My GF has Aspergers and I am ignorant to it all. HELP!

[Grady]

i am dating a woman with aspergers. I enjoy the fact that she has it because it makes her very logical and strangely enough very understanding towards me and the difficulties of my own personality. BUT Her behavior confuses me at times. She likes to party hard, do drugs, and party with strangers. She often goes out and returns in the afternoon the next day. she often goes out with friends and stays long after they've gone home and parties with new people that she's met. She enjoys the recreational drugs and the night life. I am a bit unsure if i should be mad or if I should excuse this behavior. I want to be tolerant and patient with my partner but I cannot help but think that a normal woman would not engage in this type of behavior. i do not look down upon a person that goes out and uses recreational drugs on occasion but i do not understand why she would want to stay and party without her friends. I most certainly wouldn't even if men bought me drinks and gave me free drugs. Should I be worried about infidelity?

Ive confronted my partner and expressed to her this behavior worries me. I do not know whom she's with. I do not know if there is some man that can slip drugs in her drink while she's alone with strangers. I simply am unaware what she does exactly with strange men and women at all hours of the morning and night. Naturally this situation is a breeding ground for my imagination to flourish into fantastic stories about infidelity and how I am being duped. But yet again, her Aspergers! Maybe she is unaware that this type of behavior is odd and that it is very misleading even though she in fact may not be unfaithful? I have tried to be understanding as much as I can. i love her. but i don't comprehend her at times. She is out tonight as we speak. but instead of me freaking out and calling her like a madman, i wait and have a conversation with her as soon as she returns. Should I be worried?


please excuse my lack of attention to grammar and syntax, I am quite stressed and am unsure where this brand new relationship of ours stands.

 

[arthousesalem]

Hi Grady,
When you have asked her what she has done, what has she actually said? Has she actually said that she was unfaithful? Have you been out with her to see how she behaves? I think you are doing very well and being very patient and understanding. I personally would put up with it, but then that's just me. I do think that you have to question if this is the kind of relationship you want to have. Maybe consider some negotiation. Consider going with her sometimes and maybe she can return the same by being with you more. Also consider how old she is? Is she mature and responsible? Or is she really young? People can party and have fun without being unfaithful. Hope this helps
:-I you guys need to talk.

 

[Grady]

Hi Grady,
When you have asked her what she has done, what has she actually said? Has she actually said that she was unfaithful? Have you been out with her to see how she behaves? I think you are doing very well and being very patient and understanding. I personally would put up with it, but then that's just me. I do think that you have to question if this is the kind of relationship you want to have. Maybe consider some negotiation. Consider going with her sometimes and maybe she can return the same by being with you more. Also consider how old she is? Is she mature and responsible? Or is she really young? People can party and have fun without being unfaithful. Hope this helps
:-I you guys need to talk.

Thank you sir/ Madam

No she hasn't said she has been unfaithful, to my knowledge of course. And she often texts me to tell me what she is up to and the new people she is with. I am just scared that her lack of social cues at times could land her in predicaments i wouldn't want her to be in. I trust her, but this behavior is beyond anything i have ever dealt with in the past. she is 26 years of age. highly intelligent. and although her difficulties with her diagnosis pose problems for her at times she handles herself very well.

 

[arthousesalem]

Why don't you go with her? Yes social cues are issues for us. But she keeps you posted and by the sounds of it she trusts you. Have you thought of going out with her? Just a thought.

And it is miss not sir

 

[Grady]

Why don't you go with her? Yes social cues are issues for us. But she keeps you posted and by the sounds of it she trusts you. Have you thought of going out with her? Just a thought.

And it is miss not sir

Miss,
I have gone out with her. when we are together she behaves nicely and never causes me to be jealous or anything of the sort. In fact, I am a bit like her i must confess. I do enjoy a good party and do partake of any free amenities available. but we have been doing a long distance relationship for several months now and I can't always go out with her when I wish. I would never object to her partying the way she does if I was close by or in the same city, or if I was with her. its the insecurity of the distance and i guess the novelty about this relationship that causes me to be insecure and worried. I ask myself often. would she lie to me? am i being an idiot? should i be worried? Is this normal ?

 

[arthousesalem]

As an Aspie female I don't lie and all the other Aspie women I know are the same. We are basically straight talkers. Sometimes we can be insensitive and say thing how they are. Aspie women are also independent and trust is a big thing for us. Don't let your insecurities affect your judgement. The mind can play tricks on you, creating doubt and scenarios that aren't true. Unless things change, trust that everything is ok. You also need to trust her and that she will be ok.

 

[Grady]

As an Aspie female I don't lie and all the other Aspie women I know are the same. We are basically straight talkers. Sometimes we can be insensitive and say thing how they are. Aspie women are also independent and trust is a big thing for us. Don't let your insecurities affect your judgement. The mind can play tricks on you, creating doubt and scenarios that aren't true. Unless things change, trust that everything is ok. You also need to trust her and that she will be ok.

Dear Misses,

I will continue being patient with her and continue to trust her despite my insecurities and my mental wanderings. I would like to thank you for your advice. I would be open to others opinions however as a sensitive topic such as this one should allow itself to various opinions.

a bit off topic however, I have always considered the word "aspie" to be a bit derogatory. of course i am uncultured and ignorant when it comes to the aspergian subculture, but to me it sounds as if such a word may turn into a dirty word such as derogatory terms like ******, kike, and retard and others of the like. it just seems to me to be a diminutive word for people that although they may have a certain condition, it stereotypes them and puts them into a box in which they may not all fit into. in my uncultured opinion aspergers is a condition and not a category nor an appropriate description for people that have this condition. it just seems to me that aspergers is a thing and should not turn into a pronoun or some form of classification to describe a person. what are you thoughts on this?

 

[arthousesalem]

Thank you for your opinion on the term Aspie. As a person who lives with it I have no problem using the term. And this site is called Aspies Central. This is a place of non judgement and we accept all
Hope it all goes well on your end.

 

[Grady]

Thank you for your opinion on the term Aspie. As a person who lives with it I have no problem using the term. And this site is called Aspies Central. This is a place of non judgement and we accept all
Hope it all goes well on your end.

thank you again for your assistance madam. you have calmed my bruised nerves. thank you

 

[Ereth]

Welcome, Grady.

As has been suggested, you ought to speak to your girlfriend about your concerns rather than let your imagination tell you the worst is happening. As far as the drugs go, it's not "abnormal" to use them, but I understand your worry. What needs to happen is a discussion about exactly what drugs are being used, how often, and the potential for addiction and/or arrest as a result of possession. Despite what you may think about her ASD, your girlfriend is an adult and she should be treated like one, even if she engages in behaviors that you would not.

We may have flashes of naivety at times, but I'd say that most of those of us on the spectrum who are able to function on our own aren't unaware of what we're doing.

 

[Salmongirl17]

Hello and Welcome!!

I'm not so sure that she's too different. There are kids my age even, who do drugs late at night friday and return to their sanity and home the next afternoon.
I'm not sure that this May have helped, I'm also not sure if she's a true friend or not. She seems to be keeping one too many secrets from you.

Good luck!

 

[Tarragon]

Sounds atypical of aspie behaviour to me, unless she has tried to overcompensate for her nature and the drugs have pushed her past a safe point.

Its incredibly naive of her to think what she does is safe. Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?

Depending on how long you have known her, have you noticed shifts in her behaviour at all? What you have described seems to me more manic than anything else, which makes me suspect some sort of bipolar issue. But, it could just be incredibly naive aspie behaviour. She won't take kindly to you telling her any of this, and she will have to learn the hard way

Drugs of course will cloud the issue, so anything goes with her behaviour I reckon. Expect a brick wall over this issue.

Edit:- ok, just spotted she's 26. And you also enjoy taking drugs. Well, this is I suppose part of the nature of the beast isn't it? She is old enough to know what she is doing.

 

[Grady]

Thank you all for your responses.

The consensus overall seems to be that my 26 year old gf is an adult and that she can make her own decisions despite her lack of social cues. She has Aspergers but she is not a child.
Ok, I guess I just need to talk with her about this behavior. I need to express to her that it makes me uncomfortable but that I will learn to deal with it. If partying alone in a club after her friends have gone home, with a bunch of strangers, and horny men in their twenties that give her free drugs to get in her pants makes her feel happy, I guess I can't deny her of that.

 

[Atay]

I don't know; this sounds like a major lifestyle mismatch. As yourself what personality type would fit with you in the long-run while identifying that this appears to be a strong part of her personality. My dad married my aspie mom partially because she was exciting. He then spent the next 27 years trying to make her "grow up," which was not healthy for either of them. Just give it some thought.

 

[Flinty]

I am a bit unsure if i should be mad or if I should excuse this behavior. I want to be tolerant and patient with my partner but I cannot help but think that a normal woman would not engage in this type of behavior.

My immediate answer to the first sentence was "neither". Intolerance of the behaviour does not immediately mean anger. It also means that in the long term, this is not necessarily a match.

Don't give "normal" people that much credit; a good number of them do engage in this kind of behaviour. (And a good number of them don't.)

 

[Ste11aeres]

If partying alone in a club after her friends have gone home, with a bunch of strangers, and horny men in their twenties that give her free drugs to get in her pants makes her feel happy, I guess I can't deny her of that.

If it makes her happy, maybe you can't prevent her doing that, but if it makes you unhappy, maybe it would actually be better if you broke up with her and found someone else.
Never compromise your standards or your own happiness out of fear of making her upset with you/losing her.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome Grady

I'm afraid I don't have much experience with drugs, or long distance relationships, but I agree with Ste11aeres. You need to be happy in the relationship, otherwise why are you there? You need to decide what's important, and what you can live with. Talking to her, and explaining your concerns in a logical manner will help her understand it is upsetting you. Hopefully talking will fix things for you; let us know how it goes!