My story.

[Amanda241]

This is my story. I apologise in advance for it being long, but it’s going round and round in my head and I just have to get it off my chest. Please don't read if you feel it's too long. I appreciate it's very long!

I first met my ex-partner 27 years ago. I was 20 then and he was 24. We had a very brief fling and I didn’t see or hear from him again until December 2016 when I went to a music event in my home town. He saw me (let’s call him David) and asked a mutual friend for my Facebook name as it’s not my real name. He asked me if I wanted to go for lunch and I went and we decided to date after that.

For most of 2017, we got on incredibly well. We had a lot of shared interests and he had some quirks but I was fine with that. I noticed that he had a couple of tics and was displaying signs of social anxiety, and I tried to help him through it by talking and preparing him before we went anywhere and he said that holding my hand made him feel better. He’d been diagnosed as having Paranoid Schizophrenia when he was 30, but seemed well managed with meds. We got to September 2017 and we were arguing a bit, but I don’t remember over what. We cleared things up and in December 2017, on our anniversary, we were so happy…loved up. We had been talking about living together in the new year for a trial period of 6 weeks, like in The Big Bang Theory. If we got on, we said we’d look for somewhere to live together around June 2018, but until then would keep living separately.

A week after our anniversary, he had a complete turnaround. I got a text telling me that I was ‘strong-arming’ him into living together. I was so hurt and confused. I asked him whether we could talk about it and he just clammed up; said he didn't want to live together, not even for the trial period. Fast forward to Christmas Day 2017 and he just sat there drinking alcohol the whole day whilst I prepared Christmas dinner. I hadn't even finished putting it out and he was digging in, ravenous. I thought that after a day of drinking all day and no offer of help even, that to sit down and start eating before I'd even brought everything out was very bad manners and I said so. He was surly and we ate our dinner in silence. Not even a thank you.

After dinner, I went to sit in my bedroom for a while, because I was upset and angry. I felt taken for granted and sat there for 4 hours, reading. I could hear him get up and down and not once in those 4 hours did he offer me a drink, or come into the bedroom to even talk or see how I was. I did feel the obligation was on him, but decided to write an email expressing how I felt (I know, seems weird, but gave me a chance to 'speak' dispassionately and review how I was saying things. I was trying to get him to understand how his behaviour had been hurtful and rude over the last few weeks). I got two lines back. I blew up at that point and I realise what I did was out of order but I wanted him to hurt like I had been. Childish, I know. I wasn't thinking straight and that was the icing on the cake for me. I told him to leave and he did, got a hotel room nearby.

I didn't see him again until the new year and there had been sporadic contact about returning a few items of his he had at mine. We agreed to go for something to eat and I essentially said it was all my fault and we started dating again.

In March 2018, he sheepishly said that he'd been looking at flats close to where I lived and wanted to live together. We talked a bit about it and he chose the flat and area and we moved in together in May 2018. Moving in was hard for me, I've lived on my own for a while and he has for over 20 years! After a few weeks, I noticed that we were just not close, at all. I felt so lonely and isolated and I tried to tell him how I felt. I felt like I was reaching out to him consistently, searching for that emotional connection and not getting it returned. We were like flatmates. On the surface, things were good, we did things together, but there was little sex, none of the intimacy we'd had when we were dating. It had gone, I thought. To be fair, he just couldn't seem to understand what I meant andas he's not diagnosed ASD, I began to suspect it even more.

Ten days ago, we had an argument. Due to my own aspie traits, I was awfully upset that he'd changed a plan for a friends' wedding at short notice and without talking about it and we ended up having a huge row on the phone. He was 50 miles away at work when he told me on the phone that he wanted to break up and was going to move out on the Saturday. I just went into shock. There was no discussion, just collecting some clothes when he arrived on the Saturday last week. He's returning for his furniture next Saturday. He's found a flat in his hometown. I'm aware that he's told his friends that I kicked him out (not true, he chose to leave) and it appears that he only gave them 'his' side of things for this event and last Christmas, given some of the messages I've received. His friends are single and weren't too happy with him having a relationship tbh. He's 51.

When we took out the flat, we took out a tenancy for 12 months, so I'm left to pay the remaining 9 months on my own, which is going to financially cripple me and he knew/knows that - I've no savings to even put down a deposit elsewhere to get out of here myself. We took out a talk/television/broadband contract in my name for superfast fibre etc - things that he wanted - and I'm left with that too. I'm being left with my furniture that I brought but having to take over the tenancy on my own, replace the stuff he's taking...I can't do it. I just can't believe that anyone could just up and go without so much as a discussion, knowing that you're leaving that person in financial trouble. I have to relocate my job to nearer to me because I can't afford to travel to it. I just don't know what to do.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It looks like you both certainly tried, and each was a little flexible and open minded, but perhaps both may have made a mistake in thinking things would last for a year living together in a flat, based on your conditions and those prior dating experiences.

Right now, it sounds like you have about one of four possible options:

(1) If his name was on the rental lease contract too, in addition to the tellivision/broadband contract, sue him in small claims court for half of those costs, if the tenancy law and other laws in your area allows that.

(2) Find a more suitable roommate to fullfil the remaining 9 month of terms.

(3) Tell the manager of that flat/apartment due to unforseen emergency you need to give 30 days written (or other required) notice of your vacating, as the other person who was responsible for the 50% of bills broke the agreement with you and/or flat management by permanently leaving the premises and without sufficient notice..

(4) If the flat manager still demands you stay the 9 months, after any written 30 days notice was given to them move out (whatever the tenancy laws are for that country), then find another place, move all your items out to there, return the keys to the manager, cancel that broadband, and proceed from there.

Other than those suggestions, I am not sure what else you can do. Wishing you the best though. "You live. You learn." That's what I try to often think.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Apart from asking you if you realize what you did wrong, I won't say more. Mistakes are made to learn from.

The best chance I think you have of mitigating your costs is to have an honest discussion with your landlord. The landlord will probably be understanding and attempt to find a new tenant. Of course, it's largely dependent on exactly how quickly such a new tenant shows up, but I think it's realistically less than 9 months. The landlord only cares about the risk. If you inform him that you can move out with a weeks, or even days notice he might have an easier time finding a new tenant.

Immediately giving 30 days notice is not smart. Try to discuss things on a friendly mutual benefit basis first, you have a contract and these things can become a big issue even if the law supercedes the contract.

Finding a roommate is also a good suggestion.

"Legal" solutions are generally nothing that will help you in the short term, although if possible I would definitely pursue small claims against him "For great justice".

Other than, all I can say is "keep moving on". Problems show up all the time, and there are always ways to overcome them no matter how dire things may seem.

 

[Suzanne]

In truth sounds like he is more a narcisstist than an aspie.

Changing his mind and then putting all the bad actions on to you and also how he treated you when you were cooking. Well, does shout out: narcissim.

Personally, I would not have anything more to do with him, if you want to have some peace of mind for the future.

 

[Amanda241]

perhaps both may have made a mistake in thinking things would last for a year living together in a flat, based on your conditions and those prior dating experiences.

Thank you for your sympathy; I truly appreciate it. I think you're probably right on that.

If his name was on the rental lease contract too, in addition to the tellivision/broadband contract, sue him in small claims court for half of those costs, if the tenancy law and other laws in your area allows that.

Thank you, I did check this out and unfortunately, because there's no separate agreement in place, the statute law applies which is joint and several liability - in other words, it all falls to me.

They are all great suggestions however, and I will look into them. Thank you.

 

[paloftoon]

You might be able to downgrade some things or cancel everything early for a penalty fee. It might be worth paying the penalty. Then, you can try to re-subscribe with a new deal.

 

[jfk]

Hey there, sounds like he's been a complete and utter jerk and yeah sounds a bit more like BPD / narcissism than ASD ... hope things work out for you. As others have said, have a chat with the landlord, try and get a roomate / lodger (be wary if this is subletting), try and break the tinternet deal, take the hit on penalty, will be cheaper long-term.

I'm in manc too, so you're not alone! Take care!

 

[Amanda241]

Thank you, JFK. I still don't know what to make of it all. I've been reading these forums and I know that I have aspie traits - I've asked for an assessment, but it can't happen until later in the year. I've done some online tests too and I've scored quite highly on the spectrum. I'm confused though because I feel emotion very intensely and this goes against my (stereotypical, media-generated) understanding of being on the spectrum. I just don't understand how within 48 hours a person can walk out of anothers life and tell them they don't love them any more and never want to see them again; but conversely, this fits with some of the descriptions I've read on here of people on the spectrum just leaving and that's that. I was thinking of joining some of the Aspie groups on meetup in Manchester. Are you in any?

 

[jfk]

Thank you, JFK. I still don't know what to make of it all. I've been reading these forums and I know that I have aspie traits - I've asked for an assessment, but it can't happen until later in the year. I've done some online tests too and I've scored quite highly on the spectrum. I'm confused though because I feel emotion very intensely and this goes against my (stereotypical, media-generated) understanding of being on the spectrum. I just don't understand how within 48 hours a person can walk out of anothers life and tell them they don't love them any more and never want to see them again; but conversely, this fits with some of the descriptions I've read on here of people on the spectrum just leaving and that's that. I was thinking of joining some of the Aspie groups on meetup in Manchester. Are you in any?

Well the thing about 'aspieness' is that it's a spectrum with all the differeing mixes of traits, nuances, idosyncracies. One thing is for sure is that I just don't understant NTs or the world really, it's always like I've been 'on the outside looking in' and not relating to people as 'people'. Like there's a thin film of glass between me and the world. I've done a ton of aspie online tests (being totally aware of internet diagnosis!) and consistently come out very highly on the non-NT scale. The myers-briggs personality tests are quite interesting and I come out as an INTJ (architect) which is apparently quite common for male aspies (yeah, I work in computing, I love sci-fi, quite geeky etc etc all the cliches), but I'm a 'introvert extrovert' in that I can seem quite like a 'life and soul of a party' for a short period ... but find it totally exhausting afterwards. I'm ok in small groups but terrified in larger groups. I think my social anxiety has gotten a bit worse over the years sadly.

Anwyay, getting back to you - at least you're getting a 'diagnosis', I know there's no way I'll be able to get that and would have to pay privately (so you're looking at ~ £1000), there's a strong family history for me but I just think how would it benefit me.

As for emotions, they can be quite intense for Aspie's, I can have periods of intense emotion - films, some music, memories, I think there is this perception that we are robots that are unfeeling, that's not true, we may have problems empathising but that doesnt mean we don't FEEL. I like the analogy of Vulcans from star trek - they have to keep their emotions in check because they are, it seems contradictory, SO intense, SO powerful that they have to keep the logical thought processes running otherwise they would lose control. See in the first trek reboot film were Spock goes nuts and nearly kills Kirk, he regains his calm and relinquishes his command.

NTs are strange, they are like a different species! And a person who has a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder (my ex was one of these), they can just behave like this at a click.

I've not joined any of the aspie meets, I've nearly done but tbf the social anxiety has upped too much

 

[Amanda241]

I love sci-fi, quite geeky etc etc all the cliches), but I'm a 'introvert extrovert' in that I can seem quite like a 'life and soul of a party' for a short period ... but find it totally exhausting afterwards. I'm ok in small groups

Same for me. I used to say that I feel like a man trapped in a womans body. I can relate better to men as they are logical, and I find it extremely difficult to relate to women and I know they pick up on that. I love sci-fi and star wars/Trek and used to often get the p!ss taken out of me by women for it. (I've a rebel alliance tattoo that gets mistaken by women a lot, but guys tend to love it!) I can cope with larger groups but then I have to keep leaving and going for a breather to 're-charge'. It's hard work and can leave me knackered the next day. I really feel that I need to 'connect' with other people who 'get me', so I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and go.

I like the analogy of Vulcans from star trek - they have to keep their emotions in check because they are, it seems contradictory, SO intense, SO powerful that they have to keep the logical thought processes running otherwise they would lose control.

That's where I really struggle. The emotions when I feel them are all consuming. They take over me. The rest of the time I'm OK. I read recently online of a woman who said that one of the reasons she finds it hard to date is because right from the start, she needs to know 'where it is going' and doesn't like the unpredictability of dating. I knew EXACTLY what she meant and it's one of the reasons I prefer to be friends first, so I can have at least an inkling of what it going on. Dating is agony for me.

 

[Bella Pines]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your living situation. I would completely agree with @Dadwith2Autisticsons. You have to focus on getting your own balance back, so think about solutions like a room mate and get yourself back to a stable arrangement.

As for the personal side, the way he treated you was unacceptable. Schizophrenia/asd are all real and potentially debilitating conditions and can explain behaviour, but cannot EXCUSE behaviour. He could have talked to you at any time, he didn't have to drop you in it financially but still he did. You've given him every chance but he has still chosen, for whatever reason, to behave irresponsibly. If you continue the relationship, in whatever form it takes, set ground rules on how you want to be treated. And silent treatment and financial crippling are most definitely off the table, end of story.

'm confused though because I feel emotion very intensely and this goes against my (stereotypical, media-generated) understanding of being on the spectrum. I just don't understand how within 48 hours a person can walk out of anothers life and tell them they don't love them any more and never want to see them again; but conversely, this fits with some of the descriptions I've read on here of people on the spectrum just leaving and that's that.

There's no simple answers, it's a spectrum and likely everyone is on it somewhere. Aspergers do experience strong emotions but they are tightly controlled with a binding of intense logic. I can feel sorrow to the core of my being, to the point where I can barely stand, however, I recognize when it's happening and don't make any major life decisions until it passes!!

Also, walking away is easy because aspies compartmentalize. I walked away from my own mother. She was schizophrenic and agoraphobic, but underneath that, she was toxic, bitter and completely selfish. I recognized that and what she was turning me into, and walked away for both our sakes, never looking back. However, my children on the other hand are innocent and make me want to be a better person. No matter what, I will never walk away from them because they need me and if they ever take a turn for the worst (all good so far..), it will in part be my fault. I've been called all sorts of names for turning my back on my mother, but I know what kind of person I want to be, and being around her doesn't help that. Being around my children makes me want to be good and is a healthier choice. So you see, walking away is the logical part of the aspie, recognizing when a situation is not working. No emotions engaged in this case.

 

[Amanda241]

Thank you Bella. It's not been quite a month yet and I'm still in shock I think, tbh. I range from being upset for a lot of the time and obsessing, to wondering what hell kind of person that claims to be decent signs up for a 12 mth contract and disappears within 48 hours, only 3 mths in?? Where is the 'love'? There's certainly no commitment there.

We have had a horrid conversation recently where he told me that he didn't love me any more and knew he was being cold. Obviously, we won't reunite. There were a number of things about him that seemed decent and that I will miss terribly, but I think all that has been wiped out with this act of withdrawal.