My name is Christophe and I have just been diagnosed with aspergers

[Christophe]

Hi everyone,
I've never done this before and im a bit nervous, but here we go:

My name is Christophe and I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and OCD. Then I saw a new psych and I've just been diagnosed with Aspergers as well as what I listed above and on top of that... I've been diagnosed with Bartenella.
I'm just waiting on the other rock to fall... (What else can go wrong)... Oh yes, I'm getting an operation on Tuesday.

It's hard not to be negative, I was raised to brush things off and move on, to attack all problems head on... Well I can't do that anymore. I don't have the strength or the will.

I don't sleep, we'll you know what I mean; I sleep for 30 minutes and wake up, sleep for 30 minutes and wake up and reapeat. Until I wake up for the day at about 1 or 2 am. Because I can't stand it anymore.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, no support since my parents don't believe in my diagnoses... They don't believe in Aspergers, depression, anxiety, OCD, Bartonella. That breaks my heart I'm not who I used to be, my wife and baby girl (15 months old) don't recognize me, my wife wants to leave me if this does not go away quickly, she can't take it much longer, can't say I blame her though...

My wife does not like talking about my conditions, it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I try to hide it but to no avail. I don't like to be touched, I'm more and more impatient, I have to check the stove, doors, windows, alarm system... Twice to satisfy myself that all is done before I leave the house.

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a pit most days but some remote days I do see a lite above me like someone has removed
The lid off the pit, I see and hear people and sounds that apparently not there... But I swear they are and sometimes feel like people are playing tricks on me. (I seem to be an easy target for mean people) If I touch my right hand with my left, I have to do it twice. As an example.

I have no short term memory, I drive to the store and when I get there, I forget why I'm there, I have to walk all the lies to see if I can remember and most of the time it does not even work. I take notes but forget that I wrote it down so that does not help.

It's so frustrating that I drive around at night and look for drunk people to pick a fight and allow them to beat me up, knowing full well that I could take on 3 of them at the same time with my training.

My battery is about to die so ill add to this latter if I can


There is so much to say that I can't possibly put everything on this post.

Thanks for listening... Reading, :/

 

[Soup]

Hi Christophe!

Welcome to the forum. Many people here have been or are in a boat similar to your own wherein they struggle with multiple compounding conditions with little hope of relief. Please feel free to discuss the details of your condition to the extent that you are comfortable: we tend to be supportive & good listeners. Bartonella can be co-morbid with chronic Lyme disease. Have you been camping or in a wooded area? You might want to get screened for Lyme just to rule it out. It can cause cognitive symptoms like the short term memory lapses you describe as well as depression.

I see how this can be hard on your wife since you also have a toddler. She too needs support & a husband she can rely on to be there but since you are burdened by a heap of medical concerns, you can only do so much.

"It's so frustrating that I drive around at night and look for drunk people to pick a fight and allow them to beat me up, knowing full well that I could take on 3 of them at the same time with my training." -Christophe

The behaviour above is one you may want to prioritize for addressing. It can get you killed, maimed or possibly imprisoned for doing so to someone else. In the event that your wife does leave, it would provide sufficient grounds to bar you from having any access to your child. The behaviour also seems to have nothing whatsoever to do with your other problems. Have you discussed this with your doctor or with a good psych?

Since being an Aspie is a difference & not a disease, there's no sense in driving yourself nuts over it. It is a part of who you are & how you're wired. These other issues, though, CAN be addressed over time-which is something positive. Please feel like you are in a safe place & that you will be heard here.

 

[Christophe]

Soup,
thank you for your reply's to my Threads... please understand that the point of me driving around looking for fights is to punish myself and basically pass the time because I cant sleep and feel like im an awfull person. I'm looking for someone to hurt me, so I dont have to do it myself. Not the other way arround. I would not want to put my family in danger.
How else can I punish myself for not being a good father and husband to my family? I try my best but simply get drained of energy so quickly that im unable to be a proper father, a father and husband my daughter and wife deserves.

 

[Soup]

Punishing yourself is not the point & it is self-serving in that it keeps you focused on yourself & how badly you feel & helps nobody. Involving an innocent bystander (whether a homeless drunk or a fortune 500 CEO) in fighting with you underscores the dysfunction & selfishness you are exhibiting. I'm not judging your intentions: many people choose all kinds of forms of self-punishment from cutting to self-starvation to engaging in high risk driving. Please stop doing this AND don't switch it for another form of self-punishment: you deserve medical & psychological assistance & support with your struggles: NOT punishment. Think, too, of the other person you unwittingly involve in this nonsense: what if he takes a swing at you & you fall back & are severely injured: next thing, HE's off to prison for the rest of his life. If you tussle with him & he falls & is badly hurt or worse, you are in prison.

If you can find the time & energy to engage in this behaviour, you can do more at home.

 

[Arashi222]

First of all welcome to AC. Second of all take a big deep breath. Sometimes its hard for people to understand mental health and genetic disorders like AS. You are welcome to hang about here and get support most of us do. Hugs I hope things settle a bit for you and that maybe having your wife sit down with you in a therapy session so that things can be explained in a safe environment for you and for her. So you don't have to be the only one there like a buffer.