My autism ruins everything.

[Tony Ramirez]

I been trying to think positive but negative things keep happening too me while normal people form relationships.

I know I made a arse out if myself three times this weekend trying to talk to three different women I barely know.

I either spoke too loud when everyone was quiet. Asked how was your week? Responding back as good then walking away. Or I asked my name is Tony only to be responding back with my name is Lexie and now I got to clean up the table.

Then you got someone like Kyle who is already hanging out and forming a relationship with a new woman as they been hanging out a lot and this is only her third week.

I tried what my married friend Justin done what he taught me and it does not work because of my autism. It's like they know I have if and they don't want to talk to me which is why I am more approached by couples.

 

[Rodafina]

Tony, please don’t feel pressure to answer this post, but I’m wondering what about your autism makes things not work out? It means so many different things to us all. Just wondering what you mean when you say that it has ruined everything.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't socialize good. No matter how much I try I can't hold a conversation with women.

 

[Rodafina]

I know you are trying really hard. I hope there’s some big changes in your near future.

 

[LadyS]

Socializing is just hard in general, but I wonder maybe could you also be putting too much pressure on yourself to socialize with women?

When we have this highly coveted end goal that we wish to achieve, we put too much stress on ourselves to achieve that goal...especially if we constantly put unnecessary ideas in our heads (i.e."this is my only chance or I'll never get what I desire", "my time is running out: it's now or never" etc).

I know for myself forcing interaction for the sake of interaction doesn't help with natural flow of conversation. It just makes it awkward and nerve wrecking.

Sorry I know this might go against some of the advice that's often given here ("practice with as many women as possible"), but I feel like it can be a double-edged sword too. And if everything is said is irrelevant or wrong, ignore and carry on.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It's just that Kyle did not even have to try and I tried the same things he did. He is already forming a close relationship with a nice single woman. But he does not have autism. When I try they don't want to talk to me unless they are married.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I even seen guys like today who can barely speak English hold a conversation with a woman but they don't have autism.

 

[Rodafina]

but they don't have autism.

How do you know that?

We don’t have to let autism hold us back. We can learn to adapt. Do things YOUR way, not theirs.

 

[tree]

I even seen guys like today who can barely speak English hold a conversation with a woman but they don't have autism.

I think there's a chance that these other guys may not be telling themselves
that they made fools of themselves if the conversation is something other
than *perfect.*

Seems like you are making yourself feel bad being so self critical.

 

[LadyS]

I've always like this quote by Theodore Roosevelt: "Comparison is the thief of joy". I know it's hard not to compare, but it really does make us feel worse and hopeless when we're comparing ourselves to NTs. Something we all need to stop doing as that also can be unhelpful pressure on ourselves.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That's how I was bought up teased by my social cousins and that I believe it was my fault. It's hard to break and think positive.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I've always like this quote by Theodore Roosevelt: "Comparison is the thief of joy". I know it's hard not to compare, but it really does make us feel worse and hopeless when we're comparing ourselves to NTs. Something we all need to stop doing as that also can be unhelpful pressure on ourselves.

My yoga teacher Tasya said the same thing during the wellness group. She told me to stop comparing myself to others and to write positive things in my journal but so far I only wrote one positive thing yesterday then I wrote a negative thing. I then wrote almost all negative thoughts today.

 

[LadyS]

I grew up the same unfortunate way it seems.. constantly being compared to my cousins.. our parents pitted us against each other and made us compete to see who was the better offspring. But the way I see it now is I can continue to play the game and be unreasonably hard on myself or just step out and do my own thing.. let them run the race cuz ain't no way I can win if it's on THEIR terms. End the generational trauma with me. Took me a while to get there so ya I get it's tough.. don't be hard on yourself.

If you haven't already, maybe you can write another positive like: ya I tried to converse and even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to, at least I tried which is better than being too scared to, and tomorrow is another day to start over and try again which is better than giving up. I see that as a positive in my book even if it does sound cheesy.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am going to post something positive today that I did not mention. This was before I talked to that woman. I talked to the other Tony with a wife and kids sister. I was nervous to approach her but we had something in common. She is a yoga teacher so we talked about where she teaches were I go and the difference yoga poses. I don't know if she is married as I did not see a ring on her left finger but anyway. It was easier to talk to her because we had a common interest.

Its hard to post that because I think of Kyle all the time.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

i have special interests that were quite unconventional among my peers. I leveraged them to be as interesting as possible then sought out different peers, as you have done with yoga, Tony. With involvement in outdoor activities I was seeking a woman who would enjoy them with me. Then I ran into a woman who was looking for the same in a man.

But, I'll tell ya', Tony, I could not easily approach women until I learned a few things:
1. Being comfortable in my own skin. It is more than just liking myself. It is unashamedly owning who I am, even as a flawed person who screws up and makes mistakes at times.
2. Using a mask of confidence. Basically I am the type of person who thinks of 1,001 ways to fail. I learned to wear the attitude that I will succeed when I could engage people long enough for them to know me and my interests.
3. Putting my ego on hold. Things do not always work out in making a connection and succeed or fail, it is not always about me. When I first called my future spouse about car pooling to a national Sierra Club outing, I looked upon that as merely transactional, so my ego was not invested. Instead I found we had a lot to talk about; equipment, training, planning the road trip and that let me engage in a very relaxed manner.

I see in some of your difficulty a very uptight person who is so focused on failure that you think any stumble is a personal judgement. You need to disabuse yourself of that notion, relax, and act as if you expect to succeed. You are so focused upon yourself that I think you fail to recognize that in conversation the goal is to get the other person to open up about themself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am going to post something positive today that I did not mention. This was before I talked to that woman. I talked to the other Tony with a wife and kids sister. I was nervous to approach her but we had something in common. She is a yoga teacher so we talked about where she teaches were I go and the difference yoga poses. I don't know if she is married as I did not see a ring on her left finger but anyway. It was easier to talk to her because we had a common interest.

Its hard to post that because I think of Kyle all the time.

Now you have it! Conversation is about leveraging common interests to get the other person to open up. Now you need tomfollow up, even if it is just contacting her to thank her for the nice conversation that you enjoyed!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I see in some of your difficulty a very uptight person who is so focused on failure that you think any stumble is a personal judgement.

I just thought my entire life if I talk to this girl the worst is going to happen and she is going to reject me so I kept to myself. I am opening up more now but I keep thinking when she does not want to talk to me or if she does for only 10 seconds that it's my fault so I blame my autism.

 

[Misery]

That's how I was bought up teased by my social cousins and that I believe it was my fault. It's hard to break and think positive.

Even despite that, you've already come so very, very far from how you used to be.

That's worth being proud of, I think. And worth remembering, when you're having a rough day.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I just thought my entire life if I talk to this girl the worst is going to happen and she is going to reject me so I kept to myself. I am opening up more now but I keep thinking when she does not want to talk to me or if she does for only 10 seconds that it's my fault so I blame my autism.

You can blame your autism for social delays, you can blame your autism for a lack of automatically understanding social communication, and you can blame your autism on peseverating about the negative, but do not blame your autism for what you perceive as failure. When you go to approach a woman (like your recent success), think of it as a chance to get to know somebody with an emotional life that you may be granted the chance to understand, somebody who has a life story you want to know. And if you don't click, think perhaps it is not a judgement about you, that she may be distracted by other things, and so you need to learn how to tell when she is approachable.

Have you followed up with the woman you enjoyed talking about yoga with? You have been given a chance, so just tell her you enjoyed talking and hope you can see her again. That shows that she has made an impression and demonstrates confidence in yourself. Please, please, please do it!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't have the number and I never bothered to get the other Tony's number because he is a married man and I did not care to know it.