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My father is perpetually angry at me

F

Frostee

Well-Known Member
I have never had an easy relationship with him. I am in a constant kerfuffle and I get/receive little in the way of sympathy from him.

Recently, his anger and frustrations at me has intensified. Everything I do seems to annoy him.

How does his anger manifest?

- He disagrees with most everything I say.
- He never tells me what people are discussing or have discussed. If I persist his response is 'you should've got off your arse and came in then'.
- He never has any sympathy for my social anxiety or social issues associated with my condition. Ever. Just yesterday he blamed me for my lack of friends and the rude behaviour of members in a social group that I attend. i.e. he always takes their side.
- Bottom line everything I do seems to anger him.

I do not know what this is all about or why I anger him so much. I don't usually speak to him that much. But when I do his response is usually anger.

He is this way to my mother at times, but never my sister. It's just an intense constant anger.

I'm tired of it and can't cope with this anymore. My mother will not defend me.
 
It's highly likely that he experienced some of these difficulties himself growing up. And it seems that he learned to cope with them somehow. Now, he's seeing them in his son, and its reminiscent of old difficulties that he likely buried long ago. And would rather not deal with, if he ever did. So anger is the result, of that long-sublimated era of his life.

I think if you take a proactive approach to your own problems, and act in some way to help yourself with those difficulties. Actually take action, and complain less, he will think of you as less entitled and give you more help. Maturity is a long and difficult journey for all of us.

I realize that's easier said than done. Yet a few steps along that road to independence will likely help you become more confident and have a better relationship with your parent.
 
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ASD is a factor in your story, but I don't see it as the dominant one. Father and son relationships can be harsh, especially when the father's life philosophy is "just do it". On your part, if you maintain the role of victim, you will never extend yourself and you will never learn about yourself. The same force in your life that could be a guide is also your abuser. This may be the only form of tough love that your father understands, presumably because he was treated this way as a youth. The anxiety and social issues that you experience need to be incorporated into your life decisions. They are there and you are responsible for managing them as you see fit. If you use these as a defense against whatever it is you are doing, or not doing, and it angers your father, then you should sit down with him and ask him for guidance on how to achieve what he wants from you. He may see you being inactive or uninspired to achieve anything in life. Perhaps his only way to motivate you is to shame you - that is the carrot and stick approach to motivation. I lacked confidence in my youth, so shaming me put me in a dark corner. I didn't get the guidance I wanted. This is why I am sharing this aspect of parental relationship here. If your father is perpetually angry with you, look for the reasons. Better yet, ask him the reasons. At some point, in his eyes, you are no longer a child. There is something he wants to see in you, but it's not there. Iron this out with him and get the support and encouragement you seem to need. I wish I had done that with my father. I knew what was expected, but I struggled to get even near it.

The real world has very little sympathy for people who are disappointed in life. There is competition everywhere. Achievement in life takes work and sacrifice. This may be what your father knows and understands. He doesn't want you to avoid life's struggles. He can help you approach these struggles if you ask for his assistance. Your life should be about you, so focus on yourself and your own growth needs. Your father seems to be the only resource you have to achieve these goals. He's harsh, but he's still your father and he's a source of support. He's not expressing it effectively.
 
I had a similar relationship with my father. ASD was not a factor. Eventually, I understood that he had full-blown narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders (he was professionally diagnosed), and probably other Cluster B disorders such as borderline personality disorder.

In other words, he was a psychological train wreck. I was always his scapegoat, and my younger brother and one of my younger sisters were his "golden children" who could do no wrong. That sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in her late teens and I never talk to her anymore because she, like my father, constantly attacked and gaslighted me. She is crazy. My father bullied and verbally abused my mother who had Stockholm syndrome because of him. She died about 5 years before his death. It makes me sad that she never had a chance to live life without his abuse and demeaning treatment of her.

Based on my experience, the best thing you can do is to get away from him. I went "no contact" with my father for 3 years before he died in order to preserve my own sanity and to prevent him from psychologically abusing my children whom he seemed to view as nothing but physical extensions of me and never recognized as individual people in their own right.

In the end, my father died alone locked down in the hospital psych ward and denied visitors. He apparently raged himself into a fatal heart attack at age 92 because the hospital staff would not do what he wanted and demanded. To be brutally honest, I am glad he is dead. I did not attend his funeral and was surprised how many people in our community and church reached out to me and told me what a POS he really was.

I know my response here is negative but your description of what you endure with your father is so strongly reminiscent of my difficulties with my father that I think you should consider the strong possibility that your father has serious mental issues for which you are NOT responsible and that you cannot cure or fix. You need to protect yourself.
 
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Mary Terry said:
...I know my response here is negative but your description of what you endure with your father is so strongly reminiscent of my difficulties with my father that I think you should consider the strong possibility that your father has serious mental issues for which you are NOT responsible and that you cannot cure or fix. You need to protect yourself.
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Actually, you have to take this thread in context of other threads by same OP ... it seems like the personality disorder is likelier to be in the OP than the father. Perpetually blaming others, showing no initiative ... okay, I get that you post something in a support forum because you want support, but it just seems like chronic complaining after a while. And just leaving may be beyond OP's ability given that he has so much difficulty taking any responsibility. Let's pray that he gets a job soon.
 
I don't think leaving would be a good idea, long-term, especially considering that it doesn't sound all that bad. But if you can leave and would like to then why the heck not?

Am I crazy or did anyone else think his father had a point when you read the part about his father not telling him what was discussed and saying to get up and find out?

It seems to me that those who see abuse are projecting. It's a tad insulting to sufferers of actual abuse. Maybe there is abuse and it really is a terrible situation through no fault of his own, that's just not what I'm getting from the totality of his threads.

But, in either case, a similar thread has been made before and similar advice was given so this is all a re-run.
 
Frostee said:
I have never had an easy relationship with him. I am in a constant kerfuffle and I get/receive little in the way of sympathy from him.

Recently, his anger and frustrations at me has intensified. Everything I do seems to annoy him.

How does his anger manifest?

- He disagrees with most everything I say.
- He never tells me what people are discussing or have discussed. If I persist his response is 'you should've got off your arse and came in then'.
- He never has any sympathy for my social anxiety or social issues associated with my condition. Ever. Just yesterday he blamed me for my lack of friends and the rude behaviour of members in a social group that I attend. i.e. he always takes their side.
- Bottom line everything I do seems to anger him.

I do not know what this is all about or why I anger him so much. I don't usually speak to him that much. But when I do his response is usually anger.

He is this way to my mother at times, but never my sister. It's just an intense constant anger.

I'm tired of it and can't cope with this anymore. My mother will not defend me.
Click to expand...

l dealt with constant anger from my ex. He was bipolar.
 
Fino said:
I don't think leaving would be a good idea, long-term, especially considering that it doesn't sound all that bad. But if you can leave and would like to then why the heck not?

Am I crazy or did anyone else think his father had a point when you read the part about his father not telling him what was discussed and saying to get up and find out?

It seems to me that those who see abuse are projecting. It's a tad insulting to sufferers of actual abuse. Maybe there is abuse and it really is a terrible situation through no fault of his own, that's just not what I'm getting from the totality of his threads.

But, in either case, a similar thread has been made before and similar advice was given so this is all a re-run.
Click to expand...

Don’t comment then.
 
I don’t know why he’s behaving this way though and I cannot discern if it’s justified (despite thinking it’s harsh).
 
Frostee said:
I don’t know why he’s behaving this way though and I cannot discern if it’s justified (despite thinking it’s harsh).
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you can't control what other people do. if you tried reasoning with him and it hasn't worked then the only options you have left are to deal with it, or leave.
 
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Frostee said:
Don’t comment then.
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My best guess is that you're responding to me saying that this thread is a re-run, but my intent with that comment was not to say anything about me or how I feel about anything but a comment on how you're dealing with the same problem again, which is an important thing to recognize. When things come up again and again in our lives, it's useful for us to notice that repetition.
 
Yes I do think the likely reason he behaves this way is that he feels frustrated with how he experiences you and your behaviour. That doesn't make it ok, and it sounds harsh. However you might be better off focusing on strategies to cope that are less dependent on him, he sounds like he can't be positive with you and contact with him saps your confidence. You probably need to look for other support to help you cope and progress. Who else might help?
 
Family relationships can be extremely abusive. Teenagers like older people are targeted because of their naivete and unable to speak up for themselves. And your mother could take a part and tell you what your dad expects, or she could tell your dad to layoff. Since she is refusing to help, this can make you feel more helpless and insecure. You are wise to seek help, you are smart to try to grapple with your dad's emotions and why he choses to disrespect you. My father was an abuser, my mother has chosen not to see it. As a child, l protectively put my arms around my mother at age 5, because my father was trying to scare her by driving dangerously close to the curb. And l told him in my tiny voice, "don't hurt mommy."
 
You see a couple of people here are saying to me that it’s my fault. But by god are my parents nasty in the morning.

Just got up and tried to speak to either of them and got my ear ate off because “it’s the morning”. Mother told me to “Bugger off and stop talking about that crap” and my father said “would you just shut up” when talking about applying for graduate jobs.

Now, i’m a happy person in the morning. These two are like grumpy cats who’d hair you.

The abuse and hate I received this morning for simply talking to them is completely unwarranted. And I am SICK of it
 
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