My sister is making things up

[Owliet]

She does this quite often and each time I have forgiven her but it’s still hurtful and this time around after something good happening for her, and I was happy for her and said so, and then when I was telling her that I was too tired for something but was complementary to her artwork that she wa currently doing on the screen, she had her chat window open and I saw what she’d said about me. she decided to message someone (who i may know) about her good news but then added how she had helped me with my school work, that she is so much more intelligent and I am and that everything that I have achieved has been because I have had a lot of support and that it is not me thats achieved it.

I’m extremely upset about it. They are complete lies. She has not helped me do the work. She never did it for me and I have never passed it that it’s mine. Yes, I’ve had support they have never done my academic work for me. She knows how difficult it is amd has been and that Im Proud of my achievements of over coming obstacles so why say what she said? she has even denied writing it. Like it’s a figment of my imagination but it’s clear On discord of what she’s said. She then told me I shouldn’t have read it but how can I not when she has the window open for it to be seen.

She’s a horrible horrible person and I am finding it difficult to try to calm down since she’s hurt me yet again. If it’s not being horrible about me to potential friends then she’s being horrible about me to a cousin (Hence the history ). I can’t forgive her this time. And now I’m having some breakdown in my room. Why would she do this?

 

[Judge]

Sibling rivalry can manifest itself in all sorts of ways. Including being very ugly at times.

Took me decades to rationalize how my own brother (aged 72) remains so competitive with me to this very day. I made better choices in life than he did...and at times I believe he still resents them. Though I suspect he'd never want to trade places with anyone who is neurodiverse.

Though make no mistake here. I'm not trying to play down what may be in play. Keeping in mind that "familiarity breeds contempt". So much so that in some cases that's how civil wars happen.

 

[Shaddock]

maybe she is a horrible person, maybe she is not, we don´t know. you don´t have to forgive her, when you don´t want/can´t. I would look if such things happen or happened a few more times and then maybe distancing yourself from her (a bit). but before maybe talking with her and saying that you find her behavior hurting and looking what she says.

distancing from family members is always an option, you don´t have to do with them, when you not feel comfortable. when someone always make you sad, then better stay away from this person. when you´re more happy without a person, then with a person, then it´s a 100% proof that you´re better without this person. you´re not obligated to have contact, if you don´t want.

maybe she depreciates you, to rise herself, which is an awful behavior.

If it’s not being horrible about me to potential friends then she’s being horrible about me to a cousin (Hence the history ).

you don´t have to forgive her. you can theoritically break up with her or decrease the amount of contact and see if it makes you feel better or not.

 

[Tom]

Such people are their own best consequence. They are stuck with themselves. Ultimately you are not. I'd suggest to try not to play into her games and keep your distance

 

[Rodafina]

I would feel so horrible seeing somebody write something about me to another, even if it was true this would be upsetting. For her to be spreading lies is awful. I’m sorry that someone so close to you is acting in this way and making you feel so badly.

 

[Aspychata]

She does this quite often and each time I have forgiven her but it’s still hurtful and this time around after something good happening for her, and I was happy for her and said so, and then when I was telling her that I was too tired for something but was complementary to her artwork that she wa currently doing on the screen, she had her chat window open and I saw what she’d said about me. she decided to message someone (who i may know) about her good news but then added how she had helped me with my school work, that she is so much more intelligent and I am and that everything that I have achieved has been because I have had a lot of support and that it is not me thats achieved it.

I’m extremely upset about it. They are complete lies. She has not helped me do the work. She never did it for me and I have never passed it that it’s mine. Yes, I’ve had support they have never done my academic work for me. She knows how difficult it is amd has been and that Im Proud of my achievements of over coming obstacles so why say what she said? she has even denied writing it. Like it’s a figment of my imagination but it’s clear On discord of what she’s said. She then told me I shouldn’t have read it but how can I not when she has the window open for it to be seen.

She’s a horrible horrible person and I am finding it difficult to try to calm down since she’s hurt me yet again. If it’s not being horrible about me to potential friends then she’s being horrible about me to a cousin (Hence the history ). I can’t forgive her this time. And now I’m having some breakdown in my room. Why would she do this?

She is a gaslighter. Or manipulative. These people are out there. Once you catch them in a lie, you can't really trust them. She feels better about herself by putting you down because she must be very insecure. What hurts is it's your family member. But this actually happens more than you think. Keep your friends separate from her so she doesn't work those lies on them. So sorry you had to find out about her lack of morals.

 

[Luca]

I agree with a lot of this advice, especially from Aspychata and Rodafina.

My mom just did this the other day, she made it sound like I’m helpless and everything I accomplish is because of her. She probably genuinely believes that but it is completely untrue and utter bullcrap. It also undermines the fact that I really have become very successful and have overcome a ton of obstacles and I work my ass off. For her to say these things regardless of the motive is just a slap in the face.
She is also completely blind to the fact that she gaslights me a lot and I honestly don’t think she realizes it…
I don’t talk about my parents a lot on here but our relationship has always been complicated, especially because they’re my adoptive parents.

I think you should have as little to do with your sister as possible. She has created a toxic environment for you and is lying to people about you to make herself look better and make you look worse, for her benefit. I have dealt with so many of these people and the only thing that works is to cut them off to whatever extent you can.

I don’t think my parents are intentionally toxic at all but my mental health did not improve until I moved away from them. My relationship with them is so much better now that I don’t live there. I’m not suggesting that you have to physically move away from your sister but just find ways to interact less and focus on yourself.
You should also focus on doing things that make you feel good about yourself and will help you move on from this toxicity.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Reading this made me so angry but I fully sympathize with you because it has happened to me and still happens to an extent.

 

[Suzanne]

Sounds like she is jealous of you! When lying like that, the person wants to feel superior to the one whom they are jealous about.

At least, if it were a "friend" you could easily just throw them away, so to speak, but when it comes from one's own family, that is hard going and she sounds obnoxious, to be honest.

A sister of mine, who is just over two year's younger than me, used to mock me in front of her friends, because she had friends and I did not and would joke about me looking way younger than her.

The worst part, was her saying: Suzanne. You are not a child anymore. You should stop wearing socks and start wearing tights and so, I did! One might say she was being kind. But, she was showing herself to be more superior to me and it worked, because the parents put her on a pedastal.

She is a very talented person and would come home with certificates for gymnastics and they would framed and put on walls. I would come home with certificates for the kindest one in school and very helpful to others and they would end up being trampled on the floor. Not once were my certificants put on the wall with pride.

I have no idea what was in my brain, because I did look younger than her, but for some inane reason, she succeeded in getting me to buy her cigerettes. Did have to show my id though. Also, once she was accused of some things she was innocent about by male birth parent. This was because she was FAR more mature than I was, despite me being the eldest and thus, she started to earn money early in her life and was accused of selling her body. I defended her and that took courage, because he was a scary person and I felt it was better to not breath around him as his raised voice scared the heck out of me, but I have never been able to cope with injustice and thus, found a voice and defended her and he turned to her and accused her of turning his eldest daughter against him! Other things took place.

She would boast to her friends about me defending her and even told me, that when I needed it, she would defend me, but when I did not it, she turned her back on me and even lied, so I had to endure something, because of her lies.

Out of my 4 siblings, I am sort of in loose contact with my third sister. My last sister was adopted at 7 and when I did find her ( as an adult), she told social services that she did not want to know me. Well, my second sister, on hearing this, demanded the information so that she could try and I just said: if you want to talk to her, you do the work. Why should I have to endure that again, when no doubt, my youngest sister would want to have a relationship with her sister, since that second sister, is like that. She is able to make friends with the click of her fingers! She is also highly successful adult now. I do not have anything to do with her.

 

[Owliet]

This isn’t the first time she’s done this. One time she wrote to a friend who I met at con and shared contact details with and said things about me that were lies but this person took and treated me differently than before. I knew this because the person told me why, when I asked why there was a change. my sibling maliciously did that despite knowing that I was finding university hard and had at the time struggling to make friends. Another time, I had just graduated my undergraduate degree. She and my cousin were in contact. My sibling was laughing about my achievement, my cousin found it hilarious and asked what type of career I’d have, Which then sibling response was “lol yeah I know :upside down smile face “ which means sarcasm. Despite before saying how proud she was of me for graduating and how much I’ve overcome.She’s also had a conversation with someone who was urging her to do harm to me, like kill me and all her problems are solved, they even offered to do it Although I can’t remember the context as she’s done this a lot. She’s also happy to use my ASD against me and make me look bad.

The thing is, that when shes done this I will always mention it to parents who will challenge her, then she says she’ll never do it again but shes obviously lying. And has done it again. I might as well giver her a knife and she can stab me in the back since she’s doing this continuously to make herself look good.

this makes me wonder how much she lies to me, and says one thing but then does this. My parents are upset and angry with her but dad told me to let it go. It’s her problem and I shouldn’t let it impact me. But I’m finding it difficult to do that. I’m processing it, trying to work out why. Anger and sadness because of this again. Each time I’ve forgiven her, because I’ve had to. but Ive just come back from work and she’s around but not once has she apologized. And I don’t think she can even form any sense of conscious. This time I see her for what she is, and I want nothing to do with her. She’s dead to me. How can I trust her again? When she continuously does this type of thing.

 

[Forest Cat]

I have a sister too and siblings can be very difficult. But I wonder, how would she react if you said something like; "we're sisters, why are you doing this to me? You make me so sad and you're so mean sometimes, you just keep on doing these means things. I don't understand why. Have I done something to you that makes me deserve this? Please tell me why. Why can't you support me a little? We should support and help each other, we're family". Make her feel guilty and stupid, if that works.

 

[Owliet]

Make her feel guilty and stupid, if that works

If she was more reasonable Then it’s possible but she has not apologized, alth I’m not going to push for one since what will that do? if it was me, I’d be apologizing completely but I’d never do this. She’s also been ignoring me, but so habe I and I am not active in seeking her out. It’s over. its too much for this.

 

[Aspychata]

If she was more reasonable Then it’s possible but she has not apologized, alth I’m not going to push for one since what will that do? if it was me, I’d be apologizing completely but I’d never do this. She’s also been ignoring me, but so habe I and I am not active in seeking her out. It’s over. its too much for this.

That's a good idea. She has proved to be very callous and harmful to your general wellbeing. She sounds like a compulsive liar too. Where she tells lies with zero remorse. It's really better to go gray rock with her. Just comment little, don't get pulled into her mini dramas, and interact bare minimum giving her little to do with you. She really is best avoided since she brings zero value to your life.

 

[Forest Cat]

If she was more reasonable Then it’s possible but she has not apologized, alth I’m not going to push for one since what will that do? if it was me, I’d be apologizing completely but I’d never do this. She’s also been ignoring me, but so habe I and I am not active in seeking her out. It’s over. its too much for this.

Yeah I was thinking maybe you wanted to try to mend the relationship. But if she has gone too far, she has gone too far. Sorry to hear you have to deal with that.

 

[Owliet]

That's a good idea. She has proved to be very callous and harmful to your general wellbeing. She sounds like a compulsive liar too. Where she tells lies with zero remorse. It's really better to go gray rock with her. Just comment little, don't get pulled into her mini dramas, and interact bare minimum giving her little to do with you. She really is best avoided since she brings zero value to your life.

yes, it seems like I have to do this. I don’t really want to but I’m very upset about this. My parents are upset that she’d do this, again. I don’t want it to be this way at all, but i can’t trust her anymore and if she really resents me then I don’t want to give her any more chance to more.

Yeah I was thinking maybe you wanted to try to mend the relationship. But if she has gone too far, she has gone too far. Sorry to hear you have to deal with that.

Its really upsetting. I had to struggle to not go and do something to myself so I ended up having a complete breakdown cry. Then going into work today to act like all was good, was so difficult. Even though my dad talked to me before I went, what she’s done has really made it difficult for me to see any positive in myself or what I do.

 

[Forest Cat]

Its really upsetting. I had to struggle to not go and do something to myself so I ended up having a complete breakdown cry. Then going into work today to act like all was good, was so difficult. Even though my dad talked to me before I went, what she’s done has really made it difficult for me to see any positive in myself or what I do.

I know it doesn't matter much, but I see something positive in you. Don't let your sisters bad behaviour pull you down, her behaviour and things she does says a lot about her, it doesn't say much about you. You shouldn't let it pull your self-worth down. She's just mean and difficult. You're not so you're ahead of her.

 

[Owliet]

My mom had a talk with her at some point today whilst I was out at work (my dad went with me because I needed to be back home quick to go for an appointment) and turned out that because she had been rejected from something, she blames my dad and decided to “vent” by writing about me By what she did. She doesn’t think there is anything to apologize for, and despite my mom originally telling me to avoid her, I am now getting the blame for all of this because I should apparently forgive my sibling for what she has done. So yet Again, she is being enabled for her behavior and anything that I feel about this is worth nothing.

Whenever I have done something wrong, I will try to apologize, although sometimes I don’t think I have done anything wrong, I still apologize just in case. Obviously, this is learned behavior and explains why i constantly feel like I have to apologize for something. I’m still very upset about all of this, and of course since I’ve kicked something this week, just to add my rabbit died so I’m very sad And processing still about this. I am getting too many mixed messages, it’s all very confusing and very upsetting And I’m finding myself looping again.

 

[Judge]

It's all indicative of the relationship with my cousin. Sadly the one real social contact I have in real life.

Been at odds with myself for years now, in whether or not to permanently ghost her. In the meantime, I manage to continue to cut her some slack that I usually regret. A vicious cycle.

The next person I most socialize with (not in person) is my brother who I spoke of in an earlier thread.

That's really the range of my social contacts in real life. Pretty sad, huh ? Yet I know a number of us are in a similar predicament. And it's not all our fault.

 

[Markness]

I am sorry to hear that your rabbit died.

 

[Owliet]

It's all indicative of the relationship with my cousin. Sadly the one real social contact I have in real life.

Been at odds with myself for years now, in whether or not to permanently ghost her. In the meantime, I manage to continue to cut her some slack that I usually regret. A vicious cycle.

The next person I most socialize with (not in person) is my brother who I spoke of in an earlier thread.

That's really the range of my social contacts in real life. Pretty sad, huh ? Yet I know a number of us are in a similar predicament. And it's not all our fault.

I am expected to cut the slack for my sibling now. To “keep the peace” which confuses me because whilst I’ve barely spoken to her, and her with me, I’m not actively trying to seek her out to cause stress either. I have been keeping to myself. I do not know what they want from me anymore, but if I apologize for something that is not my doing, then she will repeat this and then this instance will continue to happen. I cant win. And that makes me so sad. I have been looping and over analysing it since it began and its just too Much.

My social contacts in life right now, are my family. I have no one else.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Owliet

You have a choice to make now. My suggestion is well-chosen "anti-narcissist" defensive countermeasures.

Two essential principles if you do this:
* Don't talk to anyone, including (especially) your parents, about what you're doing
* Don't treat it as a dominance game. There will never ever be a time where it makes sense to let your sister know what you're doing. Showing her you've "scored some points" is an instant and potentially permanent loss.