Need Some Advice About Confrontation

[Human Avatar]

I am looking for some advice on how to confront a particular situation.

I am playing music with a group of people for the last year . It’s the first band I have been playing with in 12 years .

I am not particularly happy with the music. I keep trying to direct and mold the sound into something I enjoy ,but it has been a real challenge, I have no past relationship with them prior to this band. Here are some of the reasons I want to leave this particular band.


1. The Guitarist Ryan is very condescending, egotistical . His writing is ok but is usually just a copy of the band Phish . Which makes me wonder why he shouldn’t just be in a Phish tribute band . And an original band is not the correct expression for him

2. The Bassist Pat - is very good friends with Ryan. He does not respond to group texts but is in contact with Ryan on a daily basis. So I don’t know what he is thinking half the time . I try to help him musically but he seems to take offense to this .

4. The drummer Jordan - Him and I seem to get along great . He respects me due to my past success in music and I think appreciates my originality. But he is not consistent.

5- And me , I am a multi instrumentalist/ composer . I am playing keyboards in this band . I also provide the the rehearsal space @ my house with most of the equipment needed to play .


The social aspects get very confusing. And I try to be direct but people get offended. So I just don’t say anything most of the time .

Musically I am not happy . Me personally I try to push to be myself and original . I feel I am in a band now where I can’t be myself . I am told I have to play more like the keyboardist of Phish . Why ? I am me . I have never looked at copying every aspect of another musician. To me this seems very weird . I don’t do this . I am influenced by other musicians , but I can just the same be influenced by the sounds of waves rolling or the movement of trees swaying or a bird flying or the patterns and melodies from birds singing . I can write music by seeing and thinking of that .

The social aspects are confusing as expected. My biggest problem is I seem to just be miserable and keep playing with them instead of confronting the situation and moving on. I feel guilty as they won’t have a place to play , or they can’t achieve what they want because I won’t be there . I don’t know why I make my self miserable so I can see other people happy . This seems to be the pattern in my life.

Before playing music with my current band , I would compose music and my friend Josh who is autistic as well played guitar and collaborated a bit with me . But for the most part let me do my thing and he complimented the ideas musically perfectly, and It was very easy and effortless. Josh and I recorded a wonderful song I wrote called the Rain , we recorded the whole song in 4 hours in my studio . I played drums ,bass , piano , organ , and orchestral keyboards on the track and Josh played acoustic guitar , laps steel guitar, rhythm guitar , and lead guitar. It went so quick and it was easy . It is One of the few musical compositions I am proud of . And he was a big part of that .

Josh has been asking me to play music with him again so
Josh and I met another musician named Matt a few weeks ago who sings and plays a bit of guitar and writes very good lyrics and composes some very catchy melodies ,We jammed with Matt twice now . Josh and I took a few of Matts ideas and added a few more to it .

I then took all our ideas and directed ,arranged worked out all the missing parts , we all learned the parts and finished it in 2 hours . Josh knows me and let me be myself, and do my thing. It was so satisfying and the song is really good it has potential.
We just would need to find a drummer . I have over 50 song ideas , and Matt has maybe even more.

Matt is amazed at how fast and creative Josh and I are , and claims he has never seen anything like that . I feel we have found a creative person to collaborate with .
I can get back to doing what I want , recording and releasing music .

I was happy playing with Matt and Josh I did not feel any creative chains or social anxiety.

I need to get out of my current band so I can focus on my new project.
I am scared to be direct with them , because they may take it personal. I don’t want to lie either . I don’t like doing that . But I feel it would save me lots of stress and help me and them move on . I don’t know how to go about leaving . What should I do ? How should I approach this ?

I hope some of this makes sense to someone on the forum .

 

[Mr. Stevens]

You understand the situation really well, so find strength in that. It's not your job to make their dreams come true. They're doing a lousy job of that, anyway, from what you've said.

Is there anything wrong with just texting them? It sounds like they don't make much effort to communicate with you, so why go all out? I often feel the need to approach these situations in a perfect way, like I have to sell my needs to people. But, then I step back and ask why I'm putting in so much effort for people who don't really care. They already don't respect me, so why feed into that?

 

[Outdated]

The situation you're describing with the current band should be treated with simple common business sense. Simply tell them that you have decided to move in a new direction and you want to do other things.

And a lot of people will deliberately go out of their way to take it personally and be offended, it helps if you understand what that's really all about, it's manipulative behaviour designed to make you back down.

You sound like you really enjoy working with the new crew and it also sounds like it has a chance of achieving a few goals. To me that's a no-brainer, ditch the old crew.

 

[Judge]

Why not just "keep it simple" without so much animosity?

Tell them you just feel that you are not a "good fit" for where they want to go musically, and leave it at that.

It would just seem that going into real detail would amount to both a waste of your time- and theirs.

 

[Rodafina]

I got it!

Next time you are meant to rehearse with the old band, just throw this song on really loud and start dancing around like a wacko until they get the point and leave on their merry way.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m just kidding of course.

It seems like it is time to just go with the truth, and explain that you don’t want to go any further with the band. You have evidence already that they don’t take your communication too well, so unfortunately you will likely have to prepare for some uncomfortable interactions there, but just keep in mind that then you will be done. the hard part will be saying the words, but as soon as you do, it will be over, you can engage your stoicism during any reaction they have, and then you can focus all your attention and energy on moving forward toward brighter things.

 

[Judge]

I got it!

Next time you are meant to rehearse with the old band, just throw this song on really loud and start dancing around like a wacko until they get the point and leave on their merry way.

I prefer this one.

 

[Thinx]

I agree that you probably don't really need to confront them, so much as just say you have found the collaboration interesting but are now moving in a different direction with your music. Good luck to them, etc. To me they sound like they are not in your league, yet rather opinionated. I am sure they can find themselves a new place to play, it's not like they appreciate you, so no confrontation or guilt is necessary. Just, Byeee!

 

[Human Avatar]

You understand the situation really well, so find strength in that. It's not your job to make their dreams come true. They're doing a lousy job of that, anyway, from what you've said.

Is there anything wrong with just texting them? It sounds like they don't make much effort to communicate with you, so why go all out? I often feel the need to approach these situations in a perfect way, like I have to sell my needs to people. But, then I step back and ask why I'm putting in so much effort for people who don't really care. They already don't respect me, so why feed into that?

Thank you for the advice . I am the same trying to approach it the perfect way . My mind is spending to much time trapped by thinking about this . I agree why …. it becomes daunting trying to sell our needs .

 

[Human Avatar]

The situation you're describing with the current band should be treated with simple common business sense. Simply tell them that you have decided to move in a new direction and you want to do other things.

This seems good to me , but it is so hard for me to explain where I want to go . I don’t think they would understand it .

And a lot of people will deliberately go out of their way to take it personally and be offended, it helps if you understand what that's really all about, it's manipulative behaviour designed to make you back down.

Interesting, I have not thought of this . I never would have guessed that is why people do that . But now that you mention it I have applied that to a few situations in my life . Now it makes sense . I see that now as an opportunity for people to take advantage of me .

You sound like you really enjoy working with the new crew and it also sounds like it has a chance of achieving a few goals. To me that's a no-brainer, ditch the o

Yeah I am very much so . Thanks for the advice

 

[Human Avatar]

Why not just "keep it simple" without so much animosity?

Tell them you just feel that you are not a "good fit" for where they want to go musically, and leave it at that.

It would just seem that going into real detail would amount to both a waste of your time- and theirs.

I agree , I just hope if I went that route I don’t feel like trying to explain it I guess . Simple without animosity would be the ideal split solution for me .

It seems like it is time to just go with the truth, and explain that you don’t want to go any further with the band. You have evidence already that they don’t take your communication too well, so unfortunately you will likely have to prepare for some uncomfortable interactions there, but just keep in mind that then you will be done. the hard part will be saying the words, but as soon as you do, it will be over, you can engage your stoicism during any reaction they have, and then you can focus all your attention and energy on moving forward toward brighter things.

You are right , I guess it is getting to the point of initiating the confrontation. Something I am not the best at. But for my happiness eventually I am going to have to do it . I know I will feel better after I leave .

I agree that you probably don't really need to confront them, so much as just say you have found the collaboration interesting but are now moving in a different direction with your music. Good luck to them, etc. To me they sound like they are not in your league, yet rather opinionated. I am sure they can find themselves a new place to play, it's not like they appreciate you, so no confrontation or guilt is necessary. Just, Byeee!

This would be the easiest for me . And usually the way I have dealt with things like this in the past .

 

[Progster]

As others have said, tell them that you are leaving because you are wanting to go in a different direction with your music. Send them a text message or email. Yes, it's awkward and they may be upset or maybe offended, but they can find another keyboardist and for you it will be liberating. Possibly they have also noticed that you want different things but not wanted to say anything, were expecting you to leave at some point and they might be ok with it.

 

[Human Avatar]

As others have said, tell them that you are leaving because you are wanting to go in a different direction with your music. Send them a text message or email. Yes, it's awkward and they may be upset or maybe offended, but they can find another keyboardist and for you it will be liberating. Possibly they have also noticed that you want different things but not wanted to say anything, were expecting you to leave at some point and they might be ok with it.

This is good advice , a text may break the ice . I haven’t thought about them noticing my disinterest, that is a valid point. Maybe they have . Thank you for the advice .

 

[Rodafina]

Could you do the whole thing by email? Is seeing them again even necessary?

Also, you could write them a goodbye song and just play that (kidding again )

The first question is serious though.

 

[Rodafina]

I think, as much as possible, you need to release yourself from taking care of others here. You said yourself, you will make yourself miserable just to keep others happy even when there is no clear evidence that they deserve this.

Maybe, try not to think of the needs of the other guys right now, and just focus on your own. You gave them everything and they didn’t really appreciate it or use it well as a group. Especially Ryan and his buddy. You don’t owe them anything in your departure.

 

[Human Avatar]

Could you do the whole thing by email? Is seeing them again even necessary?

Also, you could write them a goodbye song and just play that (kidding again )

The first question is serious though.

Yeah I did it by Text this morning .

 

[Human Avatar]

I think, as much as possible, you need to release yourself from taking care of others here. You said yourself, you will make yourself miserable just to keep others happy even when there is no clear evidence that they deserve this.

yeah I faced the facts . And glad I noticed what it was doing to me

Maybe, try not to think of the needs of the other guys right now, and just focus on your own. You gave them everything and they didn’t really appreciate it or use it well as a group. Especially Ryan and his buddy. You don’t owe them anything in your departure.

Thank you for the advice ! I used it

 

[Rodafina]

Courage Trophy Achieved!

Hopefully Sweet Relief is the real prize.

 

[Human Avatar]

I want to thank everyone for the advice . All of it was very helpful !
And it gave me the strength to come to terms with my situation.

It is interesting how it went

Jordan - was cool and understood and said he was going to cancel anyhow friday. So he said no need to now

Pat - never responded

Ryan - he went exactly as @Outdated informed me it would happen . Thank goodness I had a warning for this .
Yeah was making me feel guilty so I would change my mind . And of course made it all about him .


I feel a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. Now I can get back to being myself especially to other musicians who appreciate me and let me be who I am .

This was a unique experience for me on the forum . I usually don’t ask people for advice or help .

I used bits and pieces of what everyone suggested.

Thank you everyone

 

[Outdated]

I’m glad you got that sorted. I’ve had a few muso mates over the years, for one of them music was his only income. He was never wealthy but he was never broke either.

Old joke: What do you call a musician that’s just split up with his girlfriend? - Homeless.

Where Paul managed to keep himself continuously employed was by behaving like a business manager and operating himself like a business. He didn’t have a band as such, he went to different pubs and clubs and organised gigs and then he’d put together a group that suited that venue.

He performed solo a lot and put together different duos and trios for different places. This is more profitable and easier to sell than a full band, each musician wants to get paid a reasonable wage and if there’s too many of them it becomes expensive for the venue owner.

This was in a very densely populated upper middle class area close to the CBD in Melbourne, a pub on every second corner and fierce competition to get drinkers to come through the door. Paul usually played acoustic guitar and sang, he also played the piano and gave piano lessons as a bit of extra cash on the side, but he hated electronic keyboards.

This was back in the 90s. I put together an old computer out of second hand parts and gave it to Paul and he asked me about tablature software. I didn’t know much about it but I found one called Noteworthy Composer. Paul played around with this a bit and found it very useful.

He often dreamed music, and he’d try to remember it and write it down when he woke up but the memory of dreams fades too fast. Now he started leaving his computer on overnight and leaving his guitar plugged in to it and leaning against the wall next to his bed. When he woke up in the middle of the night with music in his head all he had to do was grab the guitar and start playing, Noteworthy Composer turned it in to tablature.

He tried writing music himself but when he got Noteworthy Composer to play it back to him it sounded like a cheesy door chime. He started writing music much more accurately, putting in all the little swings and dipthongs and things, doing this got Noteworthy Composer to play music that sounded real. The bonus of doing this was that when he put together groups of musicians that he wasn’t used to working with he could hand them sheet music that left little room for misinterpretation. This greatly reduced practice time.