my parental unit thinks i'm lazy/how do i be motivated?

[aramesia]

first off, i hope this is the right spot for this kind of thread...

the reason i can tell my mom doesn't truly understand how i function with autism is because she more or less called me lazy for not going to school today. she sounds right, and in most cases i'd agree with her, but hear me out!

i live in the north, and my school is in the south, because i decided to go to an "alternative" (hippie) program. i wake up at 6:50am every morning (and i'm a bit of a night owl) and take three buses there. i take two buses home. a total round trip is about three hours, an hour and a half to school and an hour and a half back. i'm a good worker, and i get good grades in school, but lately it's hard for me to motivate myself. my executive dysfunction is back with a vengeance and i find myself distracted at school easily, plus it's easier to work at home for me. recently it's got to the point where sometimes, i can barely get myself out of bed because the routine is so draining.

on certain days, like today, i feel so drained that i just say "screw it" and stay home. i don't just do nothing, of course; i touch base with my teachers, ask them to email me reviews of class discussions and notes, and work on the homework i've brought home. i didn't even have much that was supposed to be worked on and i finished it all! then, my mom came home...

of course, i told her and my dad that i wasn't going to go this morning, because i'm a good kid like that . i came downstairs, and mom started on this whole "you're almost an adult, you can make your own decisions, it's your choice whether or not to value education" thing. the way she said it made it seem like i DIDN'T value the education and the program i was getting, and she even talked about this woman she knew who got laid off at work today because she was "a little lazy and didn't want to do things", even though the real reason she was laid off was because we're having a freaking oil crisis and companies are laying people off left and right.

with that backstory all laid out, here's my problem: how do i explain to mom that this routine is draining me and i'm doing the best i can? and for that matter, how do i motivate myself to do even the draining tasks that i'm expected to do?

 

[Gritches]

Sounds to me like you've got yourself put together pretty well, but that commute sounds absolutely brutal. I'm going to remember your story when I'm complaining about my 1 hour commute to work.

If you have the need to self-motivate to do something other than a single, isolated, unpleasant task, there's a problem. To say that another way, if you feel like you need motivation just to do the same thing you do every day, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle. When you're stuck in a situation like that, you just have to take it day-by-day until it's over with.

I always used to hate the phrase "take things one day at a time" because how the hell else am I supposed to take them? A week at a time? But I learned that it means to focus on today, and just today. Making yourself happy today. Getting through today. And eventually, you'll have gotten through enough "today"s that your situation changes. Eventually, your education will be finished.

Living day-by-day isn't easy. A good way to make it through is to do one small, special thing every day. I'm sure you pass by many shops during your commute, what I mean by something small and special is maybe stop in to a gas station and get a candy bar that you haven't had in a long time, or a coffee shop and grab your favorite coffee to go. Just mix it up, make something about each day special, and live them one at a time and before you know it the unpleasantness will be over and you'll have moved on to bigger and better things.

I have no idea what to say to your mom. It doesn't sound like she quite understands the whole situation. But I'm not exactly an expert on healthy relationships with one's mother, so I'll leave that alone.

 

[aramesia]

Sounds to me like you've got yourself put together pretty well, but that commute sounds absolutely brutal. I'm going to remember your story when I'm complaining about my 1 hour commute to work.

If you have the need to self-motivate to do something other than a single, isolated, unpleasant task, there's a problem. To say that another way, if you feel like you need motivation just to do the same thing you do every day, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle. When you're stuck in a situation like that, you just have to take it day-by-day until it's over with.

i suppose i ought mention it comes and goes--usually, i can be pretty motivated! i just need a break in my routine sometimes, esp if it's not "fun".

I always used to hate the phrase "take things one day at a time" because how the hell else am I supposed to take them? A week at a time? But I learned that it means to focus on today, and just today. Making yourself happy today. Getting through today. And eventually, you'll have gotten through enough "today"s that your situation changes. Eventually, your education will be finished.

...but that's a good strategy. i tend to overthink things in the long run, anyway...

Living day-by-day isn't easy. A good way to make it through is to do one small, special thing every day. I'm sure you pass by many shops during your commute, what I mean by something small and special is maybe stop in to a gas station and get a candy bar that you haven't had in a long time, or a coffee shop and grab your favorite coffee to go. Just mix it up, make something about each day special, and live them one at a time and before you know it the unpleasantness will be over and you'll have moved on to bigger and better things.

I have no idea what to say to your mom. It doesn't sound like she quite understands the whole situation. But I'm not exactly an expert on healthy relationships with one's mother, so I'll leave that alone.

eehh, i do, but often i don't have the time to get stuff. the only stop i really have time to go grab something is when i pass by a starbucks, but even then i'm usually trying to conserve money. :/

i'll definitely take your advice into consideration, though! maybe i just need to drag my sorry arse to spring break. thanks!

 

[wight]

It sounds to me like you have yourself together, are self-aware, and are striking a good balance between meeting your responsibilities and self-care.

I just (no kidding, like 2 days ago) had a conversation with my boss about this. I'll have to skip the personal details, but essentially she needed reassurance that "taking a break" or "needing a day off" was OK.

It took me a long time to realize that if I took a break when I needed one, it didn't mean I was "lazy" or "doing a bad thing".

IMO, I don't see this as your problem, but rather you Mom's expectations/perspective is the problem. Which there is nothing you can do about, really.

 

[Bella Pines]

with that backstory all laid out, here's my problem: how do i explain to mom that this routine is draining me and i'm doing the best i can? and for that matter, how do i motivate myself to do even the draining tasks that i'm expected to do?

Yes, I agree with above. Your assessment sounds very mature and self aware.

So firstly, be aware that although most of us understand you and will have tips that may or may not help, none of us know you in real life and we are all effectively strangers on the internet. So take the advice with due diligence and analyse it as you would anything else.

Now I have aspergers, I'm older that you, probably quite a lot. I have 2 kids and a 2 hour commute to work. The bad news is that it doesn't get any easier. The good news is that there are many coping mechanisms and eventually you will develop your own and be able to share them with others. So I would say:

• Know that what your parents are really saying is that they care a great deal for you and want you to succeed.
• Don't expect them to ever really understand you, in the same way that you may never truly understand them. However, you may be able to settle on a mutual understanding.
• Communicate, slowly and carefully. Explain that the journey is tiring and you are making up the work, show them the work.
• Don't get angry, you may have to repeat this in excess of 50 times and they may still not agree.
• FIND A WAY TO COPE. One day you'll have a job, it may involve a commute. My main job is in computers and I am lucky that I can work from home once or twice a week, but this was not always the case.
• Try out different coping mechanisms: Get a book. Get a laptop. Install a game. Write stories. Reward yourself with breakfast when you arrive. Get headphones, listen to music. Make the commute disappear by taking your mind away.
• Try to enjoy the peace and convince your brain that you want to do it.

You can train your brain to do anything. Good luck xx