My mother keeps comparing me to normies

[AngelWings17]

Every time I do something that a normie doesn't do, my mother always says something like "A normal person would do/say this." When is she going to realize that I'm not a normal person and I never will be?

I don't know... What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?

 

[Alcyon]

I contend that no one person is "normal".

One of the greatest and most helpful things I have learned is that everyone is a freak, once one gets to know them. It's just that not everyone gets an official label, although that seems to be changing with each new DSM...

Me and my need for clarity: what exactly are the things that you and your mother are judging unusual? Why do you think she's bringing it to your attention?

 

[AngelWings17]

I contend that no one person is "normal".

One of the greatest and most helpful things I have learned is that everyone is a freak, once one gets to know them. It's just that not everyone gets an official label, although that seems to be changing with each new DSM...

Me and my need for clarity: what exactly are the things that you and your mother are judging unusual? Why do you think she's bringing it to your attention?

It's primarily the things that I say, or don't say. I don't really judge things as unusual as often as she does.

 

[Alcyon]

Not much to work with...

Are these interactions troubling non-acceptance or might they be "teaching moments"?

Though it sometimes drove me a little batty at the time, I am grateful for the work my parents did in teaching me the basics so I could stand a chance once released into the wild. Saying please and thank you, making the effort to understand what another was thinking, responding politely to a greeting, simple things like that were non-negotiable requirements. It does seem to make a difference; thanks mom and dad!

I'm fifty-four now, semi-retired; and they're still at it!

 

[Gary DuBois]

Every time I do something that a normie doesn't do, my mother always says something like "A normal person would do/say this." When is she going to realize that I'm not a normal person and I never will be?

I don't know... What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?

Your Beautiful and Your Username Too AngelWings17 tell your mom politley i am not normal and never will be because i have autism and i would like it if you were more understanding and patient and then be like it would be nice if you would learn about my autism and i love you mom

 

[AngelWings17]

That's where another problem lies. I have extreme difficulty expressing anything to my family because of how judgemental they are. Telling my mom that I was dropping out of college because of high amounts of stress, and wanted to work more, was one of the hardest things I've had to tell her. Because I knew how she'd react.

And Alcyon, I'm not sure what these moments are. They're just really annoying to me.

 

[Questella]

Every time I do something that a normie doesn't do, my mother always says something like "A normal person would do/say this." When is she going to realize that I'm not a normal person and I never will be?

I don't know... What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?

Omg I love it when they do this!! NOT! >:

(mother also)

 

[Allicat]

A thought and a suggestion.

It may be she is trying to help (although we know it isn't really helpful). She may think pointing out to you what she considers "normal" will automatically make you more socially aware and act the way she thinks you are supposed to. Yeah, we know that doesn't work, but I suspect she doesn't get that.

And a possible suggestion to sidestep her comments, if you are comfortable with it. My grandpa was the king of "helpful suggestions" (he was a science teacher in an all boys high school in the 1940s-1970s to give you an idea of how he approached people; he kinda looked at everyone like we were uneducated, misbehaving students. Dunno how my mom managed to survive!). Everything I did was wrong, and he was forever correcting me. And I was forever arguing and disagreeing (and getting in trouble).

My mom said to me one day, "Just yes him to death, then do what you need to do anyway." It made life around him SO much easier! You might want to try something like that with your mom. Maybe just thank her when she makes her suggestions. You wouldn't be agreeing with her, nor implying you're going to all of a sudden start doing what she's mentioned. Just acknowledging her comment in a polite fashion. It would let her know you heard her, and maybe help you avoid some aggravation.

 

[DudBomb]

My mom told me today, that if I knew what the problem was I could just change. This was on the way to the therapist. an argument ensued.

 

[Riley]

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way:

Your mom is a cold-farted itch.

My mom, though difficult, very stubborn, and off her rocker (Woman thinks dogs can talk), is actually pretty understanding. She just labels me as 'eccentric', and I like that. I'm proud to be a strange bird (Another title she's given me).

YOUR mom talks just like my brother. Who's...Not nice; In fact, I'm pretty much forbidden from talking to him. Me living makes him angry. My aforementioned mother, as well as others, insist he loves me. Once, that may have been true. But not anymore.
May have something to do with my inflammatory remarks...

Anywho: Said brother called me 'r*t*rd' and 'Austistic.' He even called this very site 'r*t*rd central.'

 

[Ylva]

At least the "normal person" living in her head wouldn't do or say that, because that person is using her imagination.

 

[Judge]

IMO "normal" often just reflects the power and tyranny of a social majority.

Social hegemony predicated by numbers- not reason or logic.

 

[AngelWings17]

GUYS! I'm looking for actual advice. Not random posts that have nothing to do with the questions I asked.

Here's what I asked: "What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?"

So far I've only gotten one piece of advice, and it's something that I can't do.

 

[Mr Allen]

Define "normal"?! Sorry but this level of ignorance in people winds me up immensely.

 

[Judge]

Here's what I asked: "What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?"

For starters you already answered your own question.

But then to expand upon it. That "can't" doesn't inherently mean "won't". That this is a neurological condition- and not merely a psychological one. To emphasize there are traits and behaviors you may have some control over, and others which you neurologically have no control over. With many of them at varying levels of ambience.

"Normal" in such a nebulous sense is not a social protocol you can simply adopt as your own out of sheer willpower. And that faking it to some degree is not the same. That we can't simply be "conditioned" like Pavlov's Dog.

 

[Ylva]

GUYS! I'm looking for actual advice. Not random posts that have nothing to do with the questions I asked.

Here's what I asked: "What do you guys think I should do? How should I tell her that I'm not ever going to be normal?"

So far I've only gotten one piece of advice, and it's something that I can't do.

I missed the piece of advice. So it might have been one of these:

Tell her her intolerance of difference basically makes her a Dursley.

Read aloud the good bits of articles/books on AS. Passages you would have highlighted; don't give her the whole book/article, that is bound to backfire. If she requires more subtlety, paraphrase the point and slip it into conversation.

Ask her to clarify what the normal person who lives in her head would have said/done in your place. This is probably the best one, because it focuses on her.

 

[Mia]

Used to have responses when my Mom said things like that:

I'd baa like a sheep.
Can we go to the mall? I need normal clothes.
I'll need birth control pills if I'm going to be normal.
All the normal kids have cars, so they can make out at the drive in.
So I should smoke pot and drink, are you giving me permission?

Whenever I said these things she would shake her head. Normal was her definition of normal, and she could never actually say what that was. Only that I was doing things that she didn't approve of; like riding my bike, swimming in the river, getting dirty, looking for fossils, hanging with friends whose parents she didn't know, reading too much. It was just control.

Once I asked her tell me what normal was, and she said that it was what everyone else did.

 

[Antonio]

My natural response would be to ask "why do normal people do that?" She may find the question really difficult to answer. If you keep pressing her to answer logically maybe one or both of you will learn something. In my experience, sometimes when you finally figure out why "normal" people do this or that, there's actually a good reason. Sometimes if there's a good reason we can learn to do it too. I like to try to be normal when its convenient and advantageous.

 

[Ylva]

Basically, ask her "What do you mean by that?" and never stop.

 

[Reedstorm17]

I asked my mom about two weeks ago why my life has been centered around trying to hide my differences, and she started listing things like, "So you could get a job, so you could have friends, so you could fit in..." and I just stopped listening because it's so ridiculous. Why should I have to pretend to be normal just so I can have friends? If my "friends" are people I have to fake myself around, then I'm better off with just a few close friends who see me for who I really am. I'm tired of living my life pretending to be someone I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, my parents did almost everything right. The only regret is that they made it seem like it was some terrible secret and I had to become as normal as possible. And they just don't understand, so I decided not to try to explain it and instead just stop faking myself, and if they have a problem with that, oh well. They don't control who I am.

Maybe this isn't the best way to deal with it, but it seems to be working.