Need advice- aspie roommate and her bf

[sconesail]

Hi All,

I'm not an aspie, but roommate is. I need some advice.

Here is the situation.
K, my roommate, and her boyfriend/fiancée, whom I will simply refer to as C, have been dating for the past two years. First of all, C lives in another state and they have never met. (He used to live in the area and I knew him when he did.) They got "engaged" about 18 months ago and still haven't met. I do not think he is taking this relationship very seriously. But K, my friend, has the dress, the church (they did set a date), and everything planned. In the beginning, I was pretty supportive. He made plans to come down and visit and for awhile everything was ok. She was happy.

However, things have taken a turn over the last eight months. He has planned to come down on five occasions- twice he was unable to do so because of work, but the last three times he has come up with some excuse at the last minute. For example, he planned to drive down last summer. Kathryn talked to him and he said he was leaving that afternoon. Kat and I went to run some errands, got home about two hours later, and in that space of time, he "got cold feet", said he was scared of driving that far and did not come. The same thing has happened twice more. He said he was coming, then usually about a week or two before the scheduled visit, he decides he would rather do something else. The thing is- he knows he can get away with it. He knows Kat will take him back.

In reading this forum, I have noticed that obsession can be part of Aspergers. K is definitely obsessed with him. She is happy when things are going well. But goes into a full aspie meltdown when they don't or when he gets upset over something minor. He is her whole life. By this, I mean that he takes precedence over everything else in life. It has gotten worse lately. Basically, he is her only interest at the moment and the state of her relationship determines whether she is happy or sad. I can ask about the weather and the subject always comes back to him.

I am really concerned right now. It is pretty clear that he doesn't intend to come down here. Also when she mentioned visiting him up there, he didn't want that either. Three times this week, I woke to Kathryn in a full meltdown over something he had done or said. Last night, he told her that he would not be coming down next month because he wanted to see a girl he knew in high school. I think he is basically taking advantage of her- basically leading her on because he like the attention and knows he can get away with pretty much anything and Kat will still be there. He knows he is control of the relationship.

I'm not sure what to do here. As I know, C, I have thought about talking to him. Kat just seems to hold on tighter, but the meltdowns and such are hard to see.

As I said before, I do not have Asperger's. I am trying to understand more about it.
Does anyone else experience some obsession with your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? If so, how do you handle it?
2. How do you want others to react to these obsessions?

I'd love to hear any input or advice.

thanks,
sconesail

 

[Ereth]

I guess I could say that I'm obsessed with my NT boyfriend because I really, really love him . . . but my situation is different. While I met him on the Internet and he lives in another state, I've met him in person and we plan to get together again when we can. Work makes it difficult for us.

I don't know your friend or her boyfriend, but for them to get engaged without really even spending time together is a very bad idea. The fact that this guy continues to back out of plans at the last minute and, additionally, would rather see a girl he knew in high school tells me that he is neither fiance material nor boyfriend material.

I agree with you---he is taking advantage of her feelings I think your friend would be in danger of having her heart broken even if she didn't have Asperger's.

I don't know what you can do for K beyond continuing to support her, though. She may not be willing to accept your assessment right away, but hopefully she'll consider it. You can't force her to accept it. She has to realize what's going on herself. If she doesn't believe it coming from you, maybe she'll understand it better from her parents (or her counselor, if she has one).

Best wishes to you both.

 

[wyverary]

Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily sound a whole lot like Aspergers, so I'm not sure if I can help you there. I'm not terribly knowledgeable when it comes to emotional diagnoses, but with the limited information you have given us, it sounds more like a case of either co-dependency or borderline personality disorder.

Clearly, K is letting herself get manipulated by this supposed other person. Clearly he should be ditched, and if your roommate were rational and emotionally stable, she would have done so long ago.

I don't know what would be a good way to handle the situation...if any. Clearly, some therapy or counseling is in order, but your chances of helping her into it are close to zero.

How is your own relationship with K? Clearly there is conflict as far as her "boyfriend" is concerned, but how do you get along otherwise? Do you think this is something you could actually talk to her about, directly?

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I have to say in my completely unprofessional unscientific diagnosis that does actually sounds a little bit more like borderline personality with the obsession and the breakdowns.Ive known a couple people with borderline personality, and it is seems to be a common theme. People with Aspergers tend to have intense interests, but I think they are usually more analytical interests more than obsessive attachment with another.

Unfortunately, the more he rejects her, the more she wants him, and that can turn into a very vicious pattern. I suggest respectfully but firmly tell your roommate the things she needs to hear, even if she doesn't want to hear them.

 

[Flinty]

To add to all this: is there someone around who K will definitely listen to? If so, that person needs to tell K the unvarnished and obvious truth.

 

[Ereth]

In returning to this thread and rereading it, I'm starting to think that K's ASD could be comorbid with another condition. The Asperger's probably exacerbates whatever that might be, but the emotional codependency doesn't sound to me like it's caused by her ASD.

Of course, I am not a professional. K likely needs help from a therapist to address these issues with her so-called boyfriend.

 

[Vanilla]

I recommend you look in to this book if you can get your hands on it. There's a whole section on this exact situation you're describing. It might be a good read, for the both of you.

http://www.bookdepository.com/Aspergirls-Rudy-Simone/9781849058261

Mind you, I agree with everyone else; she's not going to accept the reality easily, and will require a lot of support in getting through this tough time.

 

[tlc]

Sounds to me like something I've seen a lot of, AS or not. I don't know C or K or you, and I've had an unsuccessful relationship life, but here's my take on it.

C is K's whole life, he is in full control of her happiness. Like most guys he doesn't want that burden (he wants her to have a source of her own happiness first), and he is scared and does not know what to do. Being engaged to someone he has never even met really drives up the fear too after he has had time to think about it. I think C is a nice guy, if he wasn't he would have told her off or quit talking to her by now. If he comes down to visit, he knows things will go exponentially farther and he doesn't want that so he avoids it. But if he breaks it off, since he knows that she already melts down over things he does or says, he is very scared of what she might do, possibly self harm or suicide? He mentions the girl from high school, implying that he would like to move on and hoping that K will give him up. He wants her to be the one to want to give up, rather than him being the one to inflict more pain when she already appears to be in such bad shape over him half the time.

Suggestions? I think we need to find out what he really wants, and if a 3rd person could talk to him and find out that would be best. My money says C wants out but is afraid to hurt K even more and doesn't want to be mean about it. It won't be easy but with a 3rd person to reinforce what's being said it might work.

 

[Vanilla]

Sounds to me like something I've seen a lot of, AS or not. I don't know C or K or you, and I've had an unsuccessful relationship life, but here's my take on it.

C is K's whole life, he is in full control of her happiness. Like most guys he doesn't want that burden (he wants her to have a source of her own happiness first), and he is scared and does not know what to do. Being engaged to someone he has never even met really drives up the fear too after he has had time to think about it. I think C is a nice guy, if he wasn't he would have told her off or quit talking to her by now. If he comes down to visit, he knows things will go exponentially farther and he doesn't want that so he avoids it. But if he breaks it off, since he knows that she already melts down over things he does or says, he is very scared of what she might do, possibly self harm or suicide? He mentions the girl from high school, implying that he would like to move on and hoping that K will give him up. He wants her to be the one to want to give up, rather than him being the one to inflict more pain when she already appears to be in such bad shape over him half the time.

Suggestions? I think we need to find out what he really wants, and if a 3rd person could talk to him and find out that would be best. My money says C wants out but is afraid to hurt K even more and doesn't want to be mean about it. It won't be easy but with a 3rd person to reinforce what's being said it might work.

It's a possibility that you're right here. If C is willing to co-operate in the way that you describe, then I agree; it would be good to try and have someone besides K to talk with him, and find out what the story is. If this is in fact the case, let's hope that he is willing to share any concerns he has about the engagement.

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.

I don't think it is borderline personality disorder. I'm pretty sure that her Asperger's plays a huge part in this because this has happened in the majority of her relationships with guys. I asked her mother about it a while ago and she has pretty much been obsessed with every guy she has dated or had a crush on. (K's mom also said they used to bribe her by saying "if you can go 2 hours without talking about the current crush, you will earn 2 dolllars.) At the time, they did not know that K had aspergers. In addition, would usually get upset with her by talking about her crush non-stop. In Kathryn's mind, she felt that her family didn't want her to be happy or in a relationship. I think they do want her to be happy, but just didn't know to deal with the situation. Furthermore, I know that her family, particularly 2 of her 3 sisters and her mother have never really sat down and talked about these things because they did not want her to go into a meltdown.

As to listening to others about this, several of her friends have tried to give her advice. Her Uncle, whom she really trusts will listen to Kat and has said that he is concerned and that he doesn't really like what is going on right now, but she will not listen until she is ready to listen.

As to C, Kat's boyfriend, he doesn't seem to know what he wants. He will not give a straight answer to anything. I think he probably does want to end the relationship in someneve ways, but not others. It is clear to me that he likes the attention he gets from Kat. I think that is part of the reason he is reluctant to end things. The problem is that he knows Kat will take him back if apologixes. He also gets mad when Kat can't drop everything to talk to him, but doesn't give her the same courtesy.

I had a pretty frank talk with him a few days ago. When I asked whot his intentions were, he was vague. I basically asked if he intended to come down in May. His response, "Maybe, iif we are still together." Finally I said C, you have a few choices here: You say that you want to marry Kat. If you really want to, you should come down, If you think of Kat as simply a friend or even a friend with some benefits- you need to tell her. If you simply want to end things, you must tell her. I asked him what he really thought and he said, "well, it is basically all of the above." I told Kat what I said and what his responses were, and surprisingly, was glad that I talked to him. This led to Kat having a pretty frank discussion with him last night. I am not sure what will happen, but at least she is beginning to see the issue.

My relationship with Kat is pretty good. She is my roommate and a very great friend. Due to a fainting disorder, I can't drive and have a service dog-who is able to alet to it. So in addition to being a very good friend and roommate, she also drives me where I need to go. She is a wonderful person and I'm lucky to have her as a friend. This is one reason I am kind of confused about this whole situation. I am also trying to learn more about Aspergers just so I will have a better understanding of it. I just don't like it when people take advantage of others-especially in situations like this.

thanks so much for your advice.
sconesail

 

[Ereth]

Based on what has been said, I don't think C's thinking very much about what to do to avoid hurting her should he break it off. Of course, I don't know him, so I can't say what his motives are, but he needs to make up his damn mind about what he wants from her in the long term.

Sconesail, I'm glad your friend is opening up a little to your thoughts on this issue.

 

[tlc]

He also gets mad when Kat can't drop everything to talk to him, but doesn't give her the same courtesy.

Well in that case maybe he's not as nice as I thought.

Good to hear that a first step of progress is being made.

 

[wyverary]

This may sound harsh, and I notice many people tip-toeing around the issue, but...what business do they have being engaged if they've never even met in person? It's one thing to Skype with someone, but an entirely different thing to be in each others' presence, physically. How do they know they'll REALLY get along once they've gotten a true feel for each other? How do they know how it'll be like to really be around each other? The vibes? The sex? The list goes on and on...but of all the things you've mentioned, that is the one I find most fishy of all, the one that bothers me the most.

If they've been ENGAGED(!) this long and haven't even met in person, that alone is a huge red flag, regardless of the feelings of either party.

If this guy keeps canceling his plans to meet, as he has been, making excuses...I don't think it matters. I don't think he's truly committed AT ALL...which of course seems to have come out in that conversation. K needs to be talked out of this situation entirely. I'm not saying you're the one to do that...and I don't think you should try... but SOMEONE needs to, whether that be family, a professional, what-have-you.

If she's had that conversation with him, it could be a sign that maybe she's starting to see sense...or at least open herself up to the possibility of sense. However much hurt breaking it off may cause her, in the long run it would be better. Maybe C is finally working up the courage to tell her that maybe this won't work out after all.

I truly, truly think K needs counseling on this. AS or not? I couldn't say. But it sounds like this "love addiction" has been an issue that has permeated her whole adult life, and it's clearly unhealthy and toxic. Maybe this experience will help her grow a little...I hope so.

Best to you both. Let us know how things develop.

love
wyv

 

[Vanilla]

This may sound harsh, and I notice many people tip-toeing around the issue, but...what business do they have being engaged if they've never even met in person? It's one thing to Skype with someone, but an entirely different thing to be in each others' presence, physically. How do they know they'll REALLY get along once they've gotten a true feel for each other? How do they know how it'll be like to really be around each other? The vibes? The sex? The list goes on and on...but of all the things you've mentioned, that is the one I find most fishy of all, the one that bothers me the most.

If they've been ENGAGED(!) this long and haven't even met in person, that alone is a huge red flag, regardless of the feelings of either party.

If this guy keeps canceling his plans to meet, as he has been, making excuses...I don't think it matters. I don't think he's truly committed AT ALL...which of course seems to have come out in that conversation. K needs to be talked out of this situation entirely. I'm not saying you're the one to do that...and I don't think you should try... but SOMEONE needs to, whether that be family, a professional, what-have-you.

If she's had that conversation with him, it could be a sign that maybe she's starting to see sense...or at least open herself up to the possibility of sense. However much hurt breaking it off may cause her, in the long run it would be better. Maybe C is finally working up the courage to tell her that maybe this won't work out after all.

I truly, truly think K needs counseling on this. AS or not? I couldn't say. But it sounds like this "love addiction" has been an issue that has permeated her whole adult life, and it's clearly unhealthy and toxic. Maybe this experience will help her grow a little...I hope so.

Best to you both. Let us know how things develop.

love
wyv

Wyv seems to be the wisest love guru here, I'd listen to him

 

[CupcakeQueen]

Hi, I wanted to start off by saying not all asperger's get obsessed with their partner or crush. I would have ended it after a month of him not meeting me because i know that if a guy really wants to see you, he'll make time. I know when a guy isn't very interested and I accept it and move on even if it hurts. That being said, some girls get so caught up in the idea that a guy is their "soulmate" that they put up with anything. This isn't unique to asperger's, but there are several reasons why she might be extra prone to that:
1. Possibly never had a relationship before so doesn't realize this isn't normal or healthy?
2. Has had a hard time finding a bf in the past so think he's the only guy who will want her?
3. Is accomodating and considerate of his situation to the point where she isn't looking out for herself?

regardless of her reasons, it's great that you are trying to look out for her. you're a good roommate! my suggestion would be asking her why she feels he is the right guy for her and gently urging her to slow down until they have actually spent considerable time together in person. it may help to share stories of people who thought they were compatible with someone but it didnt go well when they were actually together. show her you want to be supportive but you cant really know someone via technology, no matter how much you feel like you do. if shes encouraged to wait and spend more time with him then if he keeps bailing she'll know hes not serious.

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

Thanks again for all the great advice. It has really helped me. Even though, I have lived with Kat for 2.5 years, I am still learning about Aspergers and how to deal with it.

Here is an update on the current situation.
Kat and C are still in this up and down roller-coaster relationship. Since C had agreed to come in Febuary, but couldn't, he agreed to come down in May. Last week, he still hadn't gotten around to buying the plane tickets. Kat has told him that this visit id his last chance. He doesn't believe she is serious. Last Friday, he basically said he wasn't going to come. This devastated Kat. By devasted, I mean full on Aspie and depression meltdowns. It was also scary and because it was hard for her to focus on driving- I had a neurologist appointment in another city. (I can't drive due to the fact that I have a really bad fainting disorder. So one way Kat pays her portion of rent is by driving me around.) Anyway, she was simply upset. I did my best to calm her down and we made it to the appointment and back ok. I did suggest giving him a clear deadline- basically tell him that unless he gets the tickets and comes down here soon, that she should end things.

However, when I asked how things had gone after she spoke to C, she said that he said he would get the tickets and come down and that he promised to do this by the end of the week. Unfortunately, my first statement was "He bought himself another week." Kat said he already had that, but if he did not come down- she was going to end things. He doesn't believe it because this has happened in the past- she has always taken him back. Every time that Kat has talked to him about this recently, he comes up with any excuse- expedia is down, there is a problem with the card, etc etc etc, He is supposed to send a money order and have her get the tickets. this is supposed to come tomorrow. I am not holding my breath.

I am really tired of the fact that C keeps breaking Kat's heart and no one, except me, has called him or her on this issue. Kat will usually listen to her uncle and she has talked to him about this. He agrees with the whole deadline idea.

I don't know what to do about C. I have told him how I feel and he basically says things are fine and he does love Kat etc.

One of the reasons that this trip is his last chance is due to the fact that they are "supposed to get married next June," and yes, Kat has already booked the church and has a lot of things planned. I don't understand how she can marry or contemplate marrying someone that she hasn't met in person, who continues to lie, and doesn't even want to come and meet her!

I think that you hit the nail on the head by describing it as "love addiction." She has told me that she equates being in a relationship or marriage equals success in her eyes. In some ways, I think this is blinding her to the true picture right now. Yes, she does need to speak to her counselor and had an appointment in a few weeks. (She has put it off because her therapist was a little surprised when Kat first told her she was "engaged to C" shortly after she began dating him.)

I'm just not sure what to do right now. Somehow, I often become the villain when I try to talk about C. However, I can pretty much figure out when things are going well or not due to her mood.

I'd love any more input or advice.

thanks,
sconesail

 

[Ereth]

You've done as much as any friend can in this situation. All you can do now is wait. The deadline is the best thing I've heard coming out of this situation in a while.

 

[rollerskate]

Wow. (Scratches head) You just pointed out something I never really understood about myself before. Thank you. Yes, I do this. Get totally obsessed with the person in the beginning, want to learn every tiny detail about them inside and out EXACTLY like I do any of my other objects of obsession. Not just in new relationships but new friendships too.

I wish I had something new to add here, but I must say I just agree with all that has already been said. I just wanted to point out that you were on to something there, but yeah, it's not quite the same. I would have ditched him a long time ago. Marriage would have definitely never came up. Just lots of sleepless nights chatting until I reached that you're full of BS point.

 

[theduckrabbit]

1) People learn from their mistakes. That's it. Disengage.

2) Can we try not armchair, or should I say futon in mommie's basement-diagnose personality disorders left and right?
Honestly. I see whining on this forum about Aspergers stigma and "so unfair" and here some Dr. ****-for-brains, PhProbably never went post-secondary is putting a BPD label on someone he/she has never MET who he/she read about in a forum post.

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies. I think the deadline is the best thing so far.

I know that the only thing I can do is to wait and see what happens. Of course, this easier said than done. I'm doing my best at this point and I guess that is all I can do. I will keep you updated. Thank you so much for your support and replies. I know I'm not an aspie, but I am learning a great deal from you and I am grateful. Thank you for helping and listening.

Sconesail