. This is because often he has made contact immediately after one of these messages and I wonder whether he likes the reminder or feels awkward that previous messages have been ignored and this tells him I have not shut him off. He suffers badly with anxiety.

But should I maybe not message at all after the first non reply and just wait or should I maybe message more so he knows I am thinking of him? We have a relatively close friendship and see each other regularly and although we talk openly about most things this is something that for whatever reason doesn't get clarified and the conversation dismissed. We are both in our mid 40s if that makes a difference. I know you can't tell me what he would prefer but I would like to know how others that do the same feel about it as although I understand i find it difficult to relate to as I hate being alone when I'm struggling so naturally have the opposite reaction.

 

[Outdated]

I'm also the same. quite often there's nothing wrong at all but I enjoy time to myself. I no longer have a mobile phone because I got sick of text messages, and with my land line only 2 people have the number. If I don't feel like answering then I won't. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong or that I'm feeling down, it's simply that I didn't feel like it at that moment.

One old friend called about 6 weeks ago, I haven't got around to returning his call yet. This is nothing abnormal for me and he knows me well. He knows I hate talking on the phone and that if he really needs to contact me then he should email. Emails aren't immediate, they'll sit there and wait until you feel like answering.

 

[Forest Cat]

He knows I hate talking on the phone and that if he really needs to contact me then he should email. Emails aren't immediate, they'll sit there and wait until you feel like answering.

Emails are great, I don't know why people use phones now that we have email. The email system is superior in every way.

 

[mollynd]

Thank you thats really helpful. Its one area I struggle with relating to as I'm the opposite so my own issues often creep in and my logic makes me wonder if he just doesn't value our friendship etc. I want him to know I'm thinking of him and that I'm there if he does want to talk and I do tell him this frequently when we are communicating but I think he is used to people just giving up on him so assumes I will just do the same so subconsciously holds me at arms length. Trying to get a balance of understanding but also that our friendship is a two way thing is really tricky sometimes.

 

[Alexej]

You could try sending a message that does not require an answer - eg "Hi -xx thinking of you today. mollynd

 

[Dagan]

There's my level of dealings (to add example for you) - Messaging is always easier because it allows editing (more than a few times) since about the biggest thing is not wanting to make a mistake and not wanting to be mistaken. Communication is absolutely part of the social struggle. It's fewer times at all related to wanting to communicate and more often just second-guessing what exactly to say (to no end) before pressing send.

 

[The Pandector]

Thank you thats really helpful. Its one area I struggle with relating to as I'm the opposite so my own issues often creep in and my logic makes me wonder if he just doesn't value our friendship etc. I want him to know I'm thinking of him and that I'm there if he does want to talk and I do tell him this frequently when we are communicating but I think he is used to people just giving up on him so assumes I will just do the same so subconsciously holds me at arms length. Trying to get a balance of understanding but also that our friendship is a two way thing is really tricky sometimes.

It sounds to me as though you’ve already found a good balance. He knows you’re there when he’s ready, even if it takes extra time sometimes. When you re-call, it doesn’t sound like you are less than supportive and patient.

We should all have such a friend.

 

[Aspychata]

It's like some people like emails, some like texts, some hate texts and emails, and just want you to call. But if you hate calling and prefer emails then they get upset, but some friends seem unable to figure out what they want, because neither of you know what the friendship status actually is which just causes me Woody Allen anxiety, life become to complicated with texts, and emails. It's one more layer of complexity that l need to discern and not piss off the friend or partner as l solve the rubic cube of repartee. Felt so good to get that of my chest.

Great post @mollynd .

 

[mollynd]

It sounds to me as though you’ve already found a good balance. He knows you’re there when he’s ready, even if it takes extra time sometimes. When you re-call, it doesn’t sound like you are less than supportive and patient.

We should all have such a friend.

Thank you for your comment. I do hope he knows this. I think my reason for needing this understanding is there are times that I question our friendship. I guess sometimes I find it difficult to not take offence to being ignored and worry it will eventually make me back away. I do hope not. I think ultimately I need to try to address communication with him and get a bit more clarity on what works for both of us so these doubts don't creep in.

 

[mollynd]

It's like some people like emails, some like texts, some hate texts and emails, and just want you to call. But if you hate calling and prefer emails then they get upset, but some friends seem unable to figure out what they want, because neither of you know what the friendship status actually is which just causes me Woody Allen anxiety, life become to complicated with texts, and emails. It's one more layer of complexity that l need to discern and not piss off the friend or partner as l solve the rubic cube of repartee.

Yes this. Typically he prefers calls which I'm happy with and always answer whenever it is. But if I call him he rarely answers so I typically make contact with a text and wait for him to respond. Sometimes he will. Sometimes he says not in good place so can't talk but more lately its just no reply for days. I don't know whether the change from can't talk to nothing is in his head a positive one as he knows I understand and he doesn't have to reply when it is overwhealming or that he is just taking me for granted and thinks oh I don't need to bother with her she'll always be there no matter what i do.

 

[The Pandector]

Yes this. Typically he prefers calls which I'm happy with and always answer whenever it is. But if I call him he rarely answers so I typically make contact with a text and wait for him to respond. Sometimes he will. Sometimes he says not in good place so can't talk but more lately its just no reply for days. I don't know whether the change from can't talk to nothing is in his head a positive one as he knows I understand and he doesn't have to reply when it is overwhealming or that he is just taking me for granted and thinks oh I don't need to bother with her she'll always be there no matter what i do.

I can’t know this person’s heart, but have to doubt they take a friend like you lightly. OTOH, I’m also guessing that they are very troubled by the disruption in your relationship and deeply need to know that you will always be there no matter what he does.

And yes, when times are good you must have a talk and explain to him how his silence is a real problem for you.

 

[mollynd]

I can’t know this person’s heart, but have to doubt they take a friend like you lightly. OTOH, I’m also guessing that they are very troubled by the disruption in your relationship and deeply need to know that you will always be there no matter what he does.

And yes, when times are good you must have a talk and explain to him how his silence is a real problem for you.

Thank you. I really enjoy the time I spend with him so would hate for our friendship to be spoilt by misunderstandings with communication between meetings. I will carry on as I am in regards to how I communicate and prioritise a conversation with him in person when we next meet to determine if less or more would be preferablefor him. I guess i need to let him know i do understand his issues but at the same time this does not mean he doesn't have to put in any effort when he is able. He has admitted to testing me to see if I am genuine in the past but we've been friends for over a year now so I'd hope he is no longer doing this.

 

[Aspychata]

This was a point of contention that l didn't have to guts to discuss. I needed more contact, this person just didn't want to go there, so then l felt like a pretend girlfriend, and my feelings were hurt, and l was unable to voice this which was my bad. So don't turn into a doormat. Please make sure to state your feelings, or tell him l like it when you are contact on a regular basis, it makes me feel great about us. But the great thing is now l voice my feelings in a non-threatening way. So l am truly thankful to this beautiful man.

 

[mollynd]

This was a point of contention that l didn't have to guts to discuss. I needed more contact, this person just didn't want to go there, so then l felt like a pretend girlfriend, and my feelings were hurt, and l was unable to voice this which was my bad. So don't turn into a doormat. Please make sure to state your feelings, or tell him l like it when you are contact on a regular basis, it makes me feel great about us. But the great thing is now l voice my feelings in a non-threatening way. So l am truly thankful to this beautiful man.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there! The more I've been thinking about this situation and realising how much I'm trying to work out whats best for him I am starting to feel like a doormat. I generally need very little in return but maybe this has encouraged a situation where I therefore get very little and that is acceptable. Fine line between understanding and mug