Missed opportunity that haunts me to this day

[Markness]

Back in either 2013 or 2014, my mother's ex-husband's daughter was in fashion school and was assigned to help groom the celebrities that were coming to the comic-con in the area (Austin, TX). She was also able to get tickets for her father, my mother, and myself or maybe her father got us tickets; I don't clearly remember that part. It was the first time I've ever been to a comic-con so it was a new experience for me.

Unfortunately, my mother wouldn't let me stray far from her and I had to go into work later so I couldn't stay for the whole event. While we were walking around, one of the rooms had a sign outside the door that said "Geek Speed Dating".

Looking back, I wish I could've joined in on the event since maybe it could've lead me to meeting girls who shared my interests. It's a missed opportunity that continues to haunt me to this day.

 

[Wolfnox]

Missed? You might be better off. I understand taking a chance. But that sounds like a shame service.

 

[Fino]

Can't you just find a speed-dating somewhere? Or that exact one? I doubt it was a once-in-a-lifetime occurence.

 

[GadAbout]

Go to another comic-con, and leave your mother home.

 

[Shamar]

Back in either 2013 or 2014, my mother's ex-husband's daughter was in fashion school and was assigned to help groom the celebrities that were coming to the comic-con in the area (Austin, TX). She was also able to get tickets for her father, my mother, and myself or maybe her father got us tickets; I don't clearly remember that part. It was the first time I've ever been to a comic-con so it was a new experience for me.

Unfortunately, my mother wouldn't let me stray far from her and I had to go into work later so I couldn't stay for the whole event. While we were walking around, one of the rooms had a sign outside the door that said "Geek Speed Dating".

Looking back, I wish I could've joined in on the event since maybe it could've lead me to meeting girls who shared my interests. It's a missed opportunity that continues to haunt me to this day.

I understand how the drive and need for social contact can haunt you. My inability to socialize and make contact has been causing me excruciating pain for over 50 years. But I doubt this is the way. I see two possibilities. First, you put on a mask and be someone else until she loves you for who you pretend to be. The other possibility is you meet a girl looking for a Sheldon Leonard. Although autistics and geeks may share a few similarities, they are two entirely different categories of people. I wish you luck, but since I am a failure at this sort of thing, I can't give you any advice.

My great missed opportunity occurred in the 3rd grade. A teacher decided I was not living up to my potential and there might be Some Sort of Problem. I was given a battery of psychological tests, and instead of answering the question truthfully, I answered as I thought a perfectly normal person would do. How is that for masking? If I had answered truthfully, I might have gotten the support and diagnoses I needed. Of course, my father would have disowned me if I did; in retrospect, that may not have been a down side.

 

[Misery]

Back in either 2013 or 2014, my mother's ex-husband's daughter was in fashion school and was assigned to help groom the celebrities that were coming to the comic-con in the area (Austin, TX). She was also able to get tickets for her father, my mother, and myself or maybe her father got us tickets; I don't clearly remember that part. It was the first time I've ever been to a comic-con so it was a new experience for me.

Unfortunately, my mother wouldn't let me stray far from her and I had to go into work later so I couldn't stay for the whole event. While we were walking around, one of the rooms had a sign outside the door that said "Geek Speed Dating".

Looking back, I wish I could've joined in on the event since maybe it could've lead me to meeting girls who shared my interests. It's a missed opportunity that continues to haunt me to this day.

I've been going to conventions for quite awhile. With nothing limiting my ability to go to them, I go whenever I can find one within a sane driving distance. I've been to ALOT of them. Far more than what even the most diehard con fans get to go to. To say I'm a veteran at this point is a massive understatement. Almost all of these cons do the speed-dating thing somewhere in their library of events.

And I'll put it this way:

You didnt miss anything. Those events almost never work in the way that everyone hopes. I have friends that have tried those plenty of times. Always led to frustration and anger. They never listened to me when I told them it was a bloody stupid idea.

Meeting people... whether they're friends, or something more... simply doesnt work that way. Events like these are usually designed to attract "desperate" people, usually in the interest of somehow profiting the people that run them.

Even worse, at conventions, the people that attend usually have a few specific traits happening other than being geeks:

1. Hygiene is usually utterly terrible. Conventions are notorious germ farms.

2. They're often drunk, sometimes high. Sometimes both at once. Alot of room parties happen at these events. You can guess where that goes.

3. They are almost always sleep-deprived. Which is what happens when you share a tiny hotel room with 7 other people just to be able to afford the exorbitant room prices (fortunately I dont have to worry about that one... I'd go mad if I had to do that). And I dont mean "lost a couple hours of sleep". I mean "went 2 nights in a row with zero sleep during a weekend of frantic activities". Which is often preceeded by large amounts of driving. In a crowded car. I suspect this is one of the reasons why hygiene is so bad. It's hard to focus on something like that when you're basically joined the ranks of the undead.

Take alot of very socially awkward and often rather odd people, put them through those three things, and dump them into a scenario like that, and you have a recipe for derpage. I'll put it this way: There's a reason why conventions often have lots of security teams wandering around. An event like that can be outright dangerous. Well... so can conventions as a whole.

And on top of that, there's no way to be sure of someone's age. I doubt I have to explain that one any further.

So yeah. I promise you: It wouldnt have been what you were hoping it would be. You didnt miss a thing.

 

[FreeDiver]

I understand how the drive and need for social contact can haunt you. My inability to socialize and make contact has been causing me excruciating pain for over 50 years. But I doubt this is the way. I see two possibilities. First, you put on a mask and be someone else until she loves you for who you pretend to be. The other possibility is you meet a girl looking for a Sheldon Leonard. Although autistics and geeks may share a few similarities, they are two entirely different categories of people. I wish you luck, but since I am a failure at this sort of thing, I can't give you any advice.

I had a similar situation happen to me. I live up in north Idaho when I was a kid and always though I was a nerd living in a red neck world and that was the main reason for my social difficulties. I'd watch a lot of geek/nerd based TV and movies and from looking at them. It seem to fit my profile. But when I finally move from that place in Idaho to a place where there were nerd/geek groups. I still found myself not being able to connect with those groups of people. A first, I though the reason for this was because it was my first time connecting with this kind of group, and that I haven't learned all the ropes yet. Turns out in the end, that wasn't the case.

My great missed opportunity occurred in the 3rd grade. A teacher decided I was not living up to my potential and there might be Some Sort of Problem. I was given a battery of psychological tests, and instead of answering the question truthfully, I answered as I thought a perfectly normal person would do. How is that for masking? If I had answered truthfully, I might have gotten the support and diagnoses I needed. Of course, my father would have disowned me if I did; in retrospect, that may not have been a down side.

I have a contradiction to this. I got the battery of psychological tests, including an IQ test when I was 12 years old. I put my best towards that IQ test and scored genius level. But did that help? NO! it didn't. All it did was raise everyone exceptions towards me.

 

[Fino]

It's just a scapegoat for whatever you're feeling.

 

[Shamar]

I had a similar situation happen to me. I live up in north Idaho when I was a kid and always though I was a nerd living in a red neck world and that was the main reason for my social difficulties. I'd watch a lot of geek/nerd based TV and movies and from looking at them. It seem to fit my profile. But when I finally move from that place in Idaho to a place where there were nerd/geek groups. I still found myself not being able to connect with those groups of people. A first, I though the reason for this was because it was my first time connecting with this kind of group, and that I haven't learned all the ropes yet. Turns out in the end, that wasn't the case.



I have a contradiction to this. I got the battery of psychological tests, including an IQ test when I was 12 years old. I put my best towards that IQ test and scored genius level. But did that help? NO! it didn't. All it did was raise everyone exceptions towards me.

Same here. The last test put me in the 99.8-99.9 percentile in cognitive ability. Don't know what the earlier test results were, but the psychologist said that I was highly intelligent and my grades were low because I was bored silly in class (I could have told them this directly if they only asked), and needed to be moved to a more advanced class. The school decided my grades were too low to justify moving me.

 

[Markness]

Can't you just find a speed-dating somewhere? Or that exact one? I doubt it was a once-in-a-lifetime occurence.

I've tried a general one two different times and both were anxiety inducing as well as disappointing and discouraging. One that caters to geeks and nerds I feel like would be better.

 

[Misery]

I've tried a general one two different times and both were anxiety inducing as well as disappointing and discouraging. One that caters to geeks and nerds I feel like would be better.

It's going to be the same no matter where you go.

Again, these events arent REALLY designed to help you: They're designed to profit someone else. Sadly, that's the world we live in.

Besides, dating / relationships simply dont work that way. Which may be a tough fact to swallow, but that's simply how it is.

And the ones at the conventions will be the worst of all. For all of the many reasons mentioned earlier


As a rule: Never trust "quick fix" solutions to anything. Period. MOST things in life do not have a quick fix, and trying to rely on one can outright make your situation WORSE. That's surely not what you want.

 

[Shamar]

I've tried a general one two different times and both were anxiety inducing as well as disappointing and discouraging. One that caters to geeks and nerds I feel like would be better.

How many geek/nerd women are there out there? How many women out there want a geek/nerd type guy, compared to the number of geek/nerd guys? I envision 10-15 obviously desperate men for every woman attending. I could be wrong; if I am, it gives a bit of hope.

 

[FreeDiver]

How many geek/nerd women are there out there? How many women out there want a geek/nerd type guy, compared to the number of geek/nerd guys? I envision 10-15 obviously desperate men for every woman attending. I could be wrong; if I am, it gives a bit of hope.

I'm not so sure. I've been to all kinds of scifi/fantasy, comic and anime conventions and I will have to say that there are about the same number of girls as there are guys. maybe 1 girl for every 2 guys. But is certainly isn't 10-15 guys for every 1 girl that's for sure.

 

[Misery]

How many geek/nerd women are there out there? How many women out there want a geek/nerd type guy, compared to the number of geek/nerd guys? I envision 10-15 obviously desperate men for every woman attending. I could be wrong; if I am, it gives a bit of hope.

The myth of most geeks being male is just that: a myth.

And they tend to be VERY easy to notice at cons. I find they're usually the loud ones. Why, I dont know.

But yeah, there's a solid mix of both. It's been that way at every single convention I've been to, and I'd really rather not know just how many I've been to at this point.

 

[Tom]

It may have been one of those carnival type gimmicks. You buy a ticket and the person tries to guess your age. If they get it right you loose your money. If they are wrong you win a cheap prize, etc. Nothing to dwell on.

 

[Markness]

It's going to be the same no matter where you go.

Again, these events arent REALLY designed to help you: They're designed to profit someone else. Sadly, that's the world we live in.

Besides, dating / relationships simply dont work that way. Which may be a tough fact to swallow, but that's simply how it is.

And the ones at the conventions will be the worst of all. For all of the many reasons mentioned earlier


As a rule: Never trust "quick fix" solutions to anything. Period. MOST things in life do not have a quick fix, and trying to rely on one can outright make your situation WORSE. That's surely not what you want.

I honestly get the feeling from your posts that you don’t think I should ever date.

 

[Misery]

I honestly get the feeling from your posts that you don’t think I should ever date.

No, it's that you shouldnt try wacky "quick fix" solutions to quickly get something that takes alot of time and effort. Dating and relationships... well, let me rephrase that... SUCCESSFUL dating and relationships dont just happen because you go to some bizarre event at a place full of INCREDIBLY drunken and sleep-deprived (and often drugged-up) idiots. Remember, this is coming from someone that's been to a zillion cons.

I've said about 10 billionty times (not just to you, I mean in general) the same bit of advice that usually gets ignored: instead of weird solutions of the sort that people frequently try and never get success with, just get out there in the world around you and talk to new people. Just talk to people normally in situations you happen to find yourself in. Find a hobby that you like, meet others that are into it. Go to parks, go to stores, whatever. Be yourself and strike up some conversations, or just let others talk to you. DONT act obsessed with finding a date (people WILL spot that, and most dont like it), and have some bloody confidence in yourself. And then just... let... stuff.... happen. And accept the fact that none of it happens fast or simply because you want it to. Accept also that when something does happen, it might be friendship, not romance. But also understand that is just fine. Friendship is a very good thing.

Understand, all of this is stuff I've learned from people in my life who are far wiser than I am. I dont just pull this stuff out of my ear. My brother, for instance. He is married, and they had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Married AND a father! Incredible. But him reaching that point was NOT a fast process. He met his wife just normally and randomly while he was at college. And no, not at some blasted party, not at some stupid dating event. As much of a jokester as he is, he's also a very serious and responsible person (he's actually a teacher now!)... he met her through some study group. They just happened to meet there (after he'd been there for a few years). He didnt go to college with the intention of getting a girl or going to dumb parties. He went to college to study and start a career. And it just happened while he was there. No tricks, no weird events, no "quick fix" crap, no schemes... it JUST HAPPENED. I seriously cant stress the importance of understanding that part, because that is OFTEN how it goes. Which is something I wish more people could understand and accept.

I may not have any desire to get into a relationship myself, but these things have still been taught to me by those in my life who want me to at least understand more about the world around me and the people in it. People who are, again, wiser than I am, and far more experienced in all things. Again, I dont just pull this stuff outta nowhere, and I only talk about things like this on this site to try and help people. If I can help even just ONE person on here with whatever... it's worth it.

And that's all I'm going to say on this particular topic right now. Take it or leave it... that's up to you.

 

[FreeDiver]

No, it's that you shouldnt try wacky "quick fix" solutions to quickly get something that takes alot of time and effort. Dating and relationships... well, let me rephrase that... SUCCESSFUL dating and relationships dont just happen because you go to some bizarre event at a place full of INCREDIBLY drunken and sleep-deprived (and often drugged-up) idiots. Remember, this is coming from someone that's been to a zillion cons.

I've said about 10 billionty times (not just to you, I mean in general) the same bit of advice that usually gets ignored: instead of weird solutions of the sort that people frequently try and never get success with, just get out there in the world around you and talk to new people. Just talk to people normally in situations you happen to find yourself in. Find a hobby that you like, meet others that are into it. Go to parks, go to stores, whatever. Be yourself and strike up some conversations, or just let others talk to you. DONT act obsessed with finding a date (people WILL spot that, and most dont like it), and have some bloody confidence in yourself. And then just... let... stuff.... happen. And accept the fact that none of it happens fast or simply because you want it to. Accept also that when something does happen, it might be friendship, not romance. But also understand that is just fine. Friendship is a very good thing.

Understand, all of this is stuff I've learned from people in my life who are far wiser than I am. I dont just pull this stuff out of my ear. My brother, for instance. He is married, and they had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Married AND a father! Incredible. But him reaching that point was NOT a fast process. He met his wife just normally and randomly while he was at college. And no, not at some blasted party, not at some stupid dating event. As much of a jokester as he is, he's also a very serious and responsible person (he's actually a teacher now!)... he met her through some study group. They just happened to meet there (after he'd been there for a few years). He didnt go to college with the intention of getting a girl or going to dumb parties. He went to college to study and start a career. And it just happened while he was there. No tricks, no weird events, no "quick fix" crap, no schemes... it JUST HAPPENED. I seriously cant stress the importance of understanding that part, because that is OFTEN how it goes. Which is something I wish more people could understand and accept.

I may not have any desire to get into a relationship myself, but these things have still been taught to me by those in my life who want me to at least understand more about the world around me and the people in it. People who are, again, wiser than I am, and far more experienced in all things. Again, I dont just pull this stuff outta nowhere, and I only talk about things like this on this site to try and help people. If I can help even just ONE person on here with whatever... it's worth it.

And that's all I'm going to say on this particular topic right now. Take it or leave it... that's up to you.

I wished that my mom would've adhered to this advice. I can't begin to count all the bad relationships that she been in. When it came to relationships, she was a fool(or desperate for that matter). Every one of her relationships all ended in a broken heart and a broker bank account. Luckily, she never got pregnant during those times. Maybe she learned her lesson after having me.

Oh! And speaking of going to cons. Back in my late teen and 20's. I would try to go to every con that I could. I traveled the whole pacific northwest and would even try to go to some cons back east of I could scrounge up the money for airfare. I've been to 1 WorldCon and 1 WesterCon. I have yet to go to comic-con and don't really have plans for it anymore because there are just too many people down there. I used to go to a con up in Seattle every year called SkuraCon. But I quit when they got too big. When I left over 10 years ago. They only had 6,000 attendees there. Today, they have over 30,000 attendees. Little more then I can handle. Today, I only attend our local con that get about 2,200 attendees and I really don't know how long I will keep going there. The only reason I go is because I was one of the original founders and I get in for free in exchange for providing technical help. Plus, I can drive home every night and not have to get a room at the hotel.

Before I ever knew I had Asperger's. I always though my social problems and making friends was because I was a nerd living in a redneck world. I lived in North Idaho when I was a kid surrounded mostly by farming and tourist industries and it just seemed to me that nobody was interested in the things that I was into. When I finally got older and was able to get away from that place up in Idaho. The first thing I did was hit every con that I could. Hoping that I would finally start making some real friends and be able to bask in my nerdy interest with others in the same way people in a bar did watching and obsessing about the football game. Of course, that never happen. I found myself dealing with the exact same social problems that I had back home. At first, I though it was because I never learned to socialize with nerdy people. But as time went on and I found myself not making any progress. I started to realize that something wasn't right. The thing is, I never really enjoy going to cons in the first place. But I force myself to go because I always though these where the place that I belonged. I guess the moral of this story is, is the the pictures that you see in the brochure don't always reflect reality. It also didn't help that I didn't know that I was dealing with SPD issues as well and it's because of the SPD issues that I don't go to the cons anymore.

 

[Markness]

Bad relationships are a defining factor of my family. My older brother has had a divorce, two cancelled marriages, and is in a turbulent marriage (One of the cancelled marriages was between them at first). My mother is on her fourth marriage while my father is on his third marriage.