my head keeps feeling pressure on and off

[paloftoon]

I was involved in a date one time, where the date went superb for both of us. I don't think the ex-date is taking it as hard as I am. I had made a lot of mistakes after the date with online communication, and at least I realize that now. What made it harder for me is that he could not use the phone basically. It seems that a lot of people in their 20s don't like to talk on the phone that much. I'm in my 30s.

My ex-date probably would've gone further than I would've, but I had asked him to stop and he did. What was interesting was that he is very shy, but after our talk, it attracted him so much that he made a 180 with me. Unfortunately that trust did not last after the first date, because I asked some inappropriate things online that invaded his privacy when I thought the questions were okay. In a way, I wish that person knew me or gave me a chance to get to know me in-person and talk over the phone because there is a lot of crucial tone missing.
This could have made a big difference.
But especially with his shyness, this also shows that I wanted to take the date/potential relationship way too fast, it way too fast for most people who aren't even shy probably too.

I now know better, but what is concerning is that I might do the same type of thing, but use different words and not realize that what I'm doing is the same thing as before. So, it's like will I really learn from before? I know I'm very capable and it's possible, but that these things can take time. I also realize that each person and potential date and relationship is different too because the flow can be different. So, whereas it might be okay to do or ask certain things in one situation may not be the case in another one. I haven't dated a whole lot, and I don't intend on using anyone I meet as a practice date, but this can end up being a very common thing.

So, I wouldn't consider my ex-date an "ex" because it never got to the point of a relationship. At the same time, I try to make deep connections as much as possible. We actually had quite a bit in common. So basically, this means that I'm pretty sure I feel like he is an "ex" to me in a way.

I've already seen 2 counselors yesterday (it just so happened I was able to see 2.) I was able to connect with 1 more than the other, but somehow I felt they still both helped anyway. One of them is a free service where I get a limited number of times to see them, and then that's it.

Sometimes my head will swell up with pressure. I guess it doesn't easily stop and takes time. I'm guessing some people are different. Because I tend to be such a personal person and I like to try to make deep connections, and because of my overeagerness to form a quality relationship basically, it seems to be affecting the pressure in my mind. Everything I do feels like a temporary fix.

Exercise helps me a lot more than it ever has before. The "fix" goes away after awhile.
I've been eating less. I still eat, probably a healthy portion, but I'm eating less. Ironically, I do need to lose weight.
Talking with friends and even reading the websites I saw below seem to help.
Even writing this for you to read is helping me.
I don't want this to be a permanent habit where I'm trying to do all these things for the rest of my life. I don't want these "weird" feelings to be dependent on trying to get another relationship. It seems just the idea of realizing this and expressing this is healthy for trying to move on. I have bouts of swells in my head, and then almost feeling fine when I talk or do some kind of activity. Doing some kind of activity has already been a common theme for me. Maybe depth in some activity not so much lately.

Despite the agony I feel, I would definitely go out with the person again if interest was shown again. I think at this time I might be naturally too eager for him or myself though. This also tells me that it's not a good idea to jump into another potential relationship and maybe to keep it casual at best (no casual sex or blow jobs for me.) I also just had another person contact me just now even though I've seen his profile forever. It looks like he's only interested in friendship though, so this might be a really good person for me to meet if he's willing and it gets to that point. On the other hand, because I am realizing a lot of important things and constantly trying to learn, if a potential date does occur, and if I know I'm going slow unless there is a good flow otherwise, this might be okay too. It's probably okay if the head swells completely stop.

From taking this process more seriously several months ago, I'd been fairly successful for someone who is not an athletic jock. I had quickly decided that if I was more open about what I wanted in a potential date that this would go over well with others looking at my profile. For instance, I had a few people proposition me for a sexual hookup and I was not into that. As a result, they blocked me. After a few instances of that, I made it specific that I was not into that kind of hookup. Even though I got less responses from doing that, the ones I did end up with definitely had more quality to them.

I am also still "friends" with this person on Facebook. The only thing that concerned me slightly is that there's always the possibility I could accidentally message him via phone from my pocket or via FB if the name clicked on is incorrect (a lot less likely, but possible). I don't need to remove him from FB. That is not bothering me at all. So what I did for now is I blocked messages and I was able to move the phone number on my cell to the "notes" section. I'm thinking I should leave my settings this way for at least 2 months so that there is no awkward "communication" on my part. I am still actually open with still trying to make it work with this person or building up true friendship with him or anyone I met except for one person who was starting to yell online at me like crazy, but I'm totally not expecting it. I'm putting that on the back burner, and will just have to deal with it if it actually happens, but I highly doubt it.

Also, off of two more online accounts, I attempted to add the person and he did not add or reject me. If I remove those requests, it comes off as I am never interested in him again possibly. Generally, apparently people just leave these things hanging. I have a tendency to want to be "efficient" and to "answer" these kind of requests. If I know I want to avoid contact completely, then removing those requests would be a good idea, but it seems if I want to faintly leave the possibility otherwise, I just leave it as is. It seems like maybe after like 6 months or a year, I could remove those hanging requests because it won't be a big deal and it would be all for "show" anyway?
This kind of dating "etiquette" I'm not so familiar with. Any help?

My openness to meeting people and not basing it only on looks, and being open to a relatively wide interval range is very helpful I think. If I'm not a match with someone, but I notice they have some interest in common with mine, I might contact them as well.

Any other suggestions or questions that can possibly help me with this issue of a swelling head on and off?
Is it a possible standard (is it "normal") to have head swells after a "break up"?
Thank you.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/116837-11-things-you-shouldnt-do-after-you-break-up-with-someone
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/8-things-survive-and-heal-after-breakup.html
https://www.buzzfeed.com/emmacooke2...-breakup-1ku65?utm_term=.ksy7DR7gk#.to3vzEv97

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

One of the things I've learnt about autism, is that frantically trying to second-guess other people's thoughts/expectations etc and act appropriately is extremely tiring, and, speaking for myself, explains why I'm always tired. I'm out of the workplace now, but I used to get a lot of headaches and migraines; sometimes, it was due to obvious work pressures, but other times, it must've been due to social stress. So I'd say that's why you're getting these headaches.
There's no pat answer to that, but the usual things like fresh air, head-friendly music, a nice walk, stroking a furry animal and getting plenty of rest will certainly help. If it turns into a full-blown migraine, then you may need to take painkillers, although I can understand if you're concerned about taking too many. If you're getting one after another, and/or they're at the back of your head, that could be cluster headaches - I used to get those too, and they're horrible!
I can also relate to your relationship difficulties. I expected to marry in my 20's and have children, and couldn't understand why I just couldn't make a relationship last, no matter what I did - I'd learn my mistakes from one relationship, only to make different ones in the next, if it lasted long enough for me to make them! Although I had my suspicions, I didn't know I was autistic until recently, as the information at the time was inaccurate and inadequate (I'm in my mid-50's), and I was blaming the men for being commitment-shy. Although there probably was some truth in that, I can now see with hindsight that I was trying too hard, and I think that's what you're doing.
There's no easy answer to that, I'm afraid. I can tell you that you're better off on your own than married to the wrong person, if it's marriage you're after. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but any marriage isn't better than no marriage, believe you me! I married at the ripe old age of 30, and although it's a lot better now, even more so since I've discussed my condition with my husband and he's taken it on board, it hasn't been easy. No marriage is, but for people with our condition and their/our partners, it's even less so.

 

[paloftoon]

From websites I read and activities I did, they helped a lot. I did a corn maze with a lot of walking and fresh air. I hung out with some friends for karaoke afterward. Then I was going to do rpgs with another friend, but the canceled that. Those things certainly helped. What also helped was talking about the situation with people that I could when I could throughout the day. A key thing that will help me get over this much more easily is that I was not given an opportunity to explain my thoughts civilly in-person despite how clear I was in my e-mail that the way things were coming off might not quite be what they seem. I couldn't even use the phone. Any friendship or relationship goes both ways. Gotten be open and allow for people to make mistakes and explain them. He is still kind of young in this regard. It's unfortunate. I think this could've been good if we were both willing to work it out or if I hadn't made those elementary mistakes. Also realizing that because he left me hanging in an e-mail he said he would reply to, it is not worth it for me to consider contacting like 6 months+ later on even if I've done counseling and feel I'm a different enough person. He may not feel that way and nor his friends. I do think the mistake is minor enough that I made. Also, I never even made it to an actual relationship with the guy, so it's now creepy (which I did not realize before until now) unless he contacts me since I'm receptive to consider talking things out to make things out. I doubt that will happen based on this interaction. Knowing that there is definitely nothing more I can do [on my end] helps a lot for me to move on.

 

[paloftoon]

A new person who just contacted all of a sudden wants casual you know what that starts with a "b"- geez! Too fast. I'm trying my luck so far anyway to have a conversation with him. Very skeptical though.