Missing most of my brother's wedding due to sensory overload

[SoftNoise]

Hey there,

Just looking for a few fellow people who know this experience, as I feel very alone in it right now. My brother is getting married this week, and because I get sensory overload so quickly I'll only be able to attend one hour of the whole day. This makes me feel sad and disconnected. I don't know anyone else who has this. I'm hoping some of you have similar experiences to share so I won't feel so alone. Internet hugs are also welcome

I'll now write down the long version of my story to vent. TL;DR the first paragraph of this post contains the essentials.

Today we went to city hall for the civil marriage (the real festivities are later this week when they marry before the church), and my brother asked me to be one of his two witnesses. The ceremony only lasted 10 minutes, and with arriving early to be safe and grabbing coffee and pie afterward, it all lasted for about 1.5 hours. Nevertheless, I got so overstimulated that I've spent the rest of the day in my room with the curtains closed, listening to podcasts and resting my head on my arms a lot. Later this week, on the big day, the festivities will last for about 10 hours in total. I'll only be able to attend about 1/10th of that, and it feels so strange. I know I'm making the right choice, and my brother and my whole family are very accepting and helpful about it, but it still makes me feel disconnected and alone. It also doesn't help that I do not feel the sensory overload while I'm still in the social situation causing it. It only hits when I get home and my head calms down. If I stay longer, I'll be so much worse afterward. It's a frustrating experience.

 

[kay]

I can relate, particularly the part about not feeling the overload until later. Sometimes I feel it while I'm still at an event but I'll still feel it too late. I'm generally good for an hour and a half if I wear earplugs (sometimes ear muffs as well -aka ear defenders) and it's not horribly loud or chaotic.

I would feel left out, too. There are lots of events I have to skip or cut short.

Last B-day party I had to miss the B-day girl was so nice as to save me a piece of cake and have a friend bring it to me. And I didn't ask her to do that, she was just that thoughtful. That helped me a lot. The party would have made me sick but I felt like I missed nothing important
because of the cake.

Can you have something special planned for after you leave the wedding, perhaps a movie and favorite food or something else just for you?
See if you can get someone to save you food and cake for the next day. And if you really want to take part to some degree, what about Skype or something? Maybe a family member or friend might be willing to set up a way for you to be there remotely.

Also, it helps to look at it as an escape. Even NTs often want out of big social events like weddings. 10 hours is too much for most everybody I know.

Congrats on gaining a new sister/or brother in law! Hope it's a good thing.

 

[Mia]

I've been able over the years to attend weddings by doing the photography for the wedding, or at least pretending to, which keeps me occupied during the things, that way I don't have to talk to people other than saying hello. Camera's in your face usually stop people talking to you, too much. BTW People usually hate my photography, as they aren't posed or smiling for it. Catch them by surprise, which seems real to me.

Beforehand I look for places to disappear to, bathrooms, choir stalls, nearby cafes and quiet places like parks. I'll bring earplugs to dampen down the noise, disappear and go for a walk, sit in the car, or wash my hands and face a lot. It does help me in mitigating the damage of noise and music and people talking. Still need to recover afterwards, but it's usually not as bad as when I have to interact as much. You can if you want to, create a situation in which you disappear every few hours for time alone.

The key for me, as in a forewarning that I'm becoming overtaxed, is that I become clumsy, short-tempered, and all around tired and grumpy. That's when I run for cover at these things, and find a quiet place.

 

[Full Steam]

I never knew why weddings caused so much dread for me until I figured AS out.

My wife always used to laugh about a friends wedding where I sat in church sweating and looked like I was attending a traumatic event (I was)

Alcohol allows me to avoid shutdown, so receptions were just about tolerable. Not that I'm recommending alcohol as a tool!

The biggest things for me are idle chit chat, and 360 noise and movement. If I can control them I can keep going longer.

At parties I spend time with the kids. Everyone loves you for it and I shut down the 360 degree input to a smaller area, and shut off chit chat.

Ear phones work best for me, but may be looked down on at a wedding I guess.

I also find motorway journeys and traffic add to it, so I'd keep my eyes shut with ear phones during the journey. Don't try this while driving, as it lead to unwanted destination syndrome.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I also find these types of social activities overwhelming... weddings are the worst.
I would have thought since most are scheduled to the minute that they would be tolerable but the constant noise ... the potential food i won't like ... the uncomfortable attire ... forced chit chat ... agh!
Parties where there are animals or kids are so much easier. They ask less questions which feels less stressful and less demanding.

Since it is immediate family, could you discuss the itinerary with them so you can attend the bits you want ... retreat to a calm place for a bit and then return?

 

[SoftNoise]

Thanks so much for your replies. It makes me feel a lot better to know that I'm not alone. Thanks also for your suggestions, they help me to challenge my thinking about this issue.

Since it is immediate family, could you discuss the itinerary with them so you can attend the bits you want ... retreat to a calm place for a bit and then return?

Yeah, we've already been discussing it, and I picked the part of the day that I think I'll like most. I actually prefer to attend during one continuous time span; it's very hard for me to rest between such occasions. I feel mostly alright about it now. It's really good to know that there are other people who face similar challenges. Thanks again!

 

[Stitch]

I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. It was pretty small and low-key, and I still didn't recover for about a week.

If there's a social event I cannot possibly avoid, I pack earplugs and as many books as I can get away with. If I can scout out a hiding place beforehand I will; if not, I've been known to hide in restrooms for lengthy periods of time. >.> Another thing I do is bring music with me and put the earbud cord down the back of my shirt and then cover the rest of the cord with my hair. Just having the music in the background often helps a lot.
If it's a family event, I'll volunteer to watch my little brother. While that is exhausting in its own right, he also has sensory difficulties, so instead of curling up in a fetal position I can bring my brother outside/to the car/to somewhere else that's less crowded and noisy, and I look like a responsible adult for doing so.

And I agree with Mia -cameras are great to hide behind.