My aspergers boyfriend is behaving distant

[Anis9]

Me and my boyfriend with aspergers had a fight because I did not respond to his messages fast enough when I was out with a friend. He deleted every message he sent and we didn't talk for 2 weeks, so I messaged him again and I went crazy because he ignored my texts.

I knew he was angry but he didn't tell me. I sent him many emotional texts that I do not know what's going on and that I am sorry if I had hurt his feelings. But he just stated that he does not have time any more.

Anyways he said he would get in touch with me again in the future when he has time again. I asked him when this is supposed to be, like in a few months? I said that things do not work out for me this way and he said nothing but okay. The thing is that I thought it's over but he is still having a look if I am online. We're basically chatting via a special app, so it means when he is online, it's only to see if I messaged him.

So weird enough he is still looking if I had messaged him, but he will not message me. Why is he still looking? I am still very shocked because of what happened, it was over nothing, we had been so close.

 

[Kalinychta]

Maybe he became overwhelmed. I’ve behaved in a similar way with people many times in my life. I get “overstimulated” and either abruptly pull away or end the relationship/friendship altogether. Maybe this is what happened to your ex-boyfriend? But he is the only one who knows why he did what he did, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to talk about it.

 

[Giraffes]

It's impossible to know what he thinks or feels if he doesn't tell you, so as best you can wait and see if he does.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe he became overwhelmed. I’ve behaved in a similar way with people many times in my life. I get “overstimulated” and either abruptly pull away or end the relationship/friendship altogether. Maybe this is what happened to your ex-boyfriend? But he is the only one who knows why he did what he did, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to talk about it.

You explained this perfectly. I have been overwhelmed. It seems like all my circuit board circuits are blinking and l need to step back and reset my brain. Then l think what just happened?

 

[Alexej]

Welcome @Anis9

Glad to have you with us and hope you find some answers to your questions here.

 

[NecroCurator]

As an aspie husband, I can tell that sometimes if I seem distant I am just dealing with some issues. A fight would certainly count as an issue. I might not myself notice that I am going distant, or that communication is needed. Try to tell him exactly how you feel and why, and that why exactly is it important for him to talk things, and try to make it sound like something else than an accusation. Aspies are not always good at reading tones of voice.

With that being said, some aspies are also assholes, and with their lack of social skills their negative attitudes can sometimes manifest as something truly rude and gross. Try your best to talk things through, so that he will know exactly where you are going. If your best sincere attempts at communications don't work after a while, the problem is with him.

 

[Aspychata]

As an aspie husband, I can tell that sometimes if I seem distant I am just dealing with some issues. A fight would certainly count as an issue. I might not myself notice that I am going distant, or that communication is needed. Try to tell him exactly how you feel and why, and that why exactly is it important for him to talk things, and try to make it sound like something else than an accusation. Aspies are not always good at reading tones of voice.

With that being said, some aspies are also assholes, and with their lack of social skills their negative attitudes can sometimes manifest as something truly rude and gross. Try your best to talk things through, so that he will know exactly where you are going. If your best sincere attempts at communications don't work after a while, the problem is with him.

But we are nice assholes. lol. Just misguided assholes. Once we open our eyes and ears, sometimes we do see beyond the thinking that has protected us in most situations.

 

[Magna]

If it's important enough to you I would recommend you continue to message him periodically telling him that you'd welcome responses from him. You could say that maybe it's too difficult or uncomfortable for him to express his feelings verbally with you on this subject, but that messaging would be a good way for you both to communicate on the subject and then ask how he's been feeling lately about things. If he continues not to respond then you'll have to decide how long you want to continue with messaging with no response.

I wonder if he's been professionally diagnosed or not.

 

[BraidedPony]

I would forget about him and move on. The cons outweigh the pros, in my opinion.

 

[Aspychata]

Do what your heart says.

 

[Wemida]

Maybe he became overwhelmed. I’ve behaved in a similar way with people many times in my life. I get “overstimulated” and either abruptly pull away or end the relationship/friendship altogether. Maybe this is what happened to your ex-boyfriend? But he is the only one who knows why he did what he did, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to talk about it.

This just happened to me 3 weeks ago. The man I love dearly and who loved me dearly had a bad week and abruptly broke things off between us. He has said that he is an “all in/ all out” kind of guy but I honestly thought I’d have to do something adverse or negative in his life to cause such a riff. But we had a wonderful and extremely compatible relationship! I know that it’s his design to not look back or change his mind once it’s made up. But I know he still cares for me even if he tries not to show it. It’s just so shocking and heartbreaking because we were so close. Logically, the reasons he gave for wanting to split made sense. He’s a single dad of a young child, I’m an empty nester. Once school started for his little one, he just couldn’t see where he would have the time he wanted to spend with me and he didn’t think that was fair. But we had already fallen in love so I’m so hurt that he made this unilateral decision without considering an adjustment. I know when he’s focused on something, he can’t juggle a whole lot. And I always felt this underline sense of expendability which he claimed emphatically did not exist. But look where we are now.

My question is did you ever reach back out after you got over those feelings of overwhelm or did you just let relationships/people go? I know he loves me. He said he had to take the romantic component out of it as if it’s some tangible thing or mental calculation. But what happened to his heart, his compassion, his vulnerability? It all just disappeared overnight.

 

[Magna]

This just happened to me 3 weeks ago. The man I love dearly and who loved me dearly had a bad week and abruptly broke things off between us. He has said that he is an “all in/ all out” kind of guy but I honestly thought I’d have to do something adverse or negative in his life to cause such a riff. But we had a wonderful and extremely compatible relationship! I know that it’s his design to not look back or change his mind once it’s made up. But I know he still cares for me even if he tries not to show it. It’s just so shocking and heartbreaking because we were so close. Logically, the reasons he gave for wanting to split made sense. He’s a single dad of a young child, I’m an empty nester. Once school started for his little one, he just couldn’t see where he would have the time he wanted to spend with me and he didn’t think that was fair. But we had already fallen in love so I’m so hurt that he made this unilateral decision without considering an adjustment. I know when he’s focused on something, he can’t juggle a whole lot. And I always felt this underline sense of expendability which he claimed emphatically did not exist. But look where we are now.

My question is did you ever reach back out after you got over those feelings of overwhelm or did you just let relationships/people go? I know he loves me. He said he had to take the romantic component out of it as if it’s some tangible thing or mental calculation. But what happened to his heart, his compassion, his vulnerability? It all just disappeared overnight.

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. Was your boyfriend professionally diagnosed with having autism fka Asperger's?

 

[Wemida]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. Was your boyfriend professionally diagnosed with having autism fka Asperger's?

Not really, no. But his brother is a mental health provider and has repeatedly told him that he is ASD and one of his children were just diagnosed and he commented that it was because he is her father. I have a close friend and relative with Aspergers and have done so much research that I knew he was when we first started dating. He pretty much knows too but doesn’t quite want to accept it fully. He is aware that he is wired very differently. I have blamed myself for this because I feel like I knew better. I know about the sudden shift of focus/direction. But our communication was so deep and constant, I really thought I had covered everything with him. I knew he was all in/all out and sort of viewed things in black and white. He doesn’t do gray area at all. We vowed to never not share our thoughts or hold things inside that troubled us. The one time I held back from him and grew a little distant one day, he felt horrible and felt the disconnect immediately and did everything in his power to reach me and I let him reach me. So imagine my utter shock when he professed undying love on a Sunday and then broke up with me on that Tuesday! No compromise. Done. My head is still spinning. I just didn’t factor in a kill switch. I knew to be patient, accommodating, flexible. And honestly it was effortless. We were that compatible.

 

[Magna]

Not really, no. But his brother is a mental health provider and has repeatedly told him that he is ASD and one of his children were just diagnosed and he commented that it was because he is her father. I have a close friend and relative with Aspergers and have done so much research that I knew he was when we first started dating. He pretty much knows too but doesn’t quite want to accept it fully. He is aware that he is wired very differently. I have blamed myself for this because I feel like I knew better. I know about the sudden shift of focus/direction. But our communication was so deep and constant, I really thought I had covered everything with him. I knew he was all in/all out and sort of viewed things in black and white. He doesn’t do gray area at all. We vowed to never not share our thoughts or hold things inside that troubled us. The one time I held back from him and grew a little distant one day, he felt horrible and felt the disconnect immediately and did everything in his power to reach me and I let him reach me. So imagine my utter shock when he professed undying love on a Sunday and then broke up with me on that Tuesday! No compromise. Done. My head is still spinning. I just didn’t factor in a kill switch. I knew to be patient, accommodating, flexible. And honestly it was effortless. We were that compatible.

Please bear in mind that on autism forums it's an infrequent but still somewhat regular occurrence for people to post that they're having relationship issues with their partner who they believe are autistic and that the relationship problems are at whole or in part caused by the partner being autistic (in their opinion). I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but please know that those kinds of beliefs can incorrectly stereotype people (typically men, but not always) who are autistic.

 

[Wemida]

Please bear in mind that on autism forums it's an infrequent but still somewhat regular occurrence for people to post that they're having relationship issues with their boyfriends who they believe are autistic and that the relationship problems are at whole or in part caused by the boyfriend being autistic (in their opinion). I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but please know that those kinds of beliefs can incorrectly stereotype people (typically men, but not always) who are autistic.

I understand that and wouldn’t post if I was just speculating. There are probably more undiagnosed men and women with ASD than the other way around and they are valuable and loving/lovable which is why I’m reaching out. My heart breaks for him too because he’s now back to that isolated inward place where he has always felt misunderstood and often unloved. Being on the spectrum was something he brought up to me initially as a possibility. The more intimate we became and the more I knew of him and his patterns etc, I felt he was undiagnosed. My compassion for him and others with ASD is too great for me to stereotype.