My Thoughts On Social Interaction and what I call "Pulse Relationships"

[RubenX]

As aspies, is quite possible you often withdraw yourself from your friends in order to pursue the current interest you are obsessed with at the time. This means that for a few weeks or maybe months, you won't call, won't write, won't visit. Once the current obsession dies out, you most likely go back to your previous self and call, write or visit. When that happens, your friend might react in one of two ways:

a) Friend is happy to see you. The fact that you were absent for some time is not even mentioned.
b) Friend is resented that you were absent for a period of time and he complains about it.

When the friend goes with option b and complains, he believes you will "learn" that you did it wrong and hopes you "won't do it again". They don't realize their complains cause the opposite effect. When the next obsession comes, you withdraw yourself once more. And once more, that obsession will go away. But now you won't go back to your friend. You won't call, won't write, won't visit because you know that once you do he is going to complain about your latest period of absence and is going to give a hard time about it.

With most people following option b, the above scenario happens very often. Some could say it happens always. And even without knowing that you are an Aspie, you will notice this pattern. You might even try to explain to your friends that this happens to you all the time, hoping your friends will understand. But sadly, most people complain even more. They go as far to say comments like:

"If you have this problem with every single friend, the problem is not your friends, it's *you*"

And you try to internalize this bit of "NT Wisdom". You start thinking "they must be right". You start believing "you are doing it wrong" and "there's something wrong with you". And you start apologizing.

But I say, hold on a second... what are you apologizing for? Are you apologizing for being an Aspie? Like it was your choice somehow? Does a person in a wheelchair apologizes for not being able to walk? Does he ever say "I'm sorry you had to build this ramp for my wheel chair"? No he doesn't. He'll probably demand the ramp to be built. He will demand "understanding".

And understanding is what I demand of any friend of mine. There will be periods where I'm gonna keep in touch with you. But there will be periods where I will withdraw myself from the scene, reappear sporadically every now and then. Not a continuous and uninterrupted friendship, but more like a pulse, a beat.

In love, is the same thing. I could be with you, following *your* interests, going out for dinner, meeting your friends, talking about your favorite TV shows, etc. Until I find something that interests *me*. When that happens, I'll pursue my interest with passion. I won't talk to you as often, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. That doesn't mean my current interest is "more important than you". And I *WILL* go back to you as soon as "I'm done with this". How you gonna react when that happens? Are you going to complain about my period of absence? That will only drive me further away.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I think this post is really relevant to understanding one of the big things that goes wrong with NT/aspie relationships and especially with things that have happened here recently.

I'd qualify one statement, though. I don't think it's necessary to "understand," which has a high cognitive drain that a lot of NTs simply will not come to grips with. Acceptance is the key I see. I don't have to understand why the color yellow makes you nervous. I can get plenty of mileage from accepting that the color yellow makes you nervous, and I'm interested in knowing how close to orange or green it has to be so that you won't be nervous.

 

[Judge]

What always strained (and broke) my relationships with NTs were that I wasn't supposed to have interests in things (not people) outside the relationship. So if I gravitated towards my special interests or solitude, they were more often than not offended, expecting and demanding I took all my time with them exclusively.

Exactly, Aspergirl4hire. They didn't need to understand it so much as simply accept it. And realize that in some instances on occasion they may have give beyond 50% because with certain traits and behaviors we simply have little or no control over them.

To NTs considering relationships with Aspies, IMO this is central to the whole equation.

 

[Ste11aeres]

What always strained (and broke) my relationships with NTs were that I wasn't supposed to have interests in things (not people) outside the relationship. So if I gravitated towards my special interests or solitude, they were more often than not offended, expecting and demanding I took all my time with them exclusively.

Exactly, Aspergirl4hire. They didn't need to understand it so much as simply accept it. And realize that in some instances on occasion they may have give beyond 50% because with certain traits and behaviors we simply have little or no control over them.

To NTs considering relationships with Aspies, IMO this is central to the whole equation.

It sounds to me like they had relationship problems....not just a NT thing, as those NTs who are wisest in relationship matters are clearly agreed on the fact that in a good relationship you have to allow the other person to have a life and interests outside of you, and you yourself should have a life and interests outside the other person.

It's one of the stock pieces of relationship advice. Of course, if it's such a common piece of advice, the you-must-have-no-interests-outside-of-me must be a common relationship problem, or else. why would there be a need for that above advice to be givena nd written about so frequently?

 

[Judge]

It sounds to me like they had relationship problems....not just a NT thing, as those NTs who are wisest in relationship matters are clearly agreed on the fact that in a good relationship you have to allow the other person to have a life and interests outside of you, and you yourself should have a life and interests outside the other person.

It's one of the stock pieces of relationship advice. Of course, if it's such a common piece of advice, the you-must-have-no-interests-outside-of-me must be a common relationship problem, or else. why would there be a need for that above advice to be givena nd written about so frequently?

One did for sure. Simply too clingy. Offended for me to be out of her sight. The "kiss of death" for most any Aspie. Of course at the time I didn't know. The others...not so sure.

 

[Spiller]

Sounds all too familiar to me and I agree Ste11aeres, a good partnership should allow each their own time, which also has the advantage of having stuff to talk about.. although when I became obsessed with learning HTML and Javascript to build my business website, which took about three months (and I mean I didn't sleep, I lived in front of the PC.. my ex, who would certainly come under the heading 'Needy' (top of the list, I think) didn't handle it well at all.. and in hindsight, although I felt it was rather important at the time, I could still have met her half way (presuming she'd have been amenable to less than 100% attention on my part).. compromise comes into relationships right up there with acceptance, though they have to come from both partners.

Is this thread going to evolve into a Relationship Instruction Manual for Aspies? I'll certainly be following

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Sounds all too familiar to me and I agree Ste11aeres, a good partnership should allow each their own time, which also has the advantage of having stuff to talk about.. although when I became obsessed with learning HTML and Javascript to build my business website, which took about three months (and I mean I didn't sleep, I lived in front of the PC.. my ex, who would certainly come under the heading 'Needy' (top of the list, I think) didn't handle it well at all.. and in hindsight, although I felt it was rather important at the time, I could still have met her half way (presuming she'd have been amenable to less than 100% attention on my part).. compromise comes into relationships right up there with acceptance, though they have to come from both partners.

Is this thread going to evolve into a Relationship Instruction Manual for Aspies? I'll certainly be following

Chuckling. I'll have to share my story of how I met my husband, some time. But to the point--I think I got lucky. Don't know if he's aspie, or HFA, or something else, but whatever it is, it's been working for two decades now. He knows when to ignore me and has figured out the algorithm for how to help during a meltdown.

Seems to be rooted in "here's what I can do right now." Then he says very little and just does it. Comes back, looks inquisitively at me as if he's thinking, "Is she still melting? If yes, then repeat Do_Now routine, else run AskNewQuestion routine."
​

I'd clone him if I could. Everybody should have a friend like that. Failing that, maybe that's the manual, right there.

 

[Spiller]

Chuckling. I'll have to share my story of how I met my husband, some time. But to the point--I think I got lucky. Don't know if he's aspie, or HFA, or something else, but whatever it is, it's been working for two decades now. He knows when to ignore me and has figured out the algorithm for how to help during a meltdown.

Seems to be rooted in "here's what I can do right now." Then he says very little and just does it. Comes back, looks inquisitively at me as if he's thinking, "Is she still melting? If yes, then repeat Do_Now routine, else run AskNewQuestion routine."
​

I'd clone him if I could. Everybody should have a friend like that. Failing that, maybe that's the manual, right there.

That sounds marvellous A4H - good for you, brilliant of him and congratulations to you both! You and others here do so give me hope
There're the ideal Aspie investment opportunities of the near future - cloning technology and code-based learning!

 

[Tia Maria]

As aspies, is quite possible you often withdraw yourself from your friends in order to pursue the current interest you are obsessed with at the time. This means that for a few weeks or maybe months, you won't call, won't write, won't visit. Once the current obsession dies out, you most likely go back to your previous self and call, write or visit. When that happens, your friend might react in one of two ways:

a) Friend is happy to see you. The fact that you were absent for some time is not even mentioned.
b) Friend is resented that you were absent for a period of time and he complains about it.

As an NT here is how I (& pretty much every I know as a matter of fact) would handle what you describe - # 1 .... with the caveat that such a person would not make a good best friend, & possibly not an extremely close friend. When they are around (assuming you like them & they are enjoyable) that would be fine, & when they are off indulging in their obsessions that would also be fine.

But every friendship or relationship is a two way street, & the NT friend should be living their life to the fullest with other people during your absence. In other words, they should NOT be waiting around for you. So, you can more or less, come & go in their life as a friend, even good friends, but casual as there never really can be a reliance on each other etc..

That is different than two people who are in a committed relationship or even very good friends, where one is an Aspie & has some special needs or requires alone time to recharge etc.. In this situation the NT would hopefully try to accommodate their Aspie friend or partner by understanding what they need & giving it to them.

What you describe is expecting a friend (or partner?) to accommodate your unscheduled & undetermined disappearance & absences while you focus on your special interests &/or obsessions. Sure, no problem, but you cannot expect someone else to be waiting around for you or even available when you suddenly have time & interest, & reappear. Maybe they will have even lost interest in you or simply like you less going forward.

However if this was a romantic relationship at the dating stages, I would recommend the NT break it off with such a person immediately. No scorn or judgment whatsoever towards the Aspie for being who they are, but there are just too many other great "fish in the pond" who are willing & able to participate in what an emotionally healthy & stable NT would consider a better relationship. Both people in any relationship need to have their needs & desires understood & met. How you are may be unchangeable & that is absolutely fine. But that does not mean it's necessary for another person to change what they want & need, or lower their standards to accommodate someone else who's innate behavior leaves them unhappy. In such circumstances I would always recommend parting ways & each finding other friends & partners who are more compatible.

 

[tree]

A person asked me "What do you like to do?"
me: Make things.
person: "People don't care about things. They only care about you being with them."

I am a person.
I like to make things.
I don't like to be around people for no reason.

It seemed to me that person didn't really want to know what I liked to do.
The point was to 'instruct' me in what was 'right.'