My Friend Has Aspergers and I Want to Know What to Do and Not Do.

[Ryan M.]

Hey there. I'm thirteen and so is my friend. I don't really know much about Autism and Aspergers in particular but i know the basics (special interests, disliking being touched without asking etc.). But i want to know more and how to help her if shes stressed or feeling sad.

I also want to add that that she has a group of friends. She doesn't really like them all but her one friend from her primary school (only two people from that school came to ours) hangs out with them. She just wants to be with said friend but she keeps saying "come sit with us it'll be fine" even though she just sits there only talking to me and one of my fiends. Her therapist recommended not talking to them anymore but she doesn't want to as shes scared they'll think she's being weird and start not being nice to her.

Also want to add that that she is an inside person (so am i I guess) but she struggles to make new friends and usually lets them come to her.

Thanks for any advice in advance.
(reposing this as i think i put it in the wrong forum.)

 

[Rayner]

The best bet for how to help her when she is stressed or sad would be to ask her before it happens.

 

[Datura]

Well, all aspies are different. There is a long list of classic symptoms, put not everyone has all of them.

Here are some general suggestions.

• Be honest. This advice goes for just about anybody, but it's extra true when dealing with people on the spectrum. Spectrumites tend to place a lot of value on the truth. Even if you are telling a "white lie" this can backfire as now nothing you say can be trusted. If an aspie asks you "do I look fat in this dress" they probably want you to tell it like it is, just don't be mean.
• Avoid sarcasm and figurative speech. This kind of relates to the first point. People on the spectrum tend to struggle with metaphors, sarcasm, and rhetorical questons. Ask an aspie, "Where do you think you're going?", and they are liable to tell you. Tell them that you are "up a creek without a paddle" and you might get a confused look. Many pick up on these sayings as they get older, but it doesn't come as easily to them as to neurotypicals. If your friend seems confused by something that has been said try rephrasing it in more literal terms.
• Avoid overstimulating environments. Crowded and/or loud spaces can overwhelm the senses of a person on the spectrum. This can result in a meltdown, or just extreme discomfort. What is accptable and normal for you might be excruciating for your friend. If you are out somewhere and she seems anxious or wants to leave this is likely the reason. Respect her wishes and find a calmer environment.
• Don't wear strong scents. The same sensory processing issues that make busy spaces overwhelming can also send the olfactory senses into overdrive. Perfumes and other strong smells can cause headaches and meltdowns.
• If your friend is having a meltdown giver her space. This is basic conflict deescalation. Arguing or physical force will only make matters worse.
  
• Listen. Above all realize that your friend is an individual with idividual needs. Maybe there is a certain colour that she can't stand to be arround, maybe you are actually trying too hard and she wants you to tone it down. It's probably not a good idea to overwhelm her with a barage of questions about her Asperger's, but if you don't know something don't be affraid to ask the occasional question.

That's all I've got for now.

 

[Ryan M.]

Well, all aspies are different. There is a long list of classic symptoms, put not everyone has all of them.

Here are some general suggestions.

• Be honest. This advice goes for just about anybody, but it's extra true when dealing with people on the spectrum. Spectrumites tend to place a lot of value on the truth. Even if you are telling a "white lie" this can backfire as now nothing you say can be trusted. If an aspie asks you "do I look fat in this dress" they probably want you to tell it like it is, just don't be mean.
• Avoid sarcasm and figurative speech. This kind of relates to the first point. People on the spectrum tend to struggle with metaphors, sarcasm, and rhetorical questons. Ask an aspie, "Where do you think you're going?", and they are liable to tell you. Tell them that you are "up a creek without a paddle" and you might get a confused look. Many pick up on these sayings as they get older, but it doesn't come as easily to them as to neurotypicals. If your friend seems confused by something that has been said try rephrasing it in more literal terms.
• Avoid overstimulating environments. Crowded and/or loud spaces can overwhelm the senses of a person on the spectrum. This can result in a meltdown, or just extreme discomfort. What is accptable and normal for you might be excruciating for your friend. If you are out somewhere and she seems anxious or wants to leave this is likely the reason. Respect her wishes and find a calmer environment.
• Don't wear strong scents. The same sensory processing issues that make busy spaces overwhelming can also send the olfactory senses into overdrive. Perfumes and other strong smells can cause headaches and meltdowns.
• If your friend is having a meltdown giver her space. This is basic conflict deescalation. Arguing or physical force will only make matters worse.
  
• Listen. Above all realize that your friend is an individual with idividual needs. Maybe there is a certain colour that she can't stand to be arround, maybe you are actually trying to hard and she wants you to tone it down. It's probably not a good idea to overwhelm her with a barage of questions about her Asperger's, but if you don't know something don't be affraid to ask the occasional question.

That's all I've got for now.

Thanks!

 

[Datura]

No problem ^_^

I wonder if anybody else has anything to add.

 

[garnetflower13]

I think that you said it all, Datura!

 

[Suzanne]

Wow what a great friend you are being!

Try not to tease her or joke with her, because it is horribly embarrassing. My husband has to often say: hey I was only teasing you, because I just cannot tell whether he is teasing or being factual.

Odd behaviour patterns that seem inane to you, is actually very comforting to her.

When she gets obsessed about something and it prolongs, gently divert her attention to something else, because that tends to cut the concentration.

Some aspies and I am one of them, who have no idea how to regulate the volume on their voice and so a gentle downward hand motion with a smile will help to get her attention ( of course, only if she is being loud and it is due to excitement) if she is angry, it is best to leave her be, for if you do the same hand movement, she will react negatively.

If you want to grab her attention, try walking in front of her, rather than touching her, because that sends us into overdrive and can cause a nasty and embarrassing reaction.

As has already been said: say it how it is, because it gets really confusing when one skirts around the issue. When we ask if something looks ok etc, we actually are asking for an honest answer, because it tells me, at least, what to do and what not to do.

Also, we are very literal people. Some things can be really funny what we take to be a fact, but also some can be so embarrassing when everyone is laughing.

Be prepared for her to be honest with you. Because she can come across as blunt. And it is really difficult to know what the right thing to say is and thus, we keep quiet, so as to not cause trouble.

If you see that her eyes are sliding away from you, try to look away yourself, so that gives her freedom to do the same. I truly hate when someone is speaking to me and I have to look them in the eye, because I do not wish to be rude, but it is so uncomfortable!

There are tons of other things as well, but can't think of them right now.

 

[garnetflower13]

Wow what a great friend you are being!

Try not to tease her or joke with her, because it is horribly embarrassing. My husband has to often say: hey I was only teasing you, because I just cannot tell whether he is teasing or being factual.

Odd behaviour patterns that seem inane to you, is actually very comforting to her.

When she gets obsessed about something and it prolongs, gently divert her attention to something else, because that tends to cut the concentration.

Some aspies and I am one of them, who have no idea how to regulate the volume on their voice and so a gentle downward hand motion with a smile will help to get her attention ( of course, only if she is being loud and it is due to excitement) if she is angry, it is best to leave her be, for if you do the same hand movement, she will react negatively.

If you want to grab her attention, try walking in front of her, rather than touching her, because that sends us into overdrive and can cause a nasty and embarrassing reaction.

As has already been said: say it how it is, because it gets really confusing when one skirts around the issue. When we ask if something looks ok etc, we actually are asking for an honest answer, because it tells me, at least, what to do and what not to do.

Also, we are very literal people. Some things can be really funny what we take to be a fact, but also some can be so embarrassing when everyone is laughing.

Be prepared for her to be honest with you. Because she can come across as blunt. And it is really difficult to know what the right thing to say is and thus, we keep quiet, so as to not cause trouble.

If you see that her eyes are sliding away from you, try to look away yourself, so that gives her freedom to do the same. I truly hate when someone is speaking to me and I have to look them in the eye, because I do not wish to be rude, but it is so uncomfortable!

There are tons of other things as well, but can't think of them right now.

This is great advice!

 

[Suzanne]

This is great advice!

Ahhh thanks, garnetflower for that.

 

[garnetflower13]

You

Ahhh thanks, garnetflower for that.

're welcome
Your Welcome!

 

[SingaSong]

Hey there. I'm thirteen and so is my friend. I don't really know much about Autism and Aspergers in particular but i know the basics (special interests, disliking being touched without asking etc.). But i want to know more and how to help her if shes stressed or feeling sad.

I also want to add that that she has a group of friends. She doesn't really like them all but her one friend from her primary school (only two people from that school came to ours) hangs out with them. She just wants to be with said friend but she keeps saying "come sit with us it'll be fine" even though she just sits there only talking to me and one of my fiends. Her therapist recommended not talking to them anymore but she doesn't want to as shes scared they'll think she's being weird and start not being nice to her.

Also want to add that that she is an inside person (so am i I guess) but she struggles to make new friends and usually lets them come to her.

Thanks for any advice in advance.
(reposing this as i think i put it in the wrong forum.)

Ryan - Datura had some really good ideas. The best thing I can suggest is to ask your friend to tell you a bit more about her Aspergers and what type of things affect her. You can also ask if there is anything she would like you to do to help or not.

 

[paloftoon]

If your friend's parents will let her transition to cyber school, this valid worry about turning away this clique could be helpful for her to have a quality education that she deserves. Hopefully, your friend is academically self-motivated too!

 

[nowwhat]

I would like to add, specifically, that being around and dealing with people will always be stressful for her, so remember that even if she seems to be doing fine, she can only take so much and will need quiet and alone time to recharge and de-stress. Personally, I'm good for about 60 - 90 minutes with someone 1 on 1, 30 - 45 in a crowd and then I am completely over it and miserable. This goes for friends, too, so don't take it personally.