Randomperson352735
New Member
So not so qucik backstory
(sry for bad spelling, english not first language also kinda idc)
The reason why im researching why i might be kind of autistic and weird is because, i was on a month long school trip to another country. I was paired in a room with couple of people i liked and couple of people i didnt like. However at school i still wasnt rly friends with any of them cause we were just rly different. After like a week and a half i completly shut down. Like just spending all day in bed watching stuff or playing games. Only ocasionaly went out or did stuff with others.
One time while the guys were drunk, the one i was talking with the one i liked about one guy who was kinda friends with others but also kinda "bullied"/annoyed me. He reveald the annoying guy asked them "Whats up with *my name*, is he like... Autistic?"
That was the biggest emotional hit in my whole 18 years of life
Now i regard this school trip as the worst time of my life, basicaly broke any kind of friendships i kinda had at school, still kept contact with some friends i had, but for basically a year i cut myself off
Now why did that impact me so hard
Untill like 5th grade i was a social butterfly: had many friends through my whole life, was keeping great relationships with them, could talk for hours, was funny etc. (only had trouble talking with adults, that was stresful)
Then things started getting worse, i dont remeber what changed but it just kept getting worse. Talking with new people was stresful, not being akward was harder, being interested in hanging out with others was getting worse etc.
8th grade end, new school
Only have like 2 friends from my old school, dont fit with any "bro type" people, basically cling to my old friends. That for 3 years then that school trip
Througout "europe equivilent of highschool" i still had some friendships but was never the "primary friend", still missed out on lot of stuff and cool events, but still was having some friends
Now im in collage
Was hoping things were going to improve since i started to really enjoy partying and alcohol (social cheat code) so my personality kinda change.
At first it seemed great. Was meeting new people, they seemed exicted to meet me, we were partying and hanging out etc.
But over time i noticed smth. Every time i was the one walking up to them, initiaing meetings, having to talk and those conversations being kinda differet compared to others
So i made a terrible mistake and decided to test some people, who would talk to me
Thats how i basically broke all my relationships, my self image, my self esteem, i hate myself, i go to therapy, i wonder whats wrong with me and consatly wonder if im autstic or smth
For the past 6 months ive been going to therapy, doing tests and researching and rn i have such a conclusion.
My self esteem is butchered, because ive stared reading about autism im constatly checking and overthinking social situations so i appear akward
Recently i changed my major, so new oportunity for friends
However after the first day (which in my opinion went not bad, met some new people) im still alone, still noone talks to me unless i talk to them and i still am wondering whats wrong with me
Current day:
After many many test for self diagnosis i keep getting the same resault "some autstic traits but resaults not conclusive"
And i feel like getting an official diagnosis will either do 2 things for me
1. I get it and i feel like there is no point in even trying to socialize since i will always be bad at it and akward
2. I dont get it and get a huge confidence boost since i can get back to my social butterfly times
Now i realize this might seem kinda mean to actually autstic people, but i rlly respect u guys and i just want to make a conclusive difference between introversion/social anxiety/akwardness and autsim
(sry for bad spelling, english not first language also kinda idc)
The reason why im researching why i might be kind of autistic and weird is because, i was on a month long school trip to another country. I was paired in a room with couple of people i liked and couple of people i didnt like. However at school i still wasnt rly friends with any of them cause we were just rly different. After like a week and a half i completly shut down. Like just spending all day in bed watching stuff or playing games. Only ocasionaly went out or did stuff with others.
One time while the guys were drunk, the one i was talking with the one i liked about one guy who was kinda friends with others but also kinda "bullied"/annoyed me. He reveald the annoying guy asked them "Whats up with *my name*, is he like... Autistic?"
That was the biggest emotional hit in my whole 18 years of life
Now i regard this school trip as the worst time of my life, basicaly broke any kind of friendships i kinda had at school, still kept contact with some friends i had, but for basically a year i cut myself off
Now why did that impact me so hard
Untill like 5th grade i was a social butterfly: had many friends through my whole life, was keeping great relationships with them, could talk for hours, was funny etc. (only had trouble talking with adults, that was stresful)
Then things started getting worse, i dont remeber what changed but it just kept getting worse. Talking with new people was stresful, not being akward was harder, being interested in hanging out with others was getting worse etc.
8th grade end, new school
Only have like 2 friends from my old school, dont fit with any "bro type" people, basically cling to my old friends. That for 3 years then that school trip
Througout "europe equivilent of highschool" i still had some friendships but was never the "primary friend", still missed out on lot of stuff and cool events, but still was having some friends
Now im in collage
Was hoping things were going to improve since i started to really enjoy partying and alcohol (social cheat code) so my personality kinda change.
At first it seemed great. Was meeting new people, they seemed exicted to meet me, we were partying and hanging out etc.
But over time i noticed smth. Every time i was the one walking up to them, initiaing meetings, having to talk and those conversations being kinda differet compared to others
So i made a terrible mistake and decided to test some people, who would talk to me
Thats how i basically broke all my relationships, my self image, my self esteem, i hate myself, i go to therapy, i wonder whats wrong with me and consatly wonder if im autstic or smth
For the past 6 months ive been going to therapy, doing tests and researching and rn i have such a conclusion.
My self esteem is butchered, because ive stared reading about autism im constatly checking and overthinking social situations so i appear akward
Recently i changed my major, so new oportunity for friends
However after the first day (which in my opinion went not bad, met some new people) im still alone, still noone talks to me unless i talk to them and i still am wondering whats wrong with me
Current day:
After many many test for self diagnosis i keep getting the same resault "some autstic traits but resaults not conclusive"
And i feel like getting an official diagnosis will either do 2 things for me
1. I get it and i feel like there is no point in even trying to socialize since i will always be bad at it and akward
2. I dont get it and get a huge confidence boost since i can get back to my social butterfly times
Now i realize this might seem kinda mean to actually autstic people, but i rlly respect u guys and i just want to make a conclusive difference between introversion/social anxiety/akwardness and autsim
