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Need advice- how can I listen better?

A

Annika

New Member
My boyfriend told me today that he's frustrated with me because he feels like I care more about the way he says things and nitpicking specifics than just listening to what he has to say. He said that I'm always quoting him and taking everything he says too literally and out of context. He says that he feels like I'm not talking to him like he's a person, and when I asked him to elaborate, he said he can't explain it any differently. He also said that he often feels like I'm just waiting for him to stop talking rather than actually listening to him. Our relationship is usually wonderful, but this keeps coming up.

I want to be better, but I don't understand how! I don't know how to do what he wants me to do. He talks about it like I'm just deciding to be difficult. He already knows that I'm autistic. Do you guys have any advice?
 
WARM WELCOME TO THE FORUM

Since he alredy knows youre Autistic may i suggest you perhaps enlightening him what some traits are for in this case FEMALE ASD and show him in writing (ie from internet ) and try to explain to him that this is a part of said diagnose and its not youre intention of making things difficult nor are you un interested and so on.
 
Welcome Annika, I had too serious problems in my life suddenly build up on me, I started to draw a diagram that got more and more complex, showed what I thought my brain chemistry was doing, what i liked, what i didn't like, how i thought I felt (although feelings were difficult). It really helped me to draw a diagram, and I can share this if you are interested. Anyway, final cog was we were directed by health services and GP and CBT independently to look at the possibility of high functioning autism, old money aspergers. As a result this got added to my diagram and it is the final piece of the jigsaw. As a result my family are now around me and not only does this give me comfort, it gives THEM comfort. My wife is especially supportive, giving me to do lists, helping me organise myself better, appreciating when i lose things or get lost in the details of something or taking stuff too literally. I still melt down, like yesterday, but the understanding around is so much better - that means i do not go 'out there' and cause myself carnage in other ways. I am new to these forums as well, but I believe i have found a place, amongst other people like me and that helps me great. Welcome & Good luck in your journey
 
The situation reminds me a little of the saying 'Can't see the forest for the trees'. I think he is actually being very clear about the problems. I don't believe this is exclusively an autistic trait either. Lots of people dominate conversations conciously or unconciously NT or ASD. Look at it this way, if you had only one of something, like an orange, and you both were hungry, would you share it? Try to equalize the process more.
 
Garry jackson said:
Welcome Annika, I had too serious problems in my life suddenly build up on me, I started to draw a diagram that got more and more complex, showed what I thought my brain chemistry was doing, what i liked, what i didn't like, how i thought I felt (although feelings were difficult). It really helped me to draw a diagram, and I can share this if you are interested. Anyway, final cog was we were directed by health services and GP and CBT independently to look at the possibility of high functioning autism, old money aspergers. As a result this got added to my diagram and it is the final piece of the jigsaw. As a result my family are now around me and not only does this give me comfort, it gives THEM comfort. My wife is especially supportive, giving me to do lists, helping me organise myself better, appreciating when i lose things or get lost in the details of something or taking stuff too literally. I still melt down, like yesterday, but the understanding around is so much better - that means i do not go 'out there' and cause myself carnage in other ways. I am new to these forums as well, but I believe i have found a place, amongst other people like me and that helps me great. Welcome & Good luck in your journey
Click to expand...
I want to see the diagram too
 
Hi @Annika,

My boyfriend and I have that same conversation ALL THE TIME!!! I wish I could tell you how to communicate better because then it would mean that *I* could communicate better...

But actually my autism diagnosis has done wonders for our communication. Not only is he extremely focused on making things work between us, but now I can finally take a step back and see how I am not being clear to him. See, I'm really stupidly smart. I don't say it to brag because my intelligence comes with a heavy cost. But I always used to think that my problems with communication were because my brain spun at a higher level than everybody else so I'd try to break it down even further, be more precise, more concrete, more simplistic...and that only made it worse. Now that I realize that I am on the spectrum and I can read about how NT's interpret the way we talk, I can be like, "Ohhhh....so that's what you thought I was saying?" and "Wait, wait! I think what just happened is I did that literal thing just now, right? I bet you meant something different?"

And he bites! It's amazing! Instead of just getting deeper and deeper into a screaming match he'll just be like, "Yes! So now you see I was trying to help you?" And I can feel all loved and warm and squishy inside. I'm extremely fortunate to have someone so dedicated to being with me no matter the cost that when I told him about my condition (brain-type?) he was like, "Ok, so what do I do? How do we make it work?" Just like that!

So...communicate better. Maybe the takeaways are:

1. Make sure you both know that autism is your thing and it's not a choice and it's not going away
2. Make sure you and your partner are both focused on the goal: understanding each other and validating each other
3. Study up on what Aspies look/sound like to NT's and what NT's do that Aspies have issues with. It'll be your Rosetta Stone for Difficult Conversations. And while you're at it
4. Personalize the Aspies/NT Rosetta Stone to your own personal ticks.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And when I was in middle school and I had to take conflict resolution class I learned this cool trick: Repeat back what your partner said to you and ask, "Did I understand correctly?" and have your partner do the same. The double translation is great for diagnosing miscommunications!

Anyways, those are the things that I do. Not easy, but we're both improving with time.
 
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