hi! I'm the mother of a 22 yr old girl. She got diagnosed with asperger a few days ago, and tomorrow she will be leaving home for the first time to study at university (the two things are not connected!) so it will be her first time living alone BUT together with strangers. I tried to find an answer to my question in the various threads but I am so stressed and I can't think straight so I can't find exactly what I'm looking for...she is a wonderful person, but being an aspie she ends up looking very weird to "normal" people, and she never left home to live alone before now, let aside sharing space and services with perfect strangers. Is it advisable to tell her room mates (both girls and boys) that she has Asperger from day one, should she wait, or shouldn't she ever mention it? We live in norway and socialising is almost mandatory everywhere. Thanks!
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Moving out, sharing a room at dorm
- Thread starter Adri
- Start date
how do people in Norway Street people on the autism spectrum that might help you decide
ah my blasted phone stupi stupid microphone
i actually said treat people
i actually said treat people
is she introvert or extrovert
a lot of introverts just avoid any kind of confrontation
Sportster: I think I agree with you, that's a quite sensible way to address the issue.
Streetwise: she's introvert. And people here are most often quite ignorant, so they would probably think that she is just officially weird. But maybe if they know the will overlook her hidiosyncrasies....
I suppose I'll take the advice and tell her to let the RD know but not her roommates.
You where very helpful, thanks!
Streetwise: she's introvert. And people here are most often quite ignorant, so they would probably think that she is just officially weird. But maybe if they know the will overlook her hidiosyncrasies....
I suppose I'll take the advice and tell her to let the RD know but not her roommates.
You where very helpful, thanks!
I never went to UNI for study. But I did stay in a dorm for 2 days while away with a church group. I would have to say that for me, it wasn't a good experience. I could not get any sleep because of all the noise that was going on in the building. BTW: this was a "Christian" based university and I would've expected better behavior from the other students there, but that wasn't the case.
Maybe Norway is different, but University students in the US embrace the weird. It's the perfect time in life to get piercings and dye your hair crazy colors, since that won't be allowed in many professional settings. University students have the privileges of an adult without many of the responsibilities. Your daughter may find it hard to socialize, but it is likely that her quirks won't be an issue to her peers.
I can't give advice on whether it's best to tell people she's on the spectrum or not - but for me, I would always rather NOT tell people. But "weird" is vague - there can be "unique/quirky" and then just "offputting/annoying/creepy". I know there is a fine balance between self-expression and self-modulation to fit in, but I find at least learning to give the appearance of normal really can help reduce the social problems that can come our way. If it's clothing or mannerisms or especially social skills, I would suggest helping her work on those.
louloulovesdogs
Active Member
Hi, I'm 23 and just diagnosed myself. However, I have shared many rooms. I went to boarding school for high school and then university as well, I shared a room 2 years in high school and 3 years in uni. I think she will adjust, and it's totally up to her to tell people. I obviously didn't have a diagnosis, so I didn't tell anyone, but when I moved into my first dorm, everyone did think I was weird. they thought i was rude because I didn't smile at them and didn't make eye contact. But then once I started to feel comfortable I opened up and they realized I was "just shy" at first and we laughed about it later. I also find that personally, I do better socially in situations where everyone is new. Because for everyone everything is kind of awkward so if you do something stupid who cares. But if I were her, I would figure it out once i get there. If it seems like people are accepting of her being a little "weird" then just roll with it, if they seem a little bit like "why is she doing that" then I feel like she could slip it into casual conversation that she's an aspie. Often at the beginning of a rooming situation there is some sort of vocal establishment of rules like please mark your food, do your dishes, no loud music at these times. That would be an easy time for her to say like hey I like to have a good amount of quiet alone time every day because I have aspergers and being around people constantly can be overwhelming for me, so don't think it's rude if I slip away.
Quarks may not be so much an issue as sensory issues may be. She may find herself not getting a good nights sleep because of all the noise.
BTW: I did 6 months at a boarding school, and the dorms were quiet because of some strict curfew rules and I was paired with a roommate the I believe was an aspie.
I don't want to be a "party-pooper' but I think you ought to be prepared for some difficulty. It was time for me to go to college: my father drove me there (10 hours!) and when we arrived, I went straight to my dorm room; 3 beds in a 10' x 12' room! I freaked out. By the time my father arrived with my suitcases, I had to tell him I couldn't live with 2 other girls in the tiny room. Long story short; we drove home in total silence! My mother was extremely angry for a long time. The truth was, I just wasn't READY for college. I had not yet been diagnosed with Asperger's, so the whole event was a mysterious calamity.
I found a job instead; eventually moved out on my own, and did graduate college in my own way and in my own time.
I found a job instead; eventually moved out on my own, and did graduate college in my own way and in my own time.
I usually discuss everything with my daughter, and I must say that she manages ok but at the same time she asks me for advice all the time...this time I couldn't help her, that 's why I asked here. By the way, today we are going to her new place and I woke up at 05:00 realizing that it's really happening. I hope she will cope. The dorms here are actually small apartment houses and she will have her own room in a shared apartment with two girls and a boy.
dragonwolf
Well-Known Member
I've done the apartment dorm thing, and it's better than the sardine arrangement. It'll take some getting used to, but if she's more on the "Aspie" end, she'll likely be alright.
I think it will help that she knows she's autistic, even if she never tells anyone else, because then she can better equip herself. For example, she can request from her bedroom mate that she get some time in the bedroom to herself each day.
I'd make sure she knows she can set and enforce personal boundaries and know that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't feel safe or right doing, regardless of what anyone else says.
I think it will help that she knows she's autistic, even if she never tells anyone else, because then she can better equip herself. For example, she can request from her bedroom mate that she get some time in the bedroom to herself each day.
I'd make sure she knows she can set and enforce personal boundaries and know that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't feel safe or right doing, regardless of what anyone else says.
Does the University know she has Asperger's? If they know, there should be no issue, as for her "Peers", if they think she's "weird" that's THEIR problem not hers.
Think the biggest hurdle will be the changes for her. A different setting and people. One of my aspie friends has a son who was studying at university. He finished his undergraduate degree and was offered a place to take his masters. No one heard from him. My friend tried phoning and email, no answer at the college. Eventually she drove the eight hours to find her son. He wouldn't leave his dorm room as he liked it where he was. And had gone into hiding so he didn't have to leave. People were bringing him food from the cafeteria and leaving it at his door.
It was the idea of a change that sent him into a meltdown and then into hiding. Eventually she coaxed him out of his dorm room and he did go on to the new university. Completing his masters and later another university. So a little heads up, as change is difficult for aspies even if they don't show it in any other way than to stay in their room for days at a time.
It was the idea of a change that sent him into a meltdown and then into hiding. Eventually she coaxed him out of his dorm room and he did go on to the new university. Completing his masters and later another university. So a little heads up, as change is difficult for aspies even if they don't show it in any other way than to stay in their room for days at a time.
Last edited:
muffi86
one & only since '86!
I think it'll be good for her to sign up to this website.
I was 28 when diagnosed. Now 31. In these past 3 years I've kept coming back to this site (even though I hardly ever post anything). I do it for reassurance I'm "normal" in my own way, to see how other aspies think/do/copes in different situations and because, like you said, this is a friendly and safe environment to be yourself when the outside doesn't seem to understand.
I'm from Denmark and I think maybe we're kinda the same - the Danes and the Norwegians.
I don't know how your daughter is but I'm a "high functioning" aspie, so people just find me quirky if I don't tell them.
And most people like me for it... I think.
Quirky with a smile and a laugh - it goes a long way!
Also, as someone already said, quirky in school might be a great thing - everyone is trying to find out who they are.
I wish her all the best!
I was 28 when diagnosed. Now 31. In these past 3 years I've kept coming back to this site (even though I hardly ever post anything). I do it for reassurance I'm "normal" in my own way, to see how other aspies think/do/copes in different situations and because, like you said, this is a friendly and safe environment to be yourself when the outside doesn't seem to understand.
I'm from Denmark and I think maybe we're kinda the same - the Danes and the Norwegians.
I don't know how your daughter is but I'm a "high functioning" aspie, so people just find me quirky if I don't tell them.
And most people like me for it... I think.
Quirky with a smile and a laugh - it goes a long way!
Also, as someone already said, quirky in school might be a great thing - everyone is trying to find out who they are.
I wish her all the best!
dragoncat16
Active Member
In my experience, my time at university was the best for me socially, and I started at 16. Having roommates might be difficult, but I bet she'll eventually find a niche of like-minded people with whom to sped time with, especially if she picks a geeky subject such as physics as her major, but even if she doesn't. Best wishes to you and your daughter.
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