Mom looking for guidance

[jt23_24]

Hi all, my son was diagnosed with high functioning autism/aspergers at 17. We recognized social anxiety in him fairly young, but not autism. Once he became a teen and entered high school, which coincided with the return to school post-covid, his social struggles really got more extreme. He separated from the friend group he'd had and has been pretty solitary in high school ever since. We have tried therapy with a few different therapists and medication for anxiety, but for the most part, things are the same. He's most content listening to music and playing video games, and has online friends that he's talks and laughs with. He's very bright and a good student. He'll be graduating this year and does not know what he wants to do post graduation. He has never been able to talk about his emotions, and when he was young if I could tell something was wrong, I'd give him multiple choice answers to try and get to the bottom of it. Aside from that, when he was young, he would connect, engage and interact easily with family and friends. In new situations or around people he was uncomfortable with, he'd be very quiet. I desperately want that easy connection with him again. Nowadays, he'll play a game with me or go on a hike, if I ask him questions he'll answer them with as few words as possible. It feels like he's there but faraway. It's hard now for me to tell what is due to anxiety and what is due to autism. I just want for him to be happy, to know he's loved and valued, and to feel like he belongs. He's so bright, caring, creative and so funny, he has so much share with those around him, but mostly doesn't. How do I support him and help him get to a place where he can live a happy and fulfilled life?

 

[Tom]

My son was similar in many ways. But he was self motivated to a great degree so we never had to work on that. I don't really have any solid advice except to try and find out what motivates him and perhaps help him investigate different career paths.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

He’s fortunate to have a parent who loves him for who he is!

I don’t have kids, but I think I may have been one once. However, my husband is a high-school teacher, mostly teaching the older kids (14-18).

Firstly, your son he may be autistic but he’s still a 17-year-old lad. As a group, they’re not known for their eloquence or desire to express their innermost thoughts to their parents. Neither are they the demographic most associated with detailed life plans. I think it’s fairly common that the cute boy who would tell you everything turns into an adolescent who communicates mostly in grunts - through a closed door.

If the lack of an “easy connection” is due to him being a 17-year-old lad, he’ll probably grow out of it.

However, that said…

Being autistic, whether you have social anxiety on top of it or not, comes with social difficulties. These difficulties often do not disappear “with practice”. Or at least, I’m in my forties and I’m still waiting.

For me, I think of being autistic and having to interact with neurotypicals as like being an anthropologist studying a lost tribe of cannibals. They have a lot of complex social rituals which they never explain (and may not even understand themselves), but you have to get everything right or you will end up in the stewpot.

Every interaction, every day, is a potential stewpot moment. And you know that at some point you are going to fail, and you’ll end up in with the carrots. This is inevitable.

This is a terrifying way to live. It is also exhausting. Not only because pretending to be “one of them” takes a lot of energy, but the terror itself is debilitating.

I’ve read that a lot of the higher-functioning autistic people get diagnosed late because they can “fake it” (mask) while they are quite young and social interactions are fairly simple. They only start to have problems as they get older and things get more complicated than they can handle.

From my (autistic) perspective, the people you want around you most are those who accept you for who you are, and don’t mind when you make mistakes. And, specifically, don’t try to force you to do things that just add more terror and stress (“Why don’t you go out with your classmates? It will be fun!” [No, it will not be fun. It will be exhausting.])

What constitutes a “good life” varies greatly between people. Some people (autistic or not) have a lot of need for interpersonal contact; others don’t. Your son is an individual, and, autistic or not, may want a different sort of life to you. This doesn’t mean he’s wrong or will inevitably be unhappy. However, being autistic may make it more difficult for him to find his “good life”, so parental support while he figures it out will be important for him.

If you can get past the communication-by-grunts aspect, it might be worth talking about what he wants to do, and what he would like out of life, rather than trying to persuade him to do what you think is best for him, or asking him to “pick a job”. (I can read what I’m writing, and if you can do this with a teenage boy, you are probably a super-parent and should definitely buy a cape.)

There is also the element of what he knows, or believes, about autism. The information you get on diagnosis varies a lot, and what you think you are capable of, or what you think your life will hold, depends a lot on what other people tell you are you capable of - or not. This can work both ways; it’s equally demoralising to be told you “can’t do that because you’re autistic” or to “buck up and get on with it!” if you know it’s something unreasonably terrifying and stressful. This does not make your life as the parent of an autistic offspring any easier.

If he’s interacting with people online, at least he’s interacting with people. Online is safer and easier than real life, because it’s more controlled and controllable.

In real life, I have one real friend - I do have other people I’m friendly with, but my social relationships are all “contingent” - they exist because we have something (usually a location or pursuit) in common. When I move on… I move on. However, that’s not to say the relationships I have are not good ones, and bring me happiness for their duration. Your son might be the same. I think, if you’re autistic, it helps to have something to do (or at least something in common to talk about) when socialising.

When it comes to a career, you didn’t say what he’s graduating from, or in. However, it’s not unusual for students not to know what they’re going to do after university until quite late on - sometimes they don’t even figure it out until the Job Fair, or not until after that. My (very much not autistic) husband, for example, did not plan to be a low-level civil servant after university: that was just what turned up. His plan was mostly, “….and if all else fails, the army.” Teaching was a fourth-career thing (he was very bad at selling insurance, for example).

To be a bit more proactive about it, the things to consider are:
- Ambitions
- Qualifications
- Skills/abilities (brilliant at programming? cooking? Terrible at spelling?) - and don’t forget to think of the advantages, if any, autism brings (e.g. task focus, pattern-spotting etc)
- Interests
- Barriers and disabilities (social, sensory, etc).

Make some lists with “essential”, “like to have”, “rather not”, and “absolutely not ever”, and see what it looks like. Maybe ask one of the AIs like ChatGPT if they have any ideas (or a careers service), given the parameters you have worked out.

You and he may not end up with a nice tidy answer like “video game designer” (it happens - the son of one of the people I work with has ended up teaching video game design at university), but you may be able to hash out what a good/ideal job would look like (e.g. “working with animals”, “working with computers”, “in an office”, “outside”, etc), and then go from there.

Don’t limit yourself in what type of jobs to consider, except hard yes/no aspects; some employers are very keen to employ autistic people for their advantages in attention to detail, pattern spotting, task-focus, etc - including the UK’s GCHQ (our intelligence, security and cyber agency - the equivalent of the US’s NSA): 'Daring to think differently and be different'

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I worked with people with developmental disabilities for more than 20 years. Parents of autistic teenagers and young adults have a lot of trouble transitioning from parenting a child, to parenting an adult.

It’s important to remember children go through developmental stages. The appropriate developmental task for teens and young adults is to separate from their parents.

This is an extremely difficult time for all parents, at least in Western society.

It is “normal” for him to not talk much to his parents. He is not going to want to be pals with you. He isn’t likely to like the same people or activities. He is becoming his own person and will no longer be your little boy.

I’m a parent too. I know how wrenching this can be. Courage, brave mother.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I went through my teens not knowing I was autistic. I inescapeably, undeniably knew I was weird. I just didn't know why. I thought I was uniquely weird. I also went through my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and partway into 60s still not knowing.

Most of my life has been solitary. Before the internet, I was on Ham Radio (my first special interest was electronics and radio). Ham Radio in a lot of ways was the original Social Media. Not seeing people I talked with removed most of the awkwardness of socializing for me. I could talk to a complete stranger because the very fact that we had earned our radio licenses and were on the air gave us something in common to start from. Some conversations never got beyond locations and our respective equipment, because we didn't have anything else in common, but some of those anonymous strangers became lifelong friends I still talk to (and have never met in person).

The internet is a less disciplined version, but has a lot of similarities to Ham Radio. I certainly would have found online friends like your son has if the internet had been around. Non autistic people often notice something is "off" about us within seconds of meeting us and often avoid us. That makes it difficult at best for us to make friends "in real life".

And like someone said above, most 17 year old guys find it very awkward to hang around with their parents.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Non autistic people often notice something is "off" about us within seconds of meeting us and often avoid us. That makes it difficult at best for us to make friends "in real life".

This is a real thing. It seems to be because autistic people’s facial expressions and body language (plus tone of voice etc) is different to neurotypicals.

The avoidance-instinct seems to operate at an unconscious level, and isn’t related to what the neurotypical person knows or believes about autism. (Neurotypical Peers are Less Willing to Interact with Those with Autism based on Thin Slice Judgments - Scientific Reports)

I think it may be related to (or the same as) the “Uncanny Valley” effect in robotics and animation, in which human-like entities are judged to be increasingly “nice/friendly” until they get to very close to “actually human” - and then they suddenly start to seem weird/creepy. Nobody quite knows why the “Uncanny Valley” exists, but it seems to be a fear reaction to something that looks and acts like a human - but isn’t quite.

Autistic people are human (!) but our differences in body language etc trigger the same sort of weird/creepy vibe because they are not what neurotypicals are used to.

Additionally, there’s the “double-empathy” problem (The double empathy problem), where differences in how we display emotion and communicate it differs from neurotypical people. This has the result that autistic people find it difficult to interpret how neurotypicals are feeling (as we all know) - but equally, it goes the other way and neurotypicals can’t interpret how autistic people are feeling either.

“I can’t tell what you’re thinking” is something that gets said to me a lot (including by people who know me well). Sometimes with the implication that I’m being deliberately opaque or hiding things. But I’m not. That’s just my face. Sort of like, “resting autistic face”.

Social interactions where facial/body language isn’t a factor (such as video games where you interact through an avatar, or online forums where it’s all text) could therefore be easier and more rewarding for an autistic person because it allows them to be judged as a potential friend on what they say and do, without the “uncanny valley” or “double-empathy” effects interfering.

Of course, very few people manage to live happily and independently without much/any contact with other humans (due to job, groceries etc), so you do have to learn to deal with neurotypicals at least on a professional/functional level, and potentially at least a surface social level. But that will come (especially with parental support!) and will probably be easier if he already has online friends. Not only because conversational practice is conversational practice, but also the knowledge that SOME people like you gives confidence and some insulation from the inevitable social failures.

There is also the practical element of independent living. Can he cook, clean, shop, and do laundry? I ask because it's not uncommon for non-autistic teenagers not to have daily living skills nowadays (and even when I went to university, some people didn't know how to do their own laundry). Sometimes, autistic people have more problems with this - either figuring out how it all works, managing the social element (I shop at the big supermarket and use the self-service checkouts so I don't have to make polite conversation with the checkout person), or managing the executive function of just organising and doing it all. Knowing how to do this, and having confidence in one's ability to look after oneself as an independent adult is also likely to give confidence in other areas.

What helps is often not "You need to practice buying milk at the corner shop even though it's scary and you're bad at it", but rather, "You don't like going to the corner shop because you have to talk to the (nice!) person behind the counter, so why not go to the supermarket instead?"

Remember that being autistic makes difficult or stressful things that neurotypicals find easy or pleasurable. And that often doesn't go away with practice. The best way forward is sometimes to work out an alternative way of getting to the goal (e.g. milk) that works but is less stressful.

You can't "learn not to be autistic" - the best way forward is to accept autism and work with it, rather than against it. This is probably particularly hard when you're not autistic yourself (so no direct experience) and your autistic person is a 17-year-old lad who isn't the most eloquent communicator. Hard, but do-able with patience!

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @jt23_24!

May I ask which country you are in...?

 

[VAW]

Hi all, my son was diagnosed with high functioning autism/aspergers at 17. We recognized social anxiety in him fairly young, but not autism. Once he became a teen and entered high school, which coincided with the return to school post-covid, his social struggles really got more extreme. He separated from the friend group he'd had and has been pretty solitary in high school ever since. We have tried therapy with a few different therapists and medication for anxiety, but for the most part, things are the same. He's most content listening to music and playing video games, and has online friends that he's talks and laughs with. He's very bright and a good student. He'll be graduating this year and does not know what he wants to do post graduation. He has never been able to talk about his emotions, and when he was young if I could tell something was wrong, I'd give him multiple choice answers to try and get to the bottom of it. Aside from that, when he was young, he would connect, engage and interact easily with family and friends. In new situations or around people he was uncomfortable with, he'd be very quiet. I desperately want that easy connection with him again. Nowadays, he'll play a game with me or go on a hike, if I ask him questions he'll answer them with as few words as possible. It feels like he's there but faraway. It's hard now for me to tell what is due to anxiety and what is due to autism. I just want for him to be happy, to know he's loved and valued, and to feel like he belongs. He's so bright, caring, creative and so funny, he has so much share with those around him, but mostly doesn't. How do I support him and help him get to a place where he can live a happy and fulfilled life?

This sounds so much like my son, I always felt like I wasn't getting to him, like you said distant. I was very concerned, but we didn't have him diagnosed until he was in his 20's. He was so intelligent, and I felt like he could do anything but not social. It wasn't until I got on this site that I started to understand him a bit more and allowed him to be who he was. IT is the hardest for a parent because we want our children to soar and fit in. Now he is 36 and he has conquered some pretty hard milestones like driving a car which he never wanted to do, he works out at the gym and has actually talked to them in a quick conversation. He goes to the doctor by himself now and does his own grocery shopping. He was so smart and good looking and could have anything in life but that is not his life. Took me a long time to realize that their brain functions different from ours and we can't expect them to be who we think they should or could be. Since I can understand him more our communication is so much better. He still has his times when he won't answer me or he feels the anxiety very hard so I give him that space. He is a great person on his own terms and that is okay. He pushes himself when he feels like he can and he grows within his own time.