My family says I'm rude.

[Hidden]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble at home. My mum keeps calling me horrible rude, and a psychopath because I have no empathy. I don't understand why. We have discussions and I say what I see as the truth. For example, my brother will soon be leaving for university, and he wants to got a uni that's some distance away. Mum wants him to go to one much closer, and couldn't understand why he didn't want to. So I said "mum, if you'd lived in this rather dysfunctional household for eighteen years, why would you want to continue living here?" We're ARE a dysfunctional family, but she could really upset, calling me rude and a psycopath. She calls me those names often. Was that rude? I mean, I suppose it could be possibly taken as an insult, but only if it wasn't true. And it is.

So, I just keep saying things I see as truthful, and keep getting yelled at. Sometimes my mum starts crying because of my rudeness, and then my elder brother yells at me, asking me how can I not see how mean I'm being? And I get so confused, but also defensive because I Hate being ganged up on.

So I suppose I am being rude somehow.
Is this normal for some aspies? How can I tone it down?

Thanks,
Hidden.

 

[King_Oni]

Keep in mind, some people can't handle the truth. And that's, in my experience, what people call rude.

I guess, there's also the entire maternal instinct playing part. Being called out on that isn't received well by plenty of parents.

Calling someone a psychopath is uncalled for, especially if you're calling your child a psychopath. Unless a parent has plenty of reason for this, backed by a medical diagnosis of psychopathy a word like that should be left out. On the other hand; calling your family dysfunctional might require a bit more explanation to your mom. If you can provide her with arguments and your view, it might get her to understand you more...

but then again, there are also parents that don't want to have any of that, no matter how true it is

 

[Peace]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble at home. My mum keeps calling me horrible rude, and a psychopath because I have no empathy. I don't understand why. We have discussions and I say what I see as the truth. For example, my brother will soon be leaving for university, and he wants to got a uni that's some distance away. Mum wants him to go to one much closer, and couldn't understand why he didn't want to. So I said "mum, if you'd lived in this rather dysfunctional household for eighteen years, why would you want to continue living here?" We're ARE a dysfunctional family, but she could really upset, calling me rude and a psycopath. She calls me those names often. Was that rude? I mean, I suppose it could be possibly taken as an insult, but only if it wasn't true. And it is.

So, I just keep saying things I see as truthful, and keep getting yelled at. Sometimes my mum starts crying because of my rudeness, and then my elder brother yells at me, asking me how can I not see how mean I'm being? And I get so confused, but also defensive because I Hate being ganged up on.

So I suppose I am being rude somehow.
Is this normal for some aspies? How can I tone it down?

Thanks,
Hidden.

Rude is a perception. You are probably perceived that way by your mom. A parent makes sacrifices beyond belief, and puts everything they have into raising their kids. Many of us (me included) do not do a stellar job, but it is our best. When that is met with anything other than appreciation, it is hurtful. I do not want to go through life thinking that I screwed up my kids, who I love more than anything in the world.
There is also "Tact". Instead of saying that you have a dysfunctional family, which is an attack on your parents, You could have said that you can understand your brothers desire to get out and explore more of the world. Add in that you know he really loves her (or something nice like that for reassurance as she is probably sad about his leaving), and help her to cope and feel better, rather than to add to her already bad feelings.
The truth is always best, but not always best spoken. And remember that your truth, may not be the same as someone else's.

 

[Ereth]

My mum keeps calling me horrible rude, and a psychopath because I have no empathy. I don't understand why. We have discussions and I say what I see as the truth. For example, my brother will soon be leaving for university, and he wants to got a uni that's some distance away. Mum wants him to go to one much closer, and couldn't understand why he didn't want to. So I said "mum, if you'd lived in this rather dysfunctional household for eighteen years, why would you want to continue living here?" We're ARE a dysfunctional family, but she could really upset, calling me rude and a psychopath. She calls me those names often. Was that rude? I mean, I suppose it could be possibly taken as an insult, but only if it wasn't true. And it is.

As Peace said, you can be truthful without framing that truth in a way that may be perceived as a personal attack. Learning how to do this takes practice. Your "truth" is that your family is dysfunctional, and perhaps that's not wrong. But try to look at it from your mother's point of view. She's spent years raising you and your brother. I don't know any details about your life, but you have to give her that much credit. The fact that she would like your brother to attend a university closer to home probably just means she wants him to remain close---he's her son, after all. I don't think your mother should call you a psychopath, but I can understand why she might consider your pronouncements rude or hurtful.

Your elder brother has yelled at you before because you brought your mother to tears. That may not have been your intention, but as far as your brother knew, you said something that made your mother cry. He wanted to defend her.

I also believe in being honest, and sometimes that means people get hurt. But nine times out of ten, there's a way to do it without trampling on their feelings. And insults are not necessarily disconnected from truthfulness.

Consider the stereotypical question: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Maybe it does. But should the person responding tell the person asking that? ("It does make you look fat.") Probably not that bluntly. That's why most people say "No." It may be dishonest, but sometimes mild dishonesty is better than a direct statement of "truth" which can hurt.

An alternative way to answer would be to turn the potential for insult into a means to compliment. "It accentuates your curves," or even just "It looks good on you."

In your case, I would have said, "Mom, I think Brother would like to go to this university because he wants some independence and space to grow."

 

[Tarragon]

Just asked my mum, and been told I'm very rude. I can't help but conclude its a mother thing!

 

[Sev]

I've also been called rude for simply pointing out the truth I doubt you're on your own with this one.
I've found that keeping my 'observations' (particularly observations that may impact someone elses feelings; despite their truth) to myself as often as possible - though, it's quite hard and sometimes annoying to do this. I also do my best to analyse what might happen if I make a particular comment, before actually making it, I found that this helps too.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Rude is a perception. You are probably perceived that way by your mom. A parent makes sacrifices beyond belief, and puts everything they have into raising their kids. Many of us (me included) do not do a stellar job, but it is our best. When that is met with anything other than appreciation, it is hurtful. I do not want to go through life thinking that I screwed up my kids, who I love more than anything in the world.
There is also "Tact". Instead of saying that you have a dysfunctional family, which is an attack on your parents, You could have said that you can understand your brothers desire to get out and explore more of the world. Add in that you know he really loves her (or something nice like that for reassurance as she is probably sad about his leaving), and help her to cope and feel better, rather than to add to her already bad feelings.
The truth is always best, but not always best spoken. And remember that your truth, may not be the same as someone else's.

You're good. That was great advice, Peace! Being Miss Etiquette, I don't even need to add anything. You covered it all!

 

[Peace]

You're good. That was great advice, Peace! Being Miss Etiquette, I don't even need to add anything. You covered it all!

Well, Thank You. It took me too many years to figure that out. I really wanted to say "Elementary Dear Angela".

 

[paloftoon]

It sounds like you initiated saying that the family was dysfunctional, so as a result your mom responded with something negative back. Your mom does not understand your line of thinking, which I can relate to. It's hard for parents to know "everything" and understand enough. Sometimes, my mom will even make a big deal about things that just aren't a big deal. Inside, we are still all human too.

 

[Ericho]

I don't think this is common among aspies, at least not among the ones I know. I imagine that all families are dysfunctional to a certain extent. I know what it's like to go through family conflicts. My best advice is that you should just keep on voicing your opinion, but try to control yourself and understand where the other person is coming from.

 

[Hidden]

Thanks guys for your insight; I'll try and take your advice.

Peace: you said my truth is not always going to be someone else's truth. But how can truth differ from person to person? I can say the square root of pi is 1.77245 and that's the truth; another person cannot say differently because that is a true fact, and therefore cannot change from person to person. Can you explain? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just confused.
And it's these sorts of questions that make me seem intellectually challenged.

H.

 

[Tarragon]

Thanks guys for your insight; I'll try and take your advice.

Peace: you said my truth is not always going to be someone else's truth. But how can truth differ from person to person? I can say the square root of pi is 1.77245 and that's the truth; another person cannot say differently because that is a true fact, and therefore cannot change from person to person. Can you explain? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just confused.
And it's these sorts of questions that make me seem intellectually challenged.

H.

Ahhh, logic and truth are two different things!

Well, ok, truth is truth. But I'm learning that when NT's discuss "truth" it's warped by their way of thinking. Perhaps aspies don't seem to warp this, which is where the problems lies. (oh, a pun! )

Lines of thinking for aspies are really direct. Even though I have "tangential thinking" apparently, which means I expand ideas in all directions, I am expanding in straight logical lines. Emotions would seem to want to hide away from logical truth quite a lot it seems.

Basically, NT's aren't something to be envious of. They don't seem to be able to think without being affected by emotions, which isn't ALWAYS the best way to do be. Just because we are in a minority doesn't make us wrong.

Much of my learning about dealing with people is about working out how they perceive the world, and it is through a warped lens! I am glad I am not like this. Emotions can be a handicap in some areas.

 

[Peace]

Thanks guys for your insight; I'll try and take your advice.

Peace: you said my truth is not always going to be someone else's truth. But how can truth differ from person to person? I can say the square root of pi is 1.77245 and that's the truth; another person cannot say differently because that is a true fact, and therefore cannot change from person to person. Can you explain? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just confused.
And it's these sorts of questions that make me seem intellectually challenged.

H.

Never a problem my friend,
There is an important distinction between Truth and Fact. A mathematical equation produces a fact that is not open to interpretation. Is it cold outside, is Reality Based On Opinion, as is, "Does This Dress Make Look Fat? or Would Saying This Be Rude?, or Is Abortion Murder?, or so many other things. Often times we disagree on what color something is. The color does not change, but we see it differently.
Our reality, or truth, or "The Way We See Life", is a product of the role modeling we had when we were young, and our life's experiences. If you grow up in poverty with problem parents, you are likely to see the welfare system quite differently than a person who grew up with privilege who was taught that we all have the same opportunity to have whatever we want.
I would also not consider you to be intellectually challenged. You are a deep thinker, or we would not be having this discussion. It is important for us all to grow, to share and contemplate such things. You obviously also care, or you would just ignore all of this. The fact that you are seeking answers shows your compassion for others and your desire to interact well with them.
A good thing to remember: The Difference Between A Discussion And An Argument, Is That In A Discussion You Seek The Truth, In An Argument You Seek To Win.

 

[Ericho]

People become upset in different ways. Try to see what kind of facts there are in the situation and how you and your family view them.

 

[Asterism]

So, I just keep saying things I see as truthful, and keep getting yelled at.

There are these baffling, at least to me, rules that most people seem to instinctively understand, but which sort of go over my head at times. I'm aware of the whole tactfulness thing and being mindful of other people's feelings and sensitivities, but it requires some thinking on my part, and I don't always get it right. First it's necessary to somehow magically understand the sensitivities of other people (all of which seem different, irrational and unpredictable). Second, with that supposed insight in mind, it's necessary to make a determination on when it's socially acceptable or preferable to be deceptive and/or tell half truths and when it's not. How anyone achieves this balancing act is beyond me, but some people seem to excel at it to my constant amazement.

I suppose that inadvertently running afoul of these complex social niceties (and having done so numerous times) is one of the things that tends to make me stay quite and reticent in uncertain social situations. Ironically, this tends to make people think I'm aloof or arrogant, which also seems to offend them. At times it seems impossible to to get it right.

 

[Ylva]

Psychopathy might be caused by child abuse. You could tell her that.
Or get a blood test and show her your dopamine levels.
Or move out and cut her off completely.
Or read a book about aikido and use that knowledge.
I tend to solve the problem of people who insist that I answer them and can't stand that I won't lie by not speaking to them, or speaking to them minimally. It's not optimal, but it works.

 

[Hidden]

Thank you everyone; this has helped lot.
Peace: Awesome explanation, thanks!

Still having enormous fights with them - it just takes so much energy to be neutral with them, and eventually I just explode over the smallest thing. Still called a psychopath. It's ridiculous, because she would never actually take me for a test or anything. Aaaarrggghhh!

Anyway, thanks!

H.

 

[Julia 27]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble at home. My mum keeps calling me horrible rude, and a psychopath because I have no empathy. I don't understand why. We have discussions and I say what I see as the truth. For example, my brother will soon be leaving for university, and he wants to got a uni that's some distance away. Mum wants him to go to one much closer, and couldn't understand why he didn't want to. So I said "mum, if you'd lived in this rather dysfunctional household for eighteen years, why would you want to continue living here?" We're ARE a dysfunctional family, but she could really upset, calling me rude and a psycopath. She calls me those names often. Was that rude? I mean, I suppose it could be possibly taken as an insult, but only if it wasn't true. And it is.

So, I just keep saying things I see as truthful, and keep getting yelled at. Sometimes my mum starts crying because of my rudeness, and then my elder brother yells at me, asking me how can I not see how mean I'm being? And I get so confused, but also defensive because I Hate being ganged up on.

So I suppose I am being rude somehow.
Is this normal for some aspies? How can I tone it down?

Thanks,
Hidden.

Normal
I am sixty and still haven't figured this one out
You have to try and stop yourself and work out how to say things differently but the trouble for me is by the time I have done that the conversation has moved on so its not relevant

 

[IrishAspie]

Normal
I am sixty and still haven't figured this one out
You have to try and stop yourself and work out how to say things differently but the trouble for me is by the time I have done that the conversation has moved on so its not relevant

Pretty old thread but I've found "how to win friends and influence people" a great book for explaining this stuff. its been invaluable to me and made a massive difference in my work and personal life but in essence I don't talk until I've had a good think about what I'm about to say and apply those principles. It's getting easier but I'm also finding myself exhausted all the time, not sure if its the depression or the toll of all this mental filtering or both.
If anyone has any experiences similar to this I'd love to hear them.

 

[O'Fuzz]

Ah, honesty. Always a struggle. The big thing I would say here is "fact or opinion." Maybe try using facts (i. e. he may like it better at a uni farther away) instead of opinions (this family is dysfunctional). If you can't find any facts to back up a statement, you probably shouldn't worry about it. Also, try to think of it from your mum's point of view. If you were here in X situation, and your son said Y, how would you feel? One more idea is try to kiss up to your mum. Ask to do chores or help her or even just say, "Mum, I love you." This can be kind of painful, but raising children is no holiday, and she may just be stressed, and a pick-me-up like that may make her day.