While I've been active on this forum, there's been another side of me which is extremely insecure about my autism.
The first three months after stopping drinking were about managing the extreme post-withdrawal anxiety and my brain readjusting. The autism diagnosis didn't seem debilitating and served as more of an explanatory factor for certain things in the past.
Then, around the three month mark - I don't remember a particular trigger for this, it happened over the period of about a week - the repetitive thoughts disappeared, I started developing new stims (particularly hand flapping which is very embarrassing and very involuntary), I started developing extreme sensory issues, my meltdowns happened multiple times in a week. I felt like I was going crazy and that I had to be gaslighting myself somehow.
On the other hand, I started playing with my kids - not out of parental obligation, but because I actually wanted to. People around me noticed the positive changes, even my parents.
It was only my faith that carried me through this cognitive dissonance - Matthew 12:22-28, good things which are undeniably God's works, cannot be from the devil. I kept telling myself, it's impossible for me to be gaslighting myself, because this other good progress is happening. But there's always doubt. Blind faith has never been a strong suit of mine.
The other day, I was thinking, oh, I haven't stimmed in an hour or so, I guess ASD really doesn't exist. Then I looked down and, yep, I was hand flapping, just it was completely out of my consciousness. It's not a logical thought process.
Last night, my husband went on a long vent about something happening at his business. You could say he is in the craft business - he started this business about an year ago, and he recently won his first silver in a competition. He worked hard on improving his product, and is really hoping to win a gold in a different competition tomorrow.
I was actually engaged in this vent. I didn't have focus problems, I didn't have to force myself to listen, I genuinely wanted to hear what he had to say beyond an intellectual "support your spouse" level. It's been many years since I've been able to do that. This is an objective, undeniable milestone which is almost miraculous, but which also validates everything ASD.
It took me about 30 minutes to push past the emotions, the shutdown, to tell him this. He was very patient, loving, waited for me to say every word. And he told me he was very happy and proud of me.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't think I can ever go back to the kind of corporate job I was doing. I'm hoping my startup succeeds, but it'll take some luck to get to a place where it can actually pay me. If I have a next job, I will most likely have to downlevel 3 to 4 levels. But again, that is where faith comes in.
And I think I can finally accept that I don't want to go back to that old self, the self that had a very shallow glamorous exterior with a money and a title. To quote the author of Amazing Grace -
The first three months after stopping drinking were about managing the extreme post-withdrawal anxiety and my brain readjusting. The autism diagnosis didn't seem debilitating and served as more of an explanatory factor for certain things in the past.
Then, around the three month mark - I don't remember a particular trigger for this, it happened over the period of about a week - the repetitive thoughts disappeared, I started developing new stims (particularly hand flapping which is very embarrassing and very involuntary), I started developing extreme sensory issues, my meltdowns happened multiple times in a week. I felt like I was going crazy and that I had to be gaslighting myself somehow.
On the other hand, I started playing with my kids - not out of parental obligation, but because I actually wanted to. People around me noticed the positive changes, even my parents.
It was only my faith that carried me through this cognitive dissonance - Matthew 12:22-28, good things which are undeniably God's works, cannot be from the devil. I kept telling myself, it's impossible for me to be gaslighting myself, because this other good progress is happening. But there's always doubt. Blind faith has never been a strong suit of mine.
The other day, I was thinking, oh, I haven't stimmed in an hour or so, I guess ASD really doesn't exist. Then I looked down and, yep, I was hand flapping, just it was completely out of my consciousness. It's not a logical thought process.
Last night, my husband went on a long vent about something happening at his business. You could say he is in the craft business - he started this business about an year ago, and he recently won his first silver in a competition. He worked hard on improving his product, and is really hoping to win a gold in a different competition tomorrow.
I was actually engaged in this vent. I didn't have focus problems, I didn't have to force myself to listen, I genuinely wanted to hear what he had to say beyond an intellectual "support your spouse" level. It's been many years since I've been able to do that. This is an objective, undeniable milestone which is almost miraculous, but which also validates everything ASD.
It took me about 30 minutes to push past the emotions, the shutdown, to tell him this. He was very patient, loving, waited for me to say every word. And he told me he was very happy and proud of me.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't think I can ever go back to the kind of corporate job I was doing. I'm hoping my startup succeeds, but it'll take some luck to get to a place where it can actually pay me. If I have a next job, I will most likely have to downlevel 3 to 4 levels. But again, that is where faith comes in.
And I think I can finally accept that I don't want to go back to that old self, the self that had a very shallow glamorous exterior with a money and a title. To quote the author of Amazing Grace -
Last edited:
