Mind the gap......

[ladybug]

so the latest part of this downtime/back being chatty/feeling my family don't have my back/don't want to meet my family/ don't see a happy relationship.... but all the issues between he (aspie) and me (nt) seem to involve his perception of how other people (my family) treat me..... spoke today to discover he is very angry about this. I've tried to explain that my family and when I see them or not or how supportive they are or not are my concerns... and not a reason to invalidate our relationship..... we agreed to have a separate weekend.... he has a lot of responsibility for ensuring his brothers divorce stays on track as his brothers ex arrives to stay at my bf house for two weeks. He now tells me via text that he's looking forward to training with his brother tomorrow..... he's watching a movie..... but he 'feels rejected ' and 'very closed down' ....? I'm not sure what any of this means...
I tell him I think he's drained by being in the middle of his brothers and sis in law.... he's not getting enough sleep (his dog is barking at night)
I have and continue to tell him I love him and that we are a couple and will get through this together..... am I doing the right thing....? The reassurance...? Or should I not respond to his texts and give him space to figures it out in his own....? Can he...? Sorry to go on, but I'm in totally uncharted territory here....
Any suggestions of what to do would be great......!!!!

 

[Suzanne]

From the prespective of a female aspie here, who has the same issues with her husband's family, I can say that the more you push, the more confusion and resentment you create in him. Remember, he is angry how your family are treating YOU not HIM, which shows an outstanding love for you.

You react similar to my husband. He has said: so what am I going to tell my family when my wife refuses to see them? I say: tell them the truth, but seems non aspies cannot do this, which I suppose is fair.

As for him feeling out of it. The best is to OCCASIONALLY send him a tiny message to say you are there for him.

When I feel like your boyfriend, I value to be on my own, but just an occassional text from my husband to reassure me that he knows it is difficult but he loves me.

What you have to try and see is that it is an unselfish act by your boyfriend. Because his behaviour screams to NT's narcissim. My husband considers me to be very selfish, because he is left to try and explain if need be, why his family never see me. As it happens, they never ask lol

 

[ladybug]

Thanks Suzanne, his way is confusing... because it's like he can't see a way forward for us, because of them...!?!? But that's my issue with them, and shouldn't impact on us...? - or am I miss reading him.....
He also said last night he feels very shut down and rejected.....

 

[Suzanne]

his way is confusing... because it's like he can't see a way forward for us, because of them...!?!? But that's my issue with them, and shouldn't impact on us...? - or am I miss reading him.....
He also said last night he feels very shut down and rejected.....

There is no way forward. When we date someone, we automatically get involved with their family; that is a part of life; it is called: extended family and so, if there is a major issue that we can see with our partner's family towards our partner, we realise that a relationship cannot go forward and that is what your boyfriend sees.

If you were to say that you would never see your family again, then perhaps he would think about going forward with you, but he knows that is unreasonable to ask of you and so, is battling with having feelings for you, but disliking your family.

Basically you are not involved with an NT guy, who thinks on the same wavelength as yourself ie the NT way ( because you resonate how my husband thinks), so if you want to progress you are going to have to realise that you have to do a lot of the effort and if you cann't or think it is unfair ( which is certainly a fair point), then you ought to say goodbye to each other.

A lady I know who's son has aspergers related how her daughter in law contacted her and said she had a major issue with her husband; that he refused point blank to go and see her parents and when asked; he could not say, other than he felt uncomfortable and so, mum asked him and he said: I don't like them. His mum tried to reason with him ie he is married and obliged to do the right thing: not sure if he did though.

 

[ladybug]

He hasn't asked me to choose... I have said that I keep my relationship with him separate from my family.... my life with him is separate..... I see his brother and his friends... he's met my mum (and likes her very much) and had met my friends.... it seems to be the fact that when we got together, I said, that my family is very close to me, but after the separation from my ex, my family have not supported me at all.... so he's puzzled (as am I ) about their lack of support to me he asked me 'do your family even like you...?' I can see his point as I am totally surprised at their lack of support..... but at the same time trying (unsuccessfully) to keep the lines of communication open with them and still see some of them, this doesn't seem to be an issue with him as he's not brought it up....
I'm concerned that because he feels 'shut down' and 'rejected' he's thinking of withdrawing..... perhaps completely from me...