My Stories

[Bernardtisman]

THE EAST END TOUR





We start our journey at Big Head,a narrow street off Scabby Lane, Whitechapel. We then proceed along Billy Passage and into Hanbury Street.
Soon, we come to a pub called the Filthy Breakfast and continue along Hanbury Street.
Next, we turn into Kevin's Bedroom, a street, only one inch wide. For this we have to shrink our bodies to squeeze into this very narrow street that is no more than an inch wide.
At the end of this narrow, narrow, narrow street we return our bodies to their previous width and continue along Smelly Street, a street where horse manure lines the roadside and is used as a building material, especially for Smelly Street's three storey houses.


If you have to enter any of these houses in Smelly Street, please remember to put on a gas mask because the houses have manure in between the bricks.
Not only that, horse manure is also used to reinforce the walls inside each house.


Smelly Street has been nicknamed 'Stink Bomb Avenue' because of the pong along this turning, and dubbed the smelliest street in Stepney.


We soon leave Smelly Street behind and proceed along Tucker's Duckyard, a street that take's us into Commercial Passage, a narrow passage off Commercial Street.
Here, stood the Baby Boy's Youth club, established in 1888, to take in new born babies who passed a degree in maths, even at birth.
It's now a dead man's club.


Soon we go along Commercial Street and into Fournier Street, home of the institute for headless people.


Half way along the street we come to Joe Soap's Cabin, a cafe where we stop for lunch.


This cafe is unusual in that it has toilets in the dining area, which mean's that people have to relieve themselves whilst everybody is eating.
Because of this it is advisable to don a gas mask to shut out the pong whilst you're eating your dinner.


There's even a table with a toilet on top of it - table commode, which is used when no one is dining, and closed off when people are using the table for eating.


Soon after lunch we leave the cafe and proceed along Bernard Tisboy Lane.
Soon we come to a heart gallery, where hearts are put on display.
It's called Whitechapel Heart Gallery.


Soon, we walk down Pickle Street and into Bag Of Heads Street.
This street has the smallest synagogue in Whitechapel, only four feet wide and has to accommodate twelve people.
The man in charge is Isaac Matzos, the man who conduct's the services every day.




Next on the journey is Mile End Waste, which mean's a load of waste that lines the roadside along Mile End road.
The huge mountain of rubbish has lined Mile End Road for years, that's why it's called Mile End Waste.


The rubbish lined road is a huge tourist attraction, as is the horse manure mine in nearby Stinkerton street.
Here, people dig up horse manure from the mines down below.


A horse manure miner can earn up to ?5000 a week.


Soon we leave the rubbish strewn section, known as Mile End Waste and pass the site where Whackhams, the department store, used to be, and is now a human body shop, a store that sell's spare body parts for people, such as hearts, lungs, kidneys, human heads, e.t.c.


People often come to the human body shop to buy themselves a new heart when their old one has packed up, or a new head if their own head has been knocked off by yobbos.


Meanwhile, the East End tour continues as we turn into Hayfield passage pass the old unruly school for boys and an old girls club which took in new born girls, and pass the old workhouse hospital, then we turn into Cold Street and along Stepney Way, pass Smiley Park.


Our tour end at Stepney Waste underground station, on the District Line and head off home, passing Limescale Central, Bandy Green, Mile End Heath, Bow Road West, Stratford Dogs, Wanstead, Staresbrook and onto Gants Hill, where we get lifted up to street level by crane, which take's us into the street and head back to the centre.

 

[kasmanaft08]

If you or anyone has any more fictional short stories to add, I see no problem with it, but I will ask for the sake of organization/aesthetics if we can keep them all on the same thread instead of making a post for each story. If you would like me to merge any posts let me or another mod/admin know.

Welcome, btw!

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE WORKSTATION


Once upon a time there stood a workshop by the side of a railway station platform. As soon as you got off the train, in front of you was a door that led straight from the platform. You went through this door and entered a factory, ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. If they did then he would send a big dog to fetch them and drag them back into the workshop. It?s no joke, he could bite.
Because going to the toilet was forbidden during work hours people had to hold it up until they couldn?t hold it up anymore, causing them to mess themselves. In fact a number of people did go to toilet in their trousers. This created such a stink that a few people dropped like flies, but the cruel boss wouldn?t lift a finger to help, in fact he shouted at the fainted workers to get up and work, but how could they, they weren?t conscious enough to do so. One of the managers saw everything the cruel boss was doing, so he had to intervene. He sneaked off to a shop and bought antibiotic air fresheners. Before you could know it the kindly manager walked in and sprayed the air with the penicillin air freshener to shut out the pong. The people who messed themselves had to wait until they got home, then they would chuck the stinking clothes into the washing machine.
Because of the risk of contamination from waste, buckets of disinfectant had to be poured into the washing machine, together with the soap powder and Calgon.
Now it?s back to the cruel factory in a station.

The boss, Mr. Fred Dung, was a tyrant. He made workers work harder than hard and not only did he outlaw going to the toilet during work hours he also made sure that there was no lunch break.
When lunch came you had to work whilst you were busy eating.
Food was brought to the workshop and loaded into huge cannons that protruded from the ceiling. A trigger was pulled and the grub shot straight into peoples? mouths, a feeding machine in a cannon.
After eating you had to drink. Each drink was loaded into tanks and from these tanks the drink would go along a pipe and come out through a tap on the ceiling. The tap was turned on and the drink came out. People had to open their mouths and hold their heads up. The drink would then drop in their mouths straight from a drink tap on the ceiling.

The various jobs in this factory included making fish kettles? egg bottles sardine bags, plus Rin Tin Tin openers.


Here are the rules of this factory



1. You have to be in by 9.89 every morning
2. Rub ice cream into your trousers to make them really strong
3. Shave your hair with a blow lamp
4. Make sure that you have tomatoes in your shoes
5. Don?t wear jackets they could harbour birds? nests
6. Use ear wax to polish your shoes
7. No laughing during work otherwise the boss would give you the cane
8. Don?t wear shorts, your bare legs could contaminate the workshop causing dangerous germs to breed that could kill the other workers, even cause the lights on the ceiling to burst, showering the other workers with dangerous poisonous glass.


One man, Tom Legs, broke the rules and ended up in prison for two hours.

In the end one of the managers found out what the mad boss was getting up to and called the police. The boss got taken to prison for running a cruel regime in the factory.

A new boss took over, Mr. C.X Pong. He was also a strict boss, but his rules were different. Like his predecessor he also made sure that no one visited the toilet during work hours, but, ?to prevent soiling each worker had a slop bucket installed in his pants. At the end of the day the slop toilet would be emptied into the main toilet.

A new manager Mr. Rot, was appointed, and took charge of the workers.

One day the minister for Rotten Smells, William Zed paid a visit to this workstation factory and saw stink bomb toilet cleaners being manufactured.

Next on the line was the underwater secretary, Zelda Fishpaste. She came to see what the workers were up to.


The crimes carried out by the former boss were exposed.
Here are some of some of the rules he laid out.


1. Every person is obliged to shave his beard off with a blow lamp
2. Don?t use the toilet or you?ll get sent to prison
3. Always make sure that there are beans in your ears ?they will help you hear well.
4. Always carry a box with your teeth.
5. No laughing in workshop, if you do a man will come round and throw a bucket of lava over you.

6. No rucksacks allowed they could set the place alight.



Under the former boss?s regime each worker had to undergo a harsh examination by a doctor. The doctor would get hold of a head opener and take the top of your head off to look at your brain, and if so take the brain out and put it into the washing machine. Once washed the brain would be returned to its owner. Once returned the top of the owner?s head would be put back on. Once done the worker would have to have his feet vacuum cleaned so that the pong wouldn?t spread throughout the whole factory and set off a deadly odour bringing dangerous germs throughout the place.
Another thing, because of the former boss?s refusal to let anyone use the toilet during work hours even people with stomas weren?t spared. They were forced to work even when their bags were overfilling. As a result their bags fell off causing a real mess by sliding down their trousers and hitting the floor and creating an awful smell, the sort of things that a boss like Fred Dung could get up to. Because of this one of the managers had to get a nurse to see to the workers with stomas whose bags fell off due to overfilling. The boss tried to chuck the nurse out but was stopped by an undercover policeman. The nurse put a screen round because the workers had to carry on working despite being attended to by the nurse otherwise they would land up in jail.

?You should report that brutal factory boss to the police said the nurse to the manager, fancy letting this happen, allowing people with stomas to continue working even whilst their bags were getting too full until they fell off. He not only allowed workers to work whilst their bags were too full said the nurse he even forced them to work, until their bags were so full that they fell off. Even after the bags did fall off the mad boss still made them work with the result that stools were running all the way down their trousers and onto the floor creating a terrible stink, it shows what a cruel wicked boss he is. I heard that his name is Fred Dung, he deserves that name because he is a cruel wicked brute, hope someone lynches him. He should not make people with stomas work even whilst their bags became so full that they dropped off sliding right down their trousers and onto the floor spilling the contents onto the floor.?

The workers with stomas got cleaned up and continued to work.
This wasn?t the only cruel trick carried out by the brutal boss. One day he went too far and forced a man to carry a car into the workshop. As a result his body burst open, but the boss made him work, even with an open wound, and in the end died.
The other cruel things dished out by the boss were allowing vicious dogs to patrol the factory in order to prevent anyone from going to the toilet during work hours. The dogs employed by Fred Dung were Rottweilers.[/COLOR][/B]

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE FIRE ON SOUTHEND PIER







A few years ago a fire devastated Southend Pier.
The fire was so fierce that the pier got so badly burnt that it suffered 100 per cent burns.
An ambulance came and took Southend Pier to hospital where it underwent an operation.
Despite all the efforts of the surgical team to save Southend pier it went into cardiac arrest and died.

The pier was so badly burnt that nothing could save it. The burns caused by the fire were so grave that Southend Pier lost it's life and died on the operating table.

The tragic death of Southend Pier touched everything in the town, even the Kursaal.
The Kursaal was so distraught that it didn't want any visitors to walk through it's doors.

One landmark of the pier that felt it really bad was of cause the pier trains.

The mayor of Southend saw the Southend pier trains crying their eyes out.
they missed the pier so much that they wanted to end it all by jumping into the sea.

In fact the trains tried to drive themselves into the sea because they couldn't face life without the pier, but were stopped by two fishermen, who pulled the trains out of the sea with a harpoon.

Southend pier is buried at a cemetery in Malcolm Gardens.

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GOING ON HOLIDAY




This story is about the holidays in Hayling Island.

The route to Hayling island is along the A3, which passes the Devil's Punchbowl and the drinks that have to fill it, through Hindhead and Hindlegs.
Next, we branch out onto the TX3 road, which takes you through the villages of Zington and Dudworth.
Soon after we proceed along the road and come to Spoilton, a market town in Surrey.
We stop here for lunch in 'the Hairy Hounds' pub, in Manure Lane.
The pub has a rooftop car park with excellent views across the Surrey Moors.
As soon as we finish our lunch we all head off and get back onto the coach. We then leave Spoilton and continue our journey down the TX3 road, passing Appleton and Orangeworth, and past Dud's Farm, where there is a cows' road, a road in which cows are allowed to roam freely on, then passing a country pub where cows, sheep and goats are allowed.
The pub ' The Billy Goat' is owned by Trueboy's, and serve's custard beer and filthy lemon juice.

From the TX3 we branch off onto a dirt road made of horse manure, but, one thing, we all have to don gas masks to shut out the horrible stink coming from the manure dirt road in which the coach is travelling on, which can be hazardous in wet weather for the horse manure could suddenly shoot up from the road and hit the coach windows, splashing them all over.

Once we leave the stinky road we're all safe for we're now on the E45 road, the ideal road to be on when you have a rash all over your body.
The E45 takes you to Shavant, the town at the head of Hayling Island.
Once we cross the bridge we go along Smoker's Lane, past Dirty Face Farm and we take the road that brings us to Warner's Bighead Holiday Village.

There are load of chalets at this camp, such as The 'Pudding Face villas, a group of chalets where the door opens upwards.
There is a ceiling fixed television set in every one of these chalet suites, but in order to watch tv you have to lie on the floor as the set is on the ceiling, plus a diesel electric kettle and a shower by the side of your bed, plus a bed with a built in toilet, so if you're caught short you can then go to toilet without leaving your bed as the toilet is right inside your bed, tucked into the sheets. You then pull the chain which is right above your bed and the toilet in a bed gets flushed.
Once you have relieved yourself you then clean yourself up with a toilet brush.

Because each bed in the chalets has a built in toilet it has earned the nickname 'Stinky Bed'.

Some chalets are of the very lowest where you spend your holiday in the most primitive existence, just a soap box cart and nothing more, and a hole in the ground loo nearby where everybody can look as there's no privacy.

The entertainment in this holiday camp is provided by resident band 'Rotten Tomatoes'

'Rotten Tomatoes' are a pop group who are resident at this holiday camp and provide the cabaret every night.
Other bands who've appeared here are' The Tiny Little Underpants' and 'Grubby people.

There is a 'Dining Room'Tribute band called 'The Nasty Tasting Cereals, a band who play all the songs recorded by 'Dining Room, 'a five piece pop band.
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SOUTHEND COUNCIL NEWS


1. Southend City Borough Council has given the Go - ahead to build a new multi storey pier.
It will be 20 miles long, making it the longest pier in the whole world.

The pier will start from Southend and go all the way down the Thame's estuary, terminating at Margate, the first case of it's kind of a pier connecting two seaside resorts together.

The new multi - pier will replace the present pier, which will then be transferred to a retirement home in Clacton.

The new pier will have hotels, hospitals, holiday camps, shopping malls,
plus many more.

There will be a number of connecting piers which will branch off from the multi - storey pier and connect the mainland across the water.

2. A fleet of new buses is being introduced by Southend City Transport


The new buses are triple decker buses, designed to increase
capacity so that the buses don't get so overloaded during rush
hours.
This especially useful when there are loads of school kids coming
home from school.

The new buses are Leyland Dumplings and have twelve doors, two
drivers and guards posted on board in case people end up eating
each other.

the buses use oyster cards, which mean's an oyster that double's up
as a bus pass.
To start with, before you use the oyster card you have to eat the
oysters, that is shell fish.
Once this is done you then use the shells to take with you onto the
bus then press it onto the driver's face, then it's off you go, and
hope you have a nice ride.

Don't forget, once you leave the bus please take your feet with you
because if you leave your feet on the bus you won't be able to
walk, and have to be dragged home in a wheel chair.

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE MAN WHO BOUGHT BLACK LETTUCE







One day Bernard Doorway bought a piece of black lettuce in TESCO. It had been grown on a farm in Winterset and was due to expire in five minutes time, which meant he had to eat it ever so quick, which caused him to burp, so loud, that it could be heard as far away as America.
So loud was the noise that it caused TESCO to collapse and trees outside to crash down. The police were called and took the man who burped to a prison for ten days. He was banned from shopping in every shop after making an illegal din and had to have his food delivered through the letterbox of his home, for if he went shopping he would go to prison, this time for 20 years.
It?s no laughing matter it?s a terrible crime, belching as loud as a bomb.
The convicted belcher attended a centre called Ducksfield Day Centre in Johnsfield Road, Gants Hill.
Because of that monstrous crime no one in his centre would go near him. In fact one man threw a chair at him for what he did to TESCO- causing it to collapse. The hater Chris Arms had it in for him. He shouted:
TESCO killer, why don?t you rot?, you?re a murderous bomb, you should be hung, drawn and quartered.
He had a shopping list with him, but only the carer could go to the shop to get the man?s groceries because it was illegal for him to shop, for to do so would lead to him being sent to jail.

Here is the belcher?s shopping list



1. Black lettuce

2. Avotomatos

3. Shredded Fruit and Fibre

4. Scabbage

5. Banosias

6. Bully Rice

7. Screwberries

8. Terrible Sauce

9. Rotten Eggs

10. Stink Bomb Potatoes

11. Apple Manure

12. Bashed Stew and Dumpling

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THE PIER THAT BURNT DOWN


One day a pier burnt down due to some giant hooligan up in the sky chucking a burning sausage down from above. He was eventually caught by a policeman who lived in the universe, but not before a mad pudding attacked a couple of people walking on the pier whilst it was burning. The pudding which lived in the sea was a man eater. Not only that he once stabbed the sea and murdered a boat coming along. The fire was eventually put out by a man who blew on the pier. The pier was so badly damaged that it got taken to hospital and put in the burns unit.
A big long cucumber was erected in place of the pier. People walked along the cucumber, ?but a warning:
?Don?t let hungry people onto this cucumber pier for they could eat it, causing walkers to fall into the sea and be consumed by underwater trees.

The pier that burnt down was Southend pier.
Its had a number of fires during its long history and has had to be hospitalised several times to treat burns caused by the fires.

Southend pier has five children, two sons and three daughters,'all piers.

There is a pier called Southend Junior.
It's a pier that's only ten foot long.

The shortest pier in Southend is only two foot long.
It's in Shoeburyness, which is near Bootburyness.

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THE LONDON EYE


This landmark offers birds eye views of London. You go up in a pod and look over the capital with stunning views. It belongs to a London man who has a London head. Views include the Gherkin, St. Paul?s cathedral, plus more.
One day the London Eye broke free and jumped into the River Thames. It sailed down the river and was attacked by a sea monster. The London Eye jumped up into the air and flew away, leaving tourists stranded inside. So police with police dogs walked down the River Thames to find the escaped landmark. They found it- on top of a tree.
?My goodness! , What is the London Eye doing up a tree?
The London Eye replied,? I had to escape a sea monster that lives in the River Thames.
Look here London Eye! Said a policeman I?ve had enough of your nonsense, there?s no sea monster. If you tell any more lies, London Eye, I?ll send you to prison for wasting police time.?
All of a sudden the big sea dragon came up from underneath and grabbed one of the policemen. A police dog fought it off, but it was no match, then ate it. The police got out their dynamite guns and blasted the monster to smithereens. The remains were then fed to sharks that lived in the Thames.
All of a sudden a gang of whacking great big sea monsters came out from underneath and climbed up onto the land. They rampaged through London and ate lots of people. They then attacked the London Eye and killed it with one bite. But help was on the way for the sun sent out its private army to hunt down the monsters. One by one the sea monsters were blasted to death.
The reign of terror was over.
Now London was a safe place, but only for a day for more hidden dangers lurked. As it happened Nelson?s Column came to life and started charging down the Strand kicking buses over and booting people all over the place. All hell broke loose.

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THE DAY GLOBAL WARMING WREAKED
HAVOC ON GANTS HILL


One day whilst people were waiting fro a train an underground tidal wave ripped through the surface and with its full force caused the station to wrench from its moorings. The station was ripped out of the ground and tossed right up into the air, people waiting for a train on the platform but just the air and the road down below, no trains and railway track, it had, together with the trains been knocked flying right up into the air. The tube trains were also knocked flying and landed right on top of a building in Cranbrook Road with the people trapped inside it.
Where Gants Hill once stood was a huge crater.
The Eastern Avenue also was huge crater after the trains ripped through and got tossed up into the air.
Emergency supplies had to be delivered by helicopter because all roads were now vast craters. One helicopter did however rescue people from tube trains stranded on top of a building in Cranbrook Road which had disappeared into a huge hole. That wasn?t the only thing, huge snake- like monsters with many heads came up through the vast craters and started to eat loads of people. Next a heavy shower of lava rained down on Gants Hill killing everything in its path, even the multi- headed snake monsters.
Eventually all the seas dried up and the Earth was now one vast scorched desert. Not only that, a huge snowstorm suddenly appeared and before long the snow had covered a depth of 500 miles. But, ?in the wake of all this a new breed of human appeared who could withstand temperatures as high as 1000 f.

 

[Bernardtisman]

MIDNIGHT GARDEN LODGE




One day a man decided to move into a support home called Midnight Garden Lodge
because at midnight when the clock struck the resident would suddenly find himself
waking up in his old house, the house he left behind when he moved into the sheltered home.
The new man went to bed as usual at 11.00, but when the clock struck 12.00, midnight
a transformation took place.
The man suddenly found himself back in his old house, ' the surroundings so quiet, with
just the gardens of each house in front, in comparison to the main road with lots of
traffic in which he was living in now.
When morning came in this midnight world he woke up to hear his parents who had
been dead for many years.
Tom Midnight, as was his name, was the latest man to move into Midnight Garden Lodge, where every night he went to bed as usual in his new home, a support home, but when
the clock struck 12.00, Midnight he was immediately transformed back to a time when
he was living in Southwood Gardens, waking up in the house he left behind.
Tom Midnight was having his breakfast with his parents in this long ago world.
Then:
'suddenly he woke up and found himself back in his new home.
The time was now 12.05 am, only five minutes since he travelled back in time, but in
that long ago world he was away for many many hours.
Every night Tom Midnight travelled back in time to his childhood, teens, when he was a
young adult and, 'just before he moved house.
One night Tom went into the toilet of his flat but, suddenly he found himself inside the
toilet of his old house, and when he went back to bed the bedroom was in his old
house. He climbed into bed and a change took place for he saw from his bed that the
bedroom suddenly became the bedroom he's now sleeping in - the room in his new flat.

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THE BOY WHO WENT TO SCHOOL BY BUS






Tommy Gun who lived in Seaview Road travelled every day by bus to school.
He got the bus at 8.07 a.m .

At school he went straight into class and sat down with a teddy bear.

Mr Strange, the teacher, said:
"Listen boys, you will now do sums, 250 of them."
The boys did.
One boy, Robert fur did his sums on another boy's head.

"Come here, Robert Fur, how dare you write on top of Peter Stowe's head.
For that you'll get the birch."

Robert fur got the birch right across his mouth.

The teacher sent the boy out of class for writing on top of another boy's head.

The boy went out of his class and got out his penknife.
He slashed the wall.
Mr Tongue, the headmaster came along and said:
"Hey you, stop that at once."

The unruly boy got grabbed by the headmaster and taken to his office.

"Now, bend over!.

The boy got flogged 20 times.

"That will teach you not to vandalise this school my boy said the headmaster".

At 10.45am it was school break and the boys went out into the playground.
One of the boys got scragged and his legs spat upon.
the bullies then used him as a goalpost whilst they were playing football.
Everytime the ball hit him his legs screamed.

After break the boys went back to their classrooms.

A few boys did P.E in class.
Some boys put drawing pins on the chalkboard.

there was a teacher with a great big tongue sticking out of his mouth.
His name was Mr. Beer.

Mr Beer,a teacher who roared like a lion, was very, very, very, very strict.
On one occasion he turned one boy upside down and tied his legs.
Then he let a dog loose to bite the boy's trousers.
Another boy, Brian Neck was caught with a snake inside his desk.
He got eaten by his own teacher.

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THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE




Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, "all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, "Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor.

In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room.
Meanwhile, outside,
People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man's flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room.


"You, you've gone too far this time.
I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police.
I'm afraid I can't take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room.
You're just a dangerous person who should be locked away."


The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years.
His crime:
Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake.
By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE MONTHLY YOGA SESSION AT WANSTEAD SWAMP FARM LIBRARY, ADJOINING WOODBINE CIGARETTE CENTRE



This monthly yoga session held over at Wanstead Swamp Farm Library next door to the Woodbine Centre, which means a day centre loaded with cigarettes, consists of exercises in which you have to throw your yourself up to the ceiling and spin your head, so fast that it eventually stop's working, bu after a few minutes it restarts.

You lie on a mat covered with ice packs to the body to stop you from overheating during a yoga match, because during the yoga session your own body can become as hot as a fried egg.

Exercises include the egg tree and the blue flush moon.

Yoga is accompanied by music from a brass violin and a string trumpet, performed by The London Fruitband Orchestra.

There are yoga matches between two teams.

Part of the curriculum includes swimming pool yoga where you lie on balloon mats and swim with swimming pool dolphins.

Additional music for yoga matches are supplied by the Gants Hill Station railway tunnel baby choir and The Mustard Boys.

The Mustard Boys are a yoga based pop group whose blend of music is well suited to yoga matches.

The Mustard Boys are so -called, because as part of their stage act they cover their bodies in mustard.
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THE MAN EATING POTATO





Once upon a time a giant potato went on the rampage eating up any person who got in it's way.



The potato brought terror to London.



This mad vegetable once burst into a school playground gobbling up 20 children.

Terrified out of their lives the remaining children rushed into the school to raise the alarm.

They knocked on the headteacher's office and told him about the man - eating potato.

The head rushed downstairs,

And,

"What a shock he got.

there was the giant potato barging it's way into the assembly hall.

So Mr News, the headteacher got out his rifle and shot the potato dead.

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THE HORROR BENEATH THE FRIDGE


One day when a man was about to open the fridge there was a terrible pong. The carer came up, pulled the fridge out and was shocked to find a dead body underneath the fridge.
It had lain there for five weeks and was decomposed. Its no wonder the fridge stunk.
The dustmen came and removed the dead man that had lain beneath a fridge for five weeks.

Due to the risk of catching a deadly disease all the food in the fridge had to be chucked out and put into yellow bags to avoid contamination from deadly germs that could seep out of the bag in the ordinary wheelie bin.
Also, the fridge had to be destroyed and replaced by another fridge.
Not only that, all the food that became contaminated because of the rotting corpse underneath a fridge had to be replaced - the same day, and this amounted to a massive shopping bill. To compensate for this the man's cousin went to a money shop and bought a load of money, he then gave it to his cousin.

The dead body underneath a fridge meant that the flat had to be fumigated.
The man was offered temporary accommodation, in his cousin's house whilst the flat was being disinfected to kill the deadly germs left over from a dead body that lay beneath a fridge.

After two days the flat was fit enough to be habitable again.

The cause of the dead body beneath a fridge was the result of a man who tried to get to the top floor through the ceiling of one of the flats and landed in a flat above - right underneath a fridge and got stuck there.
He suffocated and was dead five minutes later.
It only came to light when the support worker who was doing her rounds the next day phoned the man's relatives as the man, a visitor was his cousin, but saw no sign of him so she got out the master key,opened the door and found that he had gone, but what she did find was a hole in the ceiling, but what she did not know about was that there was a dead body 20 feet above, and, 'unbeknown to her the man went through the ceiling to get to the top floor but, because of the risk of collapse she called the workmen who then closed up the gap.
the carer did however phone the police to search for the missing man, a cousin of the resident but could find no trace of him. That wasn't until a man opened his fridge and was overwhelmed by a terrible stink that came from the fridge. This brought the carer up who then uncovered the dead body.

The news of a dead body beneath a fridge sent shockwaves through the entire block of flats.
The residents were really shocked to find out that the dead man was a cousin of one of the residents.
The next of kin were informed by the man's death beneath a fridge and a funeral was held in which relatives and some of the residents came to give him a send off.
The carers told them about the man trying to get to the top floor through the ceiling of his flat.

 

[Bernardtisman]

FORBIDDEN LODGE





Once upon a time there stood a support home where loads of rooms were out of bounds, even the front street door.
This means that the front door where you came in was from no on to be made available to staff only.
This meant that residents had to get into their flats by climbing in through the windows of their homes from the outside.
If on the ground floor you could use a window door key to open either your bedroom window or your living room window, but if you lived upstairs you had to scale the brick wall and climb onto a narrow ledge, but had to be careful whilst opening your window whilst standing on a narrow ledge or you could fall off the ledge and down to the ground.

Many residents didn't like the staff because they had a proper street door to get into the support home where they worked, whilst the tenants had to climb in through the windows of their flats from the outside compound and car park order to get into their own homes.

This wasn't the only malady for residents weren't allowed to get into the main part of the support home, which included the corridors, the dining room, kitchen and garden, plus other areas of the support home as they were for staff only.

Residents couldn't even enter their own homes through the front door on their flats which opened out into the corridor, as staff only were allowed to use the front door in order to enter the resident's home.

The front door of the tenants flat was out of bounds to the tenant himself or herself as only staff could use it to enter and leave the flat.

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THE HOLIDAY CAMP





A family called the Doggs booked up for Sunshine Holiday Village at Picklesham Bay in Sussex. It was run by Pontins.
Each chalet had triple bunk beds and double deck baths in each bathroom, one bath on top of one another. For the top deck bath you had to climb up a ladder, but there was one disadvantage for if the bottom of the bath burst open all the water would splash down onto the bath below whilst the man was having a bath.

Whilst one of the Dogg family, a boy, was in the toilet he looked inside the bowl and was surprised to find a swimming pool right at the bottom of the toilet bowl. he then climbed in, slid down the S bend and landed in the swimming pool beneath a toilet.
Virtually every chalet had a swimming pool at the bottom of the toilet. Not only that, you could also get into the ballroom through the floor.
On the floor was a trapdoor. you entered through this trapdoor and underneath was a long passage that led into the ballroom, where blue and white coats were entertaining.

One of the highlights of this holiday camp was the knobbly knee biscuit contest. You simply put a biscuit on your knee and if you won you would have a free trip to a grand toilet.
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THE ADMISSION TO TURNER VILLAGE







On March 2nd 1968 Bernard Cheeseman was admitted to Turner Village disability hospital because his mother had to have an operation.
The social worker, Mr. Sums, came to his house and picked him up in his car then sped off, out of the street, into the main road and onto the A12.

At Colchester the car left the A12 and went through the back doubles, then,? onto Turner Village hospital, then got out of the car, to Mr. Strain?s office to be signed in and along to Villa H8, the hospital block, so called because of its hospital ? like appearance.
As soon as the new arrival walked through the door the staff started to prepare him for his hospital stay.
The new patient was given a bath by male nurses, dried, examined and put to bed for he had to be observed as all new patients are.
The idea of being put to bed was so doctors could monitor him, then when all was well he could go down to the day room.

The new patient dreaded the hospital ? like appearance of the ward.
This block was full of developmentally disabled patients, some very profound, with IQs ranging from 0 to 79, and autistic patients, even though their IQs were normal, but they did in some cases have the traits of a learning disabled person.
One patient, Albert Gardener, had toilet habits that weren?t all that clean. For instance he never used toilet paper whenever he went to toilet because his mind was that of a toddler. Because of this his clothes were often soiled, because he didn?t have the ability to keep himself clean because of his very low IQ.
Some inmates were so severely disabled in learning that they always soiled themselves. Because of the terrible pong nurses had to spray the air with Antiseptic air freshener all the time.
These patients were always incontinent.
One of the inmates, a big stout chap, was given the task of collecting the soiled sheets every day, where they would be taken along to the laundry to be washed.
People going to the toilet often had to pass piles of soiled bed sheets which must have been quite overpowering at times.

One sight you were often met with, were the very low height toilets. This was so nurses could enter the loo if anyone had a fit.

Come lunchtime the new patient was given his meal but didn?t have much of an appetite.
The next day the nurse came along with an injection but the patient shied away because he was so scared but the nurse grabbed him and stuck the needle in.
The patient screamed.

Two days later the patient was ready to go down to the day room.
The male nurse on duty was Mr. Pressard, who was a real bully who often hit patients across the floor. he also clouted patients, one such case being a man who refused to have a bath.

There was a man, one of the inmates, who often urinated on the floor because he didn?t know better, but the nurse gave him a good hiding, the sort of thing that would have happened in 1968.

The new patient, Bernard Cheeseman, went up to the ward but was caught by Mr. Pressard who said, ?he better not be scatty with me.

Bedtime was very early, about 7.00 pm.

On day three the new patient went into a leisure room run by Mrs Housey, a nurse who ran the class.
The leisure room was at the end of the day room.

At the end of the corridor was the dentist?s surgery, feared my most inmates at this institution.

After two weeks when it was thought that the man was ready to go home it was announced that the man?s mother would have to be in hospital longer than expected so he had to stay longer at Turner village ? up to ten weeks.

After three weeks the man was transferred to another block, Villa C3, which was far less oppressive than the hospital villa because it was less hospital ? like than the former, but there was one drawback.
Quite a lot of the inmates in this block were bullies; one boy particularly, Jimmy Learmont, who happened to be on the same table as Bernard Cheeseman.
Another yob was John Streeter. He often punched Bernard Cheeseman for very little reason, for John Streeter was a dope basher.
Brian Baker was the other dope basher.

Bernard Cheeseman was often given a hard time by these bullies.

At this block was another inmate, Michael Boots. He often told other people to f--- off for no absolute reason.
Fred Offord was another nasty type, also a dope basher.

There were toilets in this block, consisting of cubicles without any doors. this was to catch any person in time if he had a fit.

At Turner Village there was a very disturbed patient called Stuart Pitman, who often banged doors. For this he often got punished by the nurse, who told him:
''If you ever do this again I have no other choice than to give you an injection''.

One day Bernard Cheeseman had a mental spasm.
He started to pull at the door and the nurse warned him that he would have to have the needle if he don't stop doing it.
It all started when he went berserk and punched an armchair, shouting:
''Take that Chair", and on of the inmates came along and forced him to sit down, then shouted:
'' want me to force Bromide down your throat, I will if you don't stop going off your rocker".

One morning the radio was on but at Breakfast time the nurse switched it off, much Bernard Cheeseman's annoyance.

Then there was the record session run by one of the inmates, and when Bernard Cheeseman complained about the noise the other man threw him out of the room.

After ten weeks the man was ready to return home.

 

[Bernardtisman]

WESTON - SUPER - MARE PIER

This pier had a fire, caused by a fireball shower coming from a fiery planet called Inferna. This dangerous planet is only two miles from Earth, and was involved in the death of two spacemen whose spaceship ran too close to this planet.


There are currently plans to send men into space with dispersal guns which they could use to bombard this massive fireball with huge chunks of ice. This would freeze it until it became a dead rock. The destroyers would then break it up into huge pieces, but that could result in the universe dying away, so the only answer would be to evacuate Earth and send its people to a faraway planet 70 trillion light years from Earth.
In the end the plans were carried out. Weston - Super ? Mare was one of the first of the Earth?s inhabitants to go. The town was loaded onto a lorry which then shot up into outer space and in no time re ? sited Weston ? Super ? Mare in its new home on the planet Spara. Next to go were some of Earth?s inhabitants and more and more towns, cities and villages.
During the transferral it was a common sight to see landmarks being loaded onto space trucks which would then ship them away to their new home.


People visiting the Tower of London stopped to see Tower Bridge being lifted up by crane and loaded onto the space truck. But, how would the Thames be shifted to its new home?


First of all the River Thames would be emptied into a bucket then loaded onto the space truck. Once London?s famous river was safely in its new home the government would draw up plans to make rain fall down in torrents which would then re- fill the Thames in seconds.


Evacuation of the Earth which was in danger of being engulfed by the fiery planet took six months.


Only a day after Earth was emptied of its contents the fireball planet Inferna engulfed it completely.


Once in its new home on a new planet Weston ? Super ?Mare was now virtually safe from Inferna, but not the universe for the fireball could engulf that too. Fortunately a meteorite came to the rescue and froze Inferna completely, breaking it up into a lot of loose rocks dispersing them to far corners of the universe.

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CLIVE STOMA


Clive Stoma was a man who had to cover himself with a huge bag because his body had a load of holes discharging waste, from head to foot, even his head.In fact he had a load of holes in his head - connected to his bowels, and had to cover that with a stoma bag worn over his head.
The man was one vast stoma in his own right and often leaked whilst sleeping in bed - a leaking man.
Quite often Clive Stoma had to change himself in the bathroom for he had bowels all over his body from head to foot.
The human stoma was a very rare breed of human being - only two cases reported in the whole world.
there have been other oddities, like a man who shared his stoma with another human being.

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FIDDLESTICKS DAY CENTRE

Fiddlesticks day Centre is situated in Mintpie Road Ilford. It is a day centre that?s open 24 hours a day. The centre offers computer classes, with 200 computers in a room only five feet wide and a dining room where 500 people have to sit on a table only two feet wide. It?s no wonder people keep falling over each other because there?s no room. In fact, so gross is the overcrowding that it?s not surprising that whenever a person eats he could accidentally chuck food over the person sitting next to him, indeed he often does, and what happens is that person concerned could punch his head off, this means, that he punches it so hard that it falls off onto the floor leaving the day centre member with no head.

The overcrowding is due to the fact that the day centre population is increasing all the time at Fiddlesticks Day centre. Eventually as the manager Edward Bellybutton says, ? the number of people attending this centre could increase to 23′000, and that is in one room only, so the only option is to shrink each day centre member down to only one inch tall and bring him back to normal size when the time comes for him or her to leave the centre


[/B][/B]

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE COMPUTER VIRUS


One day a computer was invaded by a dangerous virus which caused it to burst into flames.
The man who planted the deadly computer virus that caused a massive blaze was sent to prison

The computer that caught fire from a virus died instantly and had to be buried in a computer graveyard to stop the spread of germs, because,
"as you know you could catch a disease from an infected computer.

When a computer has a virus is mean's that it's loaded with germs, that could give anybody who use's it a deadly disease, that could kill a person for two months.

Once the two months is up the dead person comes back to life again.
And the only way to stay alive is to connect your own body to the internet.

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THE LAUNDRY RAILWAY



In a block of flats somewhere in Ilford stood a railway in which residents loaded their dirty washing onto trains leading from a little station off the corridor. The trains then carried their load to the laundry room where people took the clothes off the laundry trains and loaded them into a washing machine. The station adjoined the laundry room which was entered through a door at the far end of the platform. A crane grabbed the washing and hoisted it up dropping it onto trolleys. The trolleys were taken to the end of the platform where the laundry room was entered through a door. The washing was then taken through the station door and into the laundry. Sometimes dogs were used to carry the washing all the way to the laundry. The dogs carried the washing in their mouths and away they went to the laundry room. For hygienic purposes the dogs had to have their mouths disinfected prior to using them for carrying the washing all the way to the laundry.
In the laundry soap powder laden with moths was emptied into the washing machine, together with Calgon.
Knives shooting out from inside the washing machine were used to grind the dirt out of the washing whilst stink bombs were used for purifying the clothes.
Once the washing was taken out salt and pepper was poured onto it to make it fresh. The clothes were then taken to the kitchen to be roasted. This was to make them crispy enough to wear. Once done a washer man was used to collect the clothes and load it on to the trains on the laundry railway. Before long they arrived at the station near the flats ready to be taken back to the residents? flats.

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THE BOY WHO CLIMBED INTO A TOILET BOWL







A boy who decided to have a swim whilst he was in the toilet climbed into the toilet bowl, but,
"how could he get right down to the bottom?
The answer:
pull the flush.
He did just that and flushed himself down the toilet, landing in the S bend. From here one of the toilet pipes led to an underground swimming pool.
This is the first time that a person was able to enter a swimming pool through a toilet.
The swimming pool turned out to be the drains beneath the toilet.
?Luckily the boy was slim otherwise he would have been stuck in the S bend, he then went along the drains and climbed into a pipe which led up into another toilet, this time in another person?s house. It only came to notice when a man sitting on the toilet saw a boy pop out of the toilet from underneath. The man got such a shock that his head fell off. The man picked up his head and put it back onto his body. He got hold of the boy who entered his house through the toilet and used him as a toilet brush.
?That?ll teach you not to enter my house through my toilet.?
?The boy who entered the house through the loo got chucked into a dustbin. ?But, no sooner than he got put in the bin he jumped out and chucked a tree at the house?s owner. He responded by grabbing hold of the boy and breaking him up. This did the trick, but, not for long for the boy put himself together again and flew away, diving under the earth and never seen again.

 

[Bernardtisman]

The Most Unreliable Dial a Ride



One day the dial a ride turned up at Bernard Tisboy's flat to take him to his day centre, but it was three hours late, approximately 1pm, when it should have been 10am.

The centre got notified and the manager launched a complaint about the dial a ride turning up three hours late at the centre.

In fact the Dial a Ride turned up at the centre so late, approximately three hours later than usual, that Bernie missed out on the morning exercise group at Sinclair House.

Not only that Bernard Tisboy was late for lunch.
Luckily Riviera, the day centre's manager saved it for him by keeping it warm in the oven on wheels.

The driver who drove the Dial a Ride was a man called Cecil Bog.
He said that, ' the reason the Dial a Ride was so late was because he got up at 12am, three hours too late.
He had overslept.
He could have lost his job but got let off.

The late late late Dial a ride was n't the only trouble, for the seats on the bus were loose.

Bernie's seat nearly collapsed, and had to be seated on the floor for his own safety until the bus arrived at the centre.

The Dial a Ride bus that was used was an old banger and had to be scrapped for it was unsafe.
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YOB THE BUILDER




One day a builder called a man terrible names when he went berserk.
He was called Yob The Builder because he started on people for nothing, or even creating a scene, like Bernard Tisman, when he kicked the street and even started to urinate five feet up into the air.

Yob The Builder had cropped hair and was one of the builders constructing the new Dennis Centre.
He had a friend called John Ruffian, one of the other builders, who was also a nasty character.
He went too far when he urinated on Bernard Tisman's rucksack as he walked by.

John Ruffian, one of the builders and a mate of Yob the builder, even called Bernard Tisman a 'mental case' all because he shouted, screamed and bawled.

The Mitkadem day centre members were outraged at John Ruffian's remarks,calling Bernard Tisman a 'mental case, and for a builder to say that is even disgusting.

One of the staff said'
"I'm going to report those two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian, for making nasty remarks about Bernard Tisman.

"I can't understand how builders could behave like that.
The reason they are there is because the new Dennis Centre has to be built.

Their job is to make sure that the new centre is built, this is because the other building at the bottom of the street is being acquired by the Ilford Synogogue.

The new Dennis Centre that is being built is in Clarance Avenue, Gants Hill, next door to Mitkadem Day Centre.

The builder in charge is Peter Duckhead, who's the boss, and it's no good telling the boss because all the builders stick together.
He said to the two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian:

"Take no notice of Bernard Tisman, he just want's to cause trouble for us builders, because our main job is to get the new Dennis Centre built as quick as possible.

Another thing, we'll have to make sure that the new day centre doesn't get overrun by a load of Bernard Tismans because that name spell's trouble.

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THE MAN WHO ATE HIS DINNER IN THE TOILET




Once upon a time a man took his dinner into the toilet, sat down on the toilet bowl after taking his trousers down and started to tuck into his grub.

Eating your dinner in the toilet was a good idea because suppose you were caught short in the dining room whilst enjoying your food you could end up having an accident in your trousers, and this could create a stink so overpowering that everyone would drop like flies.

Not only that, ending up messing yourself due to being caught short because you couldn't hold it in any longer could spread disease throughout the whole dining room because of dangerous germs, so it's a good idea to eat your dinner in the toilet. This way you won't have to worry if you're caught short and can't hold it in any longer.

Immediately your body could evacuate whilst dining and in a jiffy it's all over.


to remedy the situation of ending up having an inevitable accident in your trousers a lot of hotels throughout the world are installing toilets inside their dining rooms to replace dining room seats in order to save people the ordeal of having to rush to the toilet, for if they can't make it to the toilet in time they could end up having an accident.

Already there are loads of cinemas where people sit on toilets whilst watching films to save them having to get up and go to the toilet.

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE OSTOMY BAG THAT FELL OFF




One day as Bernard Tisman was returning home, as soon as he got off the dial a ride, he was met with a terrible accident.
The stoma bag that he was wearing fell off and slid down his trousers, after breaking away from the base plate (flange) on his body.
The bag had been clipped on and locked but, without warning, detached itself from the base plate, broke free and slid down his trousers.
And, what a terrible mess it made,
"Excrement all over the place and the stoma bag dropped down on the ground.
Not only that.
The accident with the stoma bag also stained his trousers, his pants and his T shirt.
The carer came out and saw Bernard Tisman put a soiled stoma bag into the yellow bin loose.
She told him to put it into the yellow bag instead, because the bin could get contaminated and spread germs.
The derailment of the stoma bag from his body meant that Bernie had to return to his flat with nothing to cover his stoma with and protect him against the inevitable.
And what would have happened.
Bernard Tisman would have ended up soiling his clothes, even having stools running right down his trousers and out onto the carpeting inside Goodmayes Lodge.
Luckily no bowel movement took place otherwise Bernard Tisman would have created a terrible mess inside Goodmayes Lodge.
The worse scenario would have been stoma contents littering the carpeting and floors inside the support home and the whole block , making it really unpleasant for other residents to walk pass for they would have stepped over the stools (body waste).
They could have even ended up having stools shoot right up onto their clothes, and who would have been to blame.
The answer:
"Bernard Tisman.
There's nothing worse than returning to your own flat with no bag to cover your stoma with making you really vulnerable to accidental bowel movements and stools running down your legs and onto the floor.
And there's nothing worse than having the whole block littered with stoma contents, the sort of thing that can happen if you come inside the building with no stoma bag to protect you from having terrible accidents, ending up with mess on the floor.
Bernard Tisman was in a terrible state and had to change his clothes, putting the soiled garments into the laundry basket.
Straight away Bernie put on a fresh bag and no more accidents took place
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LATEST NEWS ON BERNARD TISMAN WHO GOT EXPELLED FROM HIS CLUB‏





Just recently Bernard Tisman got expelled from The Michael Den day Centre for chucking his dinner on the floor and urinating on a dinner plate.
He got kicked out and became violent.
He wanted revenge, so he got hold of a car and chucked it through the window,crashing right into the dining room tables.
Luckily no one was sitting at the tables otherwise they would have been killed.

One of the builders building the new Dennis Centre reacted violently by chucking a tree at Bernard Tisman. It missed him by an inch.
Bernie then darted like a shot down Blenheim Avenue and went absolutely berserk.
He lashed out and kicked one of the cars up into the sky - with such great force that the car crashed into one of the houses and whizzed right through, landing up in a neighbour's garden.

The neighbour, Bill Toilet ran out into the street and shouted at Bernard Tisman:

"Go on, Oppit, you mad scummy vandal, you wrecked my house."

Bernard Tisman rushed out into the main road and yanked a tree out of the pavement.
A bus came along and he chucked the tree at the bus.
Such was the force of the impact that the bus toppled over.

One policeman, PC Cowpie, grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and knocked him flying, with such force that he flew across Cranbrook road and through Valentines Park, coming out of the other end by The Drive.
He became even madder, and as he boarded a bus he threw the driver out and took over the wheel.
He started acting strange and drove the bus on the pavement. he then got out of the bus and turned it upside down.
Everybody inside fell on top of one another and wanted revenge, so they all got out of the bus and grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and chucked him into a bin.
Bernie climbed out and shot right down Coventry Road, ripping pavements up.
He even ate one of the pavements.
He then continued on his mad rampage and shot through street after street, punching loads of houses and having a fight with two other Bernard Tismans.
He then dashed out into Ley Street and dashed straight across the road, through Grigg's Approach and into Winston Way, walking right in the middle of the road, dodging vehicle after vehicle.

By the time Bernard Tisman got into Green Lane Bernie Tisman had already caused millions of pounds worth of damage.

However the trail of destruction which resulted from a violent reaction to being expelled from his club didn't stop, he just continued going off his rocker, kicking loads of cars and shouting f--- off at loads of people, and telling passers - by to drop dead.

No one could control the man who got banned for good from his day centre.

Then,

"All of a sudden The mayhem died down and Bernard Tisman became normal again.
He walked home to Goodmayes Lodge and went up to Flat 11 as quiet as a mouse.

Since the violent outburst Bernard Tisman has remained at home.

The Michael Den Centre is now officially out of bounds to Bernie Tisman.
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BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏


One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away.

On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie.

The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court.

On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats.

These were Bernie's birthday presents.

The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift.

Then came more presents.

Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine.

And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees.

Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.'

The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it.

Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse.

Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat.

For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on.

For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.