My fathers temper scares me

[Frostee]

My father is highly abusive when he is not in the mood and will take it out on me. Tonight he has tried to smash down my bedroom door and told me that I had turn the music off.

I got up at 3am and started listening to YouTube. As most Autistic people have issues with sleep this is unsurprising.

He is now threatening throwing me out of the house, telling me that he is going to throw my clothes out of the house in the morning.

I am petrified and I do not know what to immediately do. I am open to going to bed but I am worried that he will come into my room and do something when I am sleeping as I do not have a lock. I was also thinking of going a drive but i'm scared he'll lock the door.

I do have some of my own money but no plans of where to go or to know what to do and no consistent income.

Ultimately I don't feel that I should be restricted to going to bed just because he is in bed. I don't feel that his abusive attitude and behaviour is appropriate either.

What should I do?

 

[GadAbout]

Help me understand. You played music at 3 a.m. and he objected?

I would kick you out too.

If I have misinterpreted the events, please clarify.

 

[Frostee]

No, I was watching YouTube I do this every night hun. The whole reason why it started was because a video came on that was exceedingly louder than the previous one.

 

[Misery]

Simple:

If someone is getting nasty to the point where you're genuinely feeling threatened, you call the police. That's EXACTLY the sort of thing they are there for.

And yes, I know, the automatic response to this suggestion is usually a barrage of reasons why that "wouldnt work" or whatever, but resisting this suggestion is *exactly* what often then leads to injury or worse later on. Someone trying to smash your freaking door down is a HUGE red flag. You are right to be scared.

I'm not saying you need to have the guy arrested or something. There's a phrase I've always liked: "Put the fear of God in him". In other words, teaching someone that they are NOT the top dog and that they need to be careful, or they'll anger the people who ARE top dog, and thus they cant keep acting like that. Basically, the police showing up and essentially going "dude, if you dont stop that, you ARE in big trouble". It doesnt matter how angry he is or what you did or did not do: What he's doing is not okay. Period. Even if he's close family, that's not an excuse.

And dont think you're hurting him or something by doing that. This could seriously lead to him learning to calm down, or getting some help from others in learning to control his emotions better. Sometimes, giving someone a sharp prod in the right direction is what's best for them.

You can either take action and put a stop to it (and maybe get him some help for managing anger afterwards), or wait for action to be taken against you, which could end very badly. I leave you to determine which is a safer and more practical answer.

 

[Bolletje]

Not being able to sleep at night is not the problem, it's the fact that you're keeping others awake with your actions at night. Have you thought of using headphones when watching YouTube in the middle of the night? It's a lot more considerate towards other people in the house that do want to sleep. I had a lot of arguments with my former roommate because he would listen to loud music in the middle of the night while I had to get up early in the morning to get to work. My boyfriend and I are on opposite sleep schedules, which is why we both have headphones for our computers so we don't wake one another up when we're awake.
That being said, trying to break down the door and threatening to kick you out of the house seems like a rather overblown response to one single event like this. Have you guys gotten into arguments about this before?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Got to be honest, if someone was playing music or videos at 3 am I would be angry and want to kick them out too. I doubt he'll actually throw you out though, just making threats because he's tired and annoyed. Be more considerate of your parents and use earphones.

As Misery said, if you feel threatened, call the police.

 

[Misery]

Aye, the headphones are a good idea.

Still though. Bashing down the door? A mild knock followed by "turn it down, please" probably would have sufficed....

Definitely be careful and watchful, and call for help if it should continue in some fashion.

 

[Aspychata]

Look, this is so easily resolved. Headphones. Your sleeping habits are slightly out of the norm. Apparently your walls are thin and this creates issues. You need to apologize to him. You also need to create a game plan to moving out. Good luck with job hunting. Is he upset with your lack of employment?

 

[GrownupGirl]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for their father's reaction and behavior? If my own father, who is normally a easygoing and gentle man, reacted that way I'd be terrified, too.

 

[Frostee]

Simple:

If someone is getting nasty to the point where you're genuinely feeling threatened, you call the police. That's EXACTLY the sort of thing they are there for.

And yes, I know, the automatic response to this suggestion is usually a barrage of reasons why that "wouldnt work" or whatever, but resisting this suggestion is *exactly* what often then leads to injury or worse later on. Someone trying to smash your freaking door down is a HUGE red flag. You are right to be scared.

I'm not saying you need to have the guy arrested or something. There's a phrase I've always liked: "Put the fear of God in him". In other words, teaching someone that they are NOT the top dog and that they need to be careful, or they'll anger the people who ARE top dog, and thus they cant keep acting like that. Basically, the police showing up and essentially going "dude, if you dont stop that, you ARE in big trouble". It doesnt matter how angry he is or what you did or did not do: What he's doing is not okay. Period. Even if he's close family, that's not an excuse.

And dont think you're hurting him or something by doing that. This could seriously lead to him learning to calm down, or getting some help from others in learning to control his emotions better. Sometimes, giving someone a sharp prod in the right direction is what's best for them.

You can either take action and put a stop to it (and maybe get him some help for managing anger afterwards), or wait for action to be taken against you, which could end very badly. I leave you to determine which is a safer and more practical answer.

Thank you Misery.

I have slept all day and am not in a good mood. My father has not spoken to me at all today.

My mother will not support me and enables his behaviour. We had a big blow out twice today due to this.

His behaviour last night was abominable. I was petrified of him doing something to me. He tried to beat my door down and stood outside my room waiting for me to come out for 20 minutes. If he could speak to me what was he waiting on?

I am trying to get my head around this and what has gone on. The mixed responses are confusing me.

I always like to have a good response or a strong reasoning to know that the stance I am taking is valid.

I have not rung the Police but will seriously consider it if this happens. The only worry is his reaction and the worry that he will be defended by the Police.

I would apologise to him but he doesn’t ever accept apologises just critiques me.

 

[GadAbout]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for their father's reaction and behavior? If my own father, who is normally a easygoing and gentle man, reacted that way I'd be terrified, too.

Frostee gets into a lot of unnecessary conflicts with his father, then comes here to complain about how unfair his father is. Father (I presume) works for a living and when he comes home he wants to relax and sleep, not deal with the emotional issues of a son who can't/won't get a job. Or maybe you could say this family is ready to have grown kids move out.

There are many things frostee could do to avoid these conflicts (seriously, noise in the house at 3 a.m., loud enough to wake dad? never heard of earphones?).

That's why people are blaming OP, not for his father's reaction but for his own insensitivity and selfishness.

Get a job and move out.

Then you won't have to deal with dad's anger issues any more.

As for calling the cops on Dad - no. Just no. Time for junior to get the hell out of dodge.

 

[Kalinychta]

Is your autism preventing you from getting/keeping a job?

 

[Misery]

Frostee gets into a lot of unnecessary conflicts with his father, then comes here to complain about how unfair his father is. Father (I presume) works for a living and when he comes home he wants to relax and sleep, not deal with the emotional issues of a son who can't/won't get a job. Or maybe you could say this family is ready to have grown kids move out.

There are many things frostee could do to avoid these conflicts (seriously, noise in the house at 3 a.m., loud enough to wake dad? never heard of earphones?).

That's why people are blaming OP, not for his father's reaction but for his own insensitivity and selfishness.

Get a job and move out.

Then you won't have to deal with dad's anger issues any more.

As for calling the cops on Dad - no. Just no. Time for junior to get the hell out of dodge.

As someone who has been stuck living at home... with my father & stepmother... since forever (and I'm 37) and cannot leave or get a job (and in fact hasnt had one in over 10 years), I can tell you right now, it's often not as simple as you make it sound. There is often little choice involved, for those that do not move out.

Same with making mistakes. Hell, I've done the "noise at night" thing myself. More than a few times. It's very easy to space out and sort of get mentally lost, and then I dont quite spot if I'm doing things like that. That might sound silly to you, but that's simply how it works.

My point is: we're all in different situations here, and there's always more to the story. Without knowing someone in person, actually meeting them and seeing what their life is like, we cant REALLY know any of this stuff. And you know what they say about assumptions....


As for the bit about the police, my advice on that one absolutely stands. The reason for the father's anger is utterly irrelevant. Violence is violence.... simple as that. Regardless of the reason, if a genuine threat should surface, that's what the police are for.

 

[Aspychata]

Frostee

l hope he calms down and you are able to work this out. Does your mother have to deal with emotional abuse from your father?

 

[SusanLR]

I know there are reasons why some of us can't leave home and make it on our own.
Depends on what the issues on the spectrum are for you or even disabling co-morbidities.
My intellect was high, but, executive function and panic disorder made it impossible to live on
my own. I didn't want to anyway and life was good. We felt like a family unit together.
But, I was able to work and contribute most of my money to my parents who weren't abusive
and that's probably the main reason they didn't mind me living at home.
Then when they got old and needed help, I was their care giver.

What ever the case is there are people who are just outright abusive and they can tell
you to get out, but, any violence is not held up for by the police. Also where you live
is your address and throwing things you own out on the street is not allowed by law.
There is the address as home eviction law.
Whether you've been living at home or somewhere else and receive mail at that address
the person you live with that owns the house must serve written eviction papers which can
be protested for up to 90 days.
If you fear for your safety the police and the Department of Children and Families can find
a shelter for you and help find more permenant housing for you.
If you are disabled and kicked out, the case has even more power for you.
I know it is a scary situation, but, I've found out about all these things from living with
an abusive person that I rent two rooms and kitchen privileges from.
He is verbally and emotionally abusive to most everyone, not just me.
But there have been times I was aftraid to go to sleep too.

I've no family left now. That left me in my 50's having never lived on my own or with
anyone else and only a small SSI income with disabilities.
There were little options to pick from so I rented 2 rooms and kitchen privileges from a man
I played tennis with.
He is elderly but very hateful and at times threatening.
So I learned the legal ins and outs.
He's told me to find another place to live a few times, but, I just run off for a day and he
settles down realizing he needs my help at times and doesn't have a family either.
So take it from one who's been there. Learn what your rights are, find a social worker
or your therapist can help tell you what to do and call the police for violence.

Sure it is good to be considerate of others, but, with some it doesn't matter.
They fly into rants over nothing. And living not knowing if you'll be safe or kicked out
of a home is a heck of a way to live, but, you gotta live somewhere.
Right? @Frostee

 

[GadAbout]

In my opinion, parents of autistic adults do not owe them a lifelong habitation. Until they reach the age of majority, yes, I think parents owe them shelter. As adults though, in some cases living with parents is a good option (as it seems to have been for SusanLR and Misery), and in other cases not an option at all, as it seems to be for frostee.

When there is too much acrimony and the parties cannot or will not change their ways, arranging for an adult group home, disability residency program, or even just a cheap apartment has to be considered.

We who are parents deserve an old age without undue stress. We have needs, too.

 

[SusanLR]

Children were not asked to be born or with disabilities.
No one knows what conditions the child may have when they are born.
Who deserves undue stress more? Parent or child?
Yes, thankfully my family got along and enjoyed each other, good times/bad times.

 

[Mary Terry]

An important question to ask is whether you were still blasting YouTube when he tried to break through the door or whether you had already silenced it. If my kid(s) did that at 3:00 a.m., I'd be banging on their door and yelling at them, too. But I wouldn't try to break down the door because their father would probably be doing that. If this is chronic issue in your home, then your father's easiest solution would be to flip the circuit breaker to turn off the electricity to your room. And refuse to restore power to your room until you acquire headphones.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you must respect the people you live with. It's part of being an adult.

 

[Aspychata]

When l didn't empty my garbage in hs, my mom emptied it in my bed and threw the covers over it. No,it wasn't overflowing, Twisted mother syndrome.

 

[Jason Bennett]

Headphones as a courtesy and police for threatening father.