My Aspergers boyfriend broke up with me... but he still wants me around

[hollyofthenorth]

Hi... I am new to this site and in desperate need of advise from an Aspergers perspective.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months- for the last month or so things have been quite difficult with us. There have been a lot of disagreements and there has been a lot of contention. He has expressed a lot that he is stressed about things and that our relationship is part of that. A lot of the time he blames me for how stressed he is and says I need to sort my life out. *I just moved to Denmark from England where he's from- was hit by a car and lost my job and home straight after, so things have been a little crazy since I got here* and he hasn't been able to handle it. So because of the stress of that, plus he has been expressing stress over university, expectations on himself, always needing to work, he has ran himself to the ground and 2 weeks ago he broke up with me. He said that he couldn't do the relationship because it was too much for him, but ever since we have broken up, whenever we are together he holds my hand, cuddles me, we still spend a lot of time together, we talk all the time and it's like nothing has changed, He'd tell me he loves me, that being with me makes him feel safe and calm, that he can't do life without me and he wants me around... but then sometimes his mood changes and he's off with me. Recently he went from being completely fine with me, to completely cold. He wouldn't touch me, he'd flinch every time I touched him, he'd snap at me, he didn't want to talk nothing... and then all of a sudden he was more talkative, opened up a little bit and things were okay... I went round to see him the following day just to check on him because he really looked like he was having a mental break down. And I was just telling him how I'm there for him and care about him and then he went on a massive speech about how I'm the reason he's stressed, because I always have a problem and theres always an argument... I was really upset and expressed my feelings at the level he was, which I shouldn't have done. I have realised that trying to reason with him when he is like that doesn't work... it's better when he is more calm. Later that night we were at a social activity with friends and I was just enjoying myself, chatting with my friends and he kept wanting to get my attention. He'd look over all the time when I'd be talking to another guy and then when we had finished and were going to socialise with each other, he'd grab me and want to play... Afterwards going home, he was back his normal self, being affectionate, wanting to hold my hand, cuddle me... it's confusing.
He gets into these moods where he blames me for everything he's feeling and he never wants to see it from another perspective. I don't know what to do about it because it is breaking my heart. I know that he does love me, he wouldn't act the way he does if he didn't love me or want to be with me. I know that this is just his Aspergers and he's really fighting with himself. He was diagnosed really late and he's had a hard time accepting it and dealing with it and honestly, he doesn't recognise things that he does and that just leaves me not knowing what to do.
I need your thoughts, advise, anything about this whole situation. What do I do. What do you think is going on with him?

 

[shysnail]

So the first thing that jumps out to me, being autistic doesn't stop you being kind of other people. It's very common for autistic people to have times when they're non-communicative and just can't do socializing, even with their favourite people, and this is especially the case in times of high stress. It's a complete withdrawal, back to basic survival kind of thing. I think you likely have to expect that (not that all autistic people withdraw that way, but I would surmise that is what is happening with your boyfriend.) What I don't like from what I read is that he's basically doing whatever he feels like, with no desire to do any giving for your sake.

So, he will withdraw when he's stressed, but want to be lovey-dovey when he has calmed down. He blames you for his stress. Now, if he genuinely can't do a relationship because of stress, fine, break up and be friends. But it seems what he actually wants to do here is have a relationship, but not call it that so there's less demand put on him. You haven't agreed to that. He's decided that on his own.

I think you really need to be able to communicate with him. Sit down with him at a time you're both calm and ask him what the deal is, what your relationship is, and also set expectations of what YOU want in all this. That seems to be lacking here. He's deciding and you're agreeing.

Sorry to hear about your car accident, hope you're on the mend now.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like he isn't ready for the situation that developed. But also he may not be committed or want to be on this track.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

For some reason, this is hitting a nerve and it gives me a very clear picture from his perspective. Maybe I'm wrong and it's something else (perhaps a less than good situation) but the way I see it you just make things way too confrontational.

In my eyes, it's just exactly what he told you. He likes you but you bring too much crap along. He probably just wants to have a simple calm relationship without any confrontation or issues. The flinching and not wanting to be touched tells me you seriously pissed him off, I'm the same when that happens. I am also not sure if you were living together, living together is a whole other load of stress so that would exacerbate everything.

So that's my view on it, stop pissing him off and stop arguing. Maybe I'm wrong and he's a jerk, but the story sounds way too familiar to me.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

So the first thing that jumps out to me, being autistic doesn't stop you being kind of other people. It's very common for autistic people to have times when they're non-communicative and just can't do socializing, even with their favourite people, and this is especially the case in times of high stress. It's a complete withdrawal, back to basic survival kind of thing. I think you likely have to expect that (not that all autistic people withdraw that way, but I would surmise that is what is happening with your boyfriend.) What I don't like from what I read is that he's basically doing whatever he feels like, with no desire to do any giving for your sake.

So, he will withdraw when he's stressed, but want to be lovey-dovey when he has calmed down. He blames you for his stress. Now, if he genuinely can't do a relationship because of stress, fine, break up and be friends. But it seems what he actually wants to do here is have a relationship, but not call it that so there's less demand put on him. You haven't agreed to that. He's decided that on his own.

I think you really need to be able to communicate with him. Sit down with him at a time you're both calm and ask him what the deal is, what your relationship is, and also set expectations of what YOU want in all this. That seems to be lacking here. He's deciding and you're agreeing.

Sorry to hear about your car accident, hope you're on the mend now.

Thank you for your comments, it really helped.
What's interesting is that all of this first started when his exam was approaching- he gets stressed very easily, sets high expectations on himself and has always overthought everything. Relationships have never worked out for him and he expressed that to me when we first got into a relationship, he told me he was scared and that he wanted it to work out because he was tired of them always not and then he has gone and overanalysed every bad moment we have as a trigger for his stress when really the stress first came from what he's thinking and also the exam.
He finishes his exam today and I'm hoping that there are some changes that he notices... But something he did say to me just a couple of days ago was that although we aren't officially together, we are unofficially, we are just figuring things out. He likes where we are at and he wants it to stay that way... I also said what I feel that I want to continue that way as well, I am open to getting back together and want us to work on that, but that he needs to figure out whats going on in his head so that he doesn't keep having these episodes and projecting them onto me because it hurts...
He keeps thinking about us as something long term as well when we talk and does want to spend time with me quite often. Before we broke up, when he was his more stable self he'd talk about us being long term and that being with him makes him feel safe and secure and good and that he actually sees marriage... So I honestly just feel like he knows what he wants but is scared of his feelings.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

For some reason, this is hitting a nerve and it gives me a very clear picture from his perspective. Maybe I'm wrong and it's something else (perhaps a less than good situation) but the way I see it you just make things way too confrontational.

In my eyes, it's just exactly what he told you. He likes you but you bring too much crap along. He probably just wants to have a simple calm relationship without any confrontation or issues. The flinching and not wanting to be touched tells me you seriously pissed him off, I'm the same when that happens. I am also not sure if you were living together, living together is a whole other load of stress so that would exacerbate everything.

So that's my view on it, stop pissing him off and stop arguing. Maybe I'm wrong and he's a jerk, but the story sounds way too familiar to me.

So I actually give him a lot of space- I rarely see him and I never argue- he just switches from being fine one minute and then mad the next for no reason at all. He always starts to arguments, not me, I just sit there and take what he throws at me... and when he calms down he then contradicts everything that he says... Everything I do I do it on his terms because I know that he likes his space and he doesn't like to socialise, so I just leave it to him most of the time and only see him when we are both available to see one another.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Well in that case he just likes the sex. I'd say get rid of him if the preference for such a relationship isn't mutual.

 

[H-Kath]

Is he getting any time to himself without schoolwork? He might need a lot less social interaction when's he's stressed.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

Well in that case he just likes the sex. I'd say get rid of him if the preference for such a relationship isn't mutual.

We actually haven't had sex. We believe in no sex before marriage because of our faith, so it isn't a reason..

 

[GadAbout]

There are two problems this guy has regarding relationships. One is that he has Aspergers, and that's always going to make relationships a little strange. The other is that he just isn't ready to do relationships. Maybe one day he may be, and maybe not.

No doubt he will have big regrets if the two of you no longer see each other. He will miss the good feelings, while also wondering why you had to be so demanding all the time!

I have to ask you what you are getting out of this. You seem to still be there for him, with less recognition than before. If you continue with this guy, get used to never feeling you are getting enough recognition or commitment, and get used to being blamed for the tensions.

I recommend you break it off completely and see other people. If you don't want to do that, read the preceding paragraph again.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

Is he getting any time to himself without schoolwork? He might need a lot less social interaction when's he's stressed.

I do try to give him as much space as possible. We have tried so many times to just see each other like twice a week or something, but then something comes up and we see each other more.. sometimes it's me and sometimes it's him. It just happens...

 

[hollyofthenorth]

There are two problems this guy has regarding relationships. One is that he has Aspergers, and that's always going to make relationships a little strange. The other is that he just isn't ready to do relationships. Maybe one day he may be, and maybe not.

No doubt he will have big regrets if the two of you no longer see each other. He will miss the good feelings, while also wondering why you had to be so demanding all the time!

I have to ask you what you are getting out of this. You seem to still be there for him, with less recognition than before. If you continue with this guy, get used to never feeling you are getting enough recognition or commitment, and get used to being blamed for the tensions.

I recommend you break it off completely and see other people. If you don't want to do that, read the preceding paragraph again.

Thank you for your comment. I really have tried to be understanding of him having Aspergers and that is why I have always given him his space when he's asked for it and never pressured him with anything, because he doesn't respond well to it...

He does give me recognition for my efforts, quite a lot actually, but only when he is in his calm state. After we had argued the other day, he sent me a text message later that day expressing his gratitude to me for always being there for him and supporting him and having such a kind heart and that he admired that... So when he is in his calm states he is fine, it's when he is having an episode (if that's what you could call it) where he gets angry and frustrated that he blames me for everything and is so cold.. but then when he is calm he completely contradicts what he is saying...

 

[Judge]

"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt". Though I wish I hadn't. So many regrets.

From my own perspective, I'd list socialization and my closest personal relationships (in that order) to be the first things to be negatively impacted when I'm under a great deal of stress. And yes- even to a point of breaking up.

And if and when such stress is eventually mitigated, so are personal relationships. Until then however, "rock and roll".

Socialization for those of us on the spectrum can be quite arduous. Even when we welcome them with everything a close relationship has to offer. If and when our lives become overly complex, there's a good chance we may end up having to "ration ourselves" socially to save energy for other hurdles life throws at us. Which can inevitably involve more time alone and even break-ups that we may not truly intend or want.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt". Though I wish I hadn't. So many regrets.

From my own perspective, I'd list socialization and my closest personal relationships (in that order) to be the first things to be negatively impacted when I'm under a great deal of stress. And yes- even to a point of breaking up.

And if and when such stress is eventually mitigated, so are personal relationships. Until then however, "rock and roll".

Socialization for those of us on the spectrum can be quite arduous. Even when we welcome them with everything a close relationship has to offer. If and when our lives become overly complex, there's a good chance we may end up having to "ration ourselves" socially to save energy for other hurdles life throws at us. Which can inevitably involve more time alone and even break-ups that we may not truly intend or want.

Wow I really feel like that was what I needed to hear. I have felt that too and it's the impressions I have been getting from how he has been over the last few weeks even before we broke up... For him, he has had to deal with me moving to Denmark where he is from, the start of our relationship, a new job and a change in education all at the same time and so it's been hard for him, so I guess he is trying to save himself some sanity by rationing himself...
His exam for university is over today and then he doesn't have any added stresses... and that is the biggest one for him at the moment... do you feel that he may calm down and be more receptive to the relationship? He has made comments multiple times since the break up of feeling regret and guilt for doing it and isn't closed off to it not working out...

 

[Judge]

Wow I really feel like that was what I needed to hear. I have felt that too and it's the impressions I have been getting from how he has been over the last few weeks even before we broke up... For him, he has had to deal with me moving to Denmark where he is from, the start of our relationship, a new job and a change in education all at the same time and so it's been hard for him, so I guess he is trying to save himself some sanity by rationing himself...
His exam for university is over today and then he doesn't have any added stresses... and that is the biggest one for him at the moment... do you feel that he may calm down and be more receptive to the relationship? He has made comments multiple times since the break up of feeling regret and guilt for doing it and isn't closed off to it not working out...

Depends on how successful the outcome of all his present stresses may turn out to be. Though at least he's able to verbalize his regret and that he really doesn't want to lose you. Probably all you can really do is to give him space until he's able to ease up and handle the relationship in a way that may be comfortable for him.

 

[Tom]

Everyone has a right to have an opinion, and get upset, but not the right to yell, vent, blame, etc at other people. He has to learn you can't have a close relationship and do those things. Or in other words, you can't have your cake and step on it too.

Yes, Aspies can get upset and stressed out about things, in different ways then NTs. But that's just a fact. The other fact is whether the Aspie can get control of it or not. Want a relationship: get sufficient control of yourself permanently (not that there will not be no failures or setbacks, we are human, but that they don't accept that as good enough and always get back on track again). If the Aspie doesn't want to change or finds they can't, then they can't count on a relationship.

I can't tell you how to make things better. But one approach is to not put up with BS and put the ball back in his court. First off, avoid high stress periods/situations. Get together at relaxed times. But any time he acts up unreasonably, say so and walk away/go home. When he thinks he is ready to act reasonably and enough time has passed maybe try again. I can't see this getting any better unless 1) he recognizes the problems. 2) Wants to do something about them.

Is it useless. No, but it might be hard. But then again I think any good/long term relationship is bound to have hard phases. Along with weak areas Aspies can have some great qualities and be pretty unique individuals.

 

[china autie]

but ever since we have broken up, whenever we are together he holds my hand, cuddles me, we still spend a lot of time together, we talk all the time and it's like nothing has changed, He'd tell me he loves me, that being with me makes him feel safe and calm, that he can't do life without me and he wants me around... but then sometimes his mood changes and he's off with me

Not okay. You are either broken up or you are not.

I'm the reason he's stressed

Not okay. He is blaming you.

I know that he does love me, he wouldn't act the way he does if he didn't love me or want to be with

This does not sound like love.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[AloneNotLonely]

We actually haven't had sex. We believe in no sex before marriage because of our faith, so it isn't a reason..

Oh. Hmm... given that he is Autistic there's actually a possibility he isn't lying about his virginity. So I understand that this might be worth working on. Interesting.

I do not actually believe any this, I have an entirely different world view and I have an extreme dislike of marriage. So in the event that you are lying, remember that you will burn in all hell for eternity (your view, not mine ), but there is hope if you repent now and don't take advantage of this guy. That aside...

You need to have a serious discussion with him. Considering your world view and ultimate goal (life-long marriage and family) you need to get this crap out of the way. There is no "Oh well, maybe, who knows" about it. It might not be his fault due to his Autism, but it certainly has to change if this guy has any chance of becoming a suitable husband. Otherwise you are wasting valuable time. When looking for a spouse 99% of people are not suitable in this day and age, the chances of you ever hitting a good one (that is a virgin to boot) are extremely slim so you have no time to spend on someone that has resistance to work on themselves. This also goes for you by the way, but I am assuming you are being 100% honest when you say it's all him so I'm leaving it out.

Important things to ask him is what causes it. He says it's your fault, so according to him what do you do that triggers it? There is a lot of stress associated with being autistic, so it's not strange to hear that he's barely hanging on by a thread trying to go through school. With you on top of that it's easily too much. But the thing is... if he's going to be a good husband, he at least has to have a diplomatic non-aggressive way of dealing with it. The way he lashes out at you is completely unacceptable and even if there are certain things he says that you do and it's something that you recognize is "annoying" then he is still in the wrong for acting aggressive and emotional.

You need to tell him that you care about him but that there needs to be a rapid change in his demeanor. If he is annoyed by you, stressed, or you are just too much in addition to everything else, then he needs to inform you of that in a calm way. If he is incapable of doing this, then you are going to be stuck with this if you marry him. And it's likely to get worse instead of better, I would imagine your life would be miserable. If you cannot get through to him, then ask him to go for counseling at your church and involve a pastor. The pastor can be a neutral arbiter that can perhaps be of help.

Just make sure you are absolutely sure he is not just "acting". Once you are in (and once you had sex) you are pretty much set for life. So you need to be extremely careful that his intentions are not to deceive. My experience is that if someone acts in a certain manner, they can temporarily change that but they tend to fall back into their old ways sooner or later. I think he is not suitable marriage material, but who knows. Maybe giving him a correct method of dealing with his issues can honestly change the way he interacts with you.

 

[Stardust Parade]

He's using you. It has nothing to do with his aspergers.