My anxiety ridden brain ruined something I liked and I don't know what to do

[Ya Boi]

Hello. This is my first time posting on this site. I'm still figuring out what is and isn't talked about and how I should word my post, so sorry if this isn't like how posts are supposed to be. I originally posted this on the Aspergers and Autism subreddits, but they got very few responses that didn't help me. So I'm posting it here in hopes I can get more and better advice. Sorry in advance if this isn't relevant to what's normally talked about, but I'm desperate for help on it and I don't know where else to turn to.



There is this manga series that’s based on a light novel that I read and got very into. It was on its way to becoming my special interest (in part in hopes of getting rid of another special interest I had). However, one day when I was looking up fanart for it I found one that depicts a type of event that I get upset reading. I didn’t know if it was just fan art of someone’s headcanon or if it was based on something that happens in the light novels that haven't been adapted, but that didn’t stop my mind from filling me with anxiety about it happening. And since I had started making it my special interest, I couldn’t just let go of it.

These stuck feelings of anxiety and dread have consumed me for the past year and ruined most of my enjoyment of the series. I even started trying to hate the main character as means of having an excuse to drop it. I’m aware that I’m lying to myself, but it’s like my brain is desperately trying to get me to drop it. I’ve been reluctant to drop it a part of me knows I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and I shouldn’t let something that may not happen ruin something I like. But that doesn’t stop me from continuously worrying about it and having every release of a new chapter fill me with dread. The worst part is, if what I’ve heard about the descriptions of the recently released novels are true, the thing I’m worried about is likely to happen in the future, but not for a long time unless I get into the novels.

Where I am now, I’m not sure how much the event that upsets me does now. How much it does seems to vary between series and how invested I am in them. But I’m worried about testing that limit out. It’s especially worrying for this series since it already takes up so much time in my mind that I’m worried if it does happen it will cause insane amounts of anxiety, worrying, and obsessing over it as my mind refuses to let it go.

I’m looking for help on what I should do about this. It’s been nearly a year and I’m sick of worrying about this. Sometimes I tell myself I’m done with it, sometimes I think I’m ok and I wouldn't be bothered if that thing happens, but I don’t know how I will react if it actually happens. I even went so far as to leave a subreddit I liked because some people would post photos or memes from the series occasionally. A new chapter was released at the end of last month, yet the anxiety has kept me from reading it. I used wanting to focus on my comprehensive exam for my master's as an excuse not to read it, but that’s coming to an end and I think a new chapter will be released soon (Update, I finished the exam. I have no excuses now.). I’ve tried looking for something new I can obsess over, but with how my brain functions it might not work. Not only is it hard to stop thinking about it, but my brain will find some loose or not existent way to connect the two and ruin the new thing for me (stuff like this has been happening my entire life. The connections don’t even have to make sense and my brain will still worry about it. I don't get it either and I wish it didn't happen.).

I don’t know what answer I want to hear, but I want nothing more than to put these troubling thoughts to rest.

 

[Bolletje]

Worrying over something that may or may not happen is wasted energy. But, that’s anxiety for you. I can try to convince you to stop being anxious, but it doesn’t usually work that way, does it?

But it seems like you’re really invested in this series and since you don’t know how you would react if the thing you’re worried about happens, and sometimes think you would be okay with it, couldn’t you just keep reading? Dropping a very strong interest over something that might not even happen and that you’re not even sure you would get upset about if it did happen would just be a shame, in my book.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I can understand. When I first saw A Silent Voice (Koe no Katachi), situations in it awakened strong feelings of the isolation I experienced as a teen and young adult. Is what you imagining triggering memories of past trauma? I can state with assurance that avoiding that will not help. I was lucky enough to find an excellent therapist who is skilled in Cognitive Processing Therapy and I have been rewriting the messages I tell myself when I encounter triggers. It has helped me significantly

 

[Ya Boi]

Worrying over something that may or may not happen is wasted energy. But, that’s anxiety for you. I can try to convince you to stop being anxious, but it doesn’t usually work that way, does it?

But it seems like you’re really invested in this series and since you don’t know how you would react if the thing you’re worried about happens, and sometimes think you would be okay with it, couldn’t you just keep reading? Dropping a very strong interest over something that might not even happen and that you’re not even sure you would get upset about if it did happen would just be a shame, in my book.

It's still a mixed bag. Right now I'm leaning toward the dropping it end of the spectrum as the expected release date for the next chapter draws closer. If I do continue reading it I'm not sure how I should go about it. Right now I think I should do it on days when I have nothing planned and would have the time and space needed to process my anxiety, or only on days when I feel up to reading it.

 

[Ya Boi]

I can understand. When I first saw A Silent Voice (Koe no Katachi), situations in it awakened strong feelings of the isolation I experienced as a teen and young adult. Is what you imagining triggering memories of past trauma? I can state with assurance that avoiding that will not help. I was lucky enough to find an excellent therapist who is skilled in Cognitive Processing Therapy and I have been rewriting the messages I tell myself when I encounter triggers. It has helped me significantly

My trauma is seeing that event happen to a character I really liked in a different manga. A really stupid thing to have trauma about, I know. Is there a good way to practice Cognitive Processing Therapy on my own or is there a free service I can use that has it? I've been debating going to a therapist, but I really hate talking about my problems out loud and prefer to write them like this, but my past therapist made me say them out loud and I fear I'd have to do that again with a new one.