I've hit a wall. This is why I am desperate for some feedback. I have been dating a man for 7 months that I think could be on the spectrum. Over time I've seen behaviors that suggest this may be the case, plus when I complained to my therapist that he never complimented me, the therapist said shy people can have trouble with words. They can be kind of "Aspergery" (in the therapists words.)
I love this man and he adores me. I can tell. He's a good person, makes me laugh, is attentive and affectionate, is a great listener (because, believe me, I can talk). He is smart and I feel really comfortable around him - like he accepts me for who I am.
Initially, I felt something a little odd about him. He seemed defensive, or that's how I interpreted it. We had some misunderstandings and we worked them out. Before I suspected he may be on the spectrum, I would become absolutely enraged at things he said because they came across as insensitive, critical, or mean. Now I don't take things personally because I get that he has difficulty with communication. We have not openly discussed my suspicions but he has alluded to the fact he has had trouble with people misunderstanding him in the past.
Still, it seems about once a week we have some kind of conflict or misunderstanding that I need to feel closure about. I work in the social service field and am pretty insightful. I'm empathetic and I try every which way to explain myself or say what I need from him (they aren't unrealistic things).
For example after Christmas with the family I became upset about some things unrelated to him. He listened and said he didn't understand why I would be upset over the particular issue I was explaining. Mr. Logical's response
I'm okay with that because he is sweet and well-meaning. He kissed me and said he loved me before getting into the shower.
When he gets out of the bathroom 5 minutes later he asked "Is there a reason you didn't flush the toilet?" I had forgotten to flush after using the restroom, "#1". I said, "Bad time to ask that," I said, considering I had just bawled for about 30 minutes over my family. Then I went on to say that I grew up in Key West where water was short, so we never flushed when it was just "#1", I must have been distracted this morning because of being so emotional and he said, "Well you aren't in Key West anymore." I told him that I realized he wasn't being mean, but that his tone sounded like it. I wanted him to apologize for it. He refused to because he said it (the urine) had bothered him. I tried to explain it was about the tone and way he said it. I said I understood it bothered him and I would try not to do it again.
Later, at home, I tried to bring it up again because I need closure! He just looked at me and said he didn't understand why it was so important to me. I tried to explain. Didn't understand. I told him that even if he didn't get why I need for him to apologize when he inadvertently hurts my feelings, I just would like him to trust me enough to know it is something I need and to do it when I ask. Brick wall.
So I couldn't sleep. I was enraged. I wrote a non-judgmental letter, again, trying to explain what I need from him in the future. It simply said that maybe he would never understand why it's important to me but regardless of this I NEEDED him to do it- that it wasn't something I WANTED. I explained that this is not some special quirky request on my part. I explained that when people hurt each other inadvertently, they apologize. I explained this is just a normal thing people do for each other when they care.
So, this morning he refused to read the letter so I refused to go on errands we had planned because I was so mad. Later, I learned, when he texted me that he wouldn't read the letter because he thought it was going to say something mean to him. He said if I can write it in a letter, then I can say it. I told him that I TRIED to say it and it didn't work.
I want this relationship to work because he is a wonderful person and I love him so much. I'm willing to put in extra effort to understand him. By nature, I'm a nurturing and understanding person, but I also have my limits. I have certain needs that I can't compromise on.
Are there any suggestions about how to wrap my head around how his brain works? How can I couch things in a way he will understand?
Any feedback is appreciated. In the meantime I will read other posts. Maybe my question will even be answered there!
I love this man and he adores me. I can tell. He's a good person, makes me laugh, is attentive and affectionate, is a great listener (because, believe me, I can talk). He is smart and I feel really comfortable around him - like he accepts me for who I am.
Initially, I felt something a little odd about him. He seemed defensive, or that's how I interpreted it. We had some misunderstandings and we worked them out. Before I suspected he may be on the spectrum, I would become absolutely enraged at things he said because they came across as insensitive, critical, or mean. Now I don't take things personally because I get that he has difficulty with communication. We have not openly discussed my suspicions but he has alluded to the fact he has had trouble with people misunderstanding him in the past.
Still, it seems about once a week we have some kind of conflict or misunderstanding that I need to feel closure about. I work in the social service field and am pretty insightful. I'm empathetic and I try every which way to explain myself or say what I need from him (they aren't unrealistic things).
For example after Christmas with the family I became upset about some things unrelated to him. He listened and said he didn't understand why I would be upset over the particular issue I was explaining. Mr. Logical's response
I'm okay with that because he is sweet and well-meaning. He kissed me and said he loved me before getting into the shower.When he gets out of the bathroom 5 minutes later he asked "Is there a reason you didn't flush the toilet?" I had forgotten to flush after using the restroom, "#1". I said, "Bad time to ask that," I said, considering I had just bawled for about 30 minutes over my family. Then I went on to say that I grew up in Key West where water was short, so we never flushed when it was just "#1", I must have been distracted this morning because of being so emotional and he said, "Well you aren't in Key West anymore." I told him that I realized he wasn't being mean, but that his tone sounded like it. I wanted him to apologize for it. He refused to because he said it (the urine) had bothered him. I tried to explain it was about the tone and way he said it. I said I understood it bothered him and I would try not to do it again.
Later, at home, I tried to bring it up again because I need closure! He just looked at me and said he didn't understand why it was so important to me. I tried to explain. Didn't understand. I told him that even if he didn't get why I need for him to apologize when he inadvertently hurts my feelings, I just would like him to trust me enough to know it is something I need and to do it when I ask. Brick wall.
So I couldn't sleep. I was enraged. I wrote a non-judgmental letter, again, trying to explain what I need from him in the future. It simply said that maybe he would never understand why it's important to me but regardless of this I NEEDED him to do it- that it wasn't something I WANTED. I explained that this is not some special quirky request on my part. I explained that when people hurt each other inadvertently, they apologize. I explained this is just a normal thing people do for each other when they care.
So, this morning he refused to read the letter so I refused to go on errands we had planned because I was so mad. Later, I learned, when he texted me that he wouldn't read the letter because he thought it was going to say something mean to him. He said if I can write it in a letter, then I can say it. I told him that I TRIED to say it and it didn't work.
I want this relationship to work because he is a wonderful person and I love him so much. I'm willing to put in extra effort to understand him. By nature, I'm a nurturing and understanding person, but I also have my limits. I have certain needs that I can't compromise on.
Are there any suggestions about how to wrap my head around how his brain works? How can I couch things in a way he will understand?
Any feedback is appreciated. In the meantime I will read other posts. Maybe my question will even be answered there!
