Hi everyone,
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and though he is not officially diagnosed he has told me that he is on the spectrum. Things can be difficult at times, but for the most part we work very well together. The biggest issue in our relationship is that he is allergic to cats, I have one, and the idea of introducing regular allergy shots into his life stresses him out so I’ve been letting him approach that at his own pace.
Over the weekend, two of my roommates announced that they were moving out, and my boyfriend’s lease is up in August. I brought this up to open the conversation of moving in together in August. I was trying to figure out whether I should find short or long term subletters, but I don’t think he fully understood what I was saying and to my surprise was open to breaking his lease and moving in together in April.
It’s a short time frame so I started trying to organize details for moving and started to send him apartments and options in different areas of the city but I think it overwhelmed him. Last night I was with him and he got frustrated and shut down. He was telling me that he’s unhappy in his job and wanted to start looking for jobs in March, but now has to focus on moving out of his apartment, to a new area of the city, figure out a new commute, and live with a cat when he isn’t sure how severe his allergy to her is and he said it was far too much change at once, he didn’t want to do it, and thought we should break up instead.
Over the next few hours I asked a lot of questions trying to get him to think about whether he is unhappy in our relationship or just scared of commitment and change. I suggested smaller steps like waiting until he found a new job and/or moving in to his current place so he doesn’t have to deal with that change. He is a data scientist and talks about cancer data most of the time so I suggested that we “collect more data” by running experiments between him and my cat to make him more comfortable, like bringing her to his apartment for a day and things like that.
He was agreeable to this and our current plan is to see how he is with my cat before making any decisions, but I’m going back and forth. I can’t tell if he really wants to break up and was using my cat as an excuse or if his suggestion to break up was a negative reaction to being in a very uncomfortable situation for him. It was lots of change and pressure to make the change quickly without giving him enough time to make his own decision, which I know he doesn’t like. But I also don’t understand why he would pivot to break up if he didn’t mean it. I worry that I’m using our differences in thinking as an excuse To ignore the fact that he just doesn’t want to be with me. When I asked him about this he said that he loves me and our relationship but when asked to make this decision under these specific circumstances he felt breaking up was the right choice.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I truly love him and want to support his feelings and needs, and if breaking up is what he needs then I don’t want to force him to continue this.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and though he is not officially diagnosed he has told me that he is on the spectrum. Things can be difficult at times, but for the most part we work very well together. The biggest issue in our relationship is that he is allergic to cats, I have one, and the idea of introducing regular allergy shots into his life stresses him out so I’ve been letting him approach that at his own pace.
Over the weekend, two of my roommates announced that they were moving out, and my boyfriend’s lease is up in August. I brought this up to open the conversation of moving in together in August. I was trying to figure out whether I should find short or long term subletters, but I don’t think he fully understood what I was saying and to my surprise was open to breaking his lease and moving in together in April.
It’s a short time frame so I started trying to organize details for moving and started to send him apartments and options in different areas of the city but I think it overwhelmed him. Last night I was with him and he got frustrated and shut down. He was telling me that he’s unhappy in his job and wanted to start looking for jobs in March, but now has to focus on moving out of his apartment, to a new area of the city, figure out a new commute, and live with a cat when he isn’t sure how severe his allergy to her is and he said it was far too much change at once, he didn’t want to do it, and thought we should break up instead.
Over the next few hours I asked a lot of questions trying to get him to think about whether he is unhappy in our relationship or just scared of commitment and change. I suggested smaller steps like waiting until he found a new job and/or moving in to his current place so he doesn’t have to deal with that change. He is a data scientist and talks about cancer data most of the time so I suggested that we “collect more data” by running experiments between him and my cat to make him more comfortable, like bringing her to his apartment for a day and things like that.
He was agreeable to this and our current plan is to see how he is with my cat before making any decisions, but I’m going back and forth. I can’t tell if he really wants to break up and was using my cat as an excuse or if his suggestion to break up was a negative reaction to being in a very uncomfortable situation for him. It was lots of change and pressure to make the change quickly without giving him enough time to make his own decision, which I know he doesn’t like. But I also don’t understand why he would pivot to break up if he didn’t mean it. I worry that I’m using our differences in thinking as an excuse To ignore the fact that he just doesn’t want to be with me. When I asked him about this he said that he loves me and our relationship but when asked to make this decision under these specific circumstances he felt breaking up was the right choice.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I truly love him and want to support his feelings and needs, and if breaking up is what he needs then I don’t want to force him to continue this.
