My family members probably hate me because I am different

[shadowmyl]

Hello, I am 17 and self-diagnosed with social anxiety and autism.
Since I was little, I have always had a hard time around my family members, especially when we meet with my aunt's family. As my cousins are exactly the same age as my sister and I, so one is 17 and the other is 21, we have been close since we were young.

However, I have always hated seeing them. It is not that I hate them as a person, but it is just that they make me feel uncomfortable, and simply when I am around them I feel very self-conscious, sad, and nervous. I realized not too long ago, when I recognized that I might be autistic, why I've always felt that way. We do not have the same values at all, and they are all extremely extroverted and talk a lot, all of the time.

On the contrary, I am very introverted, and strong noises, lights, etc make me feel very vulnerable and bad. Because of those things but also other things, I have always felt left out of the group and felt like I didn't belong. At first, it was okay, but for some years now my sister has started being even closer to them, and it makes me feel even more alone, because usually we are very close and she pays attention to me, but since she got closer to them, she never pays attention to me when we are at a family gathering, almost as I don't exist or I am not cool enough to be noticed. This makes me feel even worse and I hate going to family gatherings even more.

My mother noticed that at every event, I am nervous and sad, and I don't talk, because my family members are all neurotypicals, and they are therefore very loud and talk a lot about things that don't interest me or that I even find harmful sometimes, for example, homophobic jokes or ableist jokes. They've never understood me, even my mother when I told her how uncomfortable I am. She then started getting mad at me and yelling at me because I "don't do any effort to get along with them" and I "embarrass her".

All of my family members think I am different and they say every time that it makes them sad to see me withdraw a lot (at every event I cannot stay long so I always go to the bathroom to hide because I feel so uneasy), but I hate how they lay about wanting to see me because "we are family", I know they don't mean it and it makes it even worse.I have since then avoided going to family gatherings, and I moved to another country for other reasons, but also to try to get away from them and start a new life with people that understand me and my values, and with whom I can be comfortable.

However, today one of my cousins, with whom I had not talked for a while because of my uneasiness and because I moved countries. He told me he had been very disappointed with me because lately every time we saw each other I would "not answer him" and it hurt him that I did that because apparently we had always had a strong relationship with him and he was wondering what he had done wrong. That made me feel very bad because firstly I hate disappointing people, but also if he had written me that, that must have meant that the family had talked about me in that way, and knowing that makes me sad.

Now, I have no idea what to do, because I don't know what to answer and I don't want to have contact with them anymore, but I know that if I don't answer he will definitely tell my family and my mother will surely yell at me and tell me that I am "awful for not wanting to see my family" as she did before. The truth is every time I see them they make me notice how "different" I am because I am neurodivergent and it always makes me feel awful and guilty after that, because why am I the only one that never talks, is shy, has difficulty to have small talk, to be in bright and loud restaurants and with many people at the same time, etc? Therefore I hate spending time with them, but it is not about them, I just dislike the person I am when I am with them.

What should I do? Please help me. Thank you so much for having read my problem, I am just so lost and have no one to talk about this to.

 

[Knower of nothing]

I also stopped going to family gatherings. There was a few years of asking about me but at some point you really do disappear. I'm still invited on principle of being a family member, but no one expects me to show up.
Obviously with that kind of experience I'm going to tell you you're not remotely in the wrong here. At most you've not made your own needs very clear, but this isn't easy to do when people don't understand. They'd probably value family appearance over comfort and tell you to put up with it (though it's still worth trying to explain again).

So I see two big options. Either you try make them understand your needs and hope they respect them. Or you endure staying away for now and the criticism that comes with it, hoping eventually the opinions will fade into irrelevancy. I'd strongly advise against putting up with uncomfortable environments for the sake of appearances, no healthy relationship will be established like that and you may continue to think you're failing at something that you're meant to be succeeding at. This would only result in self-esteem complications.

A friend of mine, 30+, is pushed around by his family to this day like that. Never found his strength to say no and respect his own needs over theirs. There's a minor argument to make that since it's family you can ask these sorts of things of each other. But it's only his needs that are ignored. It's one sided. This makes it not a family bond at all, just disrespect.

 

[shadowmyl]

I also stopped going to family gatherings. There was a few years of asking about me but at some point you really do disappear. I'm still invited on principle of being a family member, but no one expects me to show up.
Obviously with that kind of experience I'm going to tell you you're not remotely in the wrong here. At most you've not made your own needs very clear, but this isn't easy to do when people don't understand. They'd probably value family appearance over comfort and tell you to put up with it (though it's still worth trying to explain again).

So I see two big options. Either you try make them understand your needs and hope they respect them. Or you endure staying away for now and the criticism that comes with it, hoping eventually the opinions will fade into irrelevancy. I'd strongly advise against putting up with uncomfortable environments for the sake of appearances, no healthy relationship will be established like that and you may continue to think you're failing at something that you're meant to be succeeding at. This would only result in self-esteem complications.

A friend of mine, 30+, is pushed around by his family to this day like that. Never found his strength to say no and respect his own needs over theirs. There's a minor argument to make that since it's family you can ask these sorts of things of each other. But it's only his needs that are ignored. It's one sided. This makes it not a family bond at all, just disrespect.

Thank you very much for your answer, I'm sorry to hear that you also have a similar problem. Thank you again for helping me, I hope you have a very nice day today ^^

 

[Hypnalis]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph
Please ask the moderators to help you reformat this. You can "report" your own post, and they'll probably find a way to let you replace it. BTW the moderators here are very good - they won't mind a request like this.

An on-topic comment:

We're a small minority of humanity, and we're not going to change everyone else in a hurry (if ever

You can learn to cope with these situations better. It's a long road (years), but each step makes life a little easier. You won't regret starting now.

You'll need to learn to initiate contact. To pull that off, you need to:

a) Learn how to ask open questions to get other people to talk. You only need a few questions, and the technique for asking open questions can be learned in 5 minutes (see below).
b) Actively prepare some topics that you can (1) talk about in an "NT-friendly way" and/or (2) discuss with an NT relative.

An example of what to avoid (this is an unfortunate natural ND behavior that's a conversation-killer):

The classic frame is an older relative asks a younger school-aged person "How's school going?", and they're answered "ok". Please remember this: that's a technique for deliberately ending conversations with e.g. people you do not like. It's hard for the asker not to be a little offended, even if it's not intended to work that way.

Note: ""how's school going" is an open question. The point is to start chatting, not to collect data.
The protocol allows you to work that topic, or you can directly switch to another that's mutually relevant you'd prefer to discuss.
An example switch: "Schools going ok, but TBH, right now I'm more interested in hobby X".
(BTW if it's a Grandparent, this is also a great way to indirectly troll for presents that match your interests

And of course you can do the same: open questions are "topic selectors", so they are extremely easy to frame.

 

[shadowmyl]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph
Please ask the moderators to help you reformat this. You can "report" your own post, and they'll probably find a way to let you replacement. BTW the moderators are very good - they won't mind a request like this.

A short comment for you:

We're a small minority of humanity, and we're not going to change everyone else in a hurry if ever

You can learn to cope with these situations better. It's a long road (years), but each step makes life a little easier. You won't regret starting now.

You'll need to learn to initiate contact. To pull that off, you need to:

a) Learn how to ask open questions to get other people to talk. You only need a few questions, and the technique for asking open questions can be learned in 5 minutes (see below).
b) Actively prepare some topics that you can (1) talk about in an "NT-friendly way" and (2) discuss with an NT relative.

An example of what to avoid (this is an unfortunate natural ND behavior that's a conversation-killer):

The classic frame is an older relative asks a younger school-aged person "how's school going", and they're answered "ok". Please remember this: that's a technique for deliberately ending conversations with e.g. people you do not like. It's hard for the asker not to be a little offended, even of it's not intended to work that way.

Note: ""how's school going" is an open question. The point is to start chatting, not to collect data.
The protocol allows you to work that topic, or you can directly switch to another that's mutually relevant you'd prefer to discuss.
An example switch: "Schools going ok, but TBH, right now I'm more interested in hobby X".
(BTW if it's a Grandparent, this is also a great way to troll for presents that match your interests

And of course you can do the same: open questions are "topic selectors", so they are extremely easy to frame.

I am sorry, this is my first time posting so I didn't know I had to do that, sorry. And thank you for your tips, I will take that into account

 

[Hypnalis]

You don't have to do that OFC, but if you want readers, it helps a lot to format for readability

 

[Suzanne]

Resonates so much with me, as a child and teenager. It was just a complete nightmare to be around extended family members and after many, a cousin contacted me and related that most of the time, I was squashed into a corner and so shy I would not even look up, which sums up my memory. Thankfully, though she added that they never considered me in any other way, then just painstakingly shy.

I was also told that it was my fault for not trying to get on with family members and like you, over stimulating with such loud noises,; yet, ironically, I love my music at top volume lol

I could never understand how others did not react the same way as me, with when the sun shone. My forehead would seem to throb and I would desparetely try and hide from the brightness of the sun and often mocked for it. Then, I discovered, by chance, SUNGLASSES and they became my salvation and hyperventilate if I misplace them.

I have social anxiety too, and agroaphobia and health anxiety, coupled with aspergers.

Just a little suggestion. It would be so helpful to read as you want it read, if you paragraphed your sentances, but if you are not able to, then, my apologies.

I never used punctuation and one day my husband wrote the same letter out that I had done, but added punctuation and asked my opinion and I had to admit, it was far better to understand and voila, became obsessed with punctuation and know, I put over use commas lol

Anyway, you sure have come to the right forum.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello, I am 17 and self-diagnosed with social anxiety and autism.
Since I was little, I have always had a hard time around my family members, especially when we meet with my aunt's family. As my cousins are exactly the same age as my sister and I, so one is 17 and the other is 21, we have been close since we were young. However, I have always hated seeing them. It is not that I hate them as a person, but it is just that they make me feel uncomfortable, and simply when I am around them I feel very self-conscious, sad, and nervous. I realized not too long ago, when I recognized that I might be autistic, why I've always felt that way. We do not have the same values at all, and they are all extremely extroverted and talk a lot, all of the time. On the contrary, I am very introverted, and strong noises, lights, etc make me feel very vulnerable and bad. Because of those things but also other things, I have always felt left out of the group and felt like I didn't belong. At first, it was okay, but for some years now my sister has started being even closer to them, and it makes me feel even more alone, because usually we are very close and she pays attention to me, but since she got closer to them, she never pays attention to me when we are at a family gathering, almost as I don't exist or I am not cool enough to be noticed. This makes me feel even worse and I hate going to family gatherings even more. My mother noticed that at every event, I am nervous and sad, and I don't talk, because my family members are all neurotypicals, and they are therefore very loud and talk a lot about things that don't interest me or that I even find harmful sometimes, for example, homophobic jokes or ableist jokes. They've never understood me, even my mother when I told her how uncomfortable I am. She then started getting mad at me and yelling at me because I "don't do any effort to get along with them" and I "embarrass her". All of my family members think I am different and they say every time that it makes them sad to see me withdraw a lot (at every event I cannot stay long so I always go to the bathroom to hide because I feel so uneasy), but I hate how they lay about wanting to see me because "we are family", I know they don't mean it and it makes it even worse.I have since then avoided going to family gatherings, and I moved to another country for other reasons, but also to try to get away from them and start a new life with people that understand me and my values, and with whom I can be comfortable. However, today one of my cousins, with whom I had not talked for a while because of my uneasiness and because I moved countries. He told me he had been very disappointed with me because lately every time we saw each other I would "not answer him" and it hurt him that I did that because apparently we had always had a strong relationship with him and he was wondering what he had done wrong. That made me feel very bad because firstly I hate disappointing people, but also if he had written me that, that must have meant that the family had talked about me in that way, and knowing that makes me sad. Now, I have no idea what to do, because I don't know what to answer and I don't want to have contact with them anymore, but I know that if I don't answer he will definitely tell my family and my mother will surely yell at me and tell me that I am "awful for not wanting to see my family" as she did before. The truth is every time I see them they make me notice how "different" I am because I am neurodivergent and it always makes me feel awful and guilty after that, because why am I the only one that never talks, is shy, has difficulty to have small talk, to be in bright and loud restaurants and with many people at the same time, etc? Therefore I hate spending time with them, but it is not about them, I just dislike the person I am when I am with them. What should I do? Please help me. Thank you so much for having read my problem, I am just so lost and have no one to talk about this to.

All of this hits home. I am 56, so I've had a lot more time to process this. One, you're self-diagnosed, and the problem with that is that without your "special piece of paper" to say that you've been "officially" diagnosed, your family will likely think what you are going through is a "moral failing". Two, depending upon your family dynamics, even with an official diagnosis, they may still have a "moral diagnosis" of you, and may not want to accept the diagnosis. Three, even if you have a diagnosis of autism, most, frankly, just about everyone has no idea of what that means, even educated healthcare workers who work with autistic children do not recognize their co-workers on the spectrum. Four, people will still expect you to "act normal", do your job, have your life together, etc., even when you feeling your worst, they have no perspective of what it is to be autistic, the mental energy it takes to think and act everything in your life, just so they aren't uncomfortable around you. Five, autism is still seen as "an excuse" for many people.

We live in a world of "norms", and that will vary from culture to culture, but regardless, if anyone is perceived as "different", then it is human nature, literally instinctual, to push different people out to the periphery and not include them. Worst case scenario is that you get singled out and then mentally and physically abused, taken advantage of, and/or victimized. Everyone masks/camouflages-everyone-but autistics have to take it to a higher level of difficulty. Think of your brain as a computer, you have your "masking" program running in the background, and you have your "social and communication" program running in the foreground, and then you have a "quirky" sensory program that takes in too much information in some cases, too little in other cases, and if you have a high IQ and can run all these programs, awesome. Good for you. If you are of average IQ .you might not have the processing speed to make these programs run efficiently. Regardless, it is mentally exhausting. A neurotypical brain, to use the analogy, these programs are pretty much part of the operating system, itself, so for the most part, it is instinctual and these people don't have have any concept of having to "think about it". Part of the reason why neurotypicals, intellectually, will have no idea what you're going through, I might even suggest they are incapable.

"Therapies" for autism usually surround learning and coping with daily living skills, social and communication, and there is some value in that for understanding the neurotypical world and making your way through life, but it also is about learning how to hide your autism from the people around you, forcing you to "conform". That's a big ask of a neurodivergent person who is naturally one to embrace differences and be creative. We have a tendency to resist "normalcy". So, pick and choose, get those life skills down, learn as much as you can, there are situations where you do have to mask/camouflage your autism, and other situations where you can relax and be yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

This hurts to read your post because l hid a lot from family gatherings. It seems hard as a younger person, just too much sensory overload. I too changed countries. I went away for a year. It really helped me. The family l lived with was very accepting of me and offered for me to stay.

When l returned to the US, jobs were difficult but l did enjoy taking apart a soft serve ice cream machine as one of my early jobs. Retail ended up being easy because people seem to gravitate to me, so it feels less pressure.

Just accept this is part of being you, this uncomfortable feeling, and it will continue for the rest of your life. But self-love, exercise, meditation, and your special interests will help you in your journey. There are a lot of success stories here of members overcoming obstacles.

At some point l realized that other people suffer feelings of not fitting in. This can be social economic status, personality issues, personal looks, social awareness, personal confidence or lack of it, etc. Then you start to feel more normal. That the desire to fit in is actual a universal thing.

 

[Richelle-H]

I was always bothered by large family gatherings (and those could be quite large at times as my extended family was quite large o both sides of my genetic heritage. Since the death of my parents and their parents, family gatherings are no longer an issue, but during the time that they were, I would always find quiet places to be alone from time to time. I d not think that is at all uncommon. I would always close down and go mostly silent during occasions (i.e. holidays, weddings, baby showers, and such) that would bring large groups of relatives together (cousins, uncles, aunts, etc.).

At my age, these early problems are no longer as much of an issue, but I can still find myself nervous over very innocuous thigs such as Covid testing, or some new medical issue where I must deal with a new doctor or technician. I know how silly that is but it doesn't stop me from winding myself up on occasion.

As for the opinion of others, I never took any of that on board. My mother was my buffer against the world when I was growing up so that I never knew if anyone in my family found me odd or strange. I know that many outside my family found me a tad weird, but again, I never took any of that as anything other than normal. I am sorry to say that I always looked down on those who were rude to me because of my affect and I always dismissed them as not worthy of my full attention (which, sadly, included my father).

You are still so very young, and I will offer the observation that while I shared some of what you report at the same age, it did not stay that way. Just be yourself, don't take the criticisms to heart, and don't be afraid of change. Change is inevitable and you can learn from it if you allow yourself the opportunities for evolving that come your way. Try not to stress too much. You know yourself much better than anyone else is capable of because your experience of self is undiluted. Others should learn from you as much as you learn from them. You have worth and value despite what you hear from others.

Be well and don't let the world drag you down.