Hi all,
I'm one of the lucky ones, only having to wait 4 months for an ASD assessment. How did those of you who got assessments manage the pre-assessment panic?
What if they tell me I'm fine and it's all in my head?
What if they don't understand masking?
What if they are biased against adult women?
What if they only know how kids present?
What if I look "too normal" and they say it's nothing?
What if I look "too autistic" and they tell me I'm faking it?
What if what if what if??
and
How do I relax and be myself?
Any and all experiences welcome. I would love to get your insights.
I got my first autism dx when I was very little because I was so delayed. My mother was told (just like Temple Grandin's mom) that I may never be verbal or possibly even walk. I got another dx in 4th grade. I was socially behind the other children so they held me back. The second year of 4th grade, they gave me a vocabulary test where I scored off the charts. I had been a sci-fi junky since the 1st grade and had read all Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury by that point and also read dictionaries for fun. This is when they decided I was an aspie.
My testing is a bit old so it is hard to remember anything but the shock on the tester's face when he pulled a dictionary off the shelf and started asking me random words and their definitions.
What I would say to you after knowing a lifetime that I am this way... is that you certainly are on the AS. This is something that cannot be missed. There are no other explanations for your life experiences.
Now... here is where I differ from the people doing the assessment and indeed most of the people on the planet. We can only understand what we are by first acknowledging that, although very difficult, what we are is not a disorder but part of the order. We have a function... we had a function. We are an important part of the human equation. By viewing it as a disorder, they cannot see what it is.
Living systems cannot be defined by checklists alone yet the human mind wants things in their places. So...
They don't have a good idea why women "present" differently than men. Or why adults "present" differently than children. They are looking at the wrong things.
My advice is to focus on your difficulties in the NT world. Why are you seeking the assessment? Why do you know you are so different? If you have any issue that an NT might have... I would not bring it up.
Focus on that silly thing they call the theory of mind... how you cannot read non-verbal communication. How you are deeply confused by the rules of society. How you had to "copy" other girls when you were a child because you did not know how to act in social situations. How in social situations with NTs, you need to monitor them closely for changes in behavior that might indicate that you have said "something wrong". Talk about the confusion and stress that this has caused in your life. Avoid focusing on the side effects of the trauma you have suffered (for some that is addictive behavior, others deep depression and isolation). Avoid talking about any abuse you suffered as a child (or adult) as that can lead them into thinking you have another disorder caused by abuse. Avoid talking about bad relationships outside of the communication difficulties that you have had repeatedly.
Be focused and clean in your presentation or they will look for mendacity or another "cause" for your issues.
You are here for a reason... that is because you are "on the spectrum" and clearly so. You make total sense to me and NTs sure as hell don't
