My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common?

[Darrelyn]

Recently, a 16 year old male spent a lot of time talking to my 24 year old female cousin, as they were together a lot during play rehearsals. He comes from a family of 14 children, and loves to joke, talk, and make people laugh - he loves attention. My cousin is the quintessential good listener; who will sit for hours listening, while not saying much herself. After the younger cousin's mom mentioned to me that she thought the young man had a crush on her daughter, I started paying more attention and realized that he didn't seem particularly interested in her, but seemed to love the undivided attention. I believe my younger cousin has pinned her hopes on this 16 year old, as she and her mother have even switched churches to be near him, now that the plays are over.

I can't understand why her mother doesn't see this as a potentially heartbreaking scenario, and seems to fully support her daughter in this. I'm certain they both have AS, but neither has been diagnosed. In fact, they haven't even considered the idea of it.

So, I guess my question is: Is this type of thinking common with Aspies? Does this seem unusual to you? And, can I guide them in this?

Thanks in advance.

 

[kg4fxg]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

It is not uncommon for an Aspie to gravitate toward Adults or older women. They are more patience, listen, don't make fun of you. It is also written in Tony Attwoods "The Guide to Aspergers Syndrome" book.

I had more adult friends growing up than I did friends my own age as a teen. The older you are the more difficult it is to get diagnosed. You learn good coping skills, girls learn to act and mimic behavior. (Per mentioned book). I probably should not bring this up but in High School my girl friend was in her 30's. And you can read between the lines. It lasted about 5 years. I don't ever regret it.

Boys will find more compassion among females, and if he does something odd they will write it off as he is just a boy. Unfortunately, boys could tease him because he could take on feminine mannerisms. So the book says. Same with Aspie girls being friended among boys as a Tom Boy.

The best advice, read several books about Aspergers, you will know right away if he has it. Look at my signature, there are on-line tests you can take which is not a diagnosis but if you score in the Aspie range I would not discount it either. Look up books by John Elder Robison besides the one by Tony Attwood.

 

[cheetoe80]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

That's interesting. I never viewed older women as being an option back in school. always thought that if I had a gf back then she would be younger.

 

[2010Dolby]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

That's interesting. I never viewed older women as being an option back in school. always thought that if I had a gf back then she would be younger.

Yea, thats the same idea I had. Actually, I've only had one girlfriend that was older then me. And she was only older by 4 months.

I think that question is a bit to wide for a simple answer, but Im not a psychology expert at all. What I can say is that aspies arent necessarily attracted to older partners because theyre older, but probably because its easier to form a connection. Not a "cougar-fetish" or anything like that. Sorry I cant contribute any more to the topic!

 

[epath13]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Recently, a 16 year old male spent a lot of time talking to my 24 year old female cousin, as they were together a lot during play rehearsals. He comes from a family of 14 children, and loves to joke, talk, and make people laugh - he loves attention. My cousin is the quintessential good listener; who will sit for hours listening, while not saying much herself. After the younger cousin's mom mentioned to me that she thought the young man had a crush on her daughter, I started paying more attention and realized that he didn't seem particularly interested in her, but seemed to love the undivided attention. I believe my younger cousin has pinned her hopes on this 16 year old, as she and her mother have even switched churches to be near him, now that the plays are over.

I can't understand why her mother doesn't see this as a potentially heartbreaking scenario, and seems to fully support her daughter in this. I'm certain they both have AS, but neither has been diagnosed. In fact, they haven't even considered the idea of it.

So, I guess my question is: Is this type of thinking common with Aspies? Does this seem unusual to you? And, can I guide them in this?

Thanks in advance.

Do you mean the mother and the daughter both supposingly have AS?
I love your avatar btw, awesome!
Anyway it reminds me of a story from the time when I was in my late teens, I had a friend, a nice young guy, he was also 16. 2 older girls (28 and 30 or 28-26...possibly) went absolutely crazy about him, they both were, what would you call, obsessed, and they were not on the spectrum.
I think it's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to get obsessed with something or someone but NT do it too. My only suggestion, express your opinion, if the women can't accept the truth, they would have to learn it hard way, nothing you can do really, it's heir lives after all. You can also try to pull "under age" card maybe that will work... Anyway, when somebody's obsessed like this, sometimes it's better to learn hard way and get disappointed, sort of like a harsh reality check. But...you or someone else, who thinks the same way, can always try to reason with them...

 

[Darrelyn]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Do you mean the mother and the daughter both supposingly have AS?

Yes, the mother and daughter. I guess I didn't make that clear in my original post. My cousin is the 24 year old female with AS with the feelings for the younger guy.

My only suggestion, express your opinion, if the women can't accept the truth, they would have to learn it hard way, nothing you can do really, it's heir lives after all.

I probably will (express my opinion), now that I've got a little better perspective, and it is their lives. Although, I know from my experience with them that they don't really listen to the opinions of others. I think they believe they have it all worked out - all the time. :S

You can also try to pull "under age" card maybe that will work...

Might as well give that a try... And thanks for your help and the avatar compliment!

 

[HelloDizzy]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

I could see why your 24 year old cousin may end up crushing on someone who's 16. A younger guy may be less judgmental and as a general rule, Aspies can feel and even look way younger than they are.

 

[cheetoe80]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

I could see why your 24 year old cousin may end up crushing on someone who's 16. A younger guy may be less judgmental and as a general rule, Aspies can feel and even look way younger than they are.

I didn't think she was saying that the age difference was the problem here.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Maybe not, but legally it is.
24 and 16 year old is not yet appropriated.rw

 

[cheetoe80]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Maybe not, but legally it is.
24 and 16 year old is not yet appropriated.rw

Even if the AOC is 18 in her state I seriously doubt some girl who still lives at home would run into legal problems from dating a 16 year old guy especially if she looks younger.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

She asked if it was common, the age aspect.
I answered the question.

 

[kasmanaft08]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

It is not uncommon for an Aspie to gravitate toward Adults or older women. They are more patience, listen, don't make fun of you. It is also written in Tony Attwoods "The Guide to Aspergers Syndrome" book.

I had more adult friends growing up than I did friends my own age as a teen. The older you are the more difficult it is to get diagnosed. You learn good coping skills, girls learn to act and mimic behavior. (Per mentioned book). I probably should not bring this up but in High School my girl friend was in her 30's. And you can read between the lines. It lasted about 5 years. I don't ever regret it.

Boys will find more compassion among females, and if he does something odd they will write it off as he is just a boy. Unfortunately, boys could tease him because he could take on feminine mannerisms. So the book says. Same with Aspie girls being friended among boys as a Tom Boy.

.

I've heard this as well (in the same book), and when I was younger felt more comfortable more with older kids than those who were my age. The strange contrast is, I've never dated anyone older than me and have a difficult time seeing myself seriously with a much older man (although really they haven't been that much younger). I have noticed that the more I get older, the more I feel comfortable talking with people who are younger than me as opposed to older. I also agree with the boys thing- I tend to feel way comfortable talking to guys or the rare instance I come across a girl who is like me.

With that said, I do find 16 to be way to young for a relationship (I'm 25 so I can kind of imagine it). I could be friends with a 16 year old, but I could never see myself dating anyone that young, it would honestly make me feel creepy. I'm not saying everyone who is attracted to a teenager is necessarily a pedo or any form of creepy- I think for a lot of people with AS, it's not necessarily a preference or a criteria of any sort, but just how it turns out. It can be very difficult to meet people who you identify with, and it's safe to say those with AS have a high risk of misjudging others and situations. I've had my share of horrible relationships because of stuff like that.

But the age gap is a bit big for comfort, which I couldn't say would likely make for a healthy relationship in the long run (16 still is pretty young maturity-wise) and there's also, depending where you are, the legal risk they'd have to consider.

I suppose there's of course, exceptions...but the likelyhood of that working out well doesn't sound very good.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

I was always attracted to younger guys- like a year younger. Or the same age but short. The youngest guy I dated was nearly two years younger (bad idea as it turns out). My husband is two months younger and a grade below me in school. The younger people seem safer and are easier to get respect from. They don't treat you like you are annoying (and aspies get that alot). Of course, this case- 8 years- I think is extreme. I can see how those feelings could happen, but here I think she needs to practice self control and take a reality check. A relationship like that couldn't possibly be good for the sixteen year old and if she really cares, she'll put what's good for him before her desire to be loved and recieve affection.

 

[Grubby]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

I think age differences in relationships are normal. I haven't changed much since I was 16 anyway. Besides, my dad is 15 years my mom's senior and they've been married for 30 years!

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

well for me i have either dated guys younger or the same age as me. In high school my senior year, a freshman wouldn't stop asking me out till i said yes and then broke my heart. I don't really like to go for younger guys just because of the way they act sometimes though i may look younger then i am. I would rather go with an older guy. they seem to show me more respect and try harder to understand me then the younger guys do. I would atleast give it a shot to talk to them and see if you can talk some sense into them (respectfully). Throw in the "age card." if it doesn't work, you will just have to let them learn it the hard way. I have had to learn the hard way in many things and sometimes that's the only way someone will learn something.

 

[Aalo]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Not that OP probably reads these anymore, but I got interested in this topic anyways.

I believe it's completely normal for anyone to get interested in people other than this traditional age frame, in which girl must be three years younger than boy. I say for anyone, not just an aspie, but of course all might have their own reasons for that. I must say that I've almost never been interested in anyone near my age. It's either someone much older (mostly 7-20 years older), wiser and more calm, or someone young (3-9 years younger maybe), though they must not be naive. Still, it's hard to think any young with so much hopes left for their lives would spend more time with unsuccessful me. I've come to notice, that it might be because I find it too difficult to relate anyone near my actual age as I really don't fit into any stereotype for to it.

 

[Ylva]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Yes. When someone can't expect you to be like them because of obvious, compartmentaliseable differences, that in itself is liberating.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

Maybe not, but legally it is.
24 and 16 year old is not yet appropriated.rw

It doesn't sound like they're dating. It's not illegal for 24 and 16 yr old to innocently be around each other.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

It doesn't sound like they're dating. It's not illegal for 24 and 16 yr old to innocently be around each other.

And I never said it was. But if romantic feelings are involved, anything sexual would be considered illegal, so it would be well-advised to keep it PG until the male is of age.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Re: My 24 year old AS female cousin is interested in a 16 year old boy. I this common

And I never said it was. But if romantic feelings are involved, anything sexual would be considered illegal, so it would be well-advised to keep it PG until the male is of age.

Agreed. But if he's not interested in her, it might never become an issue.