My Autism is "hiding" itself?

[UberScout]

So here's what happened, and this is gonna be kinda weird how it all took place over the course of yesterday and then now because it was a mix of different stuff happenin, which I recorded in my journal. But here it is:

- Yesterday Maddog and Sophia thought it would be fun to overstimulate me by screaming in my face and causing an absolute uproar for....what i can only assume to be extreme boredom, to the point of me having probably one of the worst if not THE worst panic attacks i'd ever have in any life i've lived...it was like, I was seeing colors i wasn't supposed to be seeing and if you put your hand over my chest you'd think I had a jackhammer in my chest. I was in such a state of panic I had to bring my weighted blanket with me downstairs and sit at the chair of Maddog's chess table. I felt better afterwards and Maddog apologized later but still. You don't do that

- Today is actually turning out to be a better day, much more... Wholesome than it sometimes is. What I mean is I'm spending more time in a good mood than i am in a bad one and while Sophia managed to recover something she had when she was...ahem...out of our care... A diary with pre-made entry templates or something... My empathy power kicked in and I was beginning to feel some tears coming from her, but i think she pulled out of it.

Now after that unnecessarily long exposition, I can finally get to the point.

I feel like my disability is...like...well, hiding itself. I feel "less" autistic than I usually do, but it's not until I start thinking of my Density Blanket that I start picking at my nails and casually chewing a pillow (I'm weird.).

Another thing thats kinda unrelated is... Maddog says i'm too soft. Well i'm okay with that! I'm fine with having the heart of a Kirby, it's why so many people like me. I know how to make people feel safe when i talk, or show things like my drawings or just generic conversation. People who aren't soft don't do that. I admit, it's good to be a little tough, but i have always tried to tell 'dog there is no shame in being fluffy. Kirby is sweet and innocent and approachable to people and he still kicks major *rse across the galaxy on a weekly basis or whatever they do with the games when they make a new one. For the love of god he once took down a flying battery just because his cake went missing!

My point is, I think i'm becoming more balanced in my disability, but i don't want it to become a weakness.

 

[Aspychata]

It sounds like you crossed through a giant door and have become more accepting of yourself, the good, the good and the very good. The very tough people need the soft touchy feeling people to balance out the planet. Just the way it is. So of course, they are the first to point out your remarkable attributes, but because it's such a foreign concept, it's immedately delegated as *bad, or *soft or *weak. Whatever. Just ignore and continue on being you, no apologies needed in your lifetime. The feeling type people are also the dreamers, the innovators, the mediators, the artists, the inventors, the counselors and even great leaders. It's a pleasure to have you here at this forum.

 

[UberScout]

It sounds like you crossed through a giant door and have become more accepting of yourself, the good, the good and the very good. The very tough people need the soft touchy feeling people to balance out the planet. Just the way it is. So of course, they are the first to point out your remarkable attributes, but because it's such a foreign concept, it's immedately delegated as *bad, or *soft or *weak. Whatever. Just ignore and continue on being you, no apologies needed in your lifetime. The feeling type people are also the dreamers, the innovators, the mediators, the artists, the inventors, the counselors and even great leaders. It's a pleasure to have you here at this forum.

Wow...thanks Aspychata. That put such a big smile on my face. This is literally the first time that a forum site anywhere has told me its a pleasure to have me and not mean it sarcastically because I stole diamonds from someone's base.
Lol

 

[Wolfsage]

Nothing wrong with having a bit of Kirby in you. Keeps you human in a good way.

 

[WolfSpirit]

Been trying to respond for the last several hours, but am too sleep deprived to get it all down coherently. Was about to lay down when I finally figured out a simple response I could do, so here it is.

My problem lately has been the opposite of yours. My autistic difficulties have stopped hiding, due to stress and fatigue (partly COVID related, partly not), and I'm 1. beating myself up about it, for no good reason, even though I know better, and can explain to myself a whole bunch of reasons why it's happening and self compassionate things. and 2. I'm worrying about the few other people in my life reacting negatively to such things, even though the two most important I know either 'get it', or probably weren't paying attention to my lack of response/disengaged-ness in the first place!

It's hard when you can't figure out, (or can't convince yourself) why you're having difficulties when you don't think you 'should', (even if other, more reasonable people would be supportive, and reassuring), and two can't seem to figure out what 'baseline' you should use, or what expectations you should have for yourself because your basis for comparison are so extreme. This 'middle ground' stuff is hard!

I did have a friend say to me yesterday though "you're trying to get back to that point where things were really good. And that's a good thing to. It's a healthy thing to do." And then there was some discussion of other stuff that led me to the conclusion that the corollary to that is "but don't be upset with yourself if you can't achieve it." Especially under the circumstances the world finds itself in these days. Going to try and keep that in mind.

Also having the right group to compare myself to helps. A LOT!

 

[Gracey]

@WolfSpirit

Is there any wrong with just living in the 'now'?

No trying to achieve middle ground,
no trying to get back to a certain point where you felt different, no baselines, no expectations,
just rolling along, hour by hour, embracing and accepting come what may.

Expectations can result in 'having difficulties' when those expectations aren't met.
Lose the expectations, lose the difficulties?

Regarding 'beating yourself up',
I've been on this planet for over half a century.
In hindsight, beating oneself up and self chastisement rarely served a purpose or changed an outcome.
At best it only served to while away a day or two. Bit of a time wasting strategy really.
I gave it up as a bad habit

Replaced it with asking myself, 'What would I like to change?' and
'How will I go about changing it?'

 

[Aspychata]

@WolfSpirit

Is there any wrong with just living in the 'now'?

No trying to achieve middle ground,
no trying to get back to a certain point where you felt different, no baselines, no expectations,
just rolling along, hour by hour, embracing and accepting come what may.

Expectations can result in 'having difficulties' when those expectations aren't met.
Lose the expectations, lose the difficulties?

Regarding 'beating yourself up',
I've been on this planet for over half a century.
In hindsight, beating oneself up and self chastisement rarely served a purpose or changed an outcome.
At best it only served to while away a day or two. Bit of a time wasting strategy really.
I gave it up as a bad habit

Replaced it with asking myself, 'What would I like to change?' and
'How will I go about changing it?'

This is correct in my corner on my little planet. Sometimes all we need to do is shift our mindset and accept the expectations we have achieved and change if possible other doable things.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

It's a nuisance to have people making unwanted comments in our faces. Sometimes we have to just accept that people have got problems (or are unskilled at humour) and that perhaps we can survive around them.

Finding that we make our own "problems" work for us and not against us is cause to look ourselves in the eye, not feel ashamed. We needn't feel cocky either because there are still some big challenges ahead. A day at a time.

 

[UberScout]

"That's how we swim through life."

 

[WolfSpirit]

@WolfSpirit

Is there any wrong with just living in the 'now'?

No trying to achieve middle ground,
no trying to get back to a certain point where you felt different, no baselines, no expectations,
just rolling along, hour by hour, embracing and accepting come what may.

Expectations can result in 'having difficulties' when those expectations aren't met.
Lose the expectations, lose the difficulties?

Regarding 'beating yourself up',
I've been on this planet for over half a century.
In hindsight, beating oneself up and self chastisement rarely served a purpose or changed an outcome.
At best it only served to while away a day or two. Bit of a time wasting strategy really.
I gave it up as a bad habit

Replaced it with asking myself, 'What would I like to change?' and
'How will I go about changing it?'

I need to have a certain level of 'expectations' for myself in order to be able to function, and focus on other things. Otherwise everything is too unpredictable, and I run the risk of running into serious problems and not knowing how to respond or mitigate them. I suspect it's the same for everybody on the planet, to one degree or another, it's just unconscious to so many people. (to varying degrees.) I mean, there's a difference between 'Am I going to be able to walk today? Am I going to be able to communicate?" and "Am I going to be able to do my job/take care of my family member/etc." And of course, the more poisonous "Am I going to be able to meet the expectations others have of me in my personal and professional relationships" expectations.

Granted, my life is typically pretty simple, and has been for a long time. But that in itself, has led to me raising my expectations of what I can do in a day, and when I need to practice more self compassion than usual, or when I need to push myself to do a little more, or etc. I think everybody needs a certain level of standards for themselves on a day-to day level, in order to feel... happy, for lack of a better word. Maybe satisfied is better. (I'd say productive, but there's trouble with that one too). The trick is to find the balance between setting them too high, and setting them too low.

As for beating myself up, I thought I'd given up the habit years ago too, but I found out almost exactly a year ago that that wasn't the case. I'd simply learned to thoroughly suppress such thoughts, and that once I've reached a certain level of fatigue, I can't suppress them anymore. The 'noise' in my head resurfaces. The problem is, I keep returning to that level of fatigue, over and over in the last year. Turns out I've never gotten very far away from it, even though for some months last year I thought I was.

I agree that it's not productive, or useful in any way, particularly since it's usually over very minor things, things that don't even matter. (this time it's been a little more as well as over nothing) What's worse, is then I start berating myself for berating myself!! Which is, of course, not only even less productive, but it's actually counter-productive!! . But unfortunately, even knowing this, and knowing it well, only helps somewhat. I've had to learn all over again to practice the behaviours of derailing unhelpful thoughts, both through distraction techniques, and instructions to just plain stop! (sometimes with a mental stop sign, or the equivalent of one.) Again, only somewhat helpful, but I'll take anything I can get.

And yes, focusing on "what can I do about this? How can I improve my life/situation?" are better things to do. (which I've had pointed out to me, is almost a reflex with me, after so many years, so that helps. )

Unfortunately, I have the worst trouble with it all when I'm the most tired, and my mind is in 'idle', so... yeah. As I said, the above couple of strategies help somewhat, and are best for 'in the moment', it's the long term part, when such things persist, that are the problem. Hence the new self-statement "it's a good thing trying to get back to a good place, but being upset when that doesn't happen is not."

 

[WolfSpirit]

This is correct in my corner on my little planet. Sometimes all we need to do is shift our mindset and accept the expectations we have achieved and change if possible other doable things.

I should say that in addition to what else I said, mindfulness (i.e. this kind of acceptance and stuff) is something I agree with, and something western society is seeing as more and more important. Also existentialism is cool.