My mother?..to try or not to try

[SolKit]

Ciao all,

so some may know from my other posts i have been thru it especially lately as i am sure. I took leap of faith so to speak earlier and called my mother after finally seeming to get the social confirmation outside of all the social confusion of ex girlfriend who seemed to have played me to get ahead.. long story short i slept in a literal hefty bag last night in a graveyard in raleigh nc to stay warm..(felt like an elf in a sock looking back..lol).. anyways mother and I have had a turbulent relationship and i cant tell if she cares or is only acting as such as in past ti grt what she wants as she needs help or something from me.. someone in my introduction post mentioned maybe trying alock on my door..(personally i didnt think she would answer phone after all she said and i remember yet i find myself torn.. do i go to homelesss shelter i have worked hard to get to after hitch hiking over 1600 miles taking the long way around as i look at it since last Wedneaday.. or do i go back and try for the 22nd time to maybe have a healthy relationship with mother as an adult?.. does she actually are or am i e
pathocally projecting as in oast she has shown sogns of serious narcissistic issues which she never took responsibility for.. anyways i love mother always have despite the things i have endured.. i always tell myself .. that maybe she did her best at time.. idk anyways i usually journal and make my own decision yet my body needs rest and i cant afford to make a decision and if she does push me out again so to speak and my only escape option os to walk go appalachian trail and then 15ish miles or whatever to next down as usually i end up feelin gaslit in past and socially and emotionally drained so much i am left unable to hitchhike and just needing to disappear.. maybe o could hide in said room..
the literal message i sent her
was "
is there any way we can get a lock on my
bedroom door so i can have privacy without fear of anyone coming in whenever they want in case i need to self isolate?.. and ill do my
best yet those
puppies man i will help if able when there i am constantly overloaded yet i am noticing mother.. do u only want me there to help or is that timing?.. i cant afford to be stuck there again and wanna trust u yet u didnt seem to remember as i remember the things u said before i left and they hurt so i need peace of mind..anyways thx in advance lmk pls. ciao! may redirect my bus idk because im nervous and dont want repeat of past when i try so very hard yet feel .. well lets start with do u know and see where i was trying to tell u i felt gaslit in truck and before i left or do u still think i was "verbally abusive"? as u claimed during which and only further gaslit and pushed me i to meltdown .. be honest please. thx. i am coping with a lot and personally didnt think iwould come back and im hesitant due to all this.. i al not verbally abusive
i try to express myself yet i.. imtired yet im doing my best.. and its all been real for me so.. thx in advance ciao"

anyways idk i am trying something different i love my mother very much and as most others in past i cut ties and went and healed and loved from a far.. idk of i am walking into a manipulation land mine again or what and i dont want to be or find myself talen advantage of at a moment of weakness when i am going thru it as i mentioned above.. its been a journey im 32 and man.. i just wanna live too.. anyways thx in advance. idk if i posted this in the right spot.. its later or early dependig on perspective and i havent slept yet so gonna nap after as this has been bothering me and after hours of contemplation and meditation i still find myself reaching out for other perspectives and data to maybe help me with making the best decision for ky well being.. which feels weird as i always and still feel sort of guilty or dirty so to speak for taking myself into consideration first as i have a tendency to give than take and im learning it seems to restrain that tendency so to speak.. i really dunno what to do.. bus take me about 2 hours away as i finally arrive at place woth shelter yet if mother does care it would be nice (and idk of im dreaming because i have been trhu so mich and pretty muchhomeless for betterpartof year wandering yet again..).. anyways thx for taking the time all.
gassho


Bonum Diem Habaes
ciao
-Kit

 

[Gerontius]

The Appalachian Trail is 2,190 miles of tough country. Careful with that one.
I would say, go to the homeless shelter. 22 attempts to deal with your mom and you still don't have a lock on your door sounds rough-- and I do not think she's ready to mend that relationship; perhaps it's better if you all live apart. Some adults find it easier to get along with parents when they don't live in the same house.
But sleeping in a Hefty bag in a cemetery is cold comfort. Try to get in out of the weather, get some food, ready yourself for the next leg of the trip.

Good luck Kit.

 

[SolKit]

The Appalachian Trail is 2,190 miles of tough country. Careful with that one.
I would say, go to the homeless shelter. 22 attempts to deal with your mom and you still don't have a lock on your door sounds rough-- and I do not think she's ready to mend that relationship; perhaps it's better if you all live apart. Some adults find it easier to get along with parents when they don't live in the same house.
But sleeping in a Hefty bag in a cemetery is cold comfort. Try to get in out of the weather, get some food, ready yourself for the next leg of the trip.

Good luck Kit.

Hmmm,
thx Gerontius, Gassho
I was thinking the same. I greatly appreciate u taking the time, benedictus.
Bonum Diem Habaes.

 

[SolKit]

seems shelter nobody will answer phone ..
22 is master builder number.. maybe it will be different.. idk yet i dont have many options so.. will check out shelter when i get there bus delayed so yeah .. oof..
ill check back later if anyone else has advice or wisdom etc. thx ..
ciao
-Kit

 

[SolKit]

p.s. her response..

"
I want you to come home because I miss you. I only asked for your help because you would be here.
No lock on the door. We are not changing my house.
Yes, I remember what was said in the truck. I had enough of what you were saying about me and the insults. So I said what I felt I needed. I love you but I am not forcing you to come home."

..
i feel unseen, unheard and i never insulted her i was gaslit as i said to meltdown and i caught myself checking myself and beginning to question my reality.. i feel i am
being punished as i always have been for having had meltdown after being gaslit and pushed into it and all the whole somehow trying to communicate openly.. then the door thing.. i feel dismissed and again as if i dont matter.. is it just me?.. maybe someone else outside this who has been thru it can see something i cannot or even reassure tho i am confused.. i feel so defeated.. and am trying to stop the self shaming as i feel shamed.. idk is it just me?..

-Kit

 

[SolKit]

p.s. to p.s.

she also sent..

"You should know that you can trust me. You know I don't go in your room when you are here. I knock in the door. I know you have been through hell. This is safe space. However, if you have a meltdown, please go out and yell at a tree. My heart condition can't handle the stress. I am here to catch you when you fall".. i am that i cannot tell if she means that or is just saying that out if fear of me disappearing from her life.. i want to trust her i wanna do that.. oof social sucks emotions suck oof im gonna chill and check back shortly if anyone please has any ideas or anything i greatly appreciate it.. oof.
gassho
..
-.-
-Kit

 

[Rodafina]

I think one of the key sentences in your post is where you said that you are trying something different. Yes, trying the same old thing for the 22nd or 140th time may not bring good results, but trying something totally new always has a chance of bringing different results.

Of course, you know this better than anyone, but shelter is one of our most basic needs to function. Without a place to comfortably rest and recharge, any human will find it difficult to process and function in life.

If you want, you could look up Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs, which highlights that the most basic human needs must be met in order to allow for higher functioning, like maintaining relationships and processing thoughts.

Spoiler

If managing your relationship and living with your mother is too detrimental right now, perhaps you could find some social supports available that could help you find housing and a secure place to simply rest your head every night.

 

[The Pandector]

The biggest question for me is how your mother feels that you are verbally abusing her. Frankly, I suspect that she has a point to make. If your life seems filled with meltdowns, and you yell at her during meltdowns, then she is probably getting more yelling than she can handle. As an autistic person, I can understand when any individual has had all they can take.

I’m not taking her side, or yours. I see you desperate to establish a working relationship with her. But I also hear her drawing a line about you yelling at her; that speaks of her desire to find a working arrangement. Consider the possibility that what you intend as constructive criticism may actually be delivered in a non-constructive manner. Look inside; can you have a meltdown at home without involving your mother? Take water and bread to your room, use the doorstop, and don’t come out until you are able to keep quiet. When you have done that just one time, you will have broken a cycle that is poisoning your life.

I’m baffled by the door lock issue and ‘changing the house.’ If you are ever back under her roof, maybe consider placing some sort of door stop to provide you with a sense of isolation and protection. You both obviously need to be creative if you’re ever going to live together.

I don’t know you, @SolKit, but I suspect you and your mother have the strong benefit of needing each other. You want to see each other change for the better. So, should you ever decide to go back to her house, you need to arrive with a small basket full of changes that YOU are willing and able to make in your own life.

I don’t see in your comments that you have a number of options. If you are able to live in a shelter environment (I would not be) and are unwilling/unable to make the bottom line changes your mother requires, then living with the sadness of the failed relationship may be preferable.

If you are able, I recommend searching your own soul for your own failings in the relationship. Can you list a few important things that you could change if the quality of your life depended on it? Because, it does. Take that list to your mother; bargain and plead with her to join in the adjustments.

Forgot the lock; it ain’t happening and now it’s just a roadblock to negotiations. Buy a one-dollar doorstop. It’s better than sleeping in a baggie.

But, if you can’t make that sort of simple adjustment to your life, then I wouldn’t be expecting her to do so, either. I want to see you well fed and warm at night more than I want to see everything look fair and mutually respectful. Relationships are a lifetime of hard work.

May the Lord bless your journey.

 

[SolKit]

I think one of the key sentences in your post is where you said that you are trying something different. Yes, trying the same old thing for the 22nd or 140th time may not bring good results, but trying something totally new always has a chance of bringing different results.

Of course, you know this better than anyone, but shelter is one of our most basic needs to function. Without a place to comfortably rest and recharge, any human will find it difficult to process and function in life.

If you want, you could look up Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs, which highlights that the most basic human needs must be met in order to allow for higher functioning, like maintaining relationships and processing thoughts.

Spoiler

View attachment 101664

If managing your relationship and living with your mother is too detrimental right now, perhaps you could find some social supports available that could help you find housing and a secure place to simply rest your head every night.

... Yes .. and despite knowing the refresher and pic are greatly appreciated and is well refreshing, i agree also i keep changing an adapting myself yet yes and mother is offering place so if she maybe does respect as she says my space and belongings i dont care then.. something else different is i have learned and grown since .. 1600miles hitchhikes and am nearly full circle now lol.. the irony.. anyways maybe something else is i am here finally in the forums and have been finally reaciing out and feel i a way inspired and not so alone since i did here on foruma and support i have received so far..having a virtual place helps more than i knew so maybe that plus somply knowing her patterns trying to not let myself get baited if she is in a mood and atick to my room.. i need a few months for all the movement i have done.. 10k miles between march and now arpund country seeking clarity healing and trying over and over again.. also dont have my now ex girlfriend either and all the unneeded social confusion i was dealing with and the ptsd feom what i endured trying to have a helathy relationship over lqst year and a half.. im on the mend.. so maybe i ahould try one last time thats what my intuition may be saying so yeah.. idk the synchronicities and universal confirmations seems to point back too its weird yet idk i guess ill aee what jappens and can go to shelterif jeeded worst case .. sorryfor typis on phone and so many adds typijg nearly blind while walking.. thoughts welcome and ideas as in my mind i feel it is similar yet a dofferent attempt as i try something diferent everytime so idk worst case i hermit away a bit idk.. i do know i need i rest and heal.. i have learned a lot about tactics to not fall victim to narcissistic tendencies of the ones i may have masked in past or others.. so i can work on myself and try i do love my mother and i may be stupid yet i wanna believe she can grow and cares too.. yet i know i can change me and adapt.. that makes sense to me does it anyone else?(logic checks?)
ciao

-kit

 

[SolKit]

yo i freaking love and appreciate u guys.. gonna meditate and do that wow i feel that and yes i am always working on myself
and i didnt consider or think to despite constantly thinking of it and yes i will give mother a try then.. faith and stuff and yeah i have been actively working on redirecting my self because of the communication blocks between us yet yeah.. all great points..
going to kno k on the sky and listen to the sound and process..
ciao coao benefictus and bonum diem habaes.
-kit
‍

 

[SolKit]

ciao all..
checkin in.. bit lonely had yet enjoying my own company and embracing it.. mother seems ti be trying tho i see her patterns and am learning more regularly had it not been for the wisdom, kindness and insight i received here i may slill be sleeping in hefty bag in graveyards to be safe and warm thru the night... oof yep.. huggin trees. embracing heartbeak i dont wanna believe girl i love used me over last year and half thru all this.. im sick of it this is why i dont like dating yet im so tired of feeling lonely in that area.. part of me wishes i never asked to experience love as life has been nonstop heartbreaks.. about to disappear and do some art and sia interests as i reassemble and repair myself adapting thru all i havbe learned.. i a, trying hard not to hate myself at this time for standing my ground and speaking my truth openly.. why are people useless and weak? why wont they work on their problems before bringing others in... i get it if i was not transparent from beginning yet i was and always am, i feel defeated and gave it my all despite it i tried everything even left many times in past after standing said ground, would heal and try again when i was confused only as of now it seems it was only physical for her and worst to this day this woman i care for and love my soultsuma and ex as of within an hour recently.. im trying to readapt habits journaling like crazy as always.. anyways coping snd stimming embracing.. havent had a good night sleep in idk how long .. i despise myself for having autism in past during times like this as i always self shame and blame due to it seems a Nt dominated world.. got my star gripped tight chakras aligned and chillin in the solace of the darkness of the void.. meditating, wanted to check in, as im phoneless finally saved and got ipad i am trying to draw on, while enduring mothers tendencies and patterns i can only have faith and manifest, as i try to pay it forward even by my mere life experience momental shares.. maybe my struggles will help someone, or at very least its nice to feel for the moment i have some place for once to share this where i may actually be and end up feeling heard and understood... mother said something that i didnt realise tol later seemed to gaslight me, "its time" as i just told her (feeling dtupid for it, yet its my mother should i keep shaming myself for trying ?.. i feel like some data resource to others especially specific types of neurotypicals as thry seem to feed on it, yet i have always shared so maybe it will help them in this life or the next, cheers to the soul journey.. anyways back to being sad and workinthru the trauma, pain and loss and figure out all the other emotions while juggling stupid alexithymia at times for foreign ones meaning emotions and their associations as i learn and grow thru what i go thru.. u are all loved, be excellent, and thanks to those who take them time i am grateful despite it all please dont misunderstand i a, counting my blessings.. its so hard to word when they dont seem to touch it and then never seem to explain right idk if its due to social not being first language ans always feels wrong and off to me and primitive.. yet communication openly is key.. whoever else may be struggling, ur worth it, ur amazing, be kind to yourself and others, same as i told my ex the one i felt may have actually been the love of my life... u can do it, take your time or someone else will, even yourself if not careful.. i wish humanity would stop the rude dumbazz things since we should and can see in history it doesnt work.. i just dont get it.. i never have maybe never will, tho i see it, anyways im doing my best, stay blessed.
bonum diem habaes,
Kit