Need help keeping my girlfriend

[Noodle]

In late 2013, I started my first long-term relationship with a woman. Things seemed to be wonderful, but I'm at an impasse. My girlfriend says she understands and cherishes my aspergers, but I am constantly doing things that hurt her. I don't know what to do about it. Her complaint is that when we're not together, I don't think about her or care about her. This is not true, but I don't know how to convince her of this. The event that kicked off my search for a forum was last night. Since we live 30 miles away from each other, a casual cruise over to the other person's house isn't doable. To remedy that, we talk on the phone every night at 9:30. In last night's phone call, I asked her how work went. She was indignant when she said that she was off work yesterday. Though I have her schedule written down in my calendar book, I completely forgot about that. The night previous, we talked about things to do on her next day off, but she didn't say anything about the next day (yesterday). I'm in tears trying to figure out how fix this. I asked her what I should do. She said she's already told me what I need to do. I want to know what I should do now. I want to keep this relationship, but I feel we're breaking up.

 

[tree]

So . . . she thinks she's telepathic?
How else would she know what you are thinking
and feeling when she is not in your presence?

 

[Maelstrom]

My comment is .....

 

[garnetflower13]

It sounds to me like she should cut you some slack! If she cherishes and understands your issues, why is she getting so impatient when you don't do things perfectly? Has she read about Aspergers, tried to educate herself about communication with an Aspie? It goes both ways, in a relationship. Does she understand that things have to be very clearly stated, rules clearly made, and such?

 

[Mia]

Don't know if this will help, but it seems that if your girlfriend cherishes your aspergers, then she should probably try to understand things about it. I wrote a post last year on the site that might give you some perspective in general:

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/negotiating-needs-between-as-nt-partners.11379/#post-227085

 

[midlife aspie]

Is she a drama queen?

 

[Judge]

In late 2013, I started my first long-term relationship with a woman.

I asked her what I should do. She said she's already told me what I need to do.

Ouch. It sounds pretty critical for you to tenderly ask her to repeat whatever it was she claims she already told you what you need to do. Not recalling whatever that was likely upset her.

After more than two years it sounds like it's all really beginning to rub her the wrong way. That she wants to take the relationship to the next level which you haven't done. Which might be anything from a key to a new apartment for both of you, or a ring...or to move to her side of town. Whatever...but you need to know where she really is on this.

I really messed up with a relationship in maintaining distance with a girlfriend who used to live with me. She wanted all that closeness back...and I felt uneasy about it. Eventually she just dumped me for it. Looking back, I couldn't blame her. It was all on me.

Maintaining such distance might work for an Aspie...but an NT lover....no way. That's one lesson in life I sure learned.

 

[midlife aspie]

Does she really understand you and your AS or could she possibly be clinging to the notion of you changing in some way? If "what you should do" is make a life commitment or serious financial one in order to keep the peace, my belief is that you would already have made such a move(s) if that was truly in your heart. It may be time to get real and have a serious talk about the future. It will be a hard thing to do, but only you know what you want, and if you don't know for sure what that is, you should tell her so because she will need to get on with her own life. Life is short and, like the Mario game, the screen always moves forward, and if you do not move with it, well........

 

[Jono]

I don't get it actually. It seems as though she already expects you to know what you should do but if she really understood Asperger's, she should know that the communication part of this might be a bit difficult.

 

[Shiznown]

How old is this girl? If she's in her 20s, you can't expect too much.

 

[sisselcakes]

In late 2013, I started my first long-term relationship with a woman. Things seemed to be wonderful, but I'm at an impasse. My girlfriend says she understands and cherishes my aspergers, but I am constantly doing things that hurt her. I don't know what to do about it. Her complaint is that when we're not together, I don't think about her or care about her. This is not true, but I don't know how to convince her of this. The event that kicked off my search for a forum was last night. Since we live 30 miles away from each other, a casual cruise over to the other person's house isn't doable. To remedy that, we talk on the phone every night at 9:30. In last night's phone call, I asked her how work went. She was indignant when she said that she was off work yesterday. Though I have her schedule written down in my calendar book, I completely forgot about that. The night previous, we talked about things to do on her next day off, but she didn't say anything about the next day (yesterday). I'm in tears trying to figure out how fix this. I asked her what I should do. She said she's already told me what I need to do. I want to know what I should do now. I want to keep this relationship, but I feel we're breaking up.

Hi there.

This is a question right up my alley! I'm an NT, dating a guy I highly suspect is on the spectrum. People on here have been so helpful, I hope I may be able to reciprocate by giving you some insight into the way we women can seem overly sensitive. Could you talk to my boyfriend about this afterward? LOL

First of all, has she actually told you what to do? She believes she has told you and maybe she has. In her mind she may have told you a million times and it seems like you aren't listening. Maybe she wasn't direct enough. Maybe you didn't hear her or understand what she meant. Maybe she needs to be more explicit. So many communication challenges in any relationship, especially in an NT/ASD one.

"In last night's phone call, I asked her how work went. She was indignant when she said that she was off work yesterday." This seems like an overreaction. There's more behind it - likely her belief you don't think or care about her when you aren't together and it's likely been a concern growing in her for awhile.

One thing I've always appreciated about my boyfriend that makes me feel special is regular contact. I'm not needy in the least, but it's reassuring and it makes me feel loved and secure when I get an occasional "Love you", "Whatcha doin?", or "Miss you" text. Sometimes he sends emails or texts with an interesting article he wants to share. Even a smiley face is good. As I write this, I see how it seems needy. It's not really that, though. There is something comforting in knowing the person you love is thinking of you. If this doesn't feel natural to you, you can make reminders for yourself.

I heard Dr. Tony Atwood say once that he has to explain NTs to Aspies, saying NTs need constant reassurance. This is so TRUE. It doesn't take much. Little gestures should be fine.

I disagree with the 30 mile drive- that it's a dealbreaker. I can think of ways to work around that.

One thing that's hard for me. Not sure if this has been an issue, but my bf is not verbally complimentary of me. We are used to and expect to be complimented. I don't mean for the sake of complimenting if it's not sincere, but he so rarely makes positive comments about my appearance that I sometimes wonder if he's still attracted to me. When I ask, he says, "That's a dumb question. I wouldn't be with you if I wasn't". That's not enough for us. Funny, that I'm constantly complimenting him, which I don't think he could care less about. I don't do it to make him feel good, though. It's just something that is naturally born and I feel the need to say out loud. I think most of us NTs are like that. When he doesn't reciprocate, I wonder I he finds me undesirable, etc.

Since I don't have more detail, I'll leave it at that for now. I've gone back and read some other comments. Perhaps she is wanting more commitment but it's hard to make that assumption.

Feel free to PM me if you want to.