My 3.5 year relationship with an Aspie

[Classikassy]

Background- I'm a 22 college graduate and my BF is diagnosed Aspie (with other disorders) and is 23 years old. We've been together about 4 years, 1 year normal, 2.5ish years long distance and now 6 months living together.

*breath* okay!

So, I have always been more than understanding of my boyfriends diagnosis. I try to give him the benifit of the doubt in situations that upset me (although sometimes I feel like it's not his Asp. But him being selfish). I get him back on track, remind him to take his meds, register for ect semesters courses... His mom handles his bills, insurnace etc. so he has been given very little responsibility in his life.

I guess what I'm getting too is I am starting to feel under appreciated. We RARELY spend time together anymore. A typical day for him is wake up around noon, go to class, play videos games (work from 5-10 if it's one of the 3 days he works, then video games at 10:15) until about 2am, the repeat. I am just not sure how to approach the situation that I think he's spending too much time locked away in a spectate room and the only time I see him is maybe an hour when I'm home from work for dinner, or when he wants "satisfied" (which is like.. 1-2 times a day minimal.. Anyone else seen this in an Aspie?)

I don't want to upset him or make him feel as if I'm.. Being overwhelming in my request, but it's getting kind of ridiculous.

Another thing is we've talked about moving to Florida together in a little over a year when he graduates (quite the move from OH). I've *sorta* expressed my concern for the lack of commitment we have.. Stating "well what if I move down there and we break up.." But he never responds and ignores it. I'm gonna be straight forward for the sake of hopefully getting good advice- I want to marry him. I love him. But I get this feeling he thinks "why do I have to marry you to prove I love you". I come to this conclusion after a dinner discussion on how ridiculous it was that a peer of his spent $200 on his gf for Christmas because "that's an entire paycheck!". I tried to explain that to me it's not a money about but the thought and having something nice? I used this analogy- it's like spending $1,000 on a ring. It's not that the ring cost $1,000, it's that you had to plan it, you had to save for it so you could offer something nice. It's the thought. But if you could spend $40 and get that ring like 99% off then you should.. Because it's not the price tag that really matters".

That totally threw him off and pissed him off. I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I understand he pretty much needs direct words and what I exactly want. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure saying I want him to marry me is going to have him running away because it's stressful and he "doesn't understand the big deal".

Wow, sorry to the so much. I guess I have a lot more on my mind than I thought...

 

[oleranchhand]

Background- I'm a 22 college graduate and my BF is diagnosed Aspie (with other disorders) and is 23 years old. We've been together about 4 years, 1 year normal, 2.5ish years long distance and now 6 months living together.

*breath* okay!

So, I have always been more than understanding of my boyfriends diagnosis. I try to give him the benifit of the doubt in situations that upset me (although sometimes I feel like it's not his Asp. But him being selfish). I get him back on track, remind him to take his meds, register for ect semesters courses... His mom handles his bills, insurnace etc. so he has been given very little responsibility in his life.

I guess what I'm getting too is I am starting to feel under appreciated. We RARELY spend time together anymore. A typical day for him is wake up around noon, go to class, play videos games (work from 5-10 if it's one of the 3 days he works, then video games at 10:15) until about 2am, the repeat. I am just not sure how to approach the situation that I think he's spending too much time locked away in a spectate room and the only time I see him is maybe an hour when I'm home from work for dinner, or when he wants "satisfied" (which is like.. 1-2 times a day minimal.. Anyone else seen this in an Aspie?)

I don't want to upset him or make him feel as if I'm.. Being overwhelming in my request, but it's getting kind of ridiculous.

Another thing is we've talked about moving to Florida together in a little over a year when he graduates (quite the move from OH). I've *sorta* expressed my concern for the lack of commitment we have.. Stating "well what if I move down there and we break up.." But he never responds and ignores it. I'm gonna be straight forward for the sake of hopefully getting good advice- I want to marry him. I love him. But I get this feeling he thinks "why do I have to marry you to prove I love you". I come to this conclusion after a dinner discussion on how ridiculous it was that a peer of his spent $200 on his gf for Christmas because "that's an entire paycheck!". I tried to explain that to me it's not a money about but the thought and having something nice? I used this analogy- it's like spending $1,000 on a ring. It's not that the ring cost $1,000, it's that you had to plan it, you had to save for it so you could offer something nice. It's the thought. But if you could spend $40 and get that ring like 99% off then you should.. Because it's not the price tag that really matters".

That totally threw him off and pissed him off. I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I understand he pretty much needs direct words and what I exactly want. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure saying I want him to marry me is going to have him running away because it's stressful and he "doesn't understand the big deal".

Wow, sorry to the so much. I guess I have a lot more on my mind than I thought...

Youth is wasted on the young. Are you on the autistic spectrum?

 

[Judge]

I don't know about neurological incompatibility concerns, but it seems that the two of you are at very different levels of maturity. With no guarantee that the passage of time can rectify matters.

 

[oleranchhand]

I don't know about neurological incompatibility concerns, but it seems that the two of you are at very different levels of maturity. With no guarantee that the passage of time can rectify matters.

You are in yr younger twenties. I find as I age the more youthful I feel the better it be [emoji12] ... Does the original poster reside on The autistic spectrum. I find compatibily between nuts and auties rather troublesome. His routine is that a routine. From my experience. If you were a bigger part of his routine. That would be his routine.

 

[Classikassy]

I am not on the autism spectrum. I'm sorry this came over as a vent as I had just so much on my mind.

I may be in over my head thinking so far ahead.. Honestly I had no intention of putting a stronger label than BF/GF for many years until the talk of moving to Florida started. I suppose I am Nervous to make such a big move.

I am trying to make time together more of a routine. The same night I posted the original posting (about a week ago) I read through some other topics and decided to approach him directly with how I felt about our limited time together. I was very straight forward and explained that his time alone in his bedroom is a hobby for him and maybe even a habit, but that I was starting to feel ignored and like we never spend time together. That it is a sad situation because I know we both love each other immensely but don't have time to express it or connect as often as I'd like over the past few months. I could tell he was upset to hear I felt like this. And I asked him to consider some ideas/solutions to this that he felt comfortable with. Over the past 5.5 days things have been better. We have spent more time talking about our days and having meals together rather than him at ones time and me at another. He also doesn't close the door to the room with his computer while he is using it (unless the cat is bugging him and doesn't mind if I sit with him while I do homework and chit chat.

I'm starting to feel better about things.

 

[artfull dodger]

He is very fortunate to have you kassy. I am very happy you two are doing better now. Being direct with him is best. It took a profesional therapist talking to my wife and I for her to understand that only thru direct communication will I understand what she needs from me. Any other way I just do not understand or misread. So if she needs held, she tells me that, if she needs a hug, still tells me. Over the last several months with help from both my therapist and my wife, I can many times catch on my own when she needs this, but not always. She doesn't get upset at me when I just get up and go to bed, or if I am getting irritable and not controling myself well, she will tell me to go to bed. I wish you both well, I know how hard it is from the Aspie side to even start a relationship, let alone keep it going. My wife truely loves me and has made a big effort to better understand how to communicate with, much as you are doing with your BF. Mike and Michele

 

[Judge]

I was very straight forward and explained that his time alone in his bedroom is a hobby for him and maybe even a habit, but that I was starting to feel ignored and like we never spend time together. That it is a sad situation because I know we both love each other immensely but don't have time to express it or connect as often as I'd like over the past few months. I could tell he was upset to hear I felt like this.

One thing you do have to understand about many Aspies is an absolute and routine need for solitude. That's something that isn't likely to change for him. I know it was always an issue when it came to relationships with Neurotypical women. It's a dynamic that NTs seem to have a great deal of trouble understanding and dealing with.

Your challenge is to learn to not take this personally. And it really isn't likely to be personal. It's just something we cannot function without to some degree. It's how we "recover" from social encounters we consider to be stressful that many Neurotypicals may routinely take for granted.

 

[Classikassy]

Thanks for the advice Judge.

I completely understand that his video games and shitting himself away is a coping skill. I am doing better in understanding he's not doing this just because he doesn't want to spend time to me, but because it is just something he does and always has done. As I did say though, he has been more receptive since I spoke with him about it and seems to have taken it into consideration. Which is all I want and all I can expect, and I'm happy that he at least can consider my feeling, even if it does have to be a very conscious effort for him

 

[Judge]

Thanks for the advice Judge.

I completely understand that his video games and shitting himself away is a coping skill. I am doing better in understanding he's not doing this just because he doesn't want to spend time to me, but because it is just something he does and always has done. As I did say though, he has been more receptive since I spoke with him about it and seems to have taken it into consideration. Which is all I want and all I can expect, and I'm happy that he at least can consider my feeling, even if it does have to be a very conscious effort for him

Well...the intense focus on video games might have some wiggle-room somewhere. Hopefully perhaps he can bend a little there. But the need for occasional solitude...that's another matter. Likely less negotiable.