My ex was my everything and now he's gone

[NothingbutCookies]

It's my first time posting, and I really need someone to consult about this. It's long.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue.
Background: He (28) has high functioning autism, and I (27) have ADHD and suspect to also be on the spectrum ( but can't afford to diagnose officially now). We met in University and connected really quickly, we had a lot in common and we understood each other like no one before. It really felt like we found the right person for both of us, the one we're meant to be with. It was mostly good since then, we had some disagreements we worked on and always managed to find something we're both comfortable with, we never hide problems and was always honest. We helped each other grow and improve, we really want it to work. We could've talked for hours and loved just being together. He was always honest and affectionate, and tried to communicate even it's hard to him. He never spared an 'I love you', always tried to integrate me in his hobbies and made an effort so I will enjoy them. Things went well and we talked about moving together after graduation, and getting married and start a family sometime in the the future. Our love and care for each other was greater than I can describe, there's nothing we couldn't overcome together.
We just celebrated our 2 years anniversary a month and a half ago and everything seemed normal. We prepared for the second semester, and made plans to do stuff together and even planned a vacation in the summer. Then two weeks ago we met, he told me he doesn't love me romantically anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but he still hopes we can be friends.
It came out of nowhere, I still don't understand what happened. How can everything be fine one day, and the next day he felt so different? No signs of a problem, he didn't say something was wrong, he kept showing love like always.
I tried to talk to him and understand what happened but he didn't say much and couldn't describe his feelings. It feels as if he just gave up on us. Like being alone was easier now.
Now we don't talk at all, and he's acting like nothing happened every time I see him on campus.
I feel that I lost everything, he was the closest person to me and the only one I could really talk to and be myself around, the love of my life. He was my everything.
Nothing makes sense.
I can't understand why he backed off suddenly? I know he process emotions differently, but how can he act like everything is fine? He said he hopes to stay friends, but It feels like he doesn't care about me anymore...
does Autistic person really can just stop loving someone in a moment? Is it normal to just back off like that from a meaningful relationship? Is he masking or does he really don't care for me anymore? How can I tell if he still cares?
Is there any hope he'll come back? Is there something I can do to convince him to try again?

 

[Aspychata]

So sorry to read this. It's difficult for me to write this because l know you are in pain currently. Relationships can end even if the person isn't ND. Relationships start and end. At least he isn't dragging it out, and leading you on. You are great person, you are worthy of a great relationship, and the quicker you continue on and take care of yourself, shows you are ***unstoppable ***.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

This is really sad. I am so sorry. I'm trying to imagine being in your shoes, and it's awful.
If he made that decision, I don't think there is much you can do about it. You could ask him for an explanation, but it's up to him if he gives it. Maybe something is going on in his life, maybe he just decided this way. You could try to ask him again in a few weeks.
Take care of yourself, and feel yourself virtually hugged if you want.

 

[Hypnalis]

@NothingbutCookies

The odds of recovering the relationship aren't good, but nor are they zero.

"Convince" is the wrong word. If you figure out what you can reasonably do, I'll try to provide some insight.

BTW you've probably misunderstood masking. It's not about lying to the world, nor is it about deluding yourself.

If he's been a "low-drama" person in the past, acting normally now is natural, and you should not read anything special into it. Not all of us would act that way of course, but I certainly do.
(I can explain why OFC, but this isn't the right time).

 

[jsilver256]

It sounds like he was hyperfixating on you, then it stopped overnight (as is often the case), and he is mistaking the lack of hyperfixation for lack of romantic feelings. He probably has misguided expectations on what autistics experience in relationships, which can be drastically different compared to NTs.

I think you can logically explain this to him, but it will come down to him wanting to put in the effort to educate himself and adjust to his own reality. One strategy that might work might be to compare it to any other hyperfixations he's had and stopped.

 

[Wolfnox]

I spent 2 years making sure I had feelings for a girl. That it wasn’t just an aspect of my mind. I finally decided I did love her. But, she didn’t see me that way and already had a boyfriend.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

The last part of your message reminds me of the start of my first relationship (also with someone ADHD). She confessed her feelings for me, I said "I think" I felt the same, and then proceeded to treat her exactly the same way as before, as if the conversation hadn't happened, while she was left feeling confused and bewildered. It took a few days until she broached the subject again and we "officially" became a couple.

For me, I was happy to hear she had feelings for me, as I already had a crush on her (we had been friends for over a year). However, I didn't see why being in love or even being in a relationship meant things had to change between us. I was inexperienced, and didn't see the necessity in treating her differently, even though to her, things were absolutely different between us, as friendship and partnership is different.

I agree with @Hypnalis that he might just be a low drama person, like me. "I don't feel love for you anymore, ergo there's no point in furthering the relationship, and that's that". I suspect he is alexithymic (which is common on the spectrum, and I think I am too) and the two of you simply think differently. He might think your reaction doesn't make sense as the reality of it seems obvious to him, while for you it's the opposite.

I don't really have advice for you, and I can't make you "get him back" as that's up to him. However, I think it would be good to have a very frank and non-judgmental discussion about this. Maybe it isn't time right now, but based on what you've mentioned about how honestly you could talk before, I definitely think it would be possible. Disregarding the relationship, it sounds very tough to lose a good friend, so I hope you can at least rescue the friendship. I still talk regularly with my ex now, five years after we broke up and I'm in another relationship.

 

[AspieChris]

At least he isn't dragging it out,

All I can say is that I ended most of my relationships in the same way. My parents, any friends, girlfriends, even a fiancée.

For me, I’m expected to fit into a mold that the world has created. “Best Friend”. “Son”. “Boyfriend”. Etc. For each one I created a mask that made me appear “Normal”. The only time I allowed myself to act like I felt was when I was alone.

One day it would reach a point where it had become clear that the relationship was over. A friend who moved 1000 miles away. A mother who had neglected me since birth. A fiancée who who was growing in a different direction than I was (I wanted to start a family, but she was still young and really wanted a ‘Sex & the City’ lifestyle). When I could see that we were never going to stay together forever, it just felt ignorant to continue.

Dragging out a doomed relationship means arguments. It costs money. It eats up valuable time, particularly when you’re young. I know it sounds cold, but it’s absolutely true. And that’s the thought process. I put on my mask of a calm and loving boyfriend because I really do love her and I want to give her the world, even meaning I want her to have the perfect man. I bring flowers on an average Tuesday (even though everyone knows they’re going to die). I plan some amazing trip on her birthday (even though I absolutely hate to travel). I start listening to her favorite music….. just so I can enjoy going to a concert with her (but I hate crowds!). And the list goes on and on.

Eventually it becomes clear that we’re never going to make it. Maybe it’s because I balance my bank account to the penny but she’s got a stack of unopened bills piled in various locations around her apartment. Maybe it’s because I really don’t want children and she’s started talking about how she wants lots of kids. It could just be that she’s determined to see the world and I’m figuring out that I hate flying so much that I refuse to go anywhere that requires an airplane trip.

If we’re never going to make it to old age together, then why spend even one more day together. The perfect guy for her is a man who loves travel, wants children, and is more relaxed with the finances. Maybe he’s single right now. I would be doing her a disservice by dragging out a breakup when he’s getting away. I did the math problem that is our relationship and me+her=0, so I’ll just do everyone a favor and end it.

—————
That’s my thought process. It’s really black and white and makes me look cold. On the outside it looks like I just turned out the lights one day, but the inside is much different. And the truth is that I really do care and it was a horribly painful decision to end it.

But…..If there’s any hope of you two getting back together, it might mean you’ll need to be patient and take some time as his friend to help him see how wrong he was.

 

[Aspychata]

A lot of times, there's all the unsaid in relationships. The time spent in finding out if you are compatible, the time spent in surpassing our own emotional milestones, the time spent in finding out if we together as a couple are growing and not going backwards. Then you can simply fall out of even liking the person in a time span of whenever. If l find a lot of doors closed, or no ability to compromise, then l start to fall out of even liking the person. Lately, l deal with those who refuse to take responsibility for their bad actions, bad intentions, and inability to apologize for their past actions. Some of us truly don't want to even be in relationships, but we may assume the mask, in the hopes of duping others until they see completely thru us. I definitely have walked thru that where l felt duped. Then they turn around and try to blame you for some imaginary discretion, because they were a fake friend along. Eventually, single life feels like a fantastic blessing. It's upsetting when they spent all this time trying to dupe you and they won't own up to it, when they needed to be truthful. And they try to reinsert themselves, making no show of a decent apology. What a tangent l went off on. Apologies.

 

[Judge]

A lot of times, there's all the unsaid in relationships. The time spent in finding out if you are compatible, the time spent in surpassing our own emotional milestones, the time spent in finding out if we together as a couple are growing and not going backwards. Then you can simply fall out of even liking the person in a time span of whenever.

How painfully true...so much that can be unsaid. And how easy it is for some of us not to say what needs to be said at times. Guilty as charged.

 

[Aspychata]

@Judge , that's why when people finally get divorced, the experts say it's 10 years to late already, nobody could be honest and it dragged out that long. At some point, somebody stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped being honest, then 5 years flew by.

 

[Judge]

@Judge , that's why when people finally get divorced, the experts say it's 10 years to late already, nobody could be honest and it dragged out that long. At some point, somebody stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped being honest, then 5 years flew by.

Indeed, it always seems tragic to hear so many (maybe most) marriages that drag on for so many more years than they probably should.

Perhaps when a relationship becomes "routine" and likely is a red flag for problems, whether a couple knows it or not. When they stop talking, and stop caring. -Point taken.

 

[AspieChris]

Indeed, it always seems tragic to hear so many (maybe most) marriages that drag on for so many more years than they probably should.

It’s exactly this thought process that always led me to an abrupt break-up.

 

[Aspychata]

Don't be with somebody unless you want to routine with them. My current guy, l like our routine. He likes all kinds of food, he is open to trying something new once in awhile. He loves the beach, the same movies, etc. It's all routine, but he wants me in his routine.

 

[Hypnalis]

Indeed, it always seems tragic to hear so many (maybe most) marriages that drag on for so many more years than they probably should.

Stories told about marriages after they end can't be expected to match what actually happened and why.
There is very strong motivation to "spin" the narrative.

Marriage is for the kids. Any judgement about the marriage that doesn't take that into account is completely missing the point.

This thread is about something else. Only two people, both adults, are involved. It's a situation where, if it will end, sooner is better. And pressuring one party to continue beyond its natural end is not good behavior.

 

[Judge]

Stories told about marriages after they end can't be expected to match what actually happened and why.
There is very strong motivation to "spin" the narrative.

I'm just thinking purely of the duration of relationships in general that fall apart. Not a consideration of why, but rather more often than not (at least with couples I knew personally) that it was over a long and costly duration of time rather than a short one.

Perhaps given a nebulous sense of prioritizing security over happiness. A basic reason why couples who hate each other may stick it out for what they perceive to be pragmatic reasons, and yes children can play a big part in it as well as finances. And a multitude of other reasons as well.

Sadly I've known just too many friends and relatives who remain "damaged" in some way from staying too long in such relationships. Full of so much anger yet directed in no particular direction. With recollections from both parties in what they lamented over which for whatever reason was not said to one another. Lamentations with or without "spin".

Then again, I could say the same about one relationship in particular I was in for much too long a time under the circumstances. Yet I was quite conscious of why I chose to remain as long as I did, in the interest and welfare of a child caught between a mother and father who had an incredibly contentious divorce and at times both seem to take their anger out on her.

In the end, there's no point in arguing over why such relationships fail. Only that they do and that recovery can be tough for many people whatever the circumstances may have been.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

It's my first time posting, and I really need someone to consult about this. It's long.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue.
Background: He (28) has high functioning autism, and I (27) have ADHD and suspect to also be on the spectrum ( but can't afford to diagnose officially now). We met in University and connected really quickly, we had a lot in common and we understood each other like no one before. It really felt like we found the right person for both of us, the one we're meant to be with. It was mostly good since then, we had some disagreements we worked on and always managed to find something we're both comfortable with, we never hide problems and was always honest. We helped each other grow and improve, we really want it to work. We could've talked for hours and loved just being together. He was always honest and affectionate, and tried to communicate even it's hard to him. He never spared an 'I love you', always tried to integrate me in his hobbies and made an effort so I will enjoy them. Things went well and we talked about moving together after graduation, and getting married and start a family sometime in the the future. Our love and care for each other was greater than I can describe, there's nothing we couldn't overcome together.
We just celebrated our 2 years anniversary a month and a half ago and everything seemed normal. We prepared for the second semester, and made plans to do stuff together and even planned a vacation in the summer. Then two weeks ago we met, he told me he doesn't love me romantically anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but he still hopes we can be friends.
It came out of nowhere, I still don't understand what happened. How can everything be fine one day, and the next day he felt so different? No signs of a problem, he didn't say something was wrong, he kept showing love like always.
I tried to talk to him and understand what happened but he didn't say much and couldn't describe his feelings. It feels as if he just gave up on us. Like being alone was easier now.
Now we don't talk at all, and he's acting like nothing happened every time I see him on campus.
I feel that I lost everything, he was the closest person to me and the only one I could really talk to and be myself around, the love of my life. He was my everything.
Nothing makes sense.
I can't understand why he backed off suddenly? I know he process emotions differently, but how can he act like everything is fine? He said he hopes to stay friends, but It feels like he doesn't care about me anymore...
does Autistic person really can just stop loving someone in a moment? Is it normal to just back off like that from a meaningful relationship? Is he masking or does he really don't care for me anymore? How can I tell if he still cares?
Is there any hope he'll come back? Is there something I can do to convince him to try again?

i imagine your relationship was better than my last, whom i feel very reluctant to call an ex-girlfriend in the first place.

 

[paloftoon]

People aren't always logical. We're all sorry you're dealing with this. It you feel like you want to take a break and only want to focus on working on yourself such as studying, catching up on hobbies, exercise, and/or catch up with friends, that is totally cool. If you feel like it's okay to date others, and if you're not sure if you can, you can slip a note to your partner that things are too iffy and you need to look out for yourself and you will start looking for others if you feel you need to state that. Life is short. You gave it your all, and you can still be open to taking him back, but it is also okay now to "define the relationship" rather than let thing happen more naturally now with this person. Do whatever you can to balance and look out for yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

I noticed that l couldn't handle the uncertainty of a relationship and the daily stress of some unrelated issues, so l had to pull back due to taking care of myself that required much alone time.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

"Women cannot understand how someone(a guy, man, human male) cannot be desired or doesn't have any dating options unless something is seriously wrong with them. They(women) get desired and wanted, sought after, by default have dating options, just for existing and being a normal person, so they assume that's how it is for men, but it's not."

never truer words have been said or spoken.