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My Parents Want Me Cured.
- Thread starter BruceCM
- Start date
I don't think they're in denial. The problem with your argument is that there may be a cure for AIDS and cancer, in the future. They know there isn't a cure for AS now but that's not the issue. It's about whether AS is a disease or not. If it is, then every attempt should be made to find a cure.
As a homosexual aspie, OH! I can tell you my father at least wanted a cure for both (he wasn't familiar with my aspergers, but wanted me to take on a more social role with him and others). I wish I could tell you it stopped and he became accepting...but it hasn't stopped...he does try, and has become more tolerant. That was because of some advise his mother gave him, about whether it was him wanting me to be happy and different, or miserable and conforming...and was it about his discomfort or mine. So, maybe try it from the angle of you being happy the way you are and needing them to support your happiness, even if they wish things were different (NT).
On the argument front....one day artificial genetic manipulation might be able to eliminate both homosexuality and autism....though both have been rough roads, ultimately they are "me" and without either I'd be someone other than who I am now, and I kinda like me. That's why I am conflicted about curing abnormalities, I think it is the challenges in life that make us interesting.
On the argument front....one day artificial genetic manipulation might be able to eliminate both homosexuality and autism....though both have been rough roads, ultimately they are "me" and without either I'd be someone other than who I am now, and I kinda like me. That's why I am conflicted about curing abnormalities, I think it is the challenges in life that make us interesting.
Obviously, the difficulty with that is I'm not exactly happy! That's due to the social difficulties. If it was, somehow, possible to 'cure' those without changing who I am, that'd be great. But most of the problems are still lack of acceptance. Much more than the Aspergers, really.
How do you know when you are "cured"? Some people would look at me and say that I am "cured" or that I never really was autistic in the first place. But they do not know my history. Back in the Dark Ages when I was young, it was considered a big disgrace to have a child with emotional/mental problems. So a lot of effort was put into covering up/denying/behavior modification. Yes, it "worked". I have a job, can support myself, and pretty much pass for normal about 95% of the time. But it's that 5% that will get you every time. I constantly live in fear that my "secret" will be discovered. I have lost friends because of my "secret". No, they don't come out and say that, they always have some excuse, but the bottom line is I am always the one to blame. I ask too much of people, I s***t on everyone who has ever been good to me, that sort of thing.
The way I look at it is like this: imagine that all through your childhood you have had to wear glasses. Then, when you turn 18 the glasses are taken away. You are now cured. You don't need them anymore. So why the hell are you still walking into walls? What is wrong with you? All you are doing is looking for attention. There's no problem with your eyes. That is how many non-autistic people look at autism.
The way I look at it is like this: imagine that all through your childhood you have had to wear glasses. Then, when you turn 18 the glasses are taken away. You are now cured. You don't need them anymore. So why the hell are you still walking into walls? What is wrong with you? All you are doing is looking for attention. There's no problem with your eyes. That is how many non-autistic people look at autism.
Bruce, do you still live with your parents? Are they both neurotypical? Are there others like you in your extended family?
You can learn better social skills. My social skills are poor, but much better than they were, say, 20 years ago. You can learn to be more aware of when you are offending people, boring people. You can learn to tell the difference between people being friendly to you and people mocking you. You won't pick them up as easily as NTs, you do need to be consciously aware of the body language of others and you do need to learn to pull yourself up on the behaviours that cause problems in your social interactions with people.
If you are unhappy and your parents just want you to be happier then that is a good thing. But they need to understand that there is no cure, and anyone who claims to be able to cure autism/aspergers is a quack.
You can learn better social skills. My social skills are poor, but much better than they were, say, 20 years ago. You can learn to be more aware of when you are offending people, boring people. You can learn to tell the difference between people being friendly to you and people mocking you. You won't pick them up as easily as NTs, you do need to be consciously aware of the body language of others and you do need to learn to pull yourself up on the behaviours that cause problems in your social interactions with people.
If you are unhappy and your parents just want you to be happier then that is a good thing. But they need to understand that there is no cure, and anyone who claims to be able to cure autism/aspergers is a quack.
Bruce, I did a google on "social skills for adults with aspergers". There is a heap of advice, books etc out there.
I won't recommend anything specific for you based on my brief browsing, that would be doing you a disservice. But do give it a try, you might be able to come up with a few ideas and suggestions that you can discuss with your parents.
I won't recommend anything specific for you based on my brief browsing, that would be doing you a disservice. But do give it a try, you might be able to come up with a few ideas and suggestions that you can discuss with your parents.
I have read LOTS of books, thanks. Whilst I'd be prepared to read lots more, they simply can't explain some things. It's too easy for anybody else to claim I'm misunderstanding the parts I do understand &/or dismiss it as 'just book learning' or something. No, I don't live with my parents but I still see them most weeks. This thread is only about how to put the case against the 'cure' for AS, not all the other social stuff. That's covered elsewhere.
aditdragon
Well-Known Member
Look Closer
Kate Goldfield
I was inspired to write this after spending the evening with a good friend of mine who just happens to have AS. I thought about what the casual observer might see in him, and I thought about what I see in him. I think he's beautiful. I wanted to express that in this piece of writing. What's on the surface is not always, without doubt, what's on the inside. People are deeper than they seem. Most of the time.
Not of this earth
In her own world, you say
Not one of us
Don't understand her behavior
Things you might say
Oh, but if you only knew
All that we are, all that we can be
If you look at it from our point of view
Human encyclopedias, they call us sometimes
Constantly spouting facts, intensely interested
in dinosaurs, or baseball statistics, or music
Nerd, they say, don't you ever have fun?
But this is fun for us
Having control over information, over facts, gives us
a sense of control of our world
Facts are concrete, they make sense, they never change
This is a big comfort to us
Socially awkward, they call us
Don't know what to say, just stand there from the outside looking in
Wanting to join in but not knowing how
Dressed the wrong way, moving the wrong way, never quite in sync with everyone else
But we're trying
What you would see if you looked deeper is sincerity
Honesty, thoughtfulness, joy, intelligence
There's a person in here
A person with so much to offer
Look closer
Not age-appropriate, they say
Too interested in younger children's toys, younger children's games
Thirty-eight and he still plays with Legos
Twenty four and she still has a child's simplicity
But what is so bad about simplicity?
That thirty-eight year old is one of the most intelligent people I know
That thirty-eight year old has compassion, kindness, and empathy like I've never seen
The twenty four year old brings a little more joy to the world;
she gets to the heart of the matter
No, there's nothing wrong with having a child's outlook
A look of fear always on his face
The music is too loud, he can't stand the feel of his clothes
Smells of perfume, cigarette smoke make it hard to think
Too much going on at once, too much to process
He is overwhelmed
You get impatient with him.
"Come on!" you say. "Don't let every little thing get to you!"
Strange, think the other kids. What's with him?
But if you could only see
the strength, the resillience he posesses in order to be in this world
the amount of effort he makes on a daily basis
If you could see the beautiful side of his sensitivity
A sunset more dazzling than you could ever imagine,
a joy more radiant than you ever thought possible
Pleasant smells, favorite music, books, games, interactions
He gets more out of this world in a day than you do in a week
He feels everything, he drinks everything in
The world may be too much sometimes,
but it takes very little to make it wonderful again
"Stop doing that!" they say. "You're embarassing me!"
The shame you feel just for being yourself, for not being able to
follow the hidden rules they set
We can't look you in the eye, because it hurts too much
We can't sit still, hands flapping, leg tapping, eyes squinting,
squirming in our seats
Focus on what we say, not what our bodies do
This isn't what we look like in our mind's eye
See it from our point of view
Look closer
See who we really are
We want to connect with you, we want to be part of the world
But we need your help to navigate the divide
We need you to interpret
We need support, understanding, and acceptance for who we really are
So that we will have the strength to go and make our mark on this world
I found this poem in a beautiful site about asperger, the writer is an aspie herself. here's the link:
http://aspiefrommaine.webs.com/
Kate Goldfield
I was inspired to write this after spending the evening with a good friend of mine who just happens to have AS. I thought about what the casual observer might see in him, and I thought about what I see in him. I think he's beautiful. I wanted to express that in this piece of writing. What's on the surface is not always, without doubt, what's on the inside. People are deeper than they seem. Most of the time.
Not of this earth
In her own world, you say
Not one of us
Don't understand her behavior
Things you might say
Oh, but if you only knew
All that we are, all that we can be
If you look at it from our point of view
Human encyclopedias, they call us sometimes
Constantly spouting facts, intensely interested
in dinosaurs, or baseball statistics, or music
Nerd, they say, don't you ever have fun?
But this is fun for us
Having control over information, over facts, gives us
a sense of control of our world
Facts are concrete, they make sense, they never change
This is a big comfort to us
Socially awkward, they call us
Don't know what to say, just stand there from the outside looking in
Wanting to join in but not knowing how
Dressed the wrong way, moving the wrong way, never quite in sync with everyone else
But we're trying
What you would see if you looked deeper is sincerity
Honesty, thoughtfulness, joy, intelligence
There's a person in here
A person with so much to offer
Look closer
Not age-appropriate, they say
Too interested in younger children's toys, younger children's games
Thirty-eight and he still plays with Legos
Twenty four and she still has a child's simplicity
But what is so bad about simplicity?
That thirty-eight year old is one of the most intelligent people I know
That thirty-eight year old has compassion, kindness, and empathy like I've never seen
The twenty four year old brings a little more joy to the world;
she gets to the heart of the matter
No, there's nothing wrong with having a child's outlook
A look of fear always on his face
The music is too loud, he can't stand the feel of his clothes
Smells of perfume, cigarette smoke make it hard to think
Too much going on at once, too much to process
He is overwhelmed
You get impatient with him.
"Come on!" you say. "Don't let every little thing get to you!"
Strange, think the other kids. What's with him?
But if you could only see
the strength, the resillience he posesses in order to be in this world
the amount of effort he makes on a daily basis
If you could see the beautiful side of his sensitivity
A sunset more dazzling than you could ever imagine,
a joy more radiant than you ever thought possible
Pleasant smells, favorite music, books, games, interactions
He gets more out of this world in a day than you do in a week
He feels everything, he drinks everything in
The world may be too much sometimes,
but it takes very little to make it wonderful again
"Stop doing that!" they say. "You're embarassing me!"
The shame you feel just for being yourself, for not being able to
follow the hidden rules they set
We can't look you in the eye, because it hurts too much
We can't sit still, hands flapping, leg tapping, eyes squinting,
squirming in our seats
Focus on what we say, not what our bodies do
This isn't what we look like in our mind's eye
See it from our point of view
Look closer
See who we really are
We want to connect with you, we want to be part of the world
But we need your help to navigate the divide
We need you to interpret
We need support, understanding, and acceptance for who we really are
So that we will have the strength to go and make our mark on this world
I found this poem in a beautiful site about asperger, the writer is an aspie herself. here's the link:
http://aspiefrommaine.webs.com/
Well, there's this odd thing that I can't talk about wanting 'acceptance'. Suddenly, although anybody else wants it, too, it's not reasonable for me to want it. Or I'll be told it's up to me to conform, in that case or to 'accept myself as I am', as if I'm not supposed to want to grow & develop. Although it'd soon be criticised if I suggested doing that. Are there any ideas that relate to reality at all?
Bruce, have you tried explaining that, while you'll always have AS, people's AS traits often become less severe as they get older? Also, I think I would probably try to explain how, even if there was a "cure" for AS, most adults with AS are probably well past the point where a "cure" would make much difference. I think that even all of my AS traits magically disappeared when I woke up tomorrow, I think having lived with AS for so long would still have a profound effect on me. Even if there was a "cure" for AS, I don't think it would make me "normal."
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freddiedalladay
Well-Known Member
I've found it rather awkward with my father, in the respect that he says he's okay with me being gay - yet when I was growing up, if anyone asked if I was, he would say otherwise, vehemently. Similar think with having AS. He thinks his way of doing things is the correct one, that AS is curable if you follow how he operates, how he thinks, how he sees, how he eats and sleeps, etc. Thankfully I have less problems now that I live by myself (well, in an adult houseshare) - we actually get along a lot better.
My biggest issue was he couldn't grasp that I wasn't just shy - I feel socially inept to a large degree, but in a strange way. Those I live with, I trust, and therefore I can talk with. Yet if I were to go out clubbing, if I didn't meet a friend beforehand, I would be incredibly anxious and I wouldn't approach anyone - even friends (if they approach me though, it's fine). He didn't seem to understand it's not that I don't want to socialise. It's that I feel I can't, except under certain circumstances. Even at university, I have only two friends. I will only talk to them, or to staff.
Independence for me has solved part of the problem - but still left me with severe issues, which I struggle with. But as for AS being curable, I can't see how that's possible, since it's essentially our brains being 'wired' differently (as we all know!). I generally tend to resent if people imply that it is 'curable', since it generally signifies ignorance (for a lack of better words).
Bruce, to come think of it you are technically legallly old enough to make your own decissions right since you are like over 18 so it shouldn't really be up to your parents decission and on the other hand, you could show them this site to get the right idea? 
Of course I'm an adult, thanks. My parents don't spend that much time online but I have given them links to forums. I was seeing if anybody had any good ideas how to present the case against a cure. So far, I don't see anything that'd convince me, if I hadn't made up my mind already. Are there any good arguments against it or not?
KinksFan
Well-Known Member
One time I asked my mum if she thought that there should be a cure for autism. She responded by saying that there should be a cure for every illness so that everybody can live their lives in peace. I told my mum that I don't want to be cured or wish for a cure to come about, because I enjoy my quirks too much. All of those years of her thinking that I should be cured were shattered by me speaking my own honest opinion. I'm lovin it. 
nintendogurl1990
Well-Known Member
My mom is OK with me having Aspergers, but my grandmother would like for there to be a cure because she thinks my life would be easier without it. I was slightly offended when she said that because I feel having Aspergers has only made me a stronger person because I'll admit, it is hard having communication problems on a daily basis, but hey, that's life. Everyone has a cross to bear. It's just the way it is.
aspirejohn
Well-Known Member
That's absolutely beautiful, and so so true.
Since, surely, there isn't any debate that cures for illnesses are good, where are the actual arguments for Aspergers not being an illness? Oops, there aren't any! Suppose a psycopath doesn't want to be cured, is anybody saying they should be left, to go around murdering people? Presumably not! Would people try to present some reasoning, please? That's supposed to be something we're relatively good at.
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