Miscommunication & Assumptions

[theminx]

Has anyone else ever noticed this...or had similar experiences?

I remember once I was with my sister and a few of her friends (my sister used say I preferred friends by proxy). My sister was a staunch Republican at the time (she is now a Libertarian). One of the friends was a Democrat. 

They got into an argument...ahem...debate. 

The interesting thing I observed was the fact neither person was actually listening to what the other was saying. If they had been, then they would've noticed they were often making the same points and were in agreement with each other...

...but they were so busy trying to "win", trying to prove that they were right and the other person was wrong, it was like they eventually weren't even having the same conversation anymore. 

They just seemed to hear key phrases and terms from the other person, which would set them off, but they never listened to the argument to determine whether the point was viable or not.

I remember feeling so frustrated with both of them. 

But this doesn't just happen when listening to an argument. It happens when I'm arguing with someone, usually when I just want to be understood, especially with someone like my sister.

I'll realize early on that she's so busy trying to prove to me she's right and I'm wrong, she won't hear a word I'll say.

I'll start to meltdown, yelling it's not about winning or losing or right or wrong. It's about gaining understanding. I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right. I'm just saying I see things differently than you...and I just want you to understand...

But she's already started in on me again.

At which point I'll have a full meltdown...and just come out of the whole thing feeling misunderstood and frustrated and crazy to boot.

Has anyone else ever noticed this...or is it just me?

 

[hiraeth]

I notice this a lot.

Which is why I really can't be bothered to talk about things like politics or religion. These things are subjective by nature. The kind of social structure you're most suited to live in and the way you comprehend questions like where we came from and where we're going after this lifetime are based in personal preferences. It helps to be informed and to hear every side of the story first, but at the end of the day, what beliefs you settle on are going to be what "clicks" the most with your unique internal makeup as a person. Different things work better for different people. There is no right or wrong answer. But people always insist that there is one.

It's exhausting. That's not the point. Diverse beliefs reflect a diverse range of human psychological makeups and needs, which we get a chance to appreciate when we hear people share.

 

[theminx]

Yes. Precisely. It is about sharing. And diversity. And gaining understanding.

But it's not just politics. Even before I knew why I was so different from everyone, I noticed how I'd be in a conversation with someone and I'd sense a shift...that something went wrong, and things would go south.

I always knew it was something that I did or said, but I didn't always know what it was.

I just knew something happened.

Recently I had an experience with a woman. She asked me if I had troubles communicating with people. I said yes. She asked me how.

So...I told her.

She then replied...what I got from that is that you want a deeper friendship with me. Maybe start meeting to chat a few times a week.

I was like...what? I don't understand. You asked if I had issues communicating...then wanted to know how. So, I told you two examples then asked for some advice. I didn't say anything about wanting a deeper friendship.

She then told me if someone asks me a question, they want the edited version. If I send a long explanation, they'll assume that means I want something more than what I'm saying.

I was like...why?

She merely said, cuz that's how things work.

Yet when I try to truncate myself, I am then told the opposite. That I'm cold and distant.

Perhaps I just don't know how to find middle ground. I'm not sure.

So, my problem isnt just with people wanting to win or be right...or convince others as a political agenda...

...I also mean...the misunderstandings and assumptions that are made when you say too much or too little. Or use a term that is deemed sensitive, like everyone got a memo telling them what to say and what not to say but you.

Or even certain colluquims. Those are always evoloving, where old ones change and new ones are introduced and everyone seems to have some inside knowledge to what they mean...and when you get confused and ask...everyone acts like you should know and it's crazy to ask such questions.

A good one is... "to have your cake and eat it too".

I'd get so frustrated when people would say that to me, as what's the point of having cake if you can't eat it?

Finally someone took pity on me recently and said the point is...once you eat the cake...you no longer have it...it's gone.

I said ..so? Now your belly is happy?

They said...but you don't have the cake for later. So. You can have your cake...and admire it. Or you can eat it...and it is gone. But not both.

I was like...oh! Eureka!

Then I said...then it would make more sense to say...you can't "eat" your cake and "have it" too.

As that is the logical senquence of events that lead to that outcome.

They just shook their head and said...ah Brenda...you're so silly.

Sigh...

But I wasn't trying to be silly.

 

[garnetflower13]

I get this all the time. What I think is going on, is that people are projecting aspects of themselves at me, or reading things in that I didn't say, or even coloring things with their own emotional outlook. It can be frustrating, for sure!

 

[Judge]

Ah yes. Ideological arguments where the parties in question drew a line in the sand over their opposing viewpoints before they even began to argue.

Small wonder I do not have an ideological mindset in general. As does Temple Grandin.

I don't "marry" ideas and cannot truly relate to anyone who does. LOL...and that's a whole lot of people out there spanning so many issues.

Absolutely, IMO it's incredibly frustrating to attempt to employ logic to an ideological mindset that made up their mind before a word was even spoken.

 

[Suzanne]

Ummm well, you have sadly just described my husband and me often; it is sadly true that I do pick on key points and highlight those, but then again, it is because of the way they come out that aggrivate me. So I am pretty sure, were you listening into one of our arguments, you no doubt would say the same about us, as you are doing with your sister and the friend.

However, many times I say the same to my husband as you say to your sister ie I just want to be understood and it is not about competition!

I am not a competative person at all and so, when I detect it, I am the one who backs down.

 

[paloftoon]

If a person can't listen to my point of view, if they are not my family and care about me, I tend to keep my distance if they have to be a pushover and can't hear my side, especially when I have my own valuable knowledge, experiences, and points.

 

[theminx]

I get this all the time. What I think is going on, is that people are projecting aspects of themselves at me, or reading things in that I didn't say, or even coloring things with their own emotional outlook. It can be frustrating, for sure!

Yes. Exactly. I don't understand why this happens. It is infinitely frustrating.